All Out of Faith

"Shhh…" he mumbled softly as I sniffled in his arms. He smiled sadly down at me, his arms warmly cradling me, and rocked me from side to side. “It’s okay, Seabird. Everything’s gonna be okay.”

My seven year old self was tired, and cranky; but most of all, I was sad because though it’d already been three years since it happened, I hadn’t yet wrapped my head around it. It still hurt. And I still needed her.

But who was there to blame but her?

“Want me to sing you our song?” he asked softly, leaning his back against the wall behind his mattress. I smiled just slightly and nodded, turning my head and burrowing into his chest. I could hear his warm grin as he pressed a kiss to the top of my head and began stroking my hair, his voice slowly flowing into the song with ease. He was effortless, that way - my brother. My Joey.

“Slow down, you crazy child… You’re so ambitious for a, juvenile, but if you’re so smart… tell me, why are you still so afraid? Hmmm?” I melted comfortably in my big brother’s arms as he sang to me, smiling happily to myself as my tears ebbed away. “Where’s the fire, what’s the hurry about? You better… Cool it off before you burn it out. You’ve got so much to do and only so many hours in a day… Hey…”

And as he sang to me, the world quieted and thoughts of her and how much I needed her and how angry and confused and sad she’d made me, melted away into oblivion. And there we were; just me, my brother, and our song.

I was choked back into reality by the applause of the crowd, the song drifting to an end and my heart nearly stopping as all of the judges happily clapped for me, Simon’s eyes staring me down as if he was contemplating his answer still. But a smile rested on his lips and that gave me the tiniest, most dangerous little sliver of hope.

As the applause died, I shook in my shoes. I watched the four judges sit themselves back down. Today, we had a ‘celebrity’ judge - she wasn’t going to be on for long, but Mariah Carey had stopped by to help them seek out talent. And most of me felt like she’d be an ally - I grew up adoring her singing. Maybe she’d see something in me.

“Okay,” Nicole began, smiling softly up at me. “Well, you are certainly young, but I think you have a lot of potential. You have a wonderful range, Sierra, and you have a lot of passion. I like you.” The crowd burst into cheers and my lips broke into a sheepish smile, and I murmured a small ‘thank you’ into the microphone.

Louis grinned up at me. “When you came out here, I thought, ‘Oh no…’ because you came off so shy and quiet. And you know, whatever was going on back there,” he gestured to side stage where Harry and the others still stood, and a blush immediately came over my cheeks as I shook my head in embarrassment. But Louis was just smiling at me. “But then you started to sing, and boy, you proved me wrong. I loved it, excellent job.” Again, the crowd was wild with applause, and I could hardly breathe.

Oh my god. Two of them liked me. Technically they hadn’t said yes yet but oh my god. I only needed one more of these judges to like me and I was through. My mind was reeling as I looked to Mariah. Oh god.

Breathe, Seabird. This is good. Breathe.

I smiled to myself, hearing Joey’s voice in my head, and cleared my throat. “Thank you so much,” I said softly, my fingers gripping the microphone so tightly I was worried it would shatter in my hands.

Mariah cleared her throat and glanced up at me. “You have a nice voice, you do.” She paused. My heart stopped beating. “But that’s not enough to make you a singer; it takes guts, confidence, to make it in this industry. I’m sorry, hon, but I just don’t think you have what it takes. They’d eat you alive out there.”

I gritted my teeth together as I heard her words. My insides were a mess. Oh god. She was right, I wasn’t the most outwardly confident person anyone’d met. But that didn’t mean I didn’t have the guts. I could do this.

Right?

I frowned slightly and shook my head. “I don’t think so, Mrs. Carey,” I said, “I’d never let them. Singing means everything to me.” While the crowd were laughing at my addressing of her as Mrs. Carey, and Simon was poking good fun at her, I was busy feeling like my head was going to roll right off my shoulders. My stomach was in knots and my heart was pounding against my chest. If Simon said no, that was it.

But as luck would have it, I turned my head, and was met with a pair of soft, encouraging eyes. Harry was smiling softly at me, and he nodded his head back out to the front. He mouthed a “You okay?” and I quickly nodded, before following his lead and looking back out ahead of me. God, he was wonderful.

Simon sighed as everyone came back to Earth, done making fun of my proper address of Mariah. “You know, Sierra, sometimes people know what they’re talking about, and are right. In the case of Mrs. Carey over here, she just so happens to not be.” My stomach literally took a dive, swimming around in my torso as I stared at him in disbelief.

“Go Sierra!!” I heard a voice suddenly shout, and my eyes went wide. Oh my god, Lola. I laughed softly and I was hoping silently that the cameras had gotten that.

Well, if anything, I’d have two new, amazing friends when I walked out of this building.

I smiled widely and glanced down, staring at the floor as my lips curled upward happily. Did that mean Simon liked me?

“I think you’re young, and a bit shy - yes. But that’s all part of being new to this business, and frankly, I know the industry just as well as Mariah does. With a bit of help from us, you’ll be fine. This competition isn’t about whether or not you’re shy or brazen or whatever. It’s about, can you sing? And I think you can.”

The crowd immediately lost their minds, clapping happily as I bit my lip and listened to the judges make their votes. Mariah was a no. Louis and Nicole were very enthusiastic yes’. And my eyes landed on Simon.

“You’re through.” I didn’t hear the other bits, on the front and the back of those two words. Just the middle. The “you’re through”.

I didn’t even know what to do, my lungs were sucking in air at a rate faster than I could process it, and a with a happy smile and a small wave, I thanked them profusely and shuffled quickly off of the stage.

“Oh my GOD!” Lola’s chipper voice exclaimed as I came off of the stage, nearly giddy. My eyes went wide as she, without hesitation, threw her arms around me, squeezing me in them and pulling me close. I stayed frozen, my eyes big as saucers as I tried to figure out what to do.

“Uhm… Thank you…” I laughed quietly, gently patting her sides with my hands and biting my lip to contain my massive smile. She refused to let go, squeezing me even tighter and giggling happily.

“Your voice is beautiful!” she squealed in her flawless accent, before finally releasing me from her arms only to hold me out in front of her by my shoulders. I was shocked by her outright enthusiasm, but grinned happily and mumbled another thank you.

“Alright, Lola, you’re up next, be ready to go out there in 5.” Lola breathed in nervously and nodded her head quickly, smiling at the producer and turning back to me.

“Are you ready?” I asked her quietly, doing my best to speak up. She shook her head, her eyes wide as she glared out at the stage.

“Nuhh uhh.” I opened my mouth to say something encouraging, but I was beat to it by a different voice, one much deeper than my own.

“You’ll do great, I’m sure,” he spoke with a grin. I raised my brows at the two of them; a handsome boy with a wide smile stepped up beside her and turned to her, patting her arm. She tinted pink and ducked her head, her blonde hair curtaining her face. I just waved sheepishly at the boy.

“He’s right,” I murmured. She giggled and shrugged us both off, breathing in.

“I’m Liam,” he introduced, nodding his head in almost a bow. I smiled softly.

“Sierra.”

His Justin Bieber hair fell into his eyes and he very smoothly flicked it out of them, glancing down over at Lola. They began talking and I found myself wondering where the cute boy on the other side of the stage might be right about now. I bit down onto my bottom lip, nerves filling my belly as I handed the microphone off to one of the show’s PAs and turned on my heel. I told the producer I’d be right back and made my way around backstage, breathing in nervously.

Harry; his name was Harry, right? I furrowed my brows and tried to remember, hoping desperately that he wasn’t actually called Henry or something. I had a terrible memory. And did he say anything about himself other than that he was named Harry? Or Henry? Oh god, and what if I stumbled over myself trying to say hello? What if he was waving and giving thumbs ups to everyone on stage? My brain was on fire. Harry, Henry, nice guy, library, what was his-

“Oof!” I squeaked, startled, as I ran straight into a chest, my eyes still glued to the ground as I walked. I went pale as two large, warm hands held me by my shoulders to steady me.

“So sorry!” he sputtered through a laugh, “You alright? You okay?” I blushed intensely and groaned, reaching up to hold a hand over my brightening cheeks.

“Yeah, m’fine, I promise,” I responded quickly, smiling shyly up at him as we both righted ourselves. His dimple was showing proudly as he grinned down at me. He was only a few inches taller than me, but I loved being able to look up into his eyes. They were the kind of green that made you stop and fall forward just an inch; sea-green with hints of forest. And they were so full of warmth; a warmth that I was beginning to think he just always had about him. Like he just radiated kindness and a cheeky bit of goofball. “Sorry I wasn’t lookin’,” I laughed quietly, clearing my throat.

“No, no, don’t be, I wasn’t payin’ attention either. I was actually comin’ round to come congratulate you,” he spoke confidently, lifting himself up on the balls of his feet. He held his hands behind his back, and his gorgeous curly hair was in full effect - no beanie forcing them down. It was now when I took a moment to admire them, gathering myself after the realization that he’d been looking for me just as I’d been for him.

He wore another grey cardigan (was it normal to have more than one grey cardigan?) and a white t-shirt underneath, a dark patterned scarf around his neck. He seemed so… posh compared to the Harry I’d met the day before. But nevertheless, he was just about the cutest thing I’d ever seen.

“Really?” I asked with a disbelieving smile, “I was coming to find you, actually.” He laughed softly and looked down at the floor, reaching up to fluff his hand through his curls. I nervously began wringing my hands in front of me, and he gestured to the side of the stage I’d come from.

“I think the next person’s goin’ up in a minute, you wanna watch with me?” he murmured, his dimple sinking even deeper with his smile. I didn’t think that would’ve been possible.

I nodded my head and he cheekily brought his arm around, lifting it for me to take like a perfect gentleman. I giggled and blushed intensely; this was so far from my normal comfort zone, but I felt so at ease around him. He was still so new, but so nice, and funny. With a small bit of hesitation, I cleared my throat and took his arm, my hand hanging loosely around the catch of his elbow as he led me back around to where Lola and her new friend Liam stood.

“Hi!” Lola cheerfully greeted me. “They just finished my interview, I’m about to go on… Wish me luck!” I bit my lip and nodded, looking to Harry. I inhaled sharply to find that his eyes were already on me, and I held in a small squeak at the soft, inquisitive smile on his lips. Like he was still getting accustomed to me, but was finding things out just from looking at me.

I softly slipped my hand from between his elbow and his side, stepping over to Lola and gently patting her arm. “Good luck,” I told her, meaning it with every syllable. I really hoped she got yes’ out there - I’d love to have her with me for boot camp. It sounded amazing, but terrifying, and her support had already made a massive difference.

She rolled her eyes at my hand on her arm, grabbing me and tugging me once more into a tight hug. I laughed quietly and shook my head, softly hugging her back.

This was going to take some getting used to.

“Alright, Lola, head on out!” the producer said as he stood beside the cameras. She quickly nodded and took the microphone that was handed to her, pulling back from our hug only just then and turning to head up to the stage.

“Good luck!” Liam whisperyelled, waving after her.

She sent us a wide, teeth-bearing grin of “oh god, I’m so nervous”, before turning and making her way gracefully onto the stage. As she turned to face the judges, I found an arm lifted up beside me again. I couldn’t help the quiet giggle that fell from my lips. I gently took Harry’s arm once more, and his hand - Jesus, did he keep them in warmers? Microwave them before he came today? Perhaps a small toaster oven that he folded into his back pockets? - came to rest softly on mine at his arm.

We watched Lola eagerly, and my mind was still reeling over the judges’ words. Though Mariah’s response to my singing and disposition had hurt, a stinging left long after she spoke, the other three meant so much more to me than I could’ve imagined. I could practically hear Joey’s excited cheering for me. He’d come around soon, though, and I could tell him everything then.

I would prove Mariah wrong. I could face the industry. I could do it. I could… Well. Okay… Maybe I couldn’t. But I would try… Just because I was quiet didn’t mean I didn’t want this with every bone in my body. It would change everything for me.

“By the way…” Harry’s voice whispering by my ear caused my breath to stick in my throat, my eyes going wide. I quickly composed myself and listened, staring at Lola for fear that if I turned my head, I’d be just an inch or two from him - soft eyes, smiling lips, flawless dimples and all. He patted my hand on his arm and leaned in once again, mumbling quietly. “Your voice is really beautiful...”

I could hear his blush, could tell he was sheepish about telling me. I tried to breathe, I really did, and internally demanded that my heart start beating again, but it was to no avail.

With rosy red cheeks and a soft voice, I mumbled, “Thank you so much… I can’t wait to hear you sing.”

Just as Lola told the judges what her song would be, Harry whispered, “Not sure when they’ll get to me, might be ‘til tomorrow… But if you like, I can sing for you after she’s done…?”

I smiled softly and turned, nodding my head. “Yeah. That’d be lovely,” I whispered back.

And then Lola started to sing, and my jaw dropped. Turning to face her, I couldn’t help the massive smile that broke out on my face.

She was amazing. There was no way she wasn’t getting all four yes’.

“Oh my god…” I heard Liam whisper to himself as he watched her.

But all I could think about was how wonderful my new friend could sing.

Well, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was distracted by the soft, warm fingers that were draped over mine, or the tall, lanky teenage boy with a head of chocolate curls and a dimple brighter than the sun standing right beside me.

Today was a better day than I’d expected it to be.