Cigarette Daydreams

“On of a scale of one to ten, what is your pain?” The same blue eyes looked over me cautiously.

“A zero, can I go now?” My nurse, Heath, sighed. I honestly felt bad for him; he probably got stuck with me because he was new and young.

“You can’t leave until you discuses treatment options with your doctor,” he trailed off not looking at me.

“I won’t attempt to kill myself again, I promise.” I smirked knowing that my blunt tone probably made him very uncomfortable. In situations like this, I enjoyed making people uncomfortable.

Heath glared at me, “Its not a matter to joke about Erin!”

It was my turn to glare, “I know. Can I please talk to my doctor!” Just then a much-needed distraction of Allie with a carrier-tray full of coffee walked in and I could not be more thankful for her horrible timing.

“Morning Sunshine,” Allie smiled handing me my venti dirty chi. “When can you go home? The apartment is lonely without your self loathing.”

Heath sent Allie the same dirty glare he was giving me and it took all of my energy not to laugh. “I’ll return with the doctor shortly.”

Allie looked at me confused and whispered, “What crawled up his butt this morning?” I couldn’t hold in my laughter anymore and I lost it, which caused Allie to start laughing as well. “Gosh Erin, it’s been forever since I’ve heard you laugh.”

I gave Allie a small smile, “I forgot how nice it felt.” She squeezed my hand.

“We will get through this.”

"I know. I don't know why I did it." I told her truthfully. In fact I've been reliving that day over in my head trying to figure out what triggered me to take more than I normally did.

"I do," I looked up at her confused. "You aren't happy Erin and I get that, but you were done trying to put on a show for everyone else. Now that how you feel is out in the open, you can finally get the help and understanding you need." I nodded not because she was right, she very well could be, but because for the first time in a long time I didn't feel any weight on my shoulders. It felt pretty damn nice.



“Well your vitals look amazing for someone who was practically dead.” I beamed up at my doctor taking in his beautiful sarcasm and pessimistic attitude.

“Does that mean that you can finally get rid of me?” His laugh boomed off the walls in my room.

“It does indeed,” He smiled before turning all "doctor" on me. “Buuuuuut, my dear Erin, you must attended weekly therapy sessions.” Before I could even object he raised his hand, “I don’t want to hear it. My colleagues wanted to send you to a rehabilitation center and I talked them out of it.”

I pouted but nodded my head and gave him a small thank you. I looked over at my mom who wore a sad smile, they would be flying back today and I knew she didn’t completely trust me yet. Well she really didn’t have any reason to trust me.

“Mom,” my eyes started to water. I knew she hasn’t slept much in the past month and it was my entire fault. How could I be so selfish? Throughout this whole time I never realized how it would hurt my family.

“ET, don’t start.” I started giggling at my childhood name that my grandma gave me before she died. She told me one day while we were baking cookies that I was a strange kid and there was no way I was human. In a fit of giggles she called me ET and it just stuck.

“Mom I am so sorry,” I looked up to the woman that was always there for me.

“Erin, you know you could always finish school up in Orlando and stay with us,” I knew she wanted to keep an eye on me but it was my mess to clean up—not hers.

“I know mom,” I paused sighing, “This is something that I need to do on my own.” I looked up seeing the hurt in her eyes. “If I have anymore “episodes” I will come home first thing, I promise.” My mom smiled and I hope this was one promise I could keep.