These Four Words

Two weeks. Fourteen days. That was all it took for me to realize that I was in love with Europe. It wasn’t my first time in Italy, and I knew it wouldn’t be my last. I was editing the video footage that I had of Fashion Week and was memorized. The fashion there was so simplistic, black and white could never go out of style. They enjoyed the simple things and let their lives be the color. I took a gulp out of my hot coffee before changing the song on my phone. I rolled my eyes as “Right Girl” came on. I wanted to laugh at the memory of John stealing my phone and downloading all of his albums whenever he saw that I had all of All Time Low’s songs. I guess boys will be boys.

I hadn’t even had time to think about returning any messages to the boys. I paused from my work and looked around my apartment. Yellow sunflowers and red roses scattered my apartment. Some from John, some from Alex, and a few from Anna for a good job. I looked like a very much-appreciated person. I quickly closed out of my editing software program and unlocked my phone, scrolling through social media. My mom had posted another photo of her dog in a hotdog costume. I made a mental note to call her and recommend therapy.

I giggled to myself feeling a new sense of motivation. I jumped out of my seat and quickly threw on some appropriate clothes. With my jeans and heels on, I felt like a girl on a mission. I deserved some new clothes and maybe a new pair of shoes. I collected my phone and my keys before throwing them all into my newest hobo bag. I yanked my leather jacket off its hook before making my way down the stairs. I hit the cold New York air with a smile on my face, nothing could bring me down—or so I thought.

“Just the girl I was looking for,” I stopped dead in my tracks recognizing his voice anywhere.

“Jack?” I turned around cautiously. Sure enough, there was my old friend standing near my building. Jack hadn’t changed much in the four years since I was gone, well other than the small strip of bleached hair. I could only imagine that he hated me more now than he ever did before. “What are you doing here?”

“I found your address online and thought we could catch up,” He offered me a toothy smile. “For old time sake.” I hated the internet.

I was hesitant to believe him, knowing Jack he had ulterior motives for being here. “What are you still doing in the City? I would have thought that you would be home with your family by now.” I moved closer to Jack, as he made no motion to separate the distance between us.

“I was until we heard that Alex broke off his engagement with Liz.” He told me with a smirk. “All of us flew down to see how Alex was doing.” I tried to keep a mask on, knowing that Jack would take enjoyment out of my reaction. “Do you know how he is doing?” I was silent. “He is doing okay for a guy who just dumped his fiancé and then got dumped by some ex-girlfriend .”

I didn’t quite understand why I was standing here and taking this bullshit from Jack of all people. I owed him nothing. “Is this what our visit is about?” I asked growing a backbone. “You degrading me or at least attempting to?”

He laughed. “I think you could use being knocked down a peg or two, but that is not why I am here.”

“Why are you?” I asked growing annoyed.

“To take you out for a cup of coffee. You still enjoy coffee, don’t you?” Without waiting for my response, Jack took my hand in his and began leading me towards his destination. I let Jack drag me to the newer coffee shop that was a few blocks away from my apartment. Jack was Jack; he was going to get what he wanted regardless of my protest. I didn’t even argue when he ordered two black coffees for us and shoved me into the booth in the back, almost spilling the hot liquid on my favorite skinny jeans.

“So,” He shot me his infamous boyish grin.

“I like my coffee with two sugars and cream,” I told him with a hard glare.

“Yeah well I like my best friend not still pawning after a backstabbing slut, but we don’t always get what we wish for.” He took a sip of his coffee while returning my glare. I rolled my eyes, but he had a fair point.

“Ok lets get this over with because I know you don’t want to waste your Saturday talking to a whore like me.”

Jack let out a small chuckle. “Don’t be so melodramatic.”

“I was dragged across New York to some shitty coffee bar to have a conversation with someone who hates my guts. You are like my number one supporter of me falling on my ass, so why would I want to waste anymore time here with you?”

Jack shrugged. “True.” He clapped his hands together. “Lets get down to it then. How do you feel about my friend Alex?”

“I love him.” I told him without hesitation.

“That’s great!” Jack exclaimed. “Then we can get this train moving in the right direction and—“

“I also have strong feelings for John.” Jack stopped rambling to stare at me. He studied me for a while before letting out a loud sigh.

“Who do you love more?”

I played with the plastic lid of my cup while pondering his question. Who did I love more? It seemed so simple to give an answer but in my head I was conflicted. How could I pick one? John was fun, sweet, caring, and he brought out all of my emotions. John made me believe that I could still have a happy ending. Then there was Alex, my first love. He was brave, selfless, entertaining, and he saved my life in more ways than one. “I don’t think that I love one more than the other.” I concluded. “I love them each the same amount but in different ways.”

Jack shot me an annoyed look. “I feel like you are bullshitting me. There is no way you can not love one more than the other.”

“What do you know about conflicting love interest?” I shot back feeling irritated.

“I have my favorite shoes, my favorite shirt, my favorite sports team, and my favorite car! I love all of these things equally, but I can still pinpoint my favorite.”

I crossed my arms and leaned back into the booth. “Are you comparing my love to your love with shoes?”

“Yeah,” He looked confused.

“I don’t know why I am having this conversation with you!” I slammed my hands down in frustration. Jack didn’t know what I was feeling, how could he? Jack never took anything seriously, he definitely wouldn't be of any help to me.

“Look I know that you can love two things at once,” Jack told me in a more somber tone. “I am not trying to sit here and tell you that you cant love more than one person but deep down in your cold heart I know that you favor one more than the other. You may not realize it, but I know.”

“I don’t think you—“

“When you wake up in the morning who is the first person you think of? When you fall asleep at night in your empty bed, who do you wish was holding you?” I was silent, speechless actually. “That is what I thought.” Jack ran his fingers through his hair in a careless manner. “I think you are a pretty cool person, Erin. Even though you ruined Alex and possibly my other good friend John, you aren’t the fucking devil. However, if you keep this wishy washy game up, you are going to lose the two best things that happened to you. I cant speak for John but I can speak for Alex. He loves you with every fiber of his being. All we hear from him is old stories of the two of you together. Alex is willing to fight for you and your love, but are you willing to let down your walls you built up against him? Are you willing to forgive him for messing up? Are you willing to forgive yourself?” He took a deep breath and locked eyes with me. “If you hesitated to say yes on any of these answers then let him go. Don’t lead him on to believe that he has a chance.”

Jack stood up from the table a shot me a sorry excuse for a smile. This heart-to-heart must of drained him as well. “I hope the best for you, Erin.”

“I hope the very best for you too, Jack.”

He spared me one last glance before walking out the door, "Maybe in a different lifetime we could have stayed friends."

And then he walked out leaving me drowning in my thoughts.

Consumed in the what if.