These Four Words

Wine. I loved wine. I loved red wine and white wine. I liked cheap wine and expensive wine. I’ll never forget the first time my mom let me have a sip of her wine at Thanksgiving one year; I blame her for my small addiction to wine. I glanced at the dark haired man sitting across from me. The dark suit he wore contrasted against his colorful tattoos that were peeking out in different areas. Even though he looked handsome, it didn’t hide the fact that he was extremely nervous.

I would be nervous too, if it wasn’t for this delicious wine.

“Thank you for meeting me again.” He tried to discreetly wipe his sweaty palms on his slacks.

“Of course, Alex.” I smiled and took another sip of my wine. In college, Allie and I would bond over cigarettes and boxed wine. Now I am sitting in a five star restaurant wearing the nicest clothes I own and drinking probably the most expensive wine I have ever had. What a difference four years could make, or even a little bit of money.

“You look beautiful,” He gestured towards my little black dress. It did look nice on me, I suppose. I curled my hair, for once, I bet that surprised him.

“Thank you.” Another sip and smile. “You look very handsome too.” It was the truth. I did appreciate a man who could pull of jeans and a t-shirt as well as a nice suit. I’m sure it was rented. I doubt that Alex had suits of that quality ready at a moments notice. There was an air of awkward silence. I was never one for awkward situations—unless I was drunk. I suppose I am a little drunk now, if I was to be honest.

“You know this is our first Valentines together,” he smiled. I quickly looked around the room and almost barfed at the site of all the pink and red. My black dress seemed out of place in the swarm of “love colors.” I wouldn't have it any other way.

“I was never a fan of Valentines Day anyway,” I grinned at my horrible attempt to lighten the mood. Alex’s face fell slightly. “But it is lovely, thank you.” I reached over and squeezed the hand he left on the table. Alex had contacted me the day after my little chat with Jack. At first I was hesitant to say yes to go on a date with Alex on Valentines day of all days, but he was quite persistent. I still haven’t talked to John. I want to reach out to him, but I wouldn’t know what to say. I think a good break between us is something that we both needed. Or maybe just me.

“—Erin? Are you listening?”

I blushed a light pink. “No I am sorry. I got lost in my thoughts.” I answered sheepishly.

“I asked you if you knew what you wanted to eat?”

“Probably the steak.” I answered realizing I haven’t even glanced at the menu. In a place like this, you could never go wrong with a steak. Alex’s lip twitched downward, something was bothering him. “You okay?”

“I thought you were a vegetarian.”

I chuckled lightly. “I was, four years ago.”

“Oh.”

“Yep.”

“What made you quit?” He asked while his eyes glazed over the specialty menu.

“I don’t know, I guess I grew out of that phase in my life.” He scoffed as if my answer annoyed him. I ignored it.

The peppy waiter approached our table with a fake smile. “Have you two decided yet?”

“Uh yes. We will both have the steak, medium rare.” Alex answered for me, even though I’m sure he knew that annoyed me to no end. The waiter smiled and took our menus. I hope she would return with more wine. “So how was Italy?”

“Absolutely beautiful. I am so glad I have a job that lets me travel and experience the world.” My job gave me a passion and a drive. It also gave me more stress than I needed.

“I know what you mean,” He smiled a genuine smile. “Remember when we made our dream journal?” He asked excitedly. I smiled at the memory. “We had snuggled up in the back of the bus, next to Zack’s dirty gym socks, and wrote out our dream list. All the places we wanted to go.” His laugh caused me to giggle.

“I can’t believe I had forgotten about that.” I told him.

“I could never forget,” He looked at me with such intensity. “I still have it.”

“Really? Why?”

“It reminds me of you.” I felt a pang at my heart. “At first I wanted to burn it but then when I calmed down enough I saved it. Sometimes I read it at night, we were so naïve to believe everything would work out but that is what I love about it. That journal held all of our desires and our dreams. Without that we would be nothing. Our hopes and dreams make us who we are today.”

There was a slight pause as I absorbed Alex’s words. He was right. “Do you ever get so lost in your thoughts that you forget were you are?” I teased.

“Sometimes,” He mused. “But I wanted to tell you that for a while now. That I still think of you and I still think of us.”

“Can we please get through this dinner without the insinuation of a romantic relationship between us?” I snapped in frustration. I wanted peace from the constant nagging from everyone around me. I knew I needed to make a decision but I didn’t want to be rushed into it.

“I can’t stop thinking about it.” Alex pressed on. “We would be so good together! We were so good together! Erin what we had was magical. It was something that only happens once in your life. Our chemistry is undeniable.” Alex was becoming louder and louder. The other guest in the dinning room turned to glare at us, but he paid no attention. His eyes were glued to me. I shifted in my chair feeling the weight of his words.

“Alex I can’t, not here please.”

“Why do you keep doing this? Why are you pushing me away?” I bit back my tears trying to keep myself calm. “The tour with you was the best one, ever! I miss having you in my house! I miss your snarky remarks and the way you look at me when you are getting tired. Why can’t you see that I love you? I would do anything for you!” I couldn’t hold it back any longer.

“You aren’t in love with me Alex!” I roared, shocking Alex and myself. “You are in love with the girl you saved four years ago.” I told him barely above a whisper. “I am not that girl anymore.” I met his eyes and he looked so dejected. Alex knew I was right though. A person changes a lot in a few years. I pushed my chair back knowing I couldn’t stay any longer. I rushed out of the restaurant and knew he wouldn’t chase after me. He needed time to think things over just as much as I did.

And so I lost myself in the sea of people and the bright lights.