These Four Words

I awoke to the obnoxious sound of the apartment buzzer going off consistently. I hated it when people in my building get locked out. I rolled out of bed, mindlessly walking towards the intercom. “Who is it?” I groaned into the microphone.

“John!” I woke up instantaneously.

“What the fuck John?! How did you get my address?” This was going too far. John had some seriously contections if he could find out my identity, where I worked, and my fucking address.

I could hear him laughing into the speaker on his end, “I found where you worked at. Did you really think that finding where you lived would be that much harder?”

“Touché. How many people do you have on the inside?”

“Too many to count, so are you going to buzz me in our what?”

“It is ten in the morning! Who gets up in New York before noon on a Saturday.”

“I do but I am also from Arizona and we don’t sleep in pass 9, buzz me in.” I rolled my eyes.

“Uhhhh can we do this in like two hours?”

“No, I have coffee.” I smiled and quickly hit the buzz button. I ran back to my room and threw on a pair of sweat pants and then put on a sweater in order to prevent myself from having to put on a bra. A quick knock rattled on my door. I opened it to reveal a John in a pair of skinny jeans and a leather jacket carrying two hot coffees. “Surprise!”

I held out my hand waiting for my coffee and he handed me the slightly larger cup. I took a large sip before giving him my thanks. “So why are you here at the break of dawn?”

“It is ten-thirty,” John told me laughing.

“On a Saturday,” I shook my head.

“So what made you change your mind?”

“I’m curious about you,” I told him honestly. "And the fact that you went through all that trouble to find me, leaves me intrigued as well."

“Curious? About what? I’m an open book.”

“Why would a good friend with my ‘ex’, who I walked out on and never spoke to again, wants to get to know me more.” I retorted not believing this whole "open book" bullshit.

“Fair point, I guess we both have questions we want answered.”

“Is this just a physical thing?” I asked crossing my hands over my chest.

John busted out laughing, “Are you serious?”

“Because I’m not interested in anything physical.”

“There was some sexual tension between us the first time we met at my house in Arizona but lets be real, I’m not interested in that with you.”

“Do you not find me attractive?” I was slightly offended.

I watch John squirm, “That is not what I meant.”

I laughed, “To each his own. What are we doing today?”

“We are going to learn about each other.”

"Sounds scary, can I get a better hint?"

“It is a surprise. Dress warm.” I frowned and stomped into my room. I found a pair of jeans that probably needed to be washed but I didn’t care. I took off my sweats and put on those jeans. I walked into my closet stripping off my sweater and put on a lacy bra. I found a light blue long-sleeved cashmere top, so I threw that on along with its matching scarf. I pulled on a pair of ridding boots before heading back out into the living room.

“Is this good?” John gave me a once over before smiling.

“I like that color on you.”

I blushed, “I feel like it makes my hair stand out even more.”

He nodded, “You look better as a brunette. Why did you change?”

I found my outer coat and put that on before grabbing my purse. “It was all apart of that disappearing act.”

John nodded, “I think you should go back to brunette.”

I shrugged and we headed out the apartment doors. I quickly locked up before facing him, “Maybe one day.”

“Okay so first we are heading to Little Italy, you still like ridiculously cheap wine right?”

I nodded my head sticking my hand out to hail a cab, “Of course. I’m not a big fan of getting cheap wine drunk before noon though.” John grabbed my hand and made me lower it back down to my side. I looked at him confused.

“We are taking this thing called a subway, you might not know what it is.” I rolled my eyes and slapped him.

“I thought famous people had drivers.” I retorted as we headed towards the closest subway tunnel.

“Good thing I’m not famous.”

“Yeah you're right, what was it? One hit song?” I gave him a look to let him know I was just joking.

John laughed, “If you could even call it a hit." we entered the tunnel and paid for our day passes. “So have you ever ridden the subway before?” John was being factious but I was at least glad this date would be interesting. I mean with us both being cynical assholes and all.

“When I first moved to New York when I didn’t have any money and a job that was ridiculously far away. “

“It must have been hard.” John looked serious.

“It was. I cut of contact with everyone, including my parents.”

“Why?”

I looked at him as we took our seats on the subway, “I told you I didn’t want to talk about it.”

“Sour subject I get it.”

“Do you really? Why are you here? Are you just here to make a fool out of me? To befriend me and then go back to Alex with all the juicy details of my fucked up life?” I asked stone-faced. I wasn’t angry I was just confused. Why after all this time? I mean I could kind of tell that John had a schoolboy crush on me, but that couldn't be enough for him to drop all of his responsibilities and be-friend me.Could it?

“Do you believe that I am capable of that?”

“I don’t know you that well.”

“But what you do know of me, do you think I could?”

I thought about it for a little bit, “No I don’t think you could hurt someone like I can.”

“I don’t think you meant to hurt Alex, I think you were doing what you thought best. Leaving him there with an engagement ring probably looked like the better option verses looking him in the eyes and telling him why you are leaving. Although that would have saved him some time in therapy.” The subway pulled up to our final destination and we got off heading up into the busy streets of Little Italy.

“What do you think about what I did?” He directed us towards a smaller part of Little Italy that I had never been to before.

“I think that you left a very good man.” He directed us into a small restaurant that had next to no one in it. His brutal honesty silenced me right up.

“Hey John, welcome back!” Some older Italian lady approached John and gave him a big hug. “Who is that?” She looked at me with such curiosity. “Possibly a girlfriend?”

John laughed loudly, “Patty this is Erin, Erin this is Patty. She makes the best tiramisu you have ever eaten.”

I smiled and held out my hand but she pulled me into a hug instead. “This is a family and we hug in this family. Come lets sit and eat and drink.” She sat us at this big large table towards the back of the restaurant.

“Do you come here often?” I asked dipping the bread on the table into the olive oil mixture, trying to break the awkward silence.

“Only every time I come to New York.”

“How did you find this place?”

He shifted in his seat uncomfortably, “Jack introduce me to it.” I nodded my head.

“How is Jack?”

“He hates you,” John deadpanned and I laughed.

“I figured.”

“But he hates Alex’s fiancé more.” Patty put two glasses of red wine on our table.

“Would you two like the special?” She smiled at us like a mother would.

“Of course Patty, but we want your tiramisu first.” Patty beamed and promised to be right back.

“Dessert first?” I asked skeptically.

“To be as cliché as possible, you only live once.” I laughed and Patty set down two large plates and promised to be back with our entrees soon. I took a large bite out of this Italian cake and just about fainted.

“THIS. IS. THE. BEST. CAKE. EVER.”

“Right?!?!” John exclaimed so happy that I enjoyed this cake as much as he did.

“You might be right about this whole dessert first thing.”

“I am a complete genus.” He kicked back laughing.

“That you are. So Mr. O’Callaghan, what have you been up to? Any EXs you want to complain to me about?”

“Nah, there hasn’t been a girl that has excited me in a very long time.”

“I’m intrigued, John O’Callaghan single and ready to mingle.”

“I am getting too old to mingle.”

“Ew do not remind me, twenty-three is not a good age for me.”

“You don’t look a day over twenty-one,” John winked.

“Keep the sweet talking going,” I laughed and so did he.I smiled at him tenderly taking a sip of the wine and polishing off my desert.

"So tell me about your friends." John demanded finishing up the last bit of his desert as well.

"Don't have any worth mentioning."

“You can’t tell me a girl like you doesn’t have any friends in a city this big,” John leaned back astonished.

“No, no. I have friends; I have a lot of friends actually, just none that I can talk to as easily and as open as I have talked to you today. You are very laidback and that makes it easier for me to open up to you.” Patty returned with two hearty bowls of lasagna, we thanked her for the meal and she scurried away.

“You are easy to talk to as well, Erin.” He smiled taking a large bite out of his meal. “Always have been.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

John looked at me surprised that I didn’t understand what he meant, “Erin you radiate when you walk into a room. It is one of the reasons why Alex like you so much, because you could capture the attention of a full room with doing nothing but just being there.”

I blushed super hard and I was almost positive my cheek colors match the shade of the pasta sauce. “I don’t think so.”

John laughed, “There is no way Alex would have stayed with you as long as he did without majorly fucking up if you didn’t have this ‘wow’ factor about you and let me tell you Erin, you have every ‘wow’ factor in the book.

“Can we talk about something other than me, how are you John?” I asked diving into my lasagna as well.

“Well we have a new album coming out soon and then we begin touring late March early April.”

I nodded my head, “When do you head back to Arizona?”

“Worried you are going to miss me?”

I glared at him from across the table and he held up his hands in self-defense, “I leave at the start of February.”

“What are you going to do in New York until then?”

“Bug the living shit out of you.” I laughed and so did he.

“Well then,” I rose what was left of my wine. “Here is to a month of annoying each other and finding out our deepest and dirtiest secrets.” John met me half way with his almost empty glass as well.

“Here, here.”



“Thank you for a great day,” I smiled up at John as we were walking back to the Upper East Side. “Lunch was amazing, the museum was fun, and I honestly had no idea that New York even had a laser tag arena.”

John laughed, “It is not over yet.”

“What else do you have planned?’ I asked curiously.

“It is a surprise.” John smiled at my excitement.

“I hate surprises,” I moaned dissatisfied. “Am I going to have to top this outing next time we go out? Because exciting Saturdays for me is buying a new Burkin bag.”

“I think you have it in you,” John was leading us towards an older looking building that had be condemned years ago.

“Are you a serial killer?” I asked stuffing a laugh as we climbed through a broken in window.

“Well that is the other part of the surprise,” John looked over at me with the most evil face he could produce. He reached for me and threw me over his shoulder like I was nothing more than a bag of flour. I squealed in surprise and protest.

“John put me down right now, I’m not kidding.” He wasn’t listening and started to climb the stairs in twos. “John seriously I’m heavy. I can walk. Put me down.” I demanded.

John scoffed, “I think my dog back home weighs more than you do.”

“John please just put me down.” He shrugged me off his shoulder and placed me back on my two feet. I didn’t want to look and him but he forced me too.

“You aren’t fat or heavy or anything bad you are thinking of yourself right now.” I rolled my eyes, “Erin listen to me. You are perfect and amazing just the way you are made.”

“Where are you taking me O’Callaghan?” I was desperate to change the conversation.

“Come on!” He grabbed my hand and dragged me up multiple flights of stairs until we got to the top floor. We were both out of breath but he he didn't stop. He took me to the side window and pushed it open with little effort. He jumped out landing on the roof and held his hand out for me. I smiled because back in my old apartment in LA the roof is where I always went to collect my thoughts. I took his hand and followed suit out the window. The view was amazing. It had a great view over my neighborhood and also the not so great surrounding neighborhoods. There was soft jazz music playing in the background and I smiled.

“There is a jazz club down the street that always has the best performers,” John said reading my thoughts. “I come out here to escape and I thought I would share one of my dirty secrets with you.”

I looked at him intrigued “Go on.”

“One of the songs that I wrote in the new album is about suicide up on top of a building, and this place really gave me the inspiration. The last few years have been hard for the band and I, but I couldn’t stop thinking about all the violence in the media and all the horrible suicides that have been occurring along with my own thoughts that would haunt me. So I came up here to collect my head and ended up writing a song.”

We sat down on an old AC unit and I grabbed his hand and squeezed it in support. “I attempted suicide before, I was stupid and naive and I am glad it didn’t work.”

“I kind of figured,” John told me and I was in shock.

“You figured?”

John tried to backtrack, “Not like that. I mean because Alex had written a very beautiful song about suicide and asked my opinion about it back in 2013, right after he met you. I kind of assumed he wrote it for you."

My shoulders slummed in defeat, “It was probably the only nice song that he has ever written about me.”

“I don't think so but that is up to you."

I nodded my head, “Do you think I should listen to it?”

John looked at me with so much intensity, “I think it would be good therapy.”

“I’ll get his CD.”

“And mine too,” John winked and I laughed.

“And yours too.” I agreed with a smile.

“Come on lets get going,” John took my hand and led me back into the building. I was scared to let him in, but deep down it felt right. I was just petrified to think about what would happen to the both of us if Alex found out.