These Four Words

“Erin I am so sorry I tried, I really did! Anna is just so pushy!” Annabelle followed after me trying to wipe her tears. Annabelle had frantically called me yesterday while I was still in Orlando, explaining that Anna was pissed. Well she used much more complex words to describe exactly how Anna was feeling, but I got the message loud and clear. Anna was pissed. Like "I am going to fire you" kind of pissed. I figured she was joking because there was no way Anna could have found out within a couple of hours that I wasn’t in New York “on call,” but she did, all thanks to Catherine’s husband. I guess I should have done my research, who would have thought that Catherine's husband works for the same company I used to fly me cross country? What are the odds?

“I made my bed and now its time for me to lay in it.” I told her with the shrug of my shoulders. Of course I was upset that Anna found out but it wasn’t Annabelle’s fault. I knew I should have been freaking out but the xanax I took before the meeting was just now kicking in.

Annabelle paused and looked at me with fear in her eyes. “I am so sorry.”

“Stop apologizing, I doubt she is going to fire me over missing a day and a half of work.” Annabelle bit her lip and contemplated what I had told her. Whether she believed me or not, I couldn’t tell.

“Okay,” She sighed. “I’ll be at the desk if you need me.”

I nodded my head in appreciation. “Thank you, Annabelle.” I straighten out my suit jacket before I turned around and knocked on Anna’s door. A barely audible “come-in” could be heard. I took slow calming breaths before I walked into her office.

Anna glanced up at me, “Please close the door behind you.” I did as I was told before moving to stand right in front of her desk. “Sit.” I quickly sat down on one of the old leather seats. I crossed my legs and forced myself to make eye contact with her. Anna kind of reminded me of the wicked-witch of the west-end. I had to stifle my laugh.

“I am confident that you know what this meeting is about,” Anna raised one of her eyebrows at my behavior.

“I do.”

“Good. So I don’t need to explain how irresponsible it was to take off to a different state during New York's largest even of the year?”

“I was gone for a little under 37 hours and I was still working.” I told her with confidence.

Anna scoffed. “You are useless to me if you can’t stay in the city.”

“Anna my brother was having his first child, I am the godmother! I needed to be there.”

“Erin, I am so disappointed in you.” Anna told me with a slight shake in her head. “Do you know why you got this job?”

“Because I beat Catherine out in that article.”

“No.” Anna told me with a slight smile. “While you article was a tad bit better, we picked you because you were a perfect fit for the position. Do you know why you were a perfect fit?”

“No, I guess I don’t.” I crossed my arms over my chest in a defensive manner. I was growing angrier by the minute.

“You were a perfect fit because you didn’t have a close family, or friends, or even a boyfriend of sorts. You were focused solely on work. We love that here. We need more of that here. Catherine is engaged, meaning she is about to start popping out ugly little brats and spending less time here at Vogue. I can’t have that in my editor’s position. You, on the other hand, you had nothing.”

“You picked me because I am alone?” I asked trying to mask my anger.

“We picked you because your life was Vogue.”

I felt angry and cheated. I thought I had earned this job! I thought they picked me because of my skills, not because I was alone! I felt hot tears prick at the corner of my eyes. “What if that isn’t what I want? What if I want the family and a husband?”

Anna looked at me as if I had stabbed her with a knife. “Then you are disposable to me.”

I looked away quickly to blink away my tears. How could this have happened? How could my dream job quickly turn into my biggest nightmare? Was it worth it? Could a job really be worth spending the rest of my life alone?

“I know what you are thinking,” Anna stated. “I was in the same seat you are in forty years ago. Debating if giving up my personal life was worth it. Guess what, Erin? It is. I have money, fame, and a legacy. Quitting this job for a family would have never given me that. I have traveled to places that people dream about. I have been in more magazines than I can count. I have houses all over the world! It can all be yours Erin. In fact, Erin, I want it to be yours. You have the dedication, the natural born fashion sense, and the elegance."

“I don’t-I don’t know.” I told her looking down at my shoes.

“I want you to be the person that takes over this magazine when I retire in ten years.”

“What?” I asked her, my head snapping up. Taking over a international magazine at thirty-four is unheard of. I felt like a fish out of water, gasping for air.

Anna smiled, “We have chosen you to be my successor.” I let it all sink in. Do I want the money and the fame? Or do I want the family? All I ever wanted in life was to be envied by millions and starting a family wouldn’t do that for me. How could I even be sure that the guy I wanted to be with even wanted a family with me? I could be giving up everything for a dream that could never become a reality.

"The day you applied to work here from that awful alternative magazine, we knew you had the special spark. I mean my advisors thought you would be useless to this magazine. You wrote about garbage music and then all of the sudden you wanted to work in fashion? Ha! I took a chance on you and you proved me right. You are exactly what this magazine needed and now I am asking you to stay. To become the next editor-and-chief of American Vogue. Some girls would kill to be in your seven hundred dollar shoes right now."

“But I have to give up family.”

“Yes, you do. We all make sacrifices for the things we love.”

I stood up quickly. I needed to fight for myself. “I am so sorry Anna but this job isn’t for me. You can’t ask me to give up on love or my family for a job.” She looked taken aback. “You can take this as my formal resignation.” I sent her one last look before I stormed out with a weight lifted off my chest. Annabelle looked like a deer caught in headlights when I passed her. I knew she, along with the rest of the surrounding staff were listening in.

"Ms. Taylor," Annabelle started standing up quickly from her spot next to the door. "I-can, I-"

"I quit Annabelle." Her eyes grew wide and she seemed at a loss for words. "I will put in a good word for you at HR so you can stay here." Annabelle seemed even more shocked that I gave a damn about her job.

"Thank you," She managed to get out before quickly taking me in a hug. "I wish you the best." Annabelle pulled back just as quick as she hugged me. "Are you sure this is what you want?"

For the first time in my life I was one hundred percent sure. I never felt so sure about anything. I didn't want a job that required me to give up my life. Money, things, and fame weren't worth it. Nothing was worth giving up your loved ones. I wish I could have figured this out years ago. It was have solved so much of my running away. "I'm sure." I handed Annabelle my keys, security pass, and parking pass. With one last goodbye I excited the office that controlled years of my life. I quickly grabbed my phone out of my purse and sent a text to my mom and dad. I knew they would worry about me, but I had a decent sized savings I could live off for a while. I could wait a decent amount of time until I found a job that I loved. I took a deep breath and clicked on Alex's name.

This is what I want. I reminded myself. I sent Alex a quick text telling him to meet me at my apartment in thirty minutes. I was ready to leap.

I just hope he was willing to leap with me.