These Four Words

“Ms. Taylor?” Annabelle peeked inside of my office with a hesitant smile.

“Yes?” I asked not bothering to look away from my computer screen. I was crushing this game of solitary.

“I’m about to head out, do you need anything before I go?” I frowned before looking at my digital clock realizing it was already after five. I had been avoiding my place and basically any public place since I last talked to Alex. After his almost-confession that he wasn’t over me, I had a small panic attack and then not so politely shoved him out of my apartment. I had thirty-seven missed calls from him before I decided to turn off my phone. I was running away just like I did three years ago.

“I’m good, thanks.” I returned her smile before she walked away briskly. I sighed pushing myself back from my desk. There was an array of boxes everywhere in preparation for my “big” move to the corner office. I heard through the office grapevine that Catherine had turned in her report today and once it goes through editing Anna will receive it and give us her finally judgment by the time I get back from my trip with John. “That reminds me,” I mumbled to myself before picking up my phone and dialing his all too familiar number.

“I was beginning to think you died.”

I chuckled just a bit. “The phone works both ways you know.”

“Indeed it does.” I could picture him smiling. “What are you doing?”

I looked around my office, “Working.”

“Working hard or hardly working?” He mused.

“Good point.” There was a pregnant pause before I spoke up again. “So I really need to talk to you.”

I heard John clear his through on the other end. “Well this can’t be good.”

“Alex came over the other day.” John didn’t respond. I grew more frustrated. “I just wanted to let you know that he implied that he wasn’t over me and then I kicked him out of my apartment.” I sat on the end of my desk. I inwardly cringed at the way that my explanation sounded.

“It seems like you can’t keep the musicians away from you.” He finally responded after a few silent moments. "Do you want to get back together with him?"

“John—“ I started but before I could come up with another excuse, he cut me off.

“Do you have any intention of dating either one of us?”

I groaned knowing that he was going to lead me down this path. “I honestly don’t know right now.”

“What the hell do you want then Erin? You can’t lead the both of us on.”

“Last time I checked we BOTH agreed to being just friends. As for Alex, I have yet led him to believe that I want anything from him.” I was growing angry. I wasn’t going to let John bully me into having a relationship. It was my right to fall in love with whoever, whenever and wherever I wanted to.

“I’m fine with being friends with you as long as you aren’t dating him.”

I rolled my eyes. “You mean as long as I’m not dating anyone, right?” I heard him scoff but he didn’t speak. I had hit the nail on the head with that one. John was going to be content with being my friend as long as it didn’t lead me into a relationship with a guy other than him. He was selfish. Almost as selfish as I was. “Look, I have to go.”

“Of course you do.”

“Maybe we should just give each other space until the twentieth.”

“Whatever Erin, bye.” I was left with dial tone. I honestly didn’t know what to do anymore. I liked John, but I still wasn’t sure if it was as a romantic partner or not. I mean it was undeniable that he was good in bed but so was Alex. I couldn’t pick a “boyfriend” as they wanted me to based on physical feelings and my emotional ones were too fucked up to rely on. I wanted nothing more than to escape both of these boys. My phone ran again and I half expected it to be John.

“What do you want, John?” I asked without checking the caller ID.

I heard a chuckle that was not Johns. “So now you answer your phone.”

“Alex?” I asked semi-confused.

“Whose John?”

I hesitated. I wanted to tell him the truth but I also knew what would happen to the both of us if I did. So I did what I do best and I lied to him. “A co-worker who was supposed to be helping me out but bailed last minute.”

“With what? I could help if need be.”

“Thanks but its nothing I can’t handle.” I sighed running my hands threw my hair. “What can I do for you, Alex?”

“Well I mean I’ve tried calling you for the past two days.”

“I know,” I trailed off not to sure on how I was supposed to respond to something like that.

I heard Alex laughing, “You know? You didn’t think to, I don’t know, call me back?”

“I’ve been busy with work,” I reasoned trying to hastily close the solitary game I had been playing, as if he could see me.

“Do you think we could talk? Somewhere in person?”

“I don’t know if that would be a good idea.”

“Please,” He begged. “Let me just get everything off my chest. We never finished talking everything out and if you still don’t want to talk to me after, I will leave for good. You will never see or hear from me again.”

I weighed my options.“Sure I will meet you.”

“Ok, I’m outside of your office building now.”

I held in my groan. “I’ll be down shortly.”

And I was already regretting this. I quickly collected my things before I headed down the elevator. I thanked Josh, our head security guard, before heading outside and sure enough there was Alex. I didn’t think it was possible but in the three years he’s been out of my life, Alex became more attractive. His hair was a little longer, he had a few more tattoos, his jaw seemed stronger, and he must have worked out often. He was standing there in a pair of skinnies and a long-sleeved V-neck. Alex always had a quirky since of fashion, hence the weird hat he was sporting.

“You look beautiful,” Alex grinned as soon as he saw me. I looked down taking in my own appearance. I was in a high-wasted tan pencil skirt with a peach blouse tucked in. I looked plain and nothing like the old Erin.

“Uh thanks,” I opened my arms and embraced him in an awkward hug. Alex held the door open to the black escalade for me and I climbed in. Once he was also in, Alex gave the driver instructions to head towards a downtown dive bar.

“I remember you telling me that you always wanted to try this place,” He smiled at the memory. “Did you?”

“No,” I replied cautiously.

“Shame.”

We sat in awkward silence for another twenty minutes until we had arrived at our destination. Once there, Alex had hurriedly jumped out and held his hand out for me. I took it, graciously, and continued out the door. I looked at the old worn-down bar and couldn’t help the smile that was breaking out on my face. “You like?”

I looked over at Alex who had just as big of a smile as I did. “I love it.”

He took my hand and let us in. “Good I was worried you would hate it because obviously you changed—“ He paused thinking about his words. “Not like that is a bad thing. I mean we all change. Change is inevitable. Oh my god I sound like a hallmark card.” Alex groaned and I stiffened my laugh.

“Don’t be nervous,” I placed my hand on his arm. “Its just me.” Alex nodded and led us to one of the high top tables. As soon as we sat down a platinum blonde with a ton of tattoos walked up to us.

“What can I get you two to drink?” She asked showing off her bright white smile.

“Two jack and cokes,” Alex repeated without hesitating. Ordering an old favorite of mine. “Wait—Shit! I didn’t mean to order for you it’s just out of habit.”

I laughed waving him off, “It’s fine. I haven’t had jack in a very long time.” The blonde smiled and walked away promising to return soon. I could feel the tension growing. “So the ball is in your court.” I cringed at my words. “What did you want to talk about?” Before Alex could respond the blonde returned with our drinks.

“Thank you,” Alex sent her a small smile before taking a large gulp of his drink.

“Did you ever love me?”

I finished my drink in three seconds. “I loved you more than you would understand.”

“I still love you.”

If I was drinking anything I would have spit it out. I knew he still had feeling for me but love? I caught the eye of the blonde and signaled for two more drinks. “I don’t know what you want me to say to that.” I looked into his big brown eyes and found myself melting. “You have a model of a fiancé.”

Alex chuckled, “I could never love her the way I love you.” Our waitress brought the two drinks over and a quickly took my respected glass and sipped at it greedily.

“Can I get four shots of tequila?” I asked without hesitation. She looked at me weirdly but nodded her head nonetheless.

“Are you dating anyone?”

“Not really,” I shrugged. “I haven’t been into the whole ‘relationship thing’ since.” Alex nodded his head while finishing his drink. The blonde set the four shots down.

“Anything else I can get you two?” She asked a little rudely but we were being needy customers.

Alex got a sly smirk on his face. “Bring the bottle,” now it was my turn to be shocked but before I could protest the waitress was off fetching us a full bottle of tequila.

“New game. Every time one of us ask a question we have to take a shot.” Seemed fair.Alex picked up a glass and sent me a smirk. “Why did you change your identity?” He took the shot and slammed the glass down on the table.

“Not to get away from you. To hide from Kyle.” The bottle was placed on table. I picked up a shot.

“Why did you get engaged if you were still in love with me?” I took the shot and cringed at the taste of cheap tequila.

Alex had a small smile, “I felt like it was time to settle down.”

“Even if you don’t love her?!” I asked surprised.

“Shot,” He handed me a glass and I quickly downed it.

“Even if I don’t love her,” Alex confirmed. “Do you still think about me?” Shot.

“I used to,” I shrugged. “Do you still think about me?” Shot.

“All the time.”

“How many songs are about me on the new album?” Shot.

“Seven.”

I paused thinking of another question. This game was getting dangerous and I was feeling plenty drunk.

“Were you at my engagement party?” Shot.

“Yes,” I whispered not being able to look him in the eyes. “Did you see me?” shot.

“Yes.”

The silence at the table was almost unbearable. My head was beginning to spin. I went to get up from the table. “Would you give me another chance?” Alex took his shot and looked at me expectedly.

“I wou—“ The ringing of his cell phone stopped me. He pulled it out and his finance’s name flashed on the screen. I stood up from the table. “I should get going.” Stumbling through the bar I quickly made my way out. I knew he wouldn’t chase me. Alex didn’t want a challenge and that is all that I was and that is all I would ever be. A fucking challenge.