These Four Words

I was trembling in a chair that was probably worth more than my entire wardrobe—which was saying a lot. Anna Wintour was sitting behind her desk reading my report. I began to bite on my pinky nail as she frowned flipping the page. While I believed one hundred percent in the work I produced, it was a little edgy for this magazine. Maybe VP wouldn’t be a good job for me after all. I began to think about the last time I saw Alex two days ago. I half expected him to be waiting outside of my office building by the time I finished dropping off my report but to my dismay, he wasn’t. Part of me wanted to get in touch with him. The selfish part of me wanted him to be close even if he was only just screaming how much he hated me.

“Ophelia this is—“ She paused shaking her head. I braced myself for the worst. “Absolutely brilliant!” She exclaimed. My jaw dropped. I was not expecting that.

“It is?”

Anna started laughing as if I had told her a joke. “The trend for 2015 at best can be described as a year of mistakes. When we run out of pure inspiration we start pulling details from the past—our past mistakes. Fringe and leather combo? Past mistake. Thigh-high heels? Pretty woman has been there, done that. Why do we push away our inspirations and our creativity just to mold ourselves into past mistakes?” Anna set down the rough draft and looked me in my eyes. “I could continue on but you know what you wrote. It seems almost as a satirical piece but it’s so gripping and full of emotion. It causes one to stop and revaluate not only their closets but also their lives. This was the exact piece that I was dying for one of you to give me.” I beamed up at her.

“Does this mean I got the job?”

Anna’s smiled faltered only slightly. “Catherine still has until the 23rd to submit her piece and then the board will meat and make a decision, but I wouldn’t fret Ophelia. With a piece like this and your amazing work ethic, you having nothing to worry about.” Anna smiled standing up and moved in front of her desk ushering me out politely.

“Well thank you Anna,” I shook her hand. “I’m glad you enjoyed the article.” She nodded once more before I turned around and headed out of her office. I was going to stop to see Alexis but I didn’t want to deal with whatever boy drama she now had. I kept walking until I hit the elevators. I pressed the ground floor button and finally let out a big breath of air that I had been holding in. Things were looking up in my professional life but in my personal life, it was anything but success.

The door binged and a walked out into the main lobby. I turned in my security pass and gave the guard a small smile before continuing on my way. I, however, was not prepared to see Alex standing in the lobby of this building looking like shit. His hair, which was usually a styled messy, was just messy and greasy. His clothes were the same ones he had on when he dropped me off two days ago and he had heavy bags under his eyes that made it look like he hadn’t slept in months. I was tempted to sneak out past him, but he looked so vulnerable that I couldn’t just do that to him, not again.

“Hey,” His head snapped up as I slowly approached him. His eyes grew wide and I gave him a fraction of a smile. “What are you doing here?”

He stood up so that I didn’t have to look down at him. “Uh I was waiting for you.” He awkwardly scratched the back of his neck.

“You where?”

“I wanted to talk to you.”

I gave him a funny look, “Why didn’t you have them ring me? How long have you been waiting here for?”

“They said you were in an important meeting,” He trailed off and I nodded my head realizing that I did tell my assistant to cancel anything I had going on to day and just take my messages. I figured my meeting with Anna wasn’t going to go smooth.

“Well what do you want to talk to me about?” I asked shifting my weight from one foot to another. Alex’s eyes darkened slightly.

“I think you know why,” His voice got a bit deeper and I had to bite my lip to keep from moaning.

“Lets get a cup of coffee, shall we?” I needed something stronger than coffee to help me get through this conversation. Alex just nodded his head and numbly followed a step or two behind me. Once we reached the closest Starbucks, I got my chai tea and he got his black coffee. I was afraid of this conversation turning heated quickly so I offered that we talk back at my apartment, Alex neither agreed nor disagreed so I hailed us a cab and that is how we ended up on opposite ends of my very expensive couch. Neither of us would speak. I kept taking cautionary glances at Alex, but he seemed so lost in his own world. This was my entire fault. Why wasn’t he yelling at me? He should hate me. I took a deep breath before opening my mouth to speak.

“—Why did you do it?”

I was stunned into silence. “I’m sorry what are you referring to?”

Alex looked over at me with his brown eyes blazing with intensity. “You know damn well Erin.” I flinched.

“How did you know?” Stupid question.

He started laughing like a mad man. His body turned closer to mine and his face was harsh. “You act like I wasn’t in-fucking-love with your sorry ass for a year. You act as if I didn’t memorize every detail about you. You act as if I could ever forget a face like yours.” My eyes began to water but he needed to let it all out. I was the main reason for his outrage and I was going to let him take out every last bit of it until he could move on with his life. “I fucking hated you! HATED YOU!” He roared. “But now I only pity you.”

“Oh you pity me? That’s rich.” I scoffed and regretted it as soon as it left my mouth.

Alex stood up quickly and made his way towards me. “You see I spent months agonizing about whatever I did to make you leave without another fucking word. You left me sitting on the park bench with a fucking wedding ring! I wanted to marry you! I wanted to have kids with you! I would have given up everything for you.” He took a deep breath trying to calm his anger. “But now I’m the one who can leave you. I have a beautiful fiancé and a career that is taking off faster than anyone could imagine.” He chuckled to himself again. “I wanted to marry you, you heartless bitch.”

“I know,” I whispered closing my eyes.

“You knew?” I nodded my head keeping my eyes shut knowing I wouldn’t be able to handle the expression that he was wearing. I heard Alex take a deep breath before flopping down on the couch next to me. “How did we end up here?”

“I didn’t want to hold you back,” I opened my eyes and I was face to face with Alex.

“You wha—“

“That’s why I did it.” I cringed knowing how that sounded. I had to be honest. It is what he deserves. “At least that’s what I told myself in the beginning. You see before that night I could tell I was bringing you down. You deserved to be happy and I was only causing more troubles. You had your own issues to deal with and you didn’t need mine on top of that.”

“That is some fucking bullshit.” Alex huffed breaking his eye contact.

“You didn’t let me finish,” I kicked off my heels and moved my feet underneath me trying to get comfortable. “What I am about to tell you Alex is going to upset you but I need you to remain calm. You need to let me finish before you talk or else I wont tell you what you deserve to hear. Is that alright?”

Alex nodded his head solely not being able to take his eyes off of my grand piano. “The night we got into our fight Kyle attacked me.” I watched Alex cringe but not tear his eyes away. “He raped me multiple times that night and then promised that he would be back again. I guess I couldn’t face you after that. I didn’t want you to get involved because it was going to end badly. You would have made me gone to the police and I would have. I would press charges and maybe Kyle would have been put in jail but I would have to deal with the backlash from my community, from both Kyle’s and Caroline’s parents and friends, and most importantly from your own fans. They would have quickly found out about me and I couldn’t deal with people talking down to you or me. Your career was picking up and you had just signed to a new record company. I knew you couldn’t afford to be wrapped up in my drama. You and I both needed a clean slate and I tried to give that to us. It is what you deserved and it is what I needed.”

I looked up from my lap and I saw Alex was staring at me with intensity. “It was wrong and it was unfair but it worked.” I laughed pathetically. “You have an amazing career with a super model. I have a career I never could have gotten if we stayed together. I am so sorry for everything, Alex. I wanted to tell you right then and there at the park, but I didn’t have it in me. I loved you too much to let you go face to face. Had I shown up, I would have said yes and then what? We go through all of those complications? We get married and have kids? We would grow to resent each other because we both would have given up our dreams. I'm sorry I let you go the way I did but I'm not sorry for doing it."

“I’m sorry too,” Alex told me after a few minutes of utter silence. “For what happened with you and Kyle.” I nodded my head not waiting to elaborate on it. “I want to kill the fucking bastard.”

I chuckled, “You and me both. However, I have moved on and made peace.”

“We are two fucked up individuals, aren’t we?” I nodded my head not being able to form words. “So you moving away and changing your identity, wasn’t just to hide from me?”

“No,” I told him quietly as I picked at the hem of my sweater. “It was to hide myself from Kyle.”

Alex breathed out a sigh of relief. “That makes me feel a little bit better.”

I gave him a shy smile, “I’m glad.”

“I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier,” He paused thinking about it. “And calling you those horrible names. I just want you to know that I don't pity you, I envy you." I gave him an odd look but he continued. "You don't care about what anyone thinks about you. I'm engaged because that is all that I care about. I hate my fiancé. I hate this fake persona I created in spite of you. I'm not happy and I want to blame this all on you."

"You should."

Alex took my hand, "I shouldn't. You were and still are the best thing that has ever crashed its way into my life."

"I was a bit of a klutz, wasn't I?" I chuckled and he nodded his head. " We both deserve to be happy and this is a step in the right direction. Maybe after today, we can both move on with our lives?" There was a long pause.

Alex didn’t say anything as he fiddled with his watch. “Maybe I don’t want to move on.”