Shuffle

“Yo! I’m home! I’ve got my eyes covered and they’ll stay that way until I count to 30…so you two make yourselves decent!” Saya’s familiar voice sounded out from the doorway. It was muffled between walls, but she was loud enough to get her point across.

“You don’t have to do that! We’re done now!” Die responded, chest rising with laughter. I narrowed my eyes at the man who kept me pinned to the bed, feathering kisses along my chest. I’d thrown on one of Die’s oversized shirts and sweats. He was already trying to remove them.

“Dammit Die! Share the woman!” Saya groaned from outside the door. Die chuckled, rolling over to shoo me away. I quickly bolted out the door and into my best friend’s arms-although I hardly recognized her!

“What the hell did you do to your hair?!” I laughed, squeezing her tightly. She returned the gesture, her arms locked around my waist. “I love it!” I beamed, pulling away to study the woman. Her hair was blue. Blue! And half was shaved! She pierced her nose-the woman who swore she would never put a hole in anything other than her ears. There was a tattoo on her neck, a phoenix. Even her attire was completely different.

“I got a new job too! In a recording studio. Did you lose weight?” She tutted, fingers pinching my small frame. “You did!” She narrowed her eyes.

“I’ve been sick.” I frowned. “I can’t keep much down.” I shrugged.

“Have you seen a doctor?” She questioned, donning her nurse persona. “How long have you been sick? Have you started any new medications? Are you menstruating regularly?” She hammered out. I quickly interrupted the woman, palms raised defensively.

“I’m going to see one soon.” I nodded. She squinted, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Don’t think I’m done with you just yet.” She tutted, her gaze suddenly skimming my body. “Please tell me you’re not wearing that…” She trailed off.

“I didn’t have enough time to pack.” I frowned, “I wasn’t sure if I was coming or not.” I explained. Saya quickly glanced at the clock before dragging me away into Die’s guest room, forcing me to face her closet.

“Pick something out. I’ll do your hair and makeup.” She instructed, plugging her curling iron into the wall. I did as I was told as she gathered her supplies. I’d settled with a pair of high waist shorts, fringed crop top, and an oversized, light weight cardigan. I frowned as I struggled to button my pants.

“I thought we wore the same size?” I grumbled, waist squeezed into the clothing. Saya cocked her head, brows furrowed.

“Your stomach is a bit swollen. Here, try these ones-they’re my bloated shorts.” She chuckled, tossing a black pair at me. I quickly changed into them, relieved for the roomy bottoms. “Are you on your period now?” She questioned.

“No.” I shrugged. “I’ve just been bloated I guess. Even Die noticed.” I pouted. She set me down in a chair, getting to work on my hair.

“You’ve definitely been getting it though, right?” She asked.

“Yeah. It’s been a lot lighter and doesn’t last as long. But I’ve been getting it.” I shrugged. I felt like I was at the doctor’s office. She nodded, soft auburn curls falling to my waist.

“Is there a chance you’re pregnant?” She questioned.

“I wouldn’t be getting my period if I was pregnant.” I frowned.

“That’s not necessarily true. Some women experience spotting during their pregnancy when they would usually receive their period. It’s blood, but it’s not your menstrual cycle.”

“Oh…” I uttered, mouth agape. I had no idea.

“Do you and Die use any form of birth control?” She continued. “Are you on the pill?”

“No. I’m not on the pill. We usually use condoms…” I trailed off.

“Usually?” Saya set down the curler, her eyes meeting mine.

“Well, um…sometimes he doesn’t.” I murmured, turning away from her gaze. “He usually…p-pulls out.” I stuttered, blushing with embarrassment.

“When are you usually sick?”

“All the time.” I chuckled, “But it’s really bad in the mornings. It’s been this way for over two weeks.”

“Are you experiencing any food aversions or cravings? Are your breasts swollen or tender? Are you fatigued?” She ranted off a list of questions.

“W-what?!” I squeaked, clutching my head. “N-no!” I lied, standing and leaving the chair.

“Have you taken a pregnancy test?” Saya continued.

“NO!” I shouted. “I’M NOT…” I quickly turned away, wringing my fingers together. “I couldn’t be pregnant.” I stammered under my breath. It wasn’t possible. Was it? “Can we just go?” I returned my gaze. Saya looked concerned as she held her elbow.

“Yeah. If that’s what you want.” She frowned. “But Rhu…If I was your doctor, I would consider the chance of a pregnancy.”

“Really?” I whispered.

“All the symptoms fit.” She nodded. I studied the floor, my face heating as reality hit. I could be pregnant. The thought was terrifying.

I felt a comforting pair of arms wrap around me. I let myself drown in a sea of blue, floral scented hair. She held me tightly, her hands running along my back supportively.

“It’s okay.” Saya’s voice whispered as I shook, clenching her shirt in my hands. “I’m here for you. And so is Die. We’ll get to the bottom of this.” I could tell she was smiling. I nodded, attempting to collect myself. I pulled away from our embrace, taking a deep breath.

“Let’s go meet the guys. I’ve had a stressful couple of days.” I attempted to laugh, “I could use an evening of fun.” I settled for a smile. Saya nodded, lips twisting into a grin.

“You look really pretty.” She added, turning me so that I faced a mirror. She was right. It had been a while since I really looked at myself. All the marks from my father had disappeared. My skin seemed to glow, every freckle dancing in delight. Even my hair seemed brilliant. In that brief moment, I had an idea of how Die saw me.

“Let’s get out of here.” I smiled, the three of us leaving together. Die had his arms thrown around both our shoulders, his lips on my head.

“I’m so glad I’m back.” I beamed as we drove to Kyo’s.

“We’re even happier to have you back.” Saya laughed, “I was afraid this guy would never smile again.” She winked, gesturing toward Die.

“Hey now!” He glared at the short, colorful woman through the rear view mirror.

“Is everyone going to be there?” I questioned.

“Just Kyo and Shinya. Kaoru is working with our manager tonight. And Toshiya is in rehab for a few more weeks.” Die answered. The last part surprised me.

“Not that I’d want him there...” Saya muttered under her breath. I was aware that the two had split, but that was the extent of my knowledge. I wasn’t one to pry, but my curiosity was itching away. Why was he in rehab? What went on between the two while I was in Boston? Regardless, that wasn’t my dirty laundry to air out.

“A small get together is best.” I nodded, playing with the ends of my hair.

About 20 minutes passed before we reached Kyo’s. I’d never been to his place. He lived in a condo, on the ground floor. Saya ushered us through a gate on the side of building that opened to the back yard. The fenced area was lit by stringed twinkling lights, and already Kyo and Shinya were gathered around a small fire.

“There you are!” Kyo exclaimed, “We were beginning to wonder if you forgot where I lived!” He teased, nudging Die in passing as he met with Saya and me. Shinya joined him.

“We’re so glad to have you back, Rhu.” Shinya smiled, opening his arms to gather me in a fragile hug. Even Kyo offered me a crooked grin. Soon, we were all gathered around the cozy fire, plates of food balancing on our laps. Saya sat close to Kyo, the two chatting amongst themselves as Shinya and Die conversed briefly about the band. I picked at the food in front of me, mind no longer distracted.

‘Should I ask Die to pick up a pregnancy test? Maybe he’d know more about them than me-I’ve never had to bother with one before. What if it was positive? No, it’s going to be negative. It has to be negative.'

'What is Die going to think? If I am pregnant, would we keep it? How pregnant am I? Am I too pregnant? Do I still have options? I mean, adoption is still an option. Could I go through with that?'

'What if he wants it?! He already said he wants kids! Would we raise it together? What if we break up? Who would raise the baby? Could I raise a baby?! Should I just hand it over to him and be on my way?’

“Rhu? You look constipated.” Saya’s slurred speech distracted me from my inner monologue.

“Huh?” I squeaked, meeting her eyes. She sat before me, swaying uneasily as she held a beer bottle in her hand. I glanced around, noticing the number of empty bottles that now surrounded us. How long was I daydreaming? I noticed Die’s concerned look.

“Are you okay?” He whispered, “Are you feeling sick again?” He frowned. My lips formed a narrow line as I considered his question. I nodded in response, hoping the two of us could leave. I felt bad for wanting to leave, but I just couldn’t have a good time with all this weighing on me. Die stood, shuffling to my side to help me to my feet. He held my uneasy body steadily, right hand massaging my back.

“We’re going to get going.” Die started, his attention on Saya.

“You two go ahead. I have unfinished business here.” Saya instructed, her attention on the half full bottle in hand.

“I’ll bring her home in the morning.” Kyo muttered.

“Okay.” Die shrugged, “Thanks for having us Kyo.” He added with a smile. The man nodded silently in return, poking at the fire before him.

“See you at practice.” He murmured.

“Bye Rhuuuu!” Saya sang, throwing an arm over Kyo’s shoulders as we left the small group. I waved as Die held open the gate for me, ushering me to his car.

“Do you want me to drive?” I questioned.

“Why?” He furrowed his brows.

“You guys were all drinking…you know how I feel about driving afterwards.” I frowned.

“I wasn’t drinking.” He chuckled, opening the passenger door for me. “I wanted to make sure the princess got home safely.” He winked, teasing as I sat down. I glowered at the man as he hurried to the driver’s seat, keys in the ignition.

“Um…Die?” I murmured, his gaze falling on me. “C-can we stop at the store?” I wrung my fingers together nervously.

“Sure. What do you need?” He questioned. I was hesitant, mouth forming the words I dreaded to hear.

“A pregnancy test.”



I felt comforted by his familiar, warm embrace. His tender kisses covered my body, like butterflies hovering over my skin.

“Kyo.” I breathed as his lips feathered over my stomach, fingers skimming along my pelvis. He fumbled with my jeans, tugging at the button.

‘No…don’t. I’m not ready.’ I mouthed. But the words wouldn’t leave my tongue. ‘Stop!’ I silently shouted, attempting to push him out of the way. I didn’t want him to see. His hands shoved mine away forcefully, dark hair covering his face. I fought against him, only to be thrown back. I felt a cold, familiar object resting against my throat.

“Stop struggling.” His icy words filled my ears. This wasn’t Kyo’s voice…it was his. Toshiya’s black eyes bored into mine, a menacing smile twisted on his lips.

“Noooo!” I screamed, my voice ripping from my lungs. He held me down as I thrashed, razor sinking into my throat. It burned, but no blood came gushing out. His grip was firm as he shook me.

“Saya!” Toshiya screamed in Kyo’s voice, like a puppet. “Saya! Wake up!”

I bolted upright, realizing I was still screaming. I held my fingers to my throat, tears streaming down my face. My eyes jumped throughout the room, looking for him. Kyo sat at my side, his almond eyes narrowed in concern.

“Saya, it was just a bad dream. You’re safe.” He whispered as I struggled to breathe. His hands hovered over me, afraid of my reaction.

“K-Kyo?” I stuttered, chest heaving.

“I’m right here.” He whispered, tenderly resting his fingers on my shoulder.

“H-he was going to kill me…” I whimpered, bringing my knees to my chest. I wrapped my arms around my bare legs.

“No one is going to hurt you, Saya.” Kyo cooed, “I’m protecting you.” I stared at him, tears still bubbling over.

I let my mouth shut, my body falling into his comforting embrace. His strong arms held me close, his chin resting on my head. He moved his fingers in small circles along my arms, chest humming a nearly silent melody. I stayed silent, allowing my eyes to adjust and heart to calm. Slowly, my breathing returned to normal. My head still spun from the alcohol I’d consumed.

“Did we have sex?” I questioned, realizing I wore only underwear and a loose fitting tee.

“You don’t remember? It was mind blowing!” Kyo exclaimed. I could tell he was joking from the crooked grin on his face. “After Die and Rhu left you got plastered, threw up all over yourself, and passed out.” He chuckled. “I cleaned you up and tucked you in.” I frowned. I didn’t remember any of that-I guess I was pretty drunk.

“Thanks.” I whispered, letting my eyes fall shut.

“You owe me big time.” He sniggered, attempting to conceal a yawn. I glanced at the clock, realizing it was 3:12AM.

“Go to sleep, Kyo.” I frowned, “Don’t worry about me.”

“Are you going to be okay?” He asked. I nodded, feigning a smile.

“It was just a bad dream.” Kyo didn’t look thoroughly convinced, but returned to his feet.

“If you insist.” He sighed, moving to the doorway. My heart raced as his small figure grew further from my sight. I didn’t want to see him go…what if he wasn’t here to wake me from my next nightmare?

“Wait!” I squeaked, shifting to the edge of the bed. He paused in his step, turning to gaze at me. His fingers rested on the doorknob, waiting for my voice. “…Stay with me?” I whispered. I noticed how he scratched his head in deliberation, but soon he pulled the door closed, returning to my side.

“How kind of you…inviting me to sleep in my own bed.” He smirked, teasing as he pulled the blankets aside and crawled in with me.

I kept distance between the two of us, but the heat of his skin barely brushing against mine set me ablaze. I watched as his chest rose slowly with each breath. His dark hair fell in front of his eyes, nose wriggling as it tickled his skin. His eyelids twitched as he dreamed, his lips parting to release air. I wondered what he was dreaming about? I moved closer, resting my forehead against his shoulder as I let my own eyes close.

I didn’t fall back to sleep, I wouldn’t let myself wake him again.



“So…do you think you really are…” Die’s voice broke the awkward silence that filled the room. We’d just returned to the house, and I’d finished my second glass of water. The test sat in the bathroom, waiting to be put to use.

“I-I don’t know.” I admitted, “After you and Saya both suggested it, I figured I shouldn’t ignore it.” I stammered.

“But shouldn’t you just know? You’re a woman after all.” Die bit his lip. His eyes bounced, fingers twitching through his hair nervously.

“I’ve never been pregnant before.” I furrowed my brows. He nodded in understanding.

“I thought you said you’d been getting your period?”

“Saya said I may just be spotting-it’s pretty common in pregnancies. I may have confused the two.” I frowned. If that was the case, then how far along was I? A few days, a couple months? It could be any time. I noticed Die bury his face in his hands, rubbing his sinuses furiously.

“I should’ve worn a condom…” He groaned. “Fuck!” He growled.

“I might not even be pregnant.” I frowned, “I could just be sick, like I thought all along.” I pressed. Die sighed heavily, falling against the wall. He was silent for a long time. It felt like eons before I finally had the urge to pee.

“I-I’m going to the bathroom.” I rose to my feet, clenching my fists. His gaze moved to meet mine.

“Should I come with you?” He questioned.

“And watch me pee?!” I stammered, blushing madly. “I’ll call you in when I’m done!” I squeaked, hurrying into the restroom.

I sat on the edge of the bathtub, pulling the instructions from the box. I don’t know how many times I read them. Enough to make me want to pee myself. I didn’t want to mess this up. I situated myself on the toilet, heart thrumming in my chest as I did as the instructions suggested. My hands shook nervously, body tense.

'I’d forgotten how to pee! I would be forever condemned to a life with a full bladder!'

I forced my eyes shut, releasing the breath I’d been holding. Finally…

‘There had to be a less humiliating way to do this.'[/i’ I thought to myself as I recapped the plastic stick, setting it on the toilet lid before washing my hands.

“I’m done!” I hollered, not that he was far from earshot. He was right outside the door. “Were you listening to me pee?” I narrowed my eyes. He furrowed his brows, moving to join me.

“How long?” He questioned.

“3 minutes.” I breathed. He nodded, quickly wrapping his arms around me. I let my head rest on his chest, breathing shallowly. I needed this.

“Rhu. I love you.” Die whispered, “But no matter what happens…I want you to do what’s in your best interest.” His lips moved against my hair. I nodded, holding him tighter. Three minutes felt like an eternity to wait.