Shuffle

Saya and I left Tokyo nearly a week ago. Die wasn’t there when I left. It made my heart ache slightly, but at the same time it was probably for the best. It woke me up to how he truly felt about me. I wasn’t important enough to even bid farewell to. I focused on my school work, receiving praise from my professor for my dedication to class. In reality, it was the only thing keeping my head screwed on.

The guys had returned. In fact, they’d been home for several days. Saya was eager to welcome Toshiya back and even prepared his favorite dishes for him. I had silently hoped that maybe Die would show up, but he didn’t. No calls. No texts. Even Toshiya admitted that he was acting distant. I had to keep telling myself it was for the best. What was the point of beginning a relationship that was doomed to end? I was going back to Boston next week, and I wasn’t coming back. Die wasn’t about to follow me there. Why tangle both our hearts up in my mess?

Even so…I wanted to see him. I wanted him to hold me. I wanted to feel his lips on mine. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to see my phone screen light up with a message from him. Why did I feel this way?! It was times like these, I wish I still had my mother. She always knew what to say, no matter the circumstance.

“What should I do mom?” I wept silently, curled in a ball on my bed. I would give anything just to hear her voice.

“Rhu?” Saya’s voice interrupted my thoughts. “I’m headed out to meet Toshiya…do you need anything?” She questioned, peering into my room.

“N-no.” I stuttered, quickly attempting to hide my tears. Too late.

“Rhu, what’s wrong?” Saya questioned, rushing to my side. I shook my head, trying to think of an explanation.

“I-I’m just so confused.” I admitted, holding back sobs, “And I wish my mother was still around to talk to.” I cried, falling into her shoulder. She wrapped her arms around me tightly, running her fingers along my back.

“You know you can always talk to me.” She whispered.

“I don’t want to bore you.” I laughed to myself. I felt as though I was always seeking her advice.

“Die again?” She chuckled, but her face was turned in a frown. I nodded solemnly. “You know…I hate to admit it. But I think you were right all along.” She started, pulling away to look me in the eyes. I raised a brow, urging her to go on. “You’re in love!” She laughed, rolling her eyes. “You wouldn’t be this conflicted if you weren’t!”

I stared in silence. Was I? ‘You’re confusing lust with love.’ For weeks now that’s what I’d been telling myself. It’s what kept me believing I wasn’t in love with him. I knew it was the only way I could convince myself to return to Boston and forget Die. But despite all that, I’d fallen so deeply and madly in love with him.

“God dammit!” I cried, laughing to myself. I’d been so stupid.

“I know you didn’t want this to happen…it’s up to you if you want to tell him.” She sighed, arms on my shoulders. “I don’t like seeing you this way.” She fussed. I didn’t like it either. I wanted to be with him. I didn’t want to miss him any more than I already was.

“I’m going to call him.” I decided. Saya grinned wildly, patting my back.

“That’s my Rhu.” She nodded, returning to her feet. “I’ll be back late.” She winked before exiting the room. “Don’t have too much fun!” She shouted from downstairs. I smiled to myself, holding my phone. Die’s contact information was right in front of me. I sighed, hitting the green call button. My stomach twisted in knots as I listened to the dial tone.

It went straight to voicemail.

I frowned to myself. Maybe he didn’t want to talk to me after all.



I hopped in my car, turning the keys in the ignition as I checked myself out in the mirror. My eyeliner was a bit smudged, but I managed to fix it. I felt guilty about lying to Rhu. I wasn’t meeting Toshiya…tonight he was out with the guys. As usual.

Flipping the visor shut, I quickly left the driveway, heading to his house. It had been over a week since he’d confessed to me. I didn’t know how to respond at the time, but now, I knew what I needed to say. A week of silence gave me plenty of thinking time.

Before I knew it, I was at his door, fist knocking. My heart thrummed in my chest nervously. Was I making the right choice? Yes, I’d already decided this was for the best. My happiness came first. The door opened, his small frame greeting me.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you here.” He looked surprised, but grinned crookedly.

“Sorry, I should have texted you.” I frowned. We hadn’t talked much at all throughout the week. I hadn’t even seen him since he left the hospital.

“You’re always a pleasant surprise.” He teased, moving aside for me. I let myself in, kicking off my shoes.

“You look comfortable.” I smirked, referring to the flannel pajama bottoms he was wearing. He had a long sleeved thermal on as well, covering his scars.

“It’s cold out.” He chuckled, ushering me inside. “Hope you don’t mind hanging out in my room, but there’s a Star Wars marathon…” He murmured, plopping onto his bed, popcorn in hand. I shook my head, containing my laughter. Sometimes, he could be so predictable. “Make yourself at home.” He instructed. I shrugged, slipping beneath the heavy blankets. He was right-it was cold.

“Remember when we had snow days and would do this?” I smiled, helping myself to his popcorn.

“Yeah.” He grinned, “But we’d usually be naked by now.” He winked, my face flushing.

“Sorry I’ve been kind’ve M.I.A. recently.” I sighed, hugging my knees. “I’ve been thinking a lot.” I frowned. He turned his attention to me, setting his bowl of popcorn aside.

“Is everything okay?” He questioned.

“Yeah.” I smiled, “It’s just been tough to think about.”

“What I said to you?” His face fell in guilt, “Saya, don’t wor-“

“I love you too Kyo.” I interrupted with a smile, my eyes meeting his. He paused mid-sentence, mouth hanging open.

“W-what?” He stammered. I rolled my eyes, propping myself up on my knees to lean over him.

“I love you.” I repeated, wrapping my arms around his neck. His lips turned into a smile as his hands moved to my hips, pulling my body into his lap. His soft eyes met my own, and next, our lips.



I had been watching my phone for far too long, hoping to see his name light up on the screen. Stuffing my phone in my pocket, I headed downstairs. It was dark out already. I wasted my entire evening. I was slightly pissed off at myself. I moved to the kitchen, peeling a banana from the fruit tray and stuffing pieces in my mouth. There was a knock at the door. Did Saya forget her keys?

“Back so soon?” I questioned, expecting to see Saya on the other side of the door. Instead, I was greeted with a mop of messy red hair. His chest heaved rapidly, mouth hung open as if to say something. “…Die?” I breathed. Was I dreaming?

“Rhu…” He responded, standing in place. His eyes were glued on me, but it was as if his body didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do.

Die made the first move, closing the gap between us. He pulled my body to his, claiming my parted lips with a heated kiss. I could practically taste the desire on his tongue. His hands rested on my hips, pulling us together closely as I moved my lips along with his hungrily, hastily. His tongue caressed and danced with mine, his very touch ignited a flame in my body. I tangled my fingers into his hair, holding him closer until I was out of breath. His lips reluctantly released mine, his breath tickling my skin.

I opened my eyes, mind racing. I hadn’t seen or heard from him in days, and now he just shows up on my doorstep and kisses me? I furrowed my brows, suddenly irritated at his behavior.

“What the fuck?!” I yelled, smacking his chest. He stepped away, clutching it, eyes wide. “How can you just disappear for a week and then act like this! Like everything is normal?!” I screamed. “I haven’t heard from you…I thought you hated me!”

“I thought you hated me!” He retorted. “After what I said to you…why would you want to see my face again?!”

“What?! That you didn’t want to have sex with me?!”

“That’s not what I said! I didn’t want to take your virginity!!! I want to have sex with you!!! I want you so bad Rhu! I can’t control myself around you!” He hollered, taking my wrist firmly to pull me closer.

“Well then have sex with me!” I yelled, “Take my virginity! I don’t want it…I want you!” I screeched.
He was quiet for a moment, the two of us standing unmoving. Then in an instant, his lips were glued to mine again, our bodies colliding perfectly into the couch. His kisses were heated and frantic, and mine matched his same passion. He gripped my hips firmly, unwilling to let go knowing what it was we both wanted. His touch travelled to my chest, breath feathering over my neck and collar. My heart raced, beating hard with his.

“Take me to my bedroom.” I whispered, it was more of a demand. He eagerly complied, hoisting my body into his arms and practically racing upstairs. We fell into my cotton sheets, pillows falling to the floor. Our tongues began the battle for dominance as we fought to see who could remove the other’s clothing faster.

His breath falling on me raised goosebumps on my skin. His possessive, yet tender touch caused me to moan with desire. The way he tasted my lips left me craving more and more of him. We covered each other in tender kisses from head to toe, relishing in every moment. His fingers entwining with mine, our bodies rolling together, friction burning as our bare skin rubbed together-I was on fire.

“Daisuke.” I moaned as he drove me mad.

“Rhuby.” His low voice purred into my ear, fires igniting throughout my body. Our voices echoed throughout the room, bouncing off each other. A gentle breeze drifted in from the window, dancing across our bare bodies as he pushed inside of me. I gasped at the welcomed pressure, head spinning in delight. I couldn’t get enough of his touch, we could never be close enough.

Our bodies moved together, becoming tangled in a knotted mass of pleasure. Our breathing escalated, mixing with the soft breeze. Everything I experienced that night was something I would never regret nor top in my life. And I was glad to share the moment with the first man I’d ever loved.

Die breathed heavily beside me, his bare chest moving rapidly with mine. We hadn’t used protection, but it wasn’t like I had any available. I wasn’t concerned with that at the moment. He laced his fingers with mine, words hanging silently on both our lips. I longed to confess my feelings to him, but I feared his reaction. And what if he returned those feelings? I was leaving next week, never to return. Why hurt each other like that? He moved his gaze to meet mine, his free arm thrown loosely above him.

“I didn’t hurt you did I?” He whispered, taking note of the red blood specs on the sheets. I shook my head no.

“You made me feel amazing.” I breathed, smiling. He returned the gesture.

“I’ve never taken anyone’s virginity before.” He admitted, “In fact…I was afraid I’d hurt you. I didn’t want that.” He frowned. “Maybe that was selfish of me.”

“I’d feel the same way if I was in your shoes.” I chuckled with a shrug. “I’m glad it was you.” I added. He grinned in response, rolling on top of my bare body to shower me with kisses.

I love you. I wanted nothing more than to say that.

“Stay with me tonight?” I settled for, throwing my arms around his neck.

“Of course.” He smiled, resting his forehead on mine, our eyes falling shut together. We curled up beneath the thin blankets, falling asleep in each other’s arms.



I returned home after meeting with Kyo. My lips still tingled, recalling the sensation of his lips moving against mine. His kisses were so passionate and full of longing, as if he were conveying his every thought through them. I would have given up anything to stay with him for just one more night, but I knew Toshiya would be home soon. The lights were on throughout the house, and I noticed an unfamiliar pair of shoes by the door accompanying Rhu’s.

“I’m home!” I called out. No response. Flicking the lights out, I crawled upstairs. Slipping past Rhu’s door, I couldn’t help but smirk as I heard the familiar squeaking of bed springs accompanied by faint moans.

“Get it girl.” I chuckled to myself, under my breath. I moved to my bedroom, surprised to find Toshiya sitting in bed. He was reading the novel I’d just finished, dimly lit by a side table lamp.

“You’re home early.” I breathed. “I didn’t see your car…”

“I just got back. I parked along the street-Die’s car was in my spot.” He shrugged.

“You could have taken my spot.” I smiled, guilt tugging at my gut.

“It’s fine. So how is Kyo?” He added with a hint of sarcasm. My heart raced nervously.

“He’s good I guess. I hadn’t seen him since he’d been in the hospital.”

“I see.” He mused, putting the book down as I changed into pajamas. I crawled to his side, my heart still thrumming uneasily. He flicked off the light, turning to wrap his arms around my waist. I had my back to him.

“When are you going to start wearing your ring again?” He questioned, fingers entwining with mine, taking note of my empty ring finger. I sighed, closing my eyes.

‘Once you apologize.’ I thought to myself.

“I don’t know.” I answered curtly. I felt him exhale sharply against my neck, his lips resting on my bare shoulders.

“I’m sorry. I’ll have more time to spend with you now that tour is over.” He claimed. Empty promises, as usual.

“I’ll be looking forward to it…” I lied. “Good night.” I whispered, feigning sleep as his fingers skimmed my body. It was the wrong touch.