Shuffle

“Crap! I’m going to be late!” I stuttered, fumbling around Die’s home as I struggled to collect all my belongings for work. It was my final day student teaching, and I wasn’t about to stroll in ‘fashionably late.’

“You have plenty of time.” Die smiled, sipping hot tea as he handed me a lukewarm travel mug, as well as my keys.

“You’re a life saver.” I exhaled, smiling wide. He grinned crookedly, pecking me on the forehead before slapping my butt as I fled out the door.

“Go get ‘em tiger.” He playfully growled. I shot him a dirty look before pulling the door behind me, almost catching my laptop in it. I felt so scatter brained today. So much was going on. My class was throwing me a farewell party, and Saya and the rest of the gang were going to continue the celebration at her place tonight. They would find any reason to party.

But that wasn’t what was consuming my mind. My internship was over, which meant my stay in Japan would be ending shortly as well. I pushed the thought from my memory so many times, but I’d finally caught up with it. I had no choice but to face it. I know I needed to return home, but could I? I’d fallen madly in love-with Japan, with my friends, and with the most amazing man I would ever meet-Daisuke. How would I say goodbye? How would I convince myself to leave everyone? To leave him…

I pulled into my usual parking space, below a large cherry blossom tree. The flowers had all fallen from it, replaced by thick, green leaves. I glimpsed at myself in the mirror. My lips were turned in a frown, and my whole face held a sour expression. I shook my head, chestnut curls bouncing as I struggled to clear my mind. Now wasn’t the time for pessimism. I had a class to celebrate with! Cracking a smile, I hurried into the building.



“I’m not sure it’s a great idea for you to come by tonight…” I muttered into the receiver, the bathroom doorknob resting in my palm.

“Why not? I haven’t seen you in days. I miss you.” Kyo argued on the other line. I bit my lip in thought. I had spent several days alone, contemplating my decision to stay with Toshiya or Kyo. I had tossed the two options around so many times I felt like a professional juggler. But, I think I finally reached a conclusion.

Kyo’s irritated exhale reminded me that he was waiting for a response. Glancing out the doorway into the bedroom, I found that it was still empty. I tugged the door shut, settling onto the lip of the bathtub.

“Come later; past midnight.” I started, “Toshiya should be passed out by then. We can talk.” I whispered. There was silence on the other line. For a moment I thought the call had disconnected, but his grumbling let me know he was still there.

“Guess I’ll see you later.” He sounded disappointed.

“Better late than never.” I smiled. He sighed heavily. I ended the call and quickly erased my history before joining Toshiya to decorate our place for tonight.

Several hours passed before everyone arrived, hiding in the dark to surprise Rhu. I don’t know why we were ‘surprising’ the girl-she was already completely aware of the plan. Soon, she and Die came barreling into the room thoroughly enjoying everyone’s shrieks of delight. The party was quickly in full swing-bottles pouring, music blasting, and drunks laughing.

“Is Kyo coming?” Rhu questioned as we left the noisy room for some much needed girl talk.

“He may later.” I nodded, “He had plans, but promised he wouldn’t let you go without saying bye.” I added with a wink. Rhu smiled to herself, spinning the ice cubes in her glass of water.

“You guys are all so amazing.” She mused, “I’m still expecting to wake up and find out this was all a dream.” She chuckled to herself. I smirked, reaching over to pinch her arm.

“Ouch!” She squeaked, quickly pulling away.

“It doesn’t look like you’re sleeping!” I teased. She puckered her bottom lip, dropping onto my bed. I joined her, the bed springs giving way beneath us. We laid in silence for a bit, enjoying each other’s company.

“Did you tell Die?” I whispered, unsure where he was right now. She glanced at me, carrying a guilty expression on her face.

“I don’t think I will…” She murmured. “It’s best this way.” My lips twisted into a frown.

“I’d flip a coin.” I suggested. “Heads, you confess. Tails, you go home and forget about each other.”

“That seems so cold.” She complained.

“It’s just chance.” I shrugged. She rolled onto her side, digging 100 yen piece from her pocket.

“Heads, I tell him. Tales, I don’t.” She muttered to herself, closing her eyes before flipping it into the air. It landed with a small plop on the mattress in front of us.

“I can’t look!” She murmured, eyes shut tightly. I glanced at the copper colored object.

“Heads.” I smirked. She went wide eyed, attention on the coin to ensure I wasn’t lying.

“…Best two out of three?” She giggled. I rolled my eyes.

“So this is where you’ve been hiding!” Kyo’s familiar voice interrupted. My eyes darted up, surprised to see him. He was leaning in the doorframe, his lips twisted in a crooked smirk as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Kyo! I’m glad you made it!” Rhu exclaimed, sitting up to acknowledge the man.

“Wouldn’t miss it.” He grinned. “By the way, Die is downstairs crying like a lost puppy. You better go console him.” He teased. Rhu nodded, quickly rushing out of the room. It was only Kyo and me now.

“Toshiya’s passed out on the couch.” He murmured, pulling the door shut as he walked closer to me. I felt my heart racing the closer he moved.

“You’re not just saying that?” I stuttered. He smirked wildly, pushing me down onto the bed and crawling on top of me.

“Why would I lie?” He whispered into my ear, his lips caressing the appendage. My body shivered in delight. It took every ounce of strength I had to push him away.

“We need to talk.” I stated firmly, standing my ground.

“What about?” He scowled, eyes narrowing.



I wrapped my fingers around the banister, watching the party unfold below me. Toshiya was sprawled out on the couch, a beer bottle hanging loosely from his fingers. Die, Kaoru, and Shinya all sat around the kitchen table that was littered with empty cans. They chattered drunkenly, amusing eachother. I took the opportunity to disappear into my room, sitting at my desk. I pulled out cardstock, setting several in front of me.

Sighing, I began scribbling on each paper. This was the best way I could think to do this. Leaving my professor and students behind was hard enough. And the thought of Saya and Die seeing me off…I didn’t know how I could bring myself to leave Japan. In all honesty, if they were, there I couldn’t leave. I needed to return home, so, I made the decision to leave now-four days early.

I sat at my desk, scribbling notes to everyone-all of Dir en Grey, Saya, and especially Die. I’d spent the remainder of my time in Japan with him. I knew it was a mistake-it only made me grow fonder of him. And now I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye. Seeing his face, I knew one look would convince me to stay. I was in love with him. I wasn’t sure he felt the same way for me, but I understood that there was some sort of connection there.

I laid out all my feelings on paper, explaining why I’d lied to them. Why I couldn’t say goodbye. I loved them all. They’d become a second family.

The time I spent in Japan was the best month of my life. I never dreamed of watching one of my now favorite bands tour. I couldn’t even imagine meeting them and growing close to everyone. I could never find someone more like a sister and mother to me than Saya. I was so happy to have finally had the chance to meet one of my best friends after so many years.

And Daisuke…I never dreamed of falling so in love with someone. I knew I would never be treated like such a princess by any man in my life again. Meeting him was a once in a lifetime chance, and someone I would always regret leaving. He showed me what it was like to love someone. I hoped fate would someday bring us together. But for now, this was farewell.

Taking a deep breath, I collected all the notes before me, stuffing them in envelopes. I put them away in my drawer just as a familiar pair of arms gathered me from behind.

“I found you!” Die’s voice laughed, my body molding to his perfectly. “What are you doing hiding in the middle of your party?” He teased as I turned to face him.

“Waiting for you to come find me!” I joked with a smile. “And look, you did it!” I grinned.

“What do I get as a prize?” He had a devilish gleam to his eyes. I glanced sideways, noticing that my bedroom door was shut. A smirk worked its way onto my lips as my gaze fell on his.

“Am I not enough of a prize?” I whispered into his ear, taking him by the hands as I pulled him towards my bed. His amusement was obvious as I climbed on top on him, claiming his lips as my own. His fingers rested on my hips as we fell backwards into the sheets.



“You want to split up?” Kyo mouthed. He laid in bed at my side, arms folded behind his head. His gaze was fixed to the ceiling in thought, while mine was on him. I couldn’t read his expression. His face was flat, lost in contemplation.

“Yes…” I whispered with a frown, “I think it’s for the best. I’m getting married to Toshiya. I’m in love with him.” I explained again.

“But you love me too?” He questioned. I fell silent. That much was also true.

“…I love him more.” I muttered. Kyo was still. I wasn’t even sure if he was breathing. His face twisted in pain, brows furrowed as he considered what I’d just said. I kept my lips sealed, unsure what to say or what would be said next.

I heard a creak by the doorway and glanced toward it. A tall shadow passed by, but no one entered the room. I returned my attention to Kyo, noticing the change in his expression. His eyes were dark and piercing. He was angry. I wasn’t surprised. It was his best defense mechanism.

“So, things are just supposed to go back to the way they were?” He nearly growled. “I’m supposed to watch you ride off into the distance with that asshole who doesn’t even give you the time of day? And you expect me to be there with a slumber party and pillow fight every time he fucks you over?” He scoffed. “That’s complete bullshit!” He laughed, sitting up and glowering down at me.

“I want things to be as normal as they can be.” I whispered. “And you know he’s not always like that.” I added with a frown. I could hear his breathing grow ragged. I could practically feel the seething rage boiling off of him.

“I can’t do that again.” He shook his head, running his fingers through his hair in frustration. I sat up beside him, looking into his eyes. “If you’re going to be with him, then I don’t want to see you anymore.” He hissed.

“Kyo…” I started, resting my hand on his shoulder. He shrugged away, standing on his feet.

“Don’t-Don’t touch me…” He stared at the ground, avoiding my gaze. I held my hand to my chest, heart racing. “If I can’t be with you, I don’t want to even know you exist.” He snarled, backing away from me.

I moved to my feet, face falling.

“You’re-“ I started, but he interrupted me.

“Just…shut up! Don’t open your mouth!” His lips were twisted into a pained smile as he struggled to contain his emotions, “It’s selfish of you to want to keep me for yourself. I’m not your pet. I am a man who is in love with you. I want to be with you-forever.”

“It’s not going to be like that-“

“I can’t go back to that miserable fuck I was!” He hollered, shoving a fist into his chest. “I’d rather you be dead than see you with another man!”

I didn’t know what to say. Hearing his words broke my heart, but I knew what I wanted. And it was obvious what he wanted. I didn’t want him to become the man he was before. I didn’t want him hurting himself on stage because of his feelings. I didn’t want to go to him with my problems. I wanted him to move on and find love as I had. I let my eyes fall shut, holding tears inside them.
When I opened them again, he was gone. And I knew, that was the last time I’d see Kyo.



Beep. Beep. Beep.

My alarm droned, dragging me from my deep sleep. I quickly dismissed it as Die squirmed behind me, his arms wrapped around my torso.

“Sorry, I still had my alarm set for class.” I lied, slinking out of his arms.

“What time is it?” He muttered groggily.

“6:00AM.” I answered as he closed his eyes tightly. “Go back to sleep. I’m just going to the bathroom…I’ll be back.” I forced a smile, running my fingers over his forehead. He smiled dreamily, and quickly fell back into a slumber.

“Sleep well. I love you.” I whispered against his lips before ducking out the door.

I left the notes on the kitchen counter, wiping the tears from my face as I left Saya and Toshiya’s home. Every mile closer to the airport my sobbing grew worse. I was a mess.
Boarding the plane, I continued to ponder if this was the right thing to do. But I needed to go home. My flight took off, Kyoto falling below me. Tears streamed down my face as I waved goodbye to the family and love I was leaving behind.