Simple Affair

The week rolls by with plenty of conversation from my passionate southern man, and before I know it the weekend is here, and Josh is gone to work for a nine-hour shift. The current state of affairs that Josh and I are in just sucks. I need him here with me, but I can’t just ask for it because it irritates him. Josh is trying so hard to help us get ahead. It has been an expensive year with the IUI attempt and the repairs to our home. These long hours are pulling us apart and secretly I wonder if Josh is angry with me for spending my extra time writing novels instead of taking a second, steadily paying part-time job like him.
I am alone at home today, but it won’t be for long. Suddenly, my phone lights up with a message from Devon. “Good morning, I hope you have an awesome day!” My sweet and thoughtful man. I can feel how much he cares about me, just as I am always thinking about him.
“Hey, good morning right back at you!” The conversations we’ve had this week have been intense and passionate. We both feel the pull, even though we haven’t acted on it. We’re slowly distancing ourselves from our loved ones. I should try to scare him off, to create some distance from this situation that’s becoming harder and harder to resist.
Devon sends another message, “Hey, I’ve been thinking a lot about meeting you and there are some things I want to discuss.”
“Sure, go ahead,” I reply, feeling a mix of excitement and nervousness.
“If we meet, I don’t want to use condoms. I don’t like them, and I want you to be able to feel me.”
I take a deep breath, unsure if he realizes the impact of his words on me. It’s clear that he’s carefully considering this. “I haven’t used condoms in years, so it would be strange to start using them now,” I respond.
“Good, I really want to feel you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. It’s not just about the sex; I’m drawn to you in a way I’ve never experienced in my entire life.” There’s a pause, and I struggle to find the right words to respond. But before I can, he sends another message. “You know I enjoy going down on a woman. Would you like that?”
Finally, I gather my thoughts and reply, “I would.” As I say those words, my heart skips a beat, realizing that this encounter might actually happen. But I need him to know something, something that might change his perception of me. Maybe it will even scare him off. So, I take a deep breath and say it.
“Devon, there’s something you need to know, and it may change the way you think of me.”
“Try me,” he replies, as if he’s daring me. He has no idea what’s coming.
I take a moment to gather my thoughts, realizing that I need to be honest with Devon. I can’t keep hiding behind my fears and uncertainties. So, I muster up the courage and reply, "Devon, um, well, I need to let you know that I can be a bit sensitive and sometimes it can be uncomfortable if you go too deep.” There, I finally said it. It's not exactly what I wanted to say, but it’s a step in the right direction.
As I hit send, a wave of relief washes over me, but also a pang of guilt. I wish I had the courage to tell him about the attempts to conceive, about the commitment I have in my marriage, but I chicken out. Maybe this piece of information will make the decision for me and scare him off. It sounds foolish, but it’s my subconscious hope.
To my surprise, Devon responds immediately, alleviating some of my guilt. “That doesn’t bother me in the least, Jordan. I want you, and I understand. I would start off slow for you, so you can get used to me.” I read his words, and it’s clear that he’s not turned off or deterred in the slightest. It’s as if he has blinders on, fully focused on the possibility of being together. It’s both exciting and terrifying at the same time.
There is that maturity of him. To be honest, I’m not used to it. I fell for him that much more and am now wet at the thought. After our conversation, I have to calm myself down, and without Josh to turn to I need to take matters into my own hands.