Simple Affair

It is the start of another new week at the office and reality is sneaking up on me. My next IUI treatment will be happening soon. I am not sure how I feel about it? Well, that’s a lie. I will tell you exactly how I feel.

I feel confused now that Devon has popped into my life. I wonder if I can handle the possibility of heartache of it not working for a second time. July had been a hard month, a major disappointment. I want a baby but I don’t want it this way with the medical coldness of it all. It’s too late to go back, this round is paid for and things are now set in motion. If I walked away, I would be wasting over a thousand dollars because there are no refunds.

I want to talk to someone about what is on my mind, but I can’t talk to Josh, really I can’t, how would I start that conversation? “Honey, I don’t want to go through with this anymore because I am second guessing everything.” When he starts questioning me, would he be able to see through my lies and see that there was someone else in the picture? I can’t do that. I can’t even talk to any of my girlfriends about this. I could only imagine the conversation, with me starting it off, “Hey, I don’t think I want to have this baby anymore because I met this forty two year old man online and want to fuck his brains out and I am seriously questioning whether I should stay married to Josh…” That would go just great.

Maybe one of my girlfriends would stand by me, right now Devon is still a secret, I haven’t told a soul and I don’t think that I ever will because the moment I tell, I know that it will raise worry in me on whether that friend would be able to keep her mouth shut. It’s funny how things happen in hindsight.

Back in July, after I had found out that my first IUI attempt didn’t work, in two separate conversations a family member and a friend told me that I should just try and find a stranger that would sleep with me, and then never talk to them again. I just can’t believe this universe because right after everything failed, was when Devon walked into my life. It’s too messed up, maybe this was meant to happen, I think I am starting to go crazy and with that thought my stomach starts to turn as I sit here at my desk ignoring the email requests coming in and wondering about nothing instead. Then my phone lights up with a message from Devon.

“Hey, just got into work, how is your day so far?”

“Oh hey Devon, it’s going good.” Do I tell him? Should I keep this a secret, the fertility treatment? We have been talking for over a month now, I consider him a close friend even though we have never met. He is so far removed from my friends, family and where my life is. Would it hurt if I just unloaded this on him? No, I don’t think so…I am going to explode with stress if I keep this bottled up.
I send another message, “Actually, I am starting to freak out a little.”

Devon responds, “What’s wrong Jordan.” This will surely send him packing.

“I haven’t told you everything about me. You have seen into my life, has the thought ever crossed your mind, seeing that I have been married for almost seven years that I don’t have children?” I pose the question, hoping that he is gentle with his response; this is still raw for me.

Devon answers, “It has and I did wonder but didn’t want to ask. I knew that in time you would tell me. It’s okay if you don’t, I would understand and respect your wishes to keep it secret.”

My fingers type as fast as they can and I follow up, “It is okay Devon, and I want to share this. I am healthy, but my husband isn’t and long story short he will never father a child. This past July I went in for fertility treatment and it didn’t work, my donor is actually from the United States. Anyway, it’s been a really hard summer and now that I have had a bit of a break and regained my footing, I am going in again for a second try this fall."

Devon answers, “I hope and pray that it works this time for you. Every woman deserves the chance to become a mother.” His response brings some comfort. I don’t regret opening up to him about this, his response makes me fall silent. He is mindful and respectful in this extremely sensitive topic.
I follow up, “It’s just so hard, taking something as intimate as love making to create a child and the reality of it is you go to the doctor’s office, lie on a table and they put it inside. It’s not fun, I just wish I had the chance to do it naturally; it would have been so much easier. To be honest, I don’t think it will work this time either. I was stressed the last time and now this time, after knowing what it is, I just have a bad feeling that it won’t work again.”

“Jordan, I know that our relationship has been really hot and heavy. I have a connection with you that I have not had with any other. If you need me on this level, I am here for you, please, I want you to know that I am not going anywhere.”

“Devon, this is so messed up, but after it didn’t work friends and family even suggested that I sleep with a stranger to make it work.” I still can’t even believe the words I type to him, it sends a chill up my spine that these people in my life have even suggested it and in the back of my mind, I wonder if I have a better chance that way, just to slut myself out.

He says, “That is a choice that only you could ever make. Sometimes you have to do things that are different.”

I ask, “Have you ever donated?”

“No, I never even thought about it.”

I am just going to speak what is on my mind, besides I have told him everything else, “Devon, if I knew that you were my donor, I think that the thought would ease the reality of this situation. The fact that my donor is a complete stranger bares some weight on this.”

“Jordan, you know that I would if I could, I would send it to you, but I don’t think it would survive the trip, I would personally deliver it to you if you catch my drift.”

I smile as I read it, as weird as this conversation is and answer, “I would take it in a heartbeat, and if it ever came to me taking your gift and if it worked I would take care of the child. I would never bring you into the mix, like involving you in the upbringing or support. I am financially secure.”

He answers, “If we did do this and it worked and you were with child, would you stop talking to me?"
“No, of course not, what I meant is I know you were in a strange situation before this and I don't want to give the impression that I was some sort of gold digger that was trying to get knocked up. You see that all too often with celebrities now of days. I just wouldn't want you to feel like you had in the past with the mother of your boy."

Devon answers within a moment, "I can understand that. I just wouldn't want you to stop talking to me. Like, I get, if this works things will change and you will have less time, I just wouldn't want to lose what we have." Where did this guy come from? I have never felt so much love from a stranger. I know it's just words, these are all just words but it's now more than that and I am just sinking deeper into this world that we have created between ourselves. Sometimes, I ask myself if he is just going along with all of the stuff I deal to him just to keep me as a friend, but then I would have to think not. I know him well enough to know that he is an honorable man and that he wouldn’t sink that low. I believe him.

I answer, "I will always be your friend and I want to see where this goes with us. You know it's crazy but we have never really seen each other in real life and somehow just with us talking, I am drawn to you."

Devon changes the pace, "What do you sound like? Do you have a northern accent?"
What in the world is a northern accent? I answer and my head tilts to the side in confusion to his question, "What are you talking about, I don't have an accent, and by the way, I went down your Facebook timeline earlier and found a video of you. You sound more from the south than from Rochester."

"Laughing over here, really? Do you like the sound of my voice?"

"Yes you are my cowboy, you have a sexy voice!"

Devon answers, "I'm blushing, thank you. We should talk or do FaceTime or something."

"Sure, but I'm not sure what we could use that would be discreet. I think with FaceTime you have to dial a telephone number and if we did that my husband would see. He would be suspicious with viewing the bill, seeing all the local calls and then a random number from Austin, Texas."

Devon replies, "I hear you. I will have to look into it, we will find a way."

I smile at the thought of being able to see him and feel that much closer to my southern man, "I can't wait. It will be like meeting you for the first time all over again."

"Yes, I know."

I ask him, "If we do video chat would you like a tour of my home?"

"I would be honored! I can't wait to see you live and not just in a photo." He replies.

"What if we get on video chat and you see that I am actually some grandma, then what?" I smirk with the text I just sent.

"Should I be worried, I think you have been honest with me. I have seen into your world with Facebook and am confident that you are who you say that you are."

He is not stupid and with Facebook how could someone lie that much especially when I have a profile that has my network of friends and family, "Yah I'm honest, I'm not a grandma."

"Didn't think so" He answers.

Our fast forming friendship doesn't scare me in the least. It is hard to describe but it feels like Devon and I had known each other in a past life. We click so well, the friendship is there as well as the mutual attraction and chemistry.

Devon continues, "My spouse will be leaving town next Friday we can arrange to chat or video after then. I will need to do some research; the last thing that I want is for you to get into trouble."

"Okay sounds like a plan and I can't wait. So um, I guess I will drop off for now and get some work done, talk to you later?" I ask.

"You bet!"

"Okay bye" He feels like my partner and I add the hugs and kisses to see what he does with it.
"Hugs and kisses right back at you!" I chuckle to myself, wow. I smile, he is so cute and I gather that he always seems to like to have the last word, a typical male trait. It's still pretty cute. Ah man I just wish he was mine. At least here I have him as a friend that I can write to and he answers me almost right away.

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