Falling Stars

“Well, looks like this session is up. Do you think you’re going to want to come back?” Samuel asked me. I shook my head. All he ended up doing was asking questions that made me feel bad about myself.

“No offence or anything, but as usual, all this session did was make me feel worse just so I could be calmed down. The only plus side was that I got to leave that stupid support group.” I answered. Then I sighed. “But I don’t really have a choice. My brother’s gonna want me to come here.” I said. He nodded his head.

“Well, with all patients under the age of 21 who are still under care, I have to let your guardian know how the session went.” He started. My eyes went wide.

“No! You said it was confidential.” I argued. He nodded his head.

“Correct. I’m not going to tell him what was spoken, just how it was handled. I will have to tell him about the chair throwing, but I will explain that you were under extreme pressure. That’s all.” He said. I calmed down a bit and nodded my head.

“He’s gonna think I’m a freak for throwing the chair.” I said. He shook his head.

“I highly doubt it. Besides, he took you in after knowing you for what, a minute? He must really care about you. You ready to go?” He asked. I nodded my head. I got up, grabbed my backpack and left the room. He followed me to Rian’s car. Rian was waiting outside. He smiled and waved at me, and when Samuel arrived, they shook hands. I sat in the passenger seat and closed the door. I didn’t really want to hear Samuel talk about how I had massive problems and I didn’t want to see Rian looking sympathetically at me. Once they finished talking, Rian got in the car and turned to face me. He just looked sad.

“I wish I knew how to make you feel better.” Rian said. I just shrugged my shoulders.

“There’s not much to do. By the way, we need to go to the shops. I have to pick up something.” I said.

“What?” He asked curiously.

“Just something.” I said. I didn’t want to tell him I had to pick up more bandages, so he just sighed and nodded his head. Once I bought them, I hid them in my backpack. I then walked back to the car and we went straight back to the apartment. Everyone was still there, but I didn’t hesitate to walk straight to my room to find somewhere to hide my bandages. There must at least be a loose floorboard? Knowing my luck, of course there wasn’t. I just had to make do with hiding it under my mattress. I sighed, hoping that was going to be good enough until I go on tour. Then I’d have to find a better place to hide stuff. I strolled back into the living room and sat down next to Lisa and Cassadee.

“Hey honey. How was it?” Lisa asked. I shook my head.

“They just bought back stupid memories I wish I never had.” I mumbled.

“Like what, sweetie?” Cass asked.

“Actually, I think it’s best we don’t question Raz. If she ever wants to tell us, it should be on her own time.” Rian mentioned. Clearly Samuel said some of that crap to him. It’s stupid. They think they’d be pushing me but they’re wrong. I don’t want to tell a living soul about what I went through. Never again.

I sighed knowing that everyone would be treading on eggshells around me for the entire foreseeable future. I started fiddling with my thumbs and looking at them. Earlier on in the session, Samuel asked me if I had named the baby. I told him that I didn’t. He said it could help me to name the baby and give it a memorial. I liked that idea, but I thought that it would be extremely difficult. I knew nothing about my child. Not even whether it was a boy or girl. Perhaps a unisex name would be best?

“Hey, you excited to come on tour with us?” Jack asked. I nodded my head.

“Yeah. It sounds fun.” I answered.

“Plus, you get to be in the same bus as us, and that means extra fun.” He said, making me smile. In all honesty, I’m glad they picked for me to go in the same bus as the boys. It’ll be more fun than sharing my feelings.

“When are you guys going back on tour?” I asked. Jack checked his watch.

“Well, everyone here apart from the girls and Rian will be going in about 5 hours. We’re getting someone to fill in for Rian for the next month. Then you guys will be joining us.” He answered. I nodded my head and looked down.

“Hey. What’s the matter?” He asked. I shook my head, got up, and made my way to my room. I could feel everyone looking at me as I left, but I didn’t care. I was just sad that something so good would be taken from me so soon. That’s all that ever happens to me lately. And all I would be left with is some stupid support group that makes me feel worse every single time I go. Besides, it’s Rian’s band. I know how much he loves playing. Every single time he goes on stage his eyes light up. I see it when I watch videos online. How could I take him away from that? I closed my door and locked it.

As soon as I saw the mirror I got so unbelievably angry. I growled and punched the pillow. I still didn’t want to do anything that would get them questioning me. I just turned the mirror around so I couldn’t see my reflection. They let me unwind for about 10 minutes before Rian knocked on my door. I groaned.

“Raz just let me in. It’s only me, I swear.” He said.

“Please, can I just be on my own for a while?” I asked as politely as I could, but I was still extremely upset.

“I just wanna make sure you’re okay.” He said desperately. I shook my head even though I knew he couldn’t see.

“I’m fine.” I lied.

“Come on, Raz. I know you’re lying. I’m not mad, I just wanna talk.” He said.

“No. You want me to talk. But I have nothing to say.” I said. I heard a slight knock on the door. It must be Rian hitting his head against it. I sighed, got up and unlocked the door. He looked at me and smiled gently. I walked back into the room and sat on the bed. Rian sat next to me.

“If I knew what immense pain you were in while you were living with your adoptive parents, I would’ve begged and begged mum and dad to do whatever it took to get you back until my knees bled and my voice went away.” He said. I shook my head.

“You had no way of knowing. Besides, mum and dad didn’t want me. That much is obvious.” I said.

“How do you know? Maybe their story’s a bit different?” Rian said. I shook my head.

“After I found out I was adopted, my mum said that she and our mum chatted for a bit. Just so she could know I was going to a good home. Well, apparently the reason I was given up was because our mum and dad didn’t want anything that reminded them of each other apart from the child she already had a bond with.” I said. Rian looked like he was ready to kill someone. I just rolled my eyes.

“How could they even think that?” He asked. I just shrugged.

“Who cares? They were kind of right to get rid of me. I turned into a mess. They got out at just the right time.” I answered.

“Don’t say that. Ever.” He told me.

“Why not? It’s true. And you don’t know me well enough to make any kind of judgement on me.” I said calmly.

“I knew you well enough to know that you’re a good person. And you are. You just haven’t realised it yet.” Rian said.

“Listen, you should go on tour.” I said, ignoring what he said. He creased his eyebrows.

“Don’t you want me here with you?” He asked. I shook my head.

“That’s not what I mean. What I meant was that you were already on tour before I barged in on your life. I don’t want to make any fans angry or have them ask questions. I already did that by coming here yesterday. You had to completely cancel two shows that people were dying to go to. Including you. It’s obvious how much you love doing what you do. I don’t want to get in the way of that.” I said while pacing around my room a bit.

“But then what would I do with you?” He asked.

“I don’t know. Listen, I don’t mean this in a rude way, but I’ve lived without you for 18 years. I could either manage or go with you.” I answered.

“Didn’t you find the support group helpful at all?” He asked. I shook my head.

“No. And I knew I wouldn’t.” I told him.

“Well how about this; you go to one more support group with Samuel, and after that, if you still don’t like it, we both go by the end of the week?” He suggested. I nodded my head.

“Deal. Oh, one more thing.” I said. He looked at me and nodded his head.

“Yeah?” He asked.

“Can I use your computer?” I asked. He nodded his head.

“Sure.” He answered before leaving the room. This is gonna be one long week just for a support group session.