Last to Know

“Nope it never happened, I can promise you that” Brian sipped his beer sitting across from me in the recliner. We had been talking about rumors and old tour stories, it was actually quite nice to get to relax and just talk without the topic of dating coming up.
“Oh come on it had to of happened at least once, Zack's admitted it to me before” I smirked and watched Brian nearly choke on his beer.
“There's no way he jacked off while we all slept in the same bed, one of us would've noticed” Brian narrowed his eyes and scooted closer to the edge of his seat.
“He did, it was when we couldn't sleep in the van because it was too cold” I finished off my third beer and relaxed into the plush cushions of the couch.
“Damn, he was sneaky as hell when he did that then” He smiled softly and set down the bottle, he seemed distracted.
“What do you need to tell me? I heard you talking to Michelle the night I ran into Val and it's been eating me alive” Brian's eyes widened before he looked down at his hands blushing. Did he know about Val?
“Me and Michelle aren't together anymore, I developed feelings for someone else and she wanted me to tell you so you wouldn't be alarmed that we broke up” His words seemed panicked and rushed, there was more to this story than he was telling me.
“I'm sorry, I know you two really care about each other” I stood up and grabbed the empty beer bottles off the table, I knew Brian would tell me the rest of the truth when he was ready.

He nodded slightly and fidgeted with his hands, I had always noticed he tended to do that when he was really nervous. Or when he was paranoid about something that was already going on that he hadn't told anyone about. Maybe it had to do with the breakup between him and Michelle, things between them had seemed to be really good. I wouldn't push the issue any further for him, it was probably already eating him up inside anyhow.

“I was going to order some food, do you want anything?” I held up the small pamphlet to a small pizza diner that wasn't too far, I was going to need someone to help me learn how to cook.
“Sure, get me the cheesy breadsticks” Brian yelled out as he turned on the TV. Of course.

I ordered the food and gave my address, it was always risky since anyone could just give it out and people could find me with ease. Except there was no way I could get behind the wheel of a car and not get pulled over, I was definitely not sober enough for it.

“Food should be here in about half an hour” I plopped down on the couch and focused on what Brian was watching. It was some crappy romance film, something that Val would've forced me to watch if she was still here.
“Really? The Notebook?” I looked at Brian with an eyebrow raised, he was becoming soft.
“I've watched it with Michelle before, it's not bad if you look passed all the mushy crap” He glanced over at me and set his eyes back on the television before I could make a comment. Something was definitely up with him, and I was going to find out.
“So who'd you develop feelings for?” I could see him stop breathing from the corner of my eye, I had to get it out of him somehow.
“It's a long story, kind of embarrassing too” He mumbled and finished off his beer keeping his eyes focused on the actors on the screen.
“It can't be that bad, just tell me” I turned to face him and watched his face closely.
“It's a guy” His words caught me off guard, I didn't know Brian swung that way.
“Well I'm sure whoever it is feels the same way about you” I shrugged slightly but furrowed my brows as Brian began to laugh hysterically. What was so funny?
“Oh I know he doesn't, he's made that very clear” He shook his head and wiped his eyes, a smile still firmly planted across his face.
“I'm sorry” I suddenly felt terrible for even asking, I wasn't going to bother asking who the person was now.
“Don't be, it wasn't your fault” He frowned suddenly and propped his feet up on the coffee table. Normally I'd tell him to move his feet if it weren't for the fact that he looked utterly heartbroken.

We sat there quietly watching the movie, I would've done anything to break the awkward tension that was now between us. Hell I would've kicked the guys ass that hurt him, if only I had known who the person was exactly anyway. I was sure he hadn't told anyone else since I was the first person to know about the breakup between the two of them. I started to think of how Brian had been acting the past few months, he was always checking up on me. Whether it be because of the breakup or because I had gotten stone cold drunk the night before I wasn't sure. That's when I had noticed how close we had become, we weren't just friends and bandmates anymore, no we were more than that. I was the person he had feelings for, the person who was hurting him.

“Jesus Christ” I stood up so quickly I was afraid I'd get whiplash as I stormed out of the house through the back door, I could hear Brian yelling my name confused.

How could I have been so blind? It was all right in front of me and I was too stupid and selfish to realize what he had meant all along. Michelle most likely hated me for taking the person she loved most, even if Brian and I weren't together. I stopped and dropped to my knees onto the sand, the water merely inches away from soaking my pants. I felt like such a terrible friend, there was no way I could apologize to him without sounding like a complete tool.

“Matt!” Brian was closer now, maybe twenty feet from where I was.
“I'm sorry Brian, I really am” I turned back to look at him and frowned, he was bent over with his hands resting on his knees while he tried to catch his breath. I forgot that Brian was a smoker.
“You're an asshole for making me run like that, why'd you even run away anyhow?” Brian's eyes were now trained on me, how was I going to admit this to him?
“Because I'm a piece of shit Brian, that's why” I scooted back so I wasn't kneeling on the sand and was instead sitting on it.
“Why do you say that?” Brian asked as he sat down in the sand next to me.
“I didn't realize you were talking about me before, and I feel terrible for making you feel like that” I glanced over at him and looked back at the ocean in front of us.
“Don't, it's not your fault that I developed the feelings in the first place” Brian shrugged and relaxed into his position. The thought of my best friend, my best male friend having feelings was kind of off putting.

He knew I was straight and didn't swing that way at all, I could just hope that he didn't try to pull anything that would cause tension between us. Hell he and Zack had shared a drunken kiss when we were younger and I had always thought Brian did it because he was hammered. Who knew he liked both.

“It's just weird Brian, we've known each other for years and now you're telling me that you suddenly have feelings? It's not normal” I hadn't meant what I said to come off as harsh as it had.

Brian gasped softly and turned to look at me. His expression one of anger instead of shock.

“Not normal? Oh yes Matt, I asked to fucking develop feelings for my best friend from the day we met, you caught me” He stood up and began to brush the sand off his jeans.
“Brian you can't deny that I'm right, it's unnatural” I stood up as well and brushed the jeans off the back of my pants, ignoring the glare that Brian was currently trying to burn into the side of my head.
“You fucking asshole, if I had known that telling you the truth would of lead to this I would've kept my mouth shut and kept my distance” Brian spoke through clenched teeth, tears had begun to stream down his cheeks slowly.
“You knew I would never feel the same Brian, I don't understand why you had told me in the first place” I roughly pushed past him and headed back to my home. He was going to try and fuck with my head since I was vulnerable, that's just how Brian was.
“You fucking guessed! I never said a goddamn word!” Brian ran over and tackled me to the sand, straddling over my back as he pinned me to the ground. He was dead now.
“Get the fuck off me you faggot!” I kicked and squirmed to try and get Brian off, he just put more pressure so I was unable to move at all.
“I was just going to warn you of one thing Matt, I fucking quit” Brian stood up off of me and walked away, was he serious?!
“You can't just quit!” I yelled after him, he just ignored me and continued to walk to his car that was currently parked in my driveway. I needed to get a hold of Zack and talk to him.

I ran inside and grabbed my cellphone that was sitting on the edge of the coffee table and dialed Zack's number, I could only hope that he and Meaghan weren't busy.

“Don't you even fucking start, Brian already called and I am not getting involved in this shit show” Zack spoke so angrily that I winced, I hadn't realized Brian would call him so soon.
“Zack please, he quit the band” I couldn't keep the shakiness out of my voice. No one could ever replace Brian, and there was no way I could ask Zack to try and play solo's like Brian did.
“I don't blame him, I heard what you said to him, he didn't do shit to you Matt and you go and fuck him over worse than he's ever had it” Zack spat back into the phone, his tone more acidic than before.
“Oh come on! How the hell else was I supposed to react? Oh that's great Brian I totally feel the same way!” I growled angrily, he needed to actually listen to me.
“You broke his heart Matt, Michelle and him broke up on good terms and he wasn't going to pull anything and yet you make him feel more worthless than he deserved, is this your way of tearing everyone else down because Val cheated on you?” I bit my lip roughly and sat down on the couch. I hadn't meant to do that to Brian.
“You know that's complete bullshit Zack, he knows we would never be together, so why did he feel the need to tell me?” I asked softly, I needed answers that I was most likely never going to get.
“Because he didn't want to tip toe around you like a scared child, except he didn't expect you to act like a complete homophobic douche” Zack's words were like a knife to the gut. I was not that person. I opened my mouth only to be cut off by Zack.
“I gotta go, he's coming over so we can talk, and so help me god if I see you around here while he's at my house I will call the cops Matt” Zack hung up before I could get another word in.

I set the phone back down and rubbed my face. Were Zack's words true? Was I really homophobic? I thought back to what I said to Brian on the beach and the reality struck harder than Zack's words ever would. I snapped on my best friend because he had tried to be honest with me, I refused to listen to him and instead fucked up immensely. I needed to apologize to Brian, but I knew that if I even step foot a hundred yards from his house he'd have me arrested. I could just hope that he talked Brian out of quitting the band, we couldn't lose him. Hell I couldn't lose him.

I sat back against the cushions of the couch and started to try and see things from Brian's point of view, see why he had developed feelings for me in the first place. He was a real genuine guy that cared about the people closest to him whether or not they treated him the same way. He'd pick you up if you fell and put you right back on your path without missing a beat. He'd give the shirt off his back if it was all he could give. He'd get in super cuddly moods at the most random times and just cuddle you for hours. He was the only one who really consoled us all after Jimmy passed, even though we all knew Brian was the one hurting the most. He was every girl's dream man but yet he wanted me. He wanted the guy that struggled to move on from their ex, that got black out drunk because they ran into her. I couldn't even stop myself from breaking a mirror because I hated how I looked in it.

He deserved someone better, someone that wouldn't hurt him like I would, someone that would be there when he needed them most. He deserved someone that wasn't me. How could I have been so blind about the feelings I had? I had always found Brian to be a very attractive man and he knew that, but I never said anything besides that. Zack would tease us all the time that we would be the perfect couple aside from the girls we were with. Hell I had thought of the possibility before I forced the thought to disgust me and I refused to think about it again. We shared beds, we had even shared a shower once just so we could get clean and get back on the road to make it to the next show without being late. Those thoughts would creep into my head when we would be on tour for long periods of time, I never let it get too far before I drowned the thoughts out of my mind.

I needed to call Brian and apologize, explain to him why we would never be able to work out. I grabbed my phone and took a nervous breath, I just had to hope he would understand. As I typed the message I couldn't help but feel my hands tremble terribly, my nerves were on edge as my thumb hovered over the send button. I closed my eyes as I hit the button and set my phone back down, debating whether or not I should just go to bed and check my phone in the morning when things would be less tense. Hopefully. Turning the phone onto silent mode I stalked down to my bedroom, the mirror still in pieces. My life was becoming a mess before my eyes and I had no way to fix it anymore. I stripped down to my boxers and climbed into the bed, pulling the comforter up to my neck as I did. Now all I had to hope was that Zack wouldn't read the text I had sent to Brian, he'd hate me even more.

The sun shining in through the window was what woke me the next morning, it felt too early for me to be awake as I pulled the comforter over my head and groaned.

“About time you woke up” Zack's voice at the end of my bed caused my to jump and nearly fall out of my bed.
“How the hell did you get inside?” My head was still too groggy to make sense of anything, I probably wouldn't be able to understand much of what he said.
“Your door was unlocked but that's besides the point, Brian showed me the text you sent. Do you really feel that way or was it because you felt like an asshole?” Zack raised his eyebrow and kept his gaze on me.
“I feel that way, I got to thinking after he left last night and I know he deserves someone better that won't treat him like shit” I sat up and rubbed my face slowly. I had meant every word in that text.
“You know he wouldn't date anyone else, he'd rather be single than use someone he didn't have feelings for” Zack scoffed and shook his head.
“I can't do this right now Zack, it's too early” I yawned slightly and stretched my arms out tiredly.
“Well too bad” Zack mumbled, grimacing slightly.
“Why?” I stood up slowly making sure I wouldn't fall over.
“Because Brian's downstairs right now”

Shit.