Don't Forget to Be the Way You Are
Thirteen
Amelie was already awake when Brian finally woke from their afternoon nap together. He silently watched her silhouette for a moment as she stood by the window looking out at the street below, the sunlight fading fast. He wondered why she hadn’t turned the lamp on until he heard her sigh, the glow from her phone lighting her face up just briefly as she checked for messages. He figured it was something to do with Derek. He recalled her having mentioned him before they fell into slumber earlier.
Brian got himself up then and made his way over to her, his gentle touch to her shoulder making her jump in surprise, not having heard him approach.
“What’s the matter?” he asked, because he felt someone ought to, but received no reply. He could see now that he was closer to her the stains her tears had left on her cheeks, and the rawness of her eyes. He watched as she furrowed her eyebrows, if only slightly, as if she were deep in thought about something. But she was looking right at him. He lifted his hands to wipe her tears away with his thumbs, cupping her face for just a moment too long as she brought one of her own hands up to tuck a lock of hair behind his ear. Brian tried to ignore the heavy thud of his heart against his ribcage and reminded himself that she was technically a married woman, and he was her friend. Just a friend. He let his hands drop back to his sides ever so limply as he supressed the urge to kiss her, though it hadn’t been an easy choice to make as she continued to stand so close to him, staring right back into his eyes as she stroked the side of his face.
“I have to go, Brian. It’s getting late.” And in but a moment, the trance had been broken. Amelie was putting on her shoes and Brian had turned on the light for her to see. The real world was prominent once more, and Brian felt so stupidly selfish for the situation he’d almost put them both in. The last thing she needed in her life right now were further… complications. That’s all he’d be to her; a problem; an inconvenience. She’d have brushed it off as being a simple misunderstanding, a straying of the heart, a lapse in his better judgement, and he’d blush as she’d gently push him away, then laugh, because laughter hid a broken heart all too well.
“Thanks for the nap.” He watched as she put her jacket on and grabbed for her bag, pausing as she reached the door before returning to where Brian stood staring to envelope him in a hug. He returned it of course, resting his head on her shoulder as she ran her fingers gently through the tips of his hair.
“I’m glad we’ve found this place again,” she commented as she pulled away from him. “It’s just like old times.”
“Yeah…” Brian agreed, his voice softly trailing off at the end. He watched her walk out the door.
Brian stood around for a moment as he processed everything that had happened, and tried to gather his thoughts on it all. Nothing had gone as he’d originally planned. It wasn’t supposed to be like old times. He wasn’t sure he could go through that again with her. He was too gentle of heart; too easy to crumble. He could already feel as she took a piece of him with her when she left.
Just like old times.
It had taken him years to get that piece back. He’d suffered through several failed relationships and broken many hearts before he realised he was still missing that piece that Amelie had taken with her to America. He didn’t talk about it. He didn’t like to think about it. Eventually the pain that came from his missing piece dulled as Brian thought about her only every other day, then every other week, and then only when he was alone in a hotel room somewhere in America on a tour he wished he wasn’t on as he sat watching late night TV, eating the chocolate he’d found in the minibar out of sheer desperation to feel loved by someone.
He wasn’t sure what to do with himself in such a state. He found himself standing by the mirror in the bathroom and watched to his horror as his face began to crumble against his wishes.
“No, no no no,” Brian whispered, wiping furiously at his tears as they fell. It was going to be okay. It wouldn’t hurt like it had before. In fact, he was almost certain nothing in his life ever could hurt that much again. He could feel those familiar thoughts swimming in the back of his mind, waiting for their moment to drown him in sorrow.
He would never have her. His affection wasn’t welcome. No matter how long he’d spend by her side, she would never want him as he did her.
There was no stopping the tears after that.
Brian got himself up then and made his way over to her, his gentle touch to her shoulder making her jump in surprise, not having heard him approach.
“What’s the matter?” he asked, because he felt someone ought to, but received no reply. He could see now that he was closer to her the stains her tears had left on her cheeks, and the rawness of her eyes. He watched as she furrowed her eyebrows, if only slightly, as if she were deep in thought about something. But she was looking right at him. He lifted his hands to wipe her tears away with his thumbs, cupping her face for just a moment too long as she brought one of her own hands up to tuck a lock of hair behind his ear. Brian tried to ignore the heavy thud of his heart against his ribcage and reminded himself that she was technically a married woman, and he was her friend. Just a friend. He let his hands drop back to his sides ever so limply as he supressed the urge to kiss her, though it hadn’t been an easy choice to make as she continued to stand so close to him, staring right back into his eyes as she stroked the side of his face.
“I have to go, Brian. It’s getting late.” And in but a moment, the trance had been broken. Amelie was putting on her shoes and Brian had turned on the light for her to see. The real world was prominent once more, and Brian felt so stupidly selfish for the situation he’d almost put them both in. The last thing she needed in her life right now were further… complications. That’s all he’d be to her; a problem; an inconvenience. She’d have brushed it off as being a simple misunderstanding, a straying of the heart, a lapse in his better judgement, and he’d blush as she’d gently push him away, then laugh, because laughter hid a broken heart all too well.
“Thanks for the nap.” He watched as she put her jacket on and grabbed for her bag, pausing as she reached the door before returning to where Brian stood staring to envelope him in a hug. He returned it of course, resting his head on her shoulder as she ran her fingers gently through the tips of his hair.
“I’m glad we’ve found this place again,” she commented as she pulled away from him. “It’s just like old times.”
“Yeah…” Brian agreed, his voice softly trailing off at the end. He watched her walk out the door.
Brian stood around for a moment as he processed everything that had happened, and tried to gather his thoughts on it all. Nothing had gone as he’d originally planned. It wasn’t supposed to be like old times. He wasn’t sure he could go through that again with her. He was too gentle of heart; too easy to crumble. He could already feel as she took a piece of him with her when she left.
Just like old times.
It had taken him years to get that piece back. He’d suffered through several failed relationships and broken many hearts before he realised he was still missing that piece that Amelie had taken with her to America. He didn’t talk about it. He didn’t like to think about it. Eventually the pain that came from his missing piece dulled as Brian thought about her only every other day, then every other week, and then only when he was alone in a hotel room somewhere in America on a tour he wished he wasn’t on as he sat watching late night TV, eating the chocolate he’d found in the minibar out of sheer desperation to feel loved by someone.
He wasn’t sure what to do with himself in such a state. He found himself standing by the mirror in the bathroom and watched to his horror as his face began to crumble against his wishes.
“No, no no no,” Brian whispered, wiping furiously at his tears as they fell. It was going to be okay. It wouldn’t hurt like it had before. In fact, he was almost certain nothing in his life ever could hurt that much again. He could feel those familiar thoughts swimming in the back of his mind, waiting for their moment to drown him in sorrow.
He would never have her. His affection wasn’t welcome. No matter how long he’d spend by her side, she would never want him as he did her.
There was no stopping the tears after that.