Weapons of War

"Riley?" Shea called out as he closed the front door behind him and kicked his shoes off. He didn't get a response so he called out again, "Ry? Babe where are you?"

She appeared at the top of the stairs and she scolded him, "Noah's asleep, keep it down."

He grinned and came barreling up the stairs, wrapping his arms around her as he instantly pulled her off of the ground as carefully as he could. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he placed her feet back down on the floor and he said, "Guess what."

"You won the lottery?" She asked with a grin.

He shook his head and told her, "I'm cleared. Got the green light, I'm in for tomorrow."

Riley leaned up and kissed him quickly before she pulled back and said, "I'm so glad."

"In a hurry to get rid of me or what?" Shea asked her with a grin, and she nodded her head which made him laugh. He then told her, "Passed all the tests with flying colors. I'm good to go and… I've missed it."

"I know you have, and I've missed seeing you out there. I think we need to celebrate." When she said this he smirked and she rolled her eyes, crushing his thoughts and hopes when she said, "You can help me set up the crib."

"Fun sucker." He told her, following her into the nursery.

They had moved Noah down the hall a week earlier, and he loved his new, much larger room that was painted 'Superman' blue thanks to Shea. He had also painted the nursery at the same time, three walls a pale yellow and one an equally as pale grey. They had done all of the nursery furniture shopping online to save time and Riley's energy which was increasingly draining each day, and for the last three weeks everything had been sitting in their boxes in the room waiting to be assembled.

So while Riley sat in the plush chair that had once been in Noah's nursery Shea sat on the floor and tried his best to remember how to set up the crib from the last time they had done it before Noah was born. It was then that Riley mused, "We haven't even talked about the nursery in Kelowna."

"I forgot about that actually." Shea admitted, and Riley nodded. They hadn't bothered with one for Noah because by the time they got around to living in Kelowna after he was born he was eight months old so they simply assembled baby furniture in a guest room that was now Noah's bedroom during the off season. This time however, this baby would be spending a large chunk of its first few months in Kelowna. There was even the chance that they might be able to get back there to have this baby, though Riley refused to let Shea even talk about the possibility of a short season.

"I was also thinking maybe your dad might like to come stay with us for a bit when we get back there." When she said this Shea glanced over at her and quirked his eyebrow. She explained, "I know it's only like an hour and a half but none of us really like that drive to visit, and I especially don't want to do it with a two year old and a newborn and I don't like the idea of your dad making that drive so much. I just thought maybe instead he'd like to just come stay with us for a few weeks."

Shea joked, "Is this your way of saying you don't think we can handle two kids?"

She chuckled and told him, "Hey, I'll take all the help I can get. Your dad is a miracle worker with Noah."

"Yeah?" Shea asked, only partially paying attention at this point.

"Whenever you're on the road and you're busy and I can't get him to bed I call your dad and the kid is out in like five minutes." Riley told him and Shea couldn't help but chuckle.

As he worked on the crib Riley sat cross legged on the plush chair and assembled the bassinet that was usually kept in their bedroom for the first few months when they had Noah. They both liked the convenience of having the baby so close at night the first time around so they opted to do the same this time as well.

As she finished assembling it and stared at it she mused, "I remember when Noah fit in this. I miss when he was this little."

Shea turned his head to her and smiled, reminding her, "Just think, in four more months we'll have another one that little."

"But then he'll out grow this too." Riley stated, adding with a grin, "So basically we'll just have to keep having babies until I don't find them addicting anymore."

"I'm more than okay with that." Shea told her with a wide grin.

She looked down at the bassinet again and told him, "Babies are like crack."

Shea let out a loud laugh at her statement, but then he nodded in agreement and said, "Tell me about it."

Hours later, once they were almost completely finished assembling furniture in the nursery, Shea got in a solid hour of playing with Noah, dinner had been made and eaten, and Noah had been tucked into bed Riley found herself sitting in bed with her back against the headboard. The covers were pulled up to her waist and she tapped her feet along to a song in her head as the shower turned off and a minute later Shea walked out of the bathroom in a towel.

Riley's whistle caught his attention as he pulled a dresser drawer open. He smiled at her and asked, "Can I help you with something?"

She nodded, "You could stop walking around half naked, it makes me very sexually frustrated."

"Would you prefer it if I walked around completely naked then?" He asked her with a cocked brow as he pulled a pair of boxer briefs over his hips and then tossed the towel into the hamper.

Riley smiled at him, and she held out her hand, curling her finger until Shea was bent down, palms flat against the edges of the mattress and she leaned over and kissed him. When he went to pull away from her she grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him even closer, deepening the kiss until she had to pull away for the sake of air.

Shea raised his eyebrow at her, "What's gotten into you?"

She shrugged, "I don't know, I feel really good lately. I mean I still feel like I have three hundred pounds strapped to my chest and the trampoline on my bladder sucks but I feel really good."

Shea smiled as he got into bed next to her and he said, "I'm glad."

So was she. Things were still rough, she still had days, most of them if she was being honest, where she had to force herself out of bed in the morning and she still didn't feel great but she was having a few days here and there were she was good, where she didn't feel like crap all of the time and where every little thing didn't send her into a fit of rage or make her sob. It finally felt as if, even if it was only for a day or two at a time here and there, that her mood and what was going on inside of her head was beginning to finally look up.

Shea shifted in bed so that he was laying on his side, resting on one elbow as he leaned into Riley and was face level with the middle of her stomach. He rolled the thin material of her tank top up and over her baby bump, right up to the bottom of her bra, before he spread his palm out on the side of her stomach and he leaned down and kissed her skin softly.

Riley ran her hand through his hair gently as he started to speak quietly to her stomach, going back and forth between mumbling against her skin and kissing it, scratching her here and there with the stubble on his chin.

She watched him do this for nearly fifteen minutes before she scooted down in the bed to lay down, covering her mouth as she yawned. Shea followed her lead and scooted down as well, his feet hanging well off of the end of the bed as he aligned himself with her stomach once more.

Once again Riley ran her fingers through his hair and she asked him, "You have a game tomorrow, you planning on getting any sleep tonight?"

He looked up at her and smiled, telling her, "I'll go to sleep soon. Just a few more minutes."

Sometime shortly after that Riley had fallen asleep and Shea had stayed up another hour, maybe two, talking about nothing in particular to the life growing inside her. Riley woke up around three in the morning to find Shea, feet still hanging off of the end of the bed, his head resting under her breasts, cheek against the top of her stomach with one arm wrapped protectively around her seemingly even larger than before stomach, snoring.

She smiled gently, and didn't even bother moving and disturbing them both to turn the nightstand light off. She simply played with the hair at the back of Shea's head and closed her eyes again, giving way to sleep quickly, not even being kept awake by Shea's quiet snores.

- - -

The next morning, when Shea should have been at optional practice, they found themselves sitting on that little love seat in Dr. Kent's office for the fifth time. This time, unlike the last four sessions, they were sitting so close they were touching, something Dr. Kent noted when he walked in the room, "Things are better right now, yes?"

They both nodded, and Shea said, "We've been catching ourselves before the argument starts... most times."

"That's good to hear. So what's been going on since the last time you were here?"

This time Riley spoke first, she had been forcing herself to be more vocal, even talking about her childhood, Dave and Christina, in their last session. She wasn't sure if it was really true or not but she felt as though these sessions were helping her as well, not just she and Shea as a couple. She told him, "Noah had his surgery and it went really well, and Shea's been cleared to play so things are starting to go back to normal."

"I'm very glad to hear that." He stated, and his eyes fell on Riley and he asked, "And what about you?"

Shea glanced at her for a moment, and Riley noted it but she didn't speak to that, instead she smiled gently and said, "I'm good."

He nodded slowly, glanced between the two of them and asked, "So those fights you have now… what are they usually about?"

Riley honestly couldn't answer that question, half the time she didn't know what they were fighting about, it was Shea who told him, "Mostly it's just me starting fights. We're still working on the emotional side of our relationship and it's been a struggle."

"How so?"

Riley hated these questions. She hated having to sit there and listen to Shea talk about all the things that bothered him about their relationship and about how she operated while a stranger sat across from him and dissected their entire relationship. But she knew Shea needed to get it off his chest in a way that wouldn't make things between them even worse, and she knew, just based off of the fact that he was beginning to accept the fact that change wasn't going to happen over night and he was trying so hard to understand what he still didn't, that this was helping him.

They both had their own processes. They just had to figure out how to handle each others process and how to incorporate it into their own.

"We're getting better. I'm doing better at giving her the time and space she needs to get where I would like for us to be and she's getting better at being there the way I need her to be. It's just that… the biggest issue I think for us right now is that I feel like she doesn't understand, or even make the effort to understand, why I hate it when she doesn't tell me things that frankly I think I have a right to know." When he said this Riley took in a quiet breath of air, but it didn't seem to go unnoticed by Dr. Kent.

"Riley? Is there something you wanted to say?" He asked her curiously, watching as she looked over at him as if she was a kid who got caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

"Honestly, I just think that sometimes he expects too much from me, and I'm not saying that to be mean... it's just how it seems sometimes." Riley stated, and when Shea's eyebrow quirked, and his jaw clenched just the slightest, she turned in her spot to face him slightly and she told him, "Don't do that. We say we're gonna be honest with each other here, you're asking me to tell you things, to be more honest with you, so don't get mad when I tell you something, please."

"I'm not mad Riley." 

Could have fooled me.

She sighed, tucked her hair behind her ears and told him, "You are, your biggest issue with me is that I don't tell you things, that I don't connect with you emotionally and this is why."

"What the hell does that even mean? I have never given you a reason to think you can't talk to me." There it was, just like that, a snap of the fingers and the calm, gentle demeanour he had for weeks now was gone. This was the Shea she had grown so used to; defensive and angry.

She didn't respond, instead she turned in her seat again, turning away from him, closing him out and keeping her eyes on her hands in her lap. Dr. Kent glanced between the two of them again, before he said, "Riley I think you should explain what you meant to him, and I think Shea, you need to really listen to her. This is why you're here; to get better at communicating with each other."

Riley sighed gently, and she ran the finger nail on her index finger up and down her jean clad knee for a few seconds before she spoke, completely honestly, to Shea, "You always say you never know how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking until it blows up but it blows up because I don't feel like I can say the things I really want to say to you."

She saw a look of hurt flash across his features for a moment, and Riley felt bad for saying it. However, Dr. Kent simply urged her forward, "And what are some things you want to say to him that you feel you can't?"

This time the words just came flowing out, "That I can't do it all myself, that I feel like I'm falling apart, that Noah's driving me insane and that I can't deal with it anymore. It's too hard, always feeling like I have to do everything, that I feel like I have to sacrifice my personal life and my sanity for you and your career and I know you've never asked me to and that you never would but it's just how it feels."

Shea wasn't sure why but again he got defensive and he told her, "You knew what my career was like before you married me, before we had a baby."

This was exactly why she felt like she couldn't say the things that were really on her mind.

Before she could respond Shea continued, surprising her, "I'm not, and I never have, expected you to do it all yourself Riley, but I don't know how to help you anymore. I've offered to skip optional practices, I've suggested us hiring some help and you turn it down every time."

"Because that is literally my only job Shea!" She was tired of having to explain this to him, just to have him not understand it. Her eyes welled up with tears as she continued, "There are women out there who raise kids and have a full time job and my job is being a wife and a mother and I can't even do that."

"Do you really think anyone is gonna think any less of you if we need some help Riley? Do you think I will?" She didn't answer, and she kept her eyes on her knees so Shea continued, his voice soft but firm, "I know how hard what you do on a daily basis is Riley. I couldn't do it, even on a good day. It amazes me that you can, but I don't want you to keep stressing herself out over something we can change."

"I just… I should be able to do this Shea. I just feel like… it's hard for me to admit that I can't do this when I should be able to, when there's no reason for me not to be able to do this." So it was a pride a thing. Shea should have known.

"It's something that might help us Riley. These are the things we need to talk about."

Riley bit down hard on her lip as she turned her attention back to her hands in her lap. It was then that Dr. Kent asked her, "Do you know why you feel you can't tell him these things? Or is it just a feeling?"

Part of her answered to be honest, and part of her answered to hurt him the way his words had hurt her moments earlier, "Because I don't want to start a fight with him. It's exhausting to fight with him, because it's either we don't talk for weeks or we're screaming at each other for hours on end. I don't like fighting with him because he has a temper that scares me sometimes-"

She barely even got the whole sentence out before Shea was pulling his keys from his pocket and he said, "I'm done, I'm going home."

Riley sighed loudly, and caught the attention of both of the men in the room when she exclaimed aloud, "You don't even let me finish what I'm saying!"

"It's pretty obvious. I wasn't aware that I ever gave you a reason to be afraid of me." Shea stated harshly.

"If you would have let me finish what I was trying to say before you flew off the handle and shut down and stopped listening to me like a child you would have known that I was going to say that you don't scare me, your temper scares me when we fight because when you get angry it brings out the worst in me. It makes me crazy." When she said this Shea slowly placed his keys in his lap and relax a little bit against the couch, something Riley noted. When she knew she had his full attention she continued, "When you're angry and yelling at me it's like you're the fuel and I'm the fire and it's so frustrating because I never get angry like I get angry when you're angry."

"So I guess I can just add that to the never ending list of things that are my fault. Right under you not having a life and me being gone so often, or should I put it before the fact that you feel like you have to do everything yourself?" She never knew which Shea she would get when she tried to be honest with him; kind Shea or this Shea. He could be damn near cruel when he wanted to be, but Riley also knew that she could be the same way to him. It was like a vicious cycle.

"Shea." She caught herself before she continued, but she couldn't say the same thing for the tears that welled up in her eyes and spilled out onto her cheeks. She put her head in her hands to avoid him seeing her cry but it was too late, his features softened, but he didn't say anything to her right away. Instead he just watched her while she cried, he watched as Dr. Kent handed her a tissue, and then when she used that he simply handed her the whole box, all the while Shea simply watched her.

When Riley finally seemed to stop crying, and she was wiping under her eyes with a balled up tissue Dr. Kent turned to Shea and asked him, "Shea, would you mind waiting out in the hall? I'd like to talk to Riley alone for a few minutes."

Shea glanced at Riley, but he got up, and he surprised her when he leaned down and kissed the top of her head and he left them alone, closing the door behind him quietly. Once the door closed Riley dropped her tissue in the trash can beside her with all her other ones and she looked at Dr. Kent, letting out a small, rather embarrassed chuckle and said, "Sorry."

"It wouldn't be the first time someone's sat on that couch and cried, sometimes a good cry is the best therapy, honestly." He told her, and she nodded her head slowly. He then asked her, "When you were here last you talked about your mother, about what happened recently and what happened in the past. The reason I wanted to talk to you alone was because I wanted to ask you, is that part of the reason you're afraid to connect with Shea?"

She thought about it for a moment, unsure how to respond, but it was a lot easier to be honest without Shea in the room, "I guess so. I guess I've just been waiting for him to realize he could do better and move on. I've spent years waiting for him to walk away."

"One person walking out on you, no matter who they were, doesn't mean everyone will." Of course she knew that, but it didn't make it any different for her.

"When Christina left it was... finding out my own mother didn't want me... there are days where I hate my life so much, when Noah's making me want to get in my car and not come back but I could never do that. I could never do that, and I can't understand how she could do that. The one person in my life that was supposed to love me more than anything in the world walked away like it was the easiest decision in her life, and the other person went and died on me. So yeah, I've got emotional issues, and I know this is gonna sound stupid, but I'm constantly just waiting for him to leave too."