Collision

Finley didn’t explain any more than that, but the urgency in his voice told me everything I needed to know. As soon as I had my shoes on, I followed him, as we ran all the way to SAYF and AE’s bus. The door was wide open and Finley barely paused before running up the steps, and then he fell to his knees next to the sofa.

As I walked in I saw my sister curled up in a fetal position on it, shaking like a leaf and unnaturally pale. Her eyes were closed and she was shivering — that’s what the shaking was, I realized — but when I pressed my fingers to her forehead I realized it burning hot, like a fever, and quickly drew them back.

“Oh my god,” I managed to say between trembling fingers clasped to my mouth, looking down at her. The only emotion that I could feel right then was shock. “What’s wrong? Have you called for an ambulance?”

Now that he’d fetched us, it seemed that Finley had lost the ability to keep himself together. He was almost hysterical. “She was fine, she was fine,” he repeated, biting his lip harshly. “She came back here and she was fine and then she wasn’t, then she just collapsed and I didn’t know what to do except call 999 and find you.” He turned to me, eyes wide. “She’s taken something, hasn’t she?”

I felt my heart stop. “You don’t mean — oh god, you mean…?” I couldn’t even say it, but I knew instantly it was true.

Suddenly Gerard pushed past me, taking control of the situation as he strode over and crouched down next to my sister. I noticed that her breathing was coming in short, sharp gasps, which didn’t seem like a good sign to me, and there was a look on Gerard’s face I’d never seen before — it wasn’t panic, like me, but grim horror. He pressed his own hand, fleetingly, to her forehead, apparently realizing exactly like we that she obviously had a fever of some sort.

“I think she’s overdosed,” he said, looking up at us briefly, frowning.

I didn’t even question how he knew what the hell he was talking about, too relieved that somebody actually did. “What do we do?” I asked, still panicking, my breaths coming in jagged gulps which echoed my sister’s as I tried to get my head around the situation. “That’s bad isn’t it?”

Gerard got to his feet, and gently took a hold of my upper arms. “First things first, calm down. Deep breaths. You’re not gonna help anybody if you’re having a panic attack.” He turned to the green-haired guitarist, who was staring numbly at Alex. “Finley — run and get Mallory. Tell him to get up, and that he’s gonna have to meet us at the hospital.”

Finley nodded, and then, casting one look back at the shivering form of my sister, he sprinted off again. Gerard glanced at me briefly and then smiled reassuringly, obviously noticing that I was still shaking, although I was trying to control my breathing and it was helping a little bit. “It’s okay, she’ll be fine. We’re gonna get her to the hospital and then she’ll get better.”

A few moments later, Mallory came running up, with Finley close behind him. Apparently he’d been nearer than Gerard had expected. “Jesus fucking Christ,” he cried, when he saw Alex. His look of confusion was suddenly replaced with alarm. “What the fuck did she do?”

At this point, the only thing which existed in my mind except from fear was anger. I’d thought she was smarter than to do anything like that, but I knew that this wasn’t the time for denial.

I didn’t remember when the ambulance turned up, nor what happened at first, only that suddenly the tour bus was awash with blue and red lights, and the air was filled with the short, barked commands between the two woman paramedics as they hooked my sister – who looked so tiny all of a sudden – up to machines and checked her airway.

“She’s comatose and tachycardic.”

“Any idea what she’s taken?”

“Don’t worry miss, she’s in safe hands.”

They were hooking an oxygen mask over her face and I found myself being pushed aside, where Gerard and Finley were waiting. I stood back, biting my thumbnail anxiously as I watched them lift her up without any effort to take her to the ambulance. She’d gotten so thin, which I noticed now, looking at her tiny wrists and the sharp jut of her cheekbones in the blue and red lights.

Finley reached for my hand, a reassuring solidness to hold onto. I gripped his hand tight, as I could feel myself panicking still. Outside, a small crowd had gathered at a respectable distance, but they were staring and it made me so uncomfortable. I didn’t want anybody to see Alex like this.

“You’re her next of kin?” The paramedic who turned and asked me this was kindly-looking, but I was too shocked to speak so I only nodded dumbly. “Hop in. The others will have to meet us there.”

“Go,” Gerard said, kissing my cheek quickly before stepping away. I climbed awkwardly up into the back of the ambulance and took a seat beside my sister. She was still shaking and her eyes were closed.

“Can I hold her hand?” I asked weakly. The kind-looking one nodded. I gripped my sister’s limp hand tightly, stroking the skin with my thumb. There was no response from her – she was completely out of it.

When we arrived at the hospital she was quickly whisked away from me, despite my protests. Words were being shouted which I recognised but didn’t want to connect to my sister.

A nurse tried to talk to me, but I wasn't in any mood to listen to her calm words. Instead, I kept asking where my sister was.

I saw the doctor who had taken charge earlier appear at one point, but when I tried to follow him, the nurse stopped me with a gentle hand on my shoulder and shake of her head, pointing at a chair nearby. They expected me to sit there and wait?

I felt a surge of anger — she was my sister, I needed to be there with her — but then Gerard grabbed my hand. I hadn’t even realised he’d arrived.

“Don’t,” he said, apparently warningly. “It’s not worth it. They’ll look after her. Don’t worry.”

“How can I not worry?” I demanded, turning to him. “That’s my fucking sister... she’s...” I trailed off, swallowing back a strangled sound and blinking rapidly to hold back the tears welling up. “She means the whole fucking world to me, okay?”

He wrapped his arms me and pulled me against him in a tight hug, and my angry words turned into tears instead. I felt so pathetic, standing there clinging to him, the tears I’d been holding back now flooding out in sobs, but that was the only thing I could do.

“I’m such a fucking sad excuse for a sister.”

He was stroking my hair comfortingly, but then he stopped and tilted my chin up to look at him. “No you’re not, Cam. I’ve been there — as the one with the problem. Trust me, you wouldn’t have made a difference even if you had known. Don’t blame yourself. Please.”

“But why didn’t I know?” I demanded, still holding onto him tightly and inhaling his safe, familiar scent.

He shrugged, looking lost. “It could be it’s just a one-off,” he suggested. “Maybe it’s just this once, and she reacted really bad to it.”

“I wish.” We both knew that was absolute bullshit. Suddenly, all I could think about was all those times I’d thought something was off with her, the moodswings, the stress, the late nights, the throwing up. They were running through my head like one of the worst movies ever, on repeat.

Soon there were people, so many people, demanding answers to questions I wasn’t sure about, endless streams of questions, which I tried to answer but mostly I shook my head mutely, not sure what to say. They wouldn’t respond when I asked how she was doing, only giving brief words of reassurance:

“They’re working with her now.”

“Don’t worry.”

I don’t remember falling asleep, only that I spent many anxious hours waiting for news, fighting back yawns and my heavy eyelids until, early in the morning, I must have finally succumbed to exhaustion.

Finley had fallen asleep way before me, stretched out on three seats opposite to where I’d sat down. I’d ended up resting my head on Gerard and eventually using him as a pillow. He seemed tired himself but he stayed awake until I fell asleep myself, a reassuring presence by my side and, after I’d calmed down slightly, somebody to talk to fill the anxious hours of waiting.

I woke up a few hours later, blinking away sleep and squinting in the harsh fluorescent lights. I dug out my phone and hit a few random buttons until it flickered into life to check the time, and I was surprised to find it was only eight in the morning. When I saw my hands, I noticed that last night I’d curled them up so tightly into anxious fists that I’d let half-moon indents in my palms which were still faintly there.

The corridor we’d moved to from the waiting room was already alive with movement despite the early hour, with people hurrying up and down it, completely ignoring the presence of the crashed out people sleeping on the seats lining the sides. When I was more awake, I realized that Gerard, Finley and I weren’t the only ones there, and that Liza and Red were standing nearby.

Liza looked grim, but when she saw I was awake she forced a smile and nodded in greeting, holding up the cup she was holding in her hands. “Want one?” she asked. I shook my head, sitting up properly and moving my head off Gerard’s chest — I hoped to god I hadn’t snored or drooled, for our friendship’s sake.

Apparently my movements disturbed Gerard, who stirred and then cracked open his eyes, squinting like I had moments before. “Sorry about waking you,” I said, smoothing out my obviously messed up hair. He shook his head.

“Don’t worry about it,” he mumbled, apparently noticing the presence of coffee because he suddenly stood up and walked over to Liza’s side. I saw her point down the corridor and then him nod and walk off, apparently to find out the source. When I got to my own feet I noticed that there was somebody — a doctor, judging from his coat and nametag — walking towards me. I straightened out my clothes as he stopped, trying to ignore the fact he was about three inches shorter than me and I was looking down on him.

“Miss Martinez?” he questioned, and I nodded slowly, unsure if I wanted to hear what he had to say. He smiled in an expressionless, automatic way, which was obviously meant to be reassuring but didn’t settle my nerves at all. “I’d just like to inform you that your sister has improved remarkably. She’s responded very well to the treatment, and she’s in fact awake. She asked about you.”

“Can I see her?” I asked desperately, noticing that Gerard, walking in our direction, had returned from his quest for coffee and had a much larger grin on his face now he’d got his hands on some.

The doctor nodded stiffly. “Yes, you can, although only for a few minutes. She will be very tired. We had to give her quite a large dose of clonazepam to stop the seizing.”

“Thank you...” I trailed off, realizing I didn’t know his name.

“Doctor Aaldenberg.”

“Right. Thank you, Doctor Aaldenberg.” I smiled slightly, wanting to show how grateful I was for whatever he’d done to help my sister. It felt forced though, an alien expression to have when I still felt so worried, and I let it slide quickly off my face.

“If you like to see Alex, follow me.”

Gerard, apparently hearing this, stopped and gave me a curious look.

“She’s awake,” I mouthed at him, and his eyes lit up. I grabbed his hand, forcing him to walk with me, although he didn’t seem to mind that much. When we got to the room, the doctor turned and only then did he apparently notice Gerard, because his smile faltered.

“I’m sorry, only family members can see Alex at the moment,” he said.

“It’s okay, he’s our cousin,” I lied quickly. The doctor’s face remained impassive – I could tell that he didn’t really believe me – but he nodded slowly and then opened the door.

I stepped inside, taking in the whitewashed walls and the sterile feel to every single piece of the simple metal furniture inside. The sound of softly beeping monitors filled my ears, and I could taste the tang of disinfectant on my tongue, and the lighting, sharply fluorescent, hurt my sensitive eyes.

It was only when I’d looked around the whole room that I let my eyes fall on the thing I’d been trying to ignore. Alex was lying in the bed pushed up against the far wall and looked only slightly better than she had last night, thin and vulnerable surrounded by so much white. She had her eyes shut, her black and red hair contrasting even more than usual against the sickly pallid tone of her skin, but when I walked over to her side and put a hand over hers she opened her eyes and looked at me.

I was about to speak, but she cut me off. “I’m sorry,” she said, looking down at my hand on top of hers. Tears started slipping down her cheeks. “I really am.”

“It’s okay.” I leaned over and kissed her forehead. “But I hope you realize you’re gonna be in so much fucking trouble with mum. And you better not scare me like that ever again. I mean it. I will kill you if you do.”

She cracked a small smile. “I know she’s gonna be angry,” she said, using her free hand to wipe the small streams of tears off her cheeks and taking in a deep, shuddering breath. “I really didn’t mean to scare you... not like that.”

“You better hope you fucking didn’t,” I replied. “I thought I was gonna have a heart attack.”

“If you do, at least we’re in a hospital,” Gerard said, making both of us to turn to look at him. I’d sort of forgotten he was even there, standing silently in the corner, but he quickly crossed the room to my side and looked down at Alex. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

I reached out and threaded my fingers through his, on the hand that wasn’t clutching the coffee he seemed so happy to have, and then a loud shout made me glance up as the door to the room swung open and Finley came running in.

He glanced only briefly at us before bounding over to Alex and hugging her tightly. I saw him mutter something I didn’t catch and she replied just as quietly. I stepped back slightly, deciding I didn’t want to get caught in whatever was going on between the two.

Then Finley leaned down and kissed my sister. And not on the cheek, or anything like a friend — full on, his mouth to her mouth kissing, with his hands cupping her face and her arms wrapping around his neck and pulling him closer. It all was a little bit too passionate for me to feel comfortable witnessing.

“Okay, hold on — I didn’t know they were together...” Gerard said out of the corner of his mouth, whilst we both stared at the two of them. “Did I miss something?”

I turned to him, unsure what to say. I mean, I knew there was something there, but there was a difference between the thought of it and actually seeing them kissing like they were. I composed myself — or at least snapped my mouth shut — and then, when the two broke apart, cocked an eyebrow and shot Alex a questioning glance. She looked a bit shell-shocked herself, and her cheeks had gone a lovely shade of red.

“Um, Fin... you do realize that, uh, Gerard is here, right?” she said finally.

Finley turned, nodding. “I know. Hi guys!” he said, waving at us and then looking back at Alex.

“That’s not what I meant...”

“Oh, I know that too.” He still had a dazzling smile on his face.

“Glad to know you’re keeping even more secrets from me, Alex,” I said flatly.

With my words, the change in her expression was priceless — the result was something like ‘deer in the headlights’ or ‘oh shit’. “That’s not what...”

I smiled. “I’m kidding.”

“Oh, funny.” Despite her sarcasm, I could see the relief on her face.

Both Gerard and I silently decided to leave her and Finley alone then, but later I returned.

Alex was sat up in her bed, and she had a tray of food in front of her. She was giving it a disgusted look and mostly pushing it around with her fork, so I gathered it wasn’t that nice. When I cleared my throat she looked up and smiled, pushing the tray to the side and holding out her arms. Taking the hint, I walked over and hugged her. “Feeling better?” I asked.

“Mhm. Slightly. My whole body hurts though. Especially my head.”

“Good. You deserve it.”

“Wow, a little sympathy wouldn’t go amiss, Cam,” she replied snarkily, rolling her eyes.

“Do you really want me to be sympathetic? Because I’m not gonna be. You really do deserve it. Hopefully, it’ll teach you a lesson, and then we’ll never have to go through this shit again.” I sighed and dragged a seat over to sit by her side, looking up at her. I was glad to see that some of the rosiness was re-emerging on her cheeks, although she still looked pale in the bright lighting. “So, you and Finley—”

“Don’t,” she interrupted. “I... I don’t even know myself, so it’s no good you asking questions.”

“Well, fine. I was just going to say good for you. It’s about fucking time.”

She smiled, and I knew instantly she’d seen through my flimsy excuse. “Sure you were, Cam. I know you better than that. You’re a journalist, it’s your job to be nosy.”

“I know, I know. And I’m damn good at it, aren’t I?” I laughed and flashed her a smile in return, and then there was a knock at the door. Both of us glanced up as Gerard leaned in.

“Uh, guys, we’re all going to get some food. Do you want anything, Cam?”

I shook my head. “I’ll be fine.”

He nodded and walked over to the bed. “You’re looking better, Alex,” he noted, putting a hand on my shoulder.

“Yeah, thanks,” she said. She looked down at his hand on my shoulder, and I didn’t miss the little amused quirk to her lips. “Hey, whilst you’re both here, I’ve got a question myself.” She paused, and I sighed. I kind of knew what was coming before she said it. “You guys... are you...?”

“Are we what?” I asked, looking straight at her. I knew exactly what she was asking, but I hoped she’d be too flustered to outright say it.

“Are you together?”

Okay. That approach didn’t really work.

“Um...” I glanced at Gerard, who had an odd sort of embarrassed look on his face which made me want to giggle. I didn’t, though, trying to keep my embarrassment off my own face.

“Yes...?” He replied, sounding about as confident as I felt.

“Yes,” I finished after a small, awkward pause, standing up at the same time. “Well, maybe.”

She gave me a look which showed exactly what she thought of our less than confident response. “Right.” She nodded.

I cleared my throat. “How about that food then?” I said, turning to Gerard, and hoping he wouldn’t point out that I’d just said no. It looked like he was about to though, judging from the confused expression which fluttered across his face, so I quickly grabbed hold of his wrist and dragged him out of the room. I heard Alex laughing behind me, but decided to ignore it. “Don’t say a word,” I said sharply to Gerard when we were outside, and in response he just raised his eyebrows and smiled.

He led the way to the hospital café, where I found that our group had gathered in different points around the room — Liza, Davey, Janey and Finley were all sat at one table, and Mallory, Red and Jack at another, nearer the front. I stole a seat from another table to sit next to Finley on the corner, and then everyone else at the table shuffled about a bit to let Gerard sit down too.

“Why do you look like you just swallowed a lemon?” Liza asked, breaking the awkward silence had that fallen. I looked up, startled, but she was talking to Gerard, and so I let my gaze drop to my hands again, resting in my lap. I was a few seconds away from twiddling my thumbs, since I had little else to do. Everyone else had some kind of food in front of them, but Finley’s choice of greasy pizza was making my stomach turn even just smelling it. I doubted anything else would catch my attention either.

Frank, with a huge grin on his face, came strolling up a few minutes later. I only heard his footsteps at first, and I turned to see who it was. At the sight of the guitarist I raised an eyebrow, questioningly, but said nothing.

“What’s with the grin?” Finley asked, shoving his almost empty plate away from him.

“Dude, that doctor... he’s shorter than me,” Frank replied gleefully, waving his hands about. “It’s awesome!”

“Whatever. He’s also a douche. I had to shout at him so I could see Alex,” Finley replied sourly. “He let old Gerard in without a fuss, but not me.”

“Who you calling old?” Gerard demanded. “And the only reason I got in was because Cam lied and said I was her cousin. I honestly don’t think he believed it, but what can he do?”

Frank laughed. “Kick you out?”

“Frank, it’s a hospital,” he replied with a roll of his eyes.

“What are you even doing here?” I asked when my curiosity finally won out. I wasn’t sure why everyone had come here really. Certainly, Frank and Gerard didn’t have much of a reason to stick around; they were friends with Alex, but not as close as with each other by far. It was almost a chain: Frank was here for Gerard, who was here for me, and I, in turn, was here for Alex.

“I wanted to check on you all,” he replied, shrugging nonchalantly. “And I gave Gerard here a change of clothes so he wouldn’t knock you guys out with the smell.”

“Couldn’t he just, y’know, go back to the bus himself?”

He leant down and stole the few remaining chips of Finley’s plate. “Aww, but then he’d have to leave your side for like, thirty whole minutes,” he said, stuffing the stolen chips in his mouth and flashing me a brazen grin. “We couldn’t have that now, could we?”

Liza giggled, attempting to stifle the sound with her hand, and I kept my eyes on the table to avoid looking the grinning guitarist in the eyes. “Can I kill him?” I asked in a whisper to Finley, ignoring the redness to my cheeks.

He sighed. “No, sweetie. You’ll go to prison, and prison is bad.”

“Dammit.”

~*~

Doctor Aaldenberg found me sitting by Alex’s bedside later that day. His mouth was in a flat line as he did what appeared to be a few routine checks, and then turned to us both. “Your toxicology report came back,” he said, and I saw Alex’s smile disappear. “You tested positive for benzoylecgonine and cocaethylene, which are the main metabolites of cocaine.”

I turned to look at her, and noticed that she was already looking at me. I said nothing. I didn’t trust myself not to shout at her for being the most irresponsible little shit ever. Instead I turned back to the doctor.

“What are your recommendations?” I asked quietly, trying to sound as unaffected by the news as possible but knowing that I was doing a terrible job of it.

“Honestly? Rest and abstinence from any substances are my recommendations.” He turned to Alex. “We’ve administered naloxone when we were unsure of what substance you’d taken and clonazepam which may make you feel very tired and a little bit run down for a while.”

We have therapists on hand here who can help treat any lasting effects.”

You’re a very lucky young woman.”

~*~

Truth be told, I wanted to be angry at my sister. I wanted to be so angry that she learned her lesson and never did something as stupid as this again. Instead, I was just worried. She wouldn’t explain anything which had happened, but I pieced enough from going over what I’d seen over the tour over and over again in my head, until it threatened to send me insane.

Zacky, when he’d heard from Liza that Alex was in hospital, had arrived, white-faced, and taken me aside and started apologising profusely before I’d even had a chance to ask him what the fuck had gone on.

So that explained a little bit of it.

“It was just some fun,” he said.

“It didn’t mean anything,” he said.

I punched him in the face.

Later, Liza congratulated me on breaking his nose, although she did warn me that if I’d done it for any other reason she’d have taken off my head with an axe, which was sweet. Nothing like love between bandmates.

Still, that wasn’t the whole story, it couldn’t have been, because she and Zacky had barely hung out in the last part of the tour, and as far as Liza could tell me, he’d never done cocaine. That wasn’t his style. I also couldn’t remember seeing them together since the time she’d been too drunk to do the interview Mallory had arranged. Which only meant one thing.

“Fucking Vaudeville?” I demanded of Alex, later, when we were alone in her hospital room.

She looked at me, then looked away, looking ashamed, which she damn well should be. “I was just, you know. Trying to be the big rockstar. Like them, I guess. Trying to live up to the reputation.”

“You were being a big fucking idiot, you mean,” I replied sharply.

“I know that,” she said. She looked petulant, but I thought she deserved my anger. “I just… it got out of hand, okay? I was just experimenting, and then I thought I could handle it, and I should have told you, I know that, but… I was so scared. I was scared of the tour, of the fans, of being on stage, of not being good enough no matter what I did.”

I softened slightly, because she genuinely did sound scared. “Idiot,” I mumbled, taking her hand. “Next time you do anything half as stupid as this and don’t tell me, I will have your head put on a spike, okay?”

She half-smiled at me. “Okay.”

Of course, our mother’s reaction was a whole another story entirely. I called her as soon as I had the chance to – actually, as soon as I’d worked up the courage to do so – and ended up gingerly holding the phone away from my ear as she screamed at me.

“I know – I know I said I’d look after – don’t you fucking think I tried? Yes – we’re at Royal London – stop yelling at me!”

Gerard watched this with a slightly bemused expression. Only him and Finley had stayed behind. Red and Jack were at an interview, probably lying through their teeth about why they weren't performing. The rest of Hello, Irony had to perform themselves, although Zacky was sporting two beautiful black eyes and I’m sure that would raise a few questions.

An hour later, our mother burst into the hospital room in her own dramatic fashion, which was slightly amusing considering we were all sat calmly around. Gerard was reading a nature magazine. I was sat beside him, checking the blog forums and attempting some form of damage control, although Mallory had most things under control. Alex and Finley were both sleeping, although they had their hands clasped together, and if that wasn’t the cutest thing I’d seen in awhile, I didn’t know what was.

“What the FUCK,” my mother began, her voice shrill. “DO YOU THINK YOU’VE BEEN DOING, YOUNG LADY?”

Alex woke up with a jolt, and then the colour drained from her face when she saw who was yelling. I’m sure that my mother would have continued – and I was preparing myself for just this – but suddenly she seemed to realise that there was more people in the room than just her wayward daughter. She turned, and her gaze landed on Gerard.

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” She gave him a winning smile and offered her hand. “I didn’t see you there. Roseanne Martinez, but you can call me Rose, if you like.”

He put down the magazine and took her offered hand, looking only slightly confused. “I, uh… Gerard Way. Nice to meet you, Rose.”

This wasn’t exactly how I’d planned on introducing him to my other family, but he seemed to be handling it reasonably well. Maybe Frank hadn’t lied when he said Donna was quite a scary mum.

Finley was making a face at us behind her back. He looked amused, but maybe he was just relieved that he wasn't getting the same treatment.

My mum flicked her gaze between Gerard and I, and then her eyes narrowed slightly as she seemed to realise that he didn’t look like the perfect young gentleman she wanted hanging around her daughters. “You’re not one of those washed up musicians Cameron is so fond of, are you?”

“Mum!” I snapped, mortified. She wasn’t exactly known for her tact.

She turned back to me. “Well, it’s true. You and your strays.”

Gerard was trying to hide his smile as he replied. “I mean, I’m a singer, so…”

At that, my mum seemed to have lost interest. She turned with a huff, back to my sister and Finley. Up until this point, Alex had stayed silent entirely, as if she was trying to pretend she wasn’t there at all. In fact, she was doing a good job of sinking into the mattress of the bed. Unfortunately for her, it wasn’t enough to escape Roseanne Martinez when she was on the war-path.

“You!” She shouted, pointing her finger at Alex. “I am so disappointed in you.”

“Mum,” Alex said, dragging the word out, as if by doing this she wouldn’t actually have to come up with something else to say.

“Oh no, you don’t get to argue back right now! You get to sit there and listen, because you’ve done a shit job of being an adult, and I am your mother and it is my job to call you out on this.”

I turned to Gerard, desperate for an escape. “Shall we, uh… get coffee?”

He looked stupidly relieved at the suggestion. “Please.”

“I just… realised I have to pee,” Finley muttered quickly, standing up.

We slunk out to the sound of my mother still screaming at Alex. At least if anything was going to teach her a lesson, it was that.