Prescription for Miss Walker
Act 37 - Bad Bitches Don’t Cry
I didn't know what it was about today that felt different from the others before it, except for the fact that I knew it was going to be better. I didn't see the ingestion of any kind of killer pills or Ash holding me close, as if to keep me from falling apart.
No, instead, I felt good.
It was a feeling I hadn't experienced in quite some time. Sure, I got the briefest moments of euphoria, but there was always something that would drive me back down to the realistic nightmare I was living. Yet... it felt like a distant memory today, something I'd rather -- and could -- forget.
It had been two days since the traffic jam and Ash and I were sitting on my bed, eating Chinese takeout. I found myself enjoying his company more and more, as he stopped by far frequently. I didn't think I was the only one.
Since I was pretty sure he kept on thinking he could steal glances at me. Little did he know, I was always watching.
Right now, we were talking about hobbies. I'd divulged him with my boring stories, and going along with the ridicule that he teased me with, until we finally came to him. I learned that he'd known how to play piano before he was in high school, was thoroughly linguistic, and his favourite author was Kathy Reichs.
It's a well-known belief that getting to know someone new is the best part of all communication -- no, it's hearing how they narrate their experiences that are.
And Ash was doing it so well, going into heavy detail about his first onstage appearance with a keyboard. He'd practiced in his school talent show for months and had looked forward to playing Tears in Heaven in front of three hundred parents, but unfortunately had a bladder problem right at that moment. In an attempt to hide his embarrassment, a young Ash had lain down in the puddle and faked a seizure.
Which, in its own way, was brilliant. Peeing your pants with a whole audience watching you do so was humiliating. Coming up with a plan so fast and easily, so drastic, he was undoubtedly a genius even back then.
The thirty one year-old sitting on my bed nudged me with chopsticks, making booping noises when they pressed into my skin. Rolling my eyes, I couldn't believe this was the guy I'd just called intelligent.
"So, what about you? What do you consider your talents?" He popped a chicken satay slice into his mouth.
I pretended to think, then shrugged. "I don't know."
"Come on, there's always something."
"Well, I guess you could say I'm a devil between the sheets." I raised my eyebrows, receiving a chorus of chuckles.
"Alright. Alright, don't get cocky."
"That's your job."
We exchanged grins, finished off our dinner then spread ourselves out on the bed like slobs. I didn't mind when it was Ash, but if it had been anyone else I would have gone ballistic by now. I wondered why that was.
My hand found his, as we stared at the ceiling and paced our breathing. I couldn't explain what I felt in that moment, except that I was in a spin. I didn't know if I was dizzy, or if it was the food, or even something I'd never had before. All I was certain of was the crease of his palm, as it folded around mine, smoothing the edges and tracing the lines -- and that was divine enough for me.
I shuddered, having the sudden feeling that things weren't as simple as they used to be.
"I don't know my talents, I guess I never had the time to explore them." I revealed, not facing him still. "Since I was a child, I idolized my family. I thought we were perfect, everyone said so too, you know? Nobody saw my mother walking out with my money in her hands."
I couldn't remember much of her, apart from her green eyes and long length. I'd inherited both of those traits from her, it was a wonder how my father could look at me sometimes. I should've reminded him of her. I mean, isn't that what everyone says about a dead or lost parent?
"I can't sing or dance, I can't even make a simple good cup of coffee. And I'd been okay with that, I assumed I was going to be good at something at one point or whenever. Everybody does."
I sighed.
"Then I met Ben."
Opening myself up to Ash had not been on my checklist, but I found that once I began talking, I had no need to stop myself. I didn't believe in signs or foretelling, but the fact I never held back meant something.
"Ben Bailey was smart, and handsome, and adored by all the students in our school. No matter who you were, no matter who you associated with, everybody loved him. And like the rest of those ignorant fools, so did I. I was fifteen and stupid. On one of our homecoming games, I'd been dared by my friends to ask him out. God knows I didn't expect him to say yes.
"But dating Ben came with its drawbacks. I'd discovered his short temper, his indifference to anything that didn't concern him. I didn't question him, didn't dare to. Eight years worth of being his girlfriend and I never stood up to him once, or asked him why everything aggravated him so much."
I heard him swallow from beside me. From what I could decipher as well, it seemed he hadn't taken his attention away from the ceiling either. Which was nice.
"But that all went to hell the moment our relationship did," I moistened my lips, afraid to close my eyes in case the memory relived itself. Talking about it was hard enough, knowing I trusted a man who crushed me under his shoe like I was a used cigarette. Going back to that point in time, experiencing all those emotions again... I was never sure if it was worth it, if I'd come back unscathed.
"I walked in on him -- in this very apartment -- with some bodacious blonde babe propped up against the fridge, fucking her till daylight come. They both saw me and didn't..." My breath hitched. Why was I telling him this again? "Neither of them stopped. He held my gaze, watched me as I broke my heart and smirked... like he'd been waiting for me. As if he truly wanted to get caught."
I licked my lips.
"I don't have many talents at all, except loving the people I shouldn't."
Only now did I feel Ash's penetrating gaze. Ignoring the stabbing pain in my chest that came with remembering Ben's betrayal, I turned my head to the side.
Letting go of my hand, his reached up and his middle finger brushed against my cheek. It tickled the hairs resting there, trying to pull a smile out of me.
I wanted to. I wanted to do something that showed I trusted him. Instead, all I could do was stare.
As did he.
For years, I'd been going through the motions, without a drive. I couldn't see where I was heading, if I originally had a destination in mind. Who even knew if I was there now?
Maybe this was just a pit stop, a gas station to fill me up and soon I'd be on my way again. I'd be back on the road, cruising on. I'd let my hair down and I wouldn't think about anything other than the sensation of feeling free.
For the first time in a while...
I was alive.
No, instead, I felt good.
It was a feeling I hadn't experienced in quite some time. Sure, I got the briefest moments of euphoria, but there was always something that would drive me back down to the realistic nightmare I was living. Yet... it felt like a distant memory today, something I'd rather -- and could -- forget.
It had been two days since the traffic jam and Ash and I were sitting on my bed, eating Chinese takeout. I found myself enjoying his company more and more, as he stopped by far frequently. I didn't think I was the only one.
Since I was pretty sure he kept on thinking he could steal glances at me. Little did he know, I was always watching.
Right now, we were talking about hobbies. I'd divulged him with my boring stories, and going along with the ridicule that he teased me with, until we finally came to him. I learned that he'd known how to play piano before he was in high school, was thoroughly linguistic, and his favourite author was Kathy Reichs.
It's a well-known belief that getting to know someone new is the best part of all communication -- no, it's hearing how they narrate their experiences that are.
And Ash was doing it so well, going into heavy detail about his first onstage appearance with a keyboard. He'd practiced in his school talent show for months and had looked forward to playing Tears in Heaven in front of three hundred parents, but unfortunately had a bladder problem right at that moment. In an attempt to hide his embarrassment, a young Ash had lain down in the puddle and faked a seizure.
Which, in its own way, was brilliant. Peeing your pants with a whole audience watching you do so was humiliating. Coming up with a plan so fast and easily, so drastic, he was undoubtedly a genius even back then.
The thirty one year-old sitting on my bed nudged me with chopsticks, making booping noises when they pressed into my skin. Rolling my eyes, I couldn't believe this was the guy I'd just called intelligent.
"So, what about you? What do you consider your talents?" He popped a chicken satay slice into his mouth.
I pretended to think, then shrugged. "I don't know."
"Come on, there's always something."
"Well, I guess you could say I'm a devil between the sheets." I raised my eyebrows, receiving a chorus of chuckles.
"Alright. Alright, don't get cocky."
"That's your job."
We exchanged grins, finished off our dinner then spread ourselves out on the bed like slobs. I didn't mind when it was Ash, but if it had been anyone else I would have gone ballistic by now. I wondered why that was.
My hand found his, as we stared at the ceiling and paced our breathing. I couldn't explain what I felt in that moment, except that I was in a spin. I didn't know if I was dizzy, or if it was the food, or even something I'd never had before. All I was certain of was the crease of his palm, as it folded around mine, smoothing the edges and tracing the lines -- and that was divine enough for me.
I shuddered, having the sudden feeling that things weren't as simple as they used to be.
"I don't know my talents, I guess I never had the time to explore them." I revealed, not facing him still. "Since I was a child, I idolized my family. I thought we were perfect, everyone said so too, you know? Nobody saw my mother walking out with my money in her hands."
I couldn't remember much of her, apart from her green eyes and long length. I'd inherited both of those traits from her, it was a wonder how my father could look at me sometimes. I should've reminded him of her. I mean, isn't that what everyone says about a dead or lost parent?
"I can't sing or dance, I can't even make a simple good cup of coffee. And I'd been okay with that, I assumed I was going to be good at something at one point or whenever. Everybody does."
I sighed.
"Then I met Ben."
Opening myself up to Ash had not been on my checklist, but I found that once I began talking, I had no need to stop myself. I didn't believe in signs or foretelling, but the fact I never held back meant something.
"Ben Bailey was smart, and handsome, and adored by all the students in our school. No matter who you were, no matter who you associated with, everybody loved him. And like the rest of those ignorant fools, so did I. I was fifteen and stupid. On one of our homecoming games, I'd been dared by my friends to ask him out. God knows I didn't expect him to say yes.
"But dating Ben came with its drawbacks. I'd discovered his short temper, his indifference to anything that didn't concern him. I didn't question him, didn't dare to. Eight years worth of being his girlfriend and I never stood up to him once, or asked him why everything aggravated him so much."
I heard him swallow from beside me. From what I could decipher as well, it seemed he hadn't taken his attention away from the ceiling either. Which was nice.
"But that all went to hell the moment our relationship did," I moistened my lips, afraid to close my eyes in case the memory relived itself. Talking about it was hard enough, knowing I trusted a man who crushed me under his shoe like I was a used cigarette. Going back to that point in time, experiencing all those emotions again... I was never sure if it was worth it, if I'd come back unscathed.
"I walked in on him -- in this very apartment -- with some bodacious blonde babe propped up against the fridge, fucking her till daylight come. They both saw me and didn't..." My breath hitched. Why was I telling him this again? "Neither of them stopped. He held my gaze, watched me as I broke my heart and smirked... like he'd been waiting for me. As if he truly wanted to get caught."
I licked my lips.
"I don't have many talents at all, except loving the people I shouldn't."
Only now did I feel Ash's penetrating gaze. Ignoring the stabbing pain in my chest that came with remembering Ben's betrayal, I turned my head to the side.
Letting go of my hand, his reached up and his middle finger brushed against my cheek. It tickled the hairs resting there, trying to pull a smile out of me.
I wanted to. I wanted to do something that showed I trusted him. Instead, all I could do was stare.
As did he.
For years, I'd been going through the motions, without a drive. I couldn't see where I was heading, if I originally had a destination in mind. Who even knew if I was there now?
Maybe this was just a pit stop, a gas station to fill me up and soon I'd be on my way again. I'd be back on the road, cruising on. I'd let my hair down and I wouldn't think about anything other than the sensation of feeling free.
For the first time in a while...
I was alive.