Hospital Beds and Memories

I had my bag slung over my shoulder and was making my way to the nearest coffee shop. Jack was out with his parents and I was going to the dance studio to give classes. Even though I barely got any time to dance anymore, I still loved it. Other dancers had had to take over my other classes, but I was allowed to keep this group, the one Jack had seen me dance with before.

As I was making my way down the road, I felt like everybody was watching me. Of course they actually weren’t, but I couldn’t shake the feeling off. Did everybody know I had just lost my virginity? Were they all looking at me because it had changed me? I felt uncomfortable in public now; I wasn’t as innocent as I used to be. And everybody could see! I fucked up, I shouldn’t have had sex with Jack. Now I could never lose my virginity again. Maybe Jack wasn’t the right one, maybe I had to wait for someone special. But Jack was special. I was so conflicted, but that was part of the process, or at least Cam had told me that. I had talked to him in the morning and he said I would be fine in a couple of days. it was just a big change in my life, and it was going to change the way I sometimes looked at things.

I crossed the road to my favorite coffee shop -- the one where Jack and I met -- and opened the door. Surprisingly, the line wasn’t long and I was able to place my order almost instantly. Just like I always did, I ordered a black coffee with nothing added. That stuff was only expensive and it made coffee taste bad. How did teenage girls drink all of that crap?

Having to wait for my coffee to be brewed, I waited and looked out at the tables. My eyes settled on some purple hair that was fading. I could immediately recognize the girl sitting next to the window as Abagail. My name was called out, and I took my hot plastic coffee cup from the counter. I kept my eyes on Abagail as she leaned down to grab something from her bag. That when I saw somebody sitting across from her. Jack. I laughed to myself; what the fuck was he doing here? I was going to walk up to them until I saw what Abagail was giving Jack. A sonogram picture.

I knew exactly what was going on, and I didn’t like it. Instead of doing what most people would do and go up to them and get angry, I walked out of the coffee shop. Luckily, the route I was taking still forced me to walk past the large window. I made eye contact with Jack and stuck up my middle finger while casually drinking some of my coffee and walking past them. His smile dropped and he looked at me with wide eyes.

He fucking lied to me.

I kept walking, blocking out everything around me. Sounds weren’t reaching me anymore and I didn’t care. I didn’t know what I was feeling; was I mad, sad, upset, feeling betrayed? I was guessing everything. Of course he was going to have sex with me and then throw me away. That was just how he worked. And I was foolish enough to fall in love with him; to think I was different, to trust him.

I ran up the stairs of the dance studio and quickly started my lesson. Hopefully, this would take out some of the anger. I didn’t care about the burning sensation that filled my lungs; I didn’t care how hard I stomped my feet on the ground, they could break all that I cared. The others probably realized that something was wrong with me, but knew better than to intervene. Just because I was overworking myself didn’t mean I was overworking my students.

I quickly got changed afterward and ran back home. Nobody knew, but I had taken an extra job at the grocery store. The money I was earning wasn’t paying for the loft, the bills, and food, let alone anything I wanted to buy for myself. Money was running out and I wasn’t going to ask my parents for help. I was going to do this by myself.

After unlocking the front door, I threw my bag to the side. I completely ignored Jack sitting in the living room with Cameron while I was going to my room. He was looking at me expectantly, but I wasn’t going to talk to him. How dare he show up here! I obviously wasn’t what he wanted.

“Cam, I’m heading out, I’ll be back in a couple of hours!” I called out while tying my hair in a ponytail.

Quickly grabbing my other bag which I had prepared for this job, I walked back out, “I’ll be back around six. I’ll text if I’m going to be late.”

With that, I went out of the apartment. I could hear Jack's loud footsteps following me down the stairs. But I only went faster and faster. If I lost footing, I would have fallen down the flights of stairs. But Jack had the same idea, his footsteps were also getting faster and faster and they were catching up with me.

I waited out on the sidewalk for a cab, hoping one would drive by before Jack would show up next to me. Just to my luck, it didn’t happen and Jack was already beside me, completely out of breath.

“Ireland, we need to talk,” he panted.

“Yeah, no.” I motioned to a cab, who luckily pulled over.

Hoping to get rid of Jack, I quickly got in, closed the door, and told the driver where I wanted to go. However, Jack ran to the other side and got in as well. Instead of making an attempt at making him leave, I let him stay there. Arguing with him would require talking to him, and I wasn’t planning on that.

“Isle, look, I’m so sorry--” Jack started, but I untangled my earphones and turned on some loud music, turning up the volume every time I could make out a word of what he was saying. Fortunately, the drive wasn’t too long, only about three songs. Jack had stopped talking but kept staring at me. It was making me feel uncomfortable and it really made me want to punch him in the face, and I wasn’t the aggressive type.

I handed the money to the driver and rushed tp the grocery store with, of course, Jack following me. He was talking again, but I couldn’t be bothered to listen. All that was coming out of his mouth was complete and utter bullshit, evident by the amount of stuttering and sentences that sounded like questions.

“Wait, why are we at the grocery store?” Jack suddenly remarked in the middle of his speech, making it even more obvious he was making up excuses.

A co-worker came up to me with a smile. “Hey, do you mind finishing off my shift? I was going to go out with some friends, but I messed up the times. I told the manager that someone else will be taking over.”

“Yeah, no problem,” I smiled at the younger bubbly girl, “I’m here already, so why not start straight away.”

“Thank you so so much, Ireland,” she hugged me and happily skipped out of the store.

“You work here?” Jack asked.

Once again, I ignored him, and put my bag in the employee's only room before putting on the required uniform shirt. I pushed past Jack and started doing my job: stocking up shelves. It was a lot more fun than sitting and scanning items. Trust me, I tried doing it, but I felt happier moving around than sitting on a chair the entire shift.

With how close Jack was standing next to me, I couldn’t help but listen to him. He was still only telling me lies, “so, umm, you see, umm, I-- I was going to, umm, see my parents?... But, umm, Abagail asked to meet up, umm, because, umm, because… yeah.”

I tried ignoring him, but he kept going on and on. this wasn’t going to work if he was going to keep going the entire time. “Jack. Shut up and leave.”

“Ireland, please, let me explain.”

“Jack. I don’t fucking care. Leave. Now!”

He tried to touch my shoulder, but I backed away. “Don’t you fucking dare touch me. I don’t want to hear all your lies.”

“I am not lying!”

“Oh really? So you didn’t lie about Abagail being pregnant, you didn’t lie about visiting your parents, you’re not lying about what actually happened? Huh? What else did you lie about? I should have known better than having sex with you; I should have known you were going to screw me over afterward!”

“Come on, that’s not true. I just didn’t want you getting upset with me for hanging out with Abagail.”

“Bullshit. Get out and leave me alone!”

Just then the manager walked past the aisle we were in. “Is he bothering you?”

Jack replied before I could, “I’m her boyfriend, it’s fine.”

“Oh, ok. Ireland, you know you shouldn’t be talking except when you’re helping people, we’ve had complaints before.”

“Yes, I know, I’m sorry,” I smiled at him. He walked away and I quickly turned to Jack. “Seriously. I don’t want you here! Get the fuck out!”

“Come on, baby,” he grabbed my face and tried to kiss me, but I pushed him away.

“Jack! What the fuck! Leave me alone!”

The manager came back. “I’m sorry, sir, but you’re going to have to leave.”

“But--” Jack tried arguing.

“Or am I going to have to escort you out?”

“Fine! I’m leaving,” Jack glared at me, “I will talk to you.”

For the rest of my shift, I was able to work in peace, if you didn’t count the war going on in my head. I really didn’t know what to do about Jack. Part of me wanted to break up with him, but another big part of my loved him too much to do that. I took my work shirt off and grabbed my bag before saying goodbye to the manager and making my way back home.

I decided to take a walk instead of taking a cab again; I needed time to think, a ten-minute car drive wouldn’t be sufficient amount of time. Cars zoomed past me and I could smell the rain that was going to fall at any moment. I didn’t care if I would get soaked or not; I just didn’t care in general. There was nothing to care about. I was overthinking; overthinking everything. I was probably going to die, I could feel it, and there would nobody hold me and kiss me in the process. After having been in love, you don’t want to live without it anymore.

I approached the building and saw Jack pushing himself off the wall and to me. We went up the stairs and I thought for a second that he wasn’t going to say anything. But that was way too far fetched. Of course he would start arguing again.

“Ok, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I used you, but that’s not true.” He was trying to catch up to my pace.

“What else am I supposed to think, Jack? You took my virginity and the next day you lie to me about where you’re going, to meet up with another girl, who is actually one of my friends!”

“I didn’t plan to meet up with her!”

“Sure, I believe you.” I rolled my eyes, sarcasm dripping from my words.

“Come on, Isle, I met up with her because…" His voice trailed off and he looked at me, words no longer coming out of his mouth so smoothly. "Ummm…”

“Oh, you can’t think of an excuse? Too bad! At least you’re not lying when you aren’t saying anything!” I seethed as we finally got to the front door.

“Please, just let me explain--”

“Ok, sure, fine. Give me your key, I left mine inside.”

Jack handed me the key without hesitation and I stepped inside before I closed the door in his face. “Fuck you, Jack!”

I locked the door before he could find a way to open it. Now that I had his key, he would never be able to come inside again, unless either Cam or I opened the door. I obviously hadn’t left my key inside, I just needed him to give me his.

Cam rushed out of his room. “What’s going on?”

I looked at him and burst out in tears. There were too many emotions to keep in. He ran to me and tightly wrapped his arms around me before he slowly made us sit down on the floor. There was loud knocking and shouting coming from the other end of the door, but both Cam and I ignored it until it finally died down and stopped. My sobs were now the loudest noise in the room and Cameron kept pulling me tighter and stroking my hair, my head was pressed tightly against his chest.

“Shh, it’s ok,” he cooed.

“I fucking hate him!” I screamed.

“No, you don’t.”

I know, and that’s what makes me hate myself for it.