Hospital Beds and Memories

I was sat on the couch of the tour bus. “You didn’t have to cut the show short because of me.”

Jack looked at me like I had two heads. “You had three fucking seizures, of course we had to stop the show!”

After I had hit my head, Jack had thrown his guitar off and had jumped down himself. To save me from any embarrassment, and because he was really fucking concerned, he brought me backstage while other people tended to the other girl. There I had three seizures, the next one happening just a couple of seconds after the one before. But these seizures were different. They didn’t happen because I forgot to take my medication, but it was all the impact of the hard material hitting my head that made me spaz out.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled while convincing myself I wasn’t dizzy anymore and that the throbbing headache was just make believe.

Alex said something before Jack could continue telling me how stupid it was for me to aid the girl, “at least you helped the girl; she’s fine now.”

At least one of us was ok.

Jack ran his hands through his hair. “I still think we should go to the hospital.”

But I didn’t want to go.

He continued, “those seizures weren’t the seizures you normally have. Maybe you have a concussion, maybe you really fucked up your head, I don’t know!”

“I agree with Jack on this one,” Rian nodded, being the more responsible one of the group.

But I shook my head, disagreeing. “I don’t like hospitals.”

“That’s not true,” Jack pointed out and looked at me, “you don’t like doctors, you don’t have any troubles with being in a hospital itself.”

His comment only reminded me of the specialized doctor, Dr. Anderson. I was going to have to see him very often, and I didn’t even like the idea of that. Doctors were just really weird and creepy. They had to inspect your whole body, and I just hated it. The only doctor I liked was Val. She was trustworthy and I actually liked her.

“I don’t like doctors,” I corrected myself and glared at Jack.

Jack sighed and took his phone out of his pocket, scrolling through his contacts before calling someone. He kept eye contact with me while talking to the person on the other side of the line. “Hey… Yeah… No… She hit her head and had three seizures… I know… Really?... Ok… Bye.”

After that there were minutes of silence. My head felt like it was going to either explode or implode any time soon. I would have gotten up and walked away, but I also knew that if I tried I would lose balance and fall over in no time. Jack was right, I had to go to the hospital. But I didn’t want to. I would do anything to not go to the hospital.

Suddenly I heard sirens in the background; sirens that sounded way too familiar. I snapped my head towards Jack, making it feel like somebody was stabbing me right through my skull. He looked right back at me without any emotion, “you are going to the hospital.”

I just glared back at him. He knew I didn’t want to go, but he was still forcing me. Couldn’t he see I was literally terrified of having people I didn’t know care for me? These doctors literally could either end or save my life. Maybe they would change their mind and purposely make me die.

Zack noticed the tension and tried to make me consider things. “You don’t know what could have gone wrong. Maybe it’s for the--”

“No,” I said bluntly, not taking my eyes of Jack, who still didn’t seem to crack. I could see it was getting hard for him to not give in and let me have my way, so I want going to keep it up for longer. But there wasn’t enough time. The sirens were already outside the bus and I could see the flashing lights through the windows. I did not want to go.

But Jack had already gone to open the door. The paramedics came in and I looked up to see… Val? What was she doing here? She was supposed to be in Baltimore, were we that close? No, that couldn’t be, the tour was going further east again. What was going on! I had no clue where we even were, and now Val was here! This wasn’t good for my brain, not good at all.

“Will you go now?” Jack asked and pointed at Val. I nodded, but stayed seated. There was no way I was going to stand up without falling over.

Val raised an eyebrow. “You going to come, Ireland?”

I nodded again, but still didn’t move. Jack went up to me. “You can’t walk, can you?”

This time I shook my head, so Jack put one arm underneath my knees and the other one around me to support my back. He carried me outside, Val following us. I could hear the murmuring of fans who were still trying to see if they could meet the band. They were all a couple of feet away from us, giving the ambulance enough space, but I could just feel all the hate I was going to get, and it wasn’t pretty.

Jack put me down on the stretcher/bed thing and sat down on the side himself. If Val hadn’t been here, he probably wouldn’t have even been allowed to drive with me. For some reason paramedics never liked it when other people were there as well. I understood it if the patient was in critical condition and they had to do things to keep the patient alive. But in circumstances like this, it wouldn’t make a difference.

Val hopped in as well and closed the doors before turning to tell the driver we were ready to go. Just seconds later we were on the road with the sirens off. It was really awkward having two people look at me while I was lying down.

“So, do you want to tell me what happened?” Val looked between me and Jack.

I nodded and rolled my head so I was looking at her, “I’m sick, but I slept for quite a while and felt better. I wanted to see the show, so that’s what I did. All was going well, then there was this girl that needed help. Nobody was doing anything, so I went. The only problem was that because I was sick, I had no strength. Her weight was too much for me to hold, so we both fell back. I hit the back of my head against the stage and then hit my forehead against something sharp, which is why I have a cut on my forehead. I don’t want to talk about it anymore now. I’ll tell you anything else when we are at the hospital and alone.”

She gave me look before briefly looking at Jack and back at me again. I knew exactly what she was asking me; she was asking whether Jack knew about the leukemia or not. So, I shook my head. There was another reason why I didn't want to go to the hospital. I would have to tell them about the leukemia, and Jack would find out like that. There was no way I was going to allow that to happen. He would be devastated and get mad at me for not telling him.

We stayed quiet for the rest of the ride. Jack was holding my hand, letting me know that he wasn’t actually mad at me for nearly killing myself on accident. He was just always so worried about me, and I understood. I could only imagine what he would be like when he knew I had leukemia.

Val rolled me to the place she was going to inspect me at, and she sent Jack to the waiting room. Jack was going to argue, but I told him I was going to be ok with Val. I was really lucky. Val came here for a surgery she had to help with the next day. Jack only called her to see what to do, and she told him to take me to the hospital. When they found out we were in the same town, Val suggested she came. Just like Jack, she knew I hated other people doing tests on me.

“So, you haven’t told Jack, have you?” Val shook her head and sat down on the stool with wheels.

I actually felt ashamed. “No… I know I should… but I either chicken out or something interrupts us.”

“Do you want me to help you tell him?” She got a tablet out the record everything on.

“No, I should do it myself.”

“Promise me you will?”

I nodded. But was I actually going to do it? Yes, I was going to have to, but when? And how would I do it without him getting mad and upset? It was my own personal dilemma. All I could think about were the things that could go wrong, not the things that could go right. But there wasn’t anything that could go right! It was just going to be a disaster! Maybe I could keep it hidden from him a bit longer.

Val finished off and was ready to let me go. "So remember, you are going to start chemo as soon as you get back. Things really aren’t going well and this has to be tackled as soon as possible.”

“Yeah, even though I really don’t want to see Dr. Anderson, I will do it,” I said bye to Val and found my way to the waiting room, where Jack was waiting for me.

I turned the corner and saw him impatiently bouncing his leg up and down while looking around. Now was the time I was going to have to tell him. I was able to walk properly again, so I went straight for him and stood in front of him. He looked so relieved when he saw me, like all the worry in him just disappeared. Maybe I couldn’t do this. The way he stood up and hugged me made me rethink my decision. I was not going to tell him anymore.

“I thought something bad happened,” he sighed and kissed me, “please don’t ever do something like that again.”

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled for the second time that day.

“Don’t be,” he let go of me, “is everything ok?”

I shrugged, “I have a mild concussion, the cut will heal over time, and Val confirmed that I have the flu, so I’m sorry if I get anybody else on the bus sick. That’s about it.”

“Thank god. I really was scared.”

“I’m fine, don’t worry.”

Back then I really thought that I had made the right decision…