Hospital Beds and Memories

Jack was trying to shake me awake once again. It seemed like that was the way all my days started, or basically started five times. With the amount of times I fell asleep, Jack really did have to wake me up multiple times. This time, however, I had only been asleep for fifteen minutes, and it really wasn’t my intention to close my eyes at all. You see, the drive to the venue ATL would be playing at was only very short. I was fully up for talking with Jack that entire time, but my body seemed to think otherwise. If I wanted to -- even if I didn’t want to -- I could have fallen asleep at a construction site. My body just didn’t agree with my mind anymore. I couldn’t control my sleeping schedule.

“Hey, baby, we’re here,” Jack smiled as I opened my eyes and stretched out a little. He pressed the button to undo my seatbelt, and carefully moved it around me before letting go. “I know it’s the last thing you want to do or think about, but we have to rush to the gate unless we want to get mobbed by fans.”

“I just wanna go back to bed,” I grumbled and pouted at him. I couldn’t even remember why I had agreed to go with him. Well, I didn’t really have any other option, because Jack wouldn’t allow me to stay at the hotel alone, and I wasn’t just going to tell him I didn’t want to go anymore. Seriously, if I had said that, he wouldn’t even have considered going anymore.

“I know,” he gave me a sympathetic smile, kissing my forehead softly, “you can sleep in the dressing room, I’ll tell everyone to quiet it down.”

“But I was going to edit some of our videos.”

“Just do whatever you want to, ok?” He reached backwards to grab the backpack we had been using the last couple of days to carry everything we needed. After opening it and looking for something, he pulled out one of his old beanies, holding it out for me. “Do you want to wear this?”

I nodded and took it from him, putting it over my bald head. Even though I had been showing off that I didn’t have any hair in Disney World, I wanted to cover up this time. I didn’t know anybody except for Jack in the theme park, but many people knew me here. I wasn’t exactly afraid of their judgement, but I still wanted to avoid it if still possible. Of course they’d still be able to see how bad I was doing, but I liked to think of it as it being my safety blanket.

“Let’s go before the fans realise we’re in this car,” I mumbled. Jack nodded and rushed out his side, running over to mine and opening the door for me.

I tried my best to quickly get out of the car as he grabbed my hand so we wouldn’t lose each other. After slamming the door shut, Jack started speed walking, taking big steps, steps that were too big for me to keep up with. Fans started screaming out his name, causing him to speed up even more. I was basically running after him, every step I took making pain shoot through my legs, while the air in my lungs didn’t seem to be sufficient enough. But Jack just kept going, determined to enter the building as soon as possible. He handed our IDs and his backstage pass to the security guard. We were quickly let it, and Jack finally slowed down his pace again. I really couldn’t do this anymore.

I was gasping for air, not being able to breathe anymore. Maybe my mom had been right; maybe we should have listened to her; Maybe it would have been better if we went home straight away, and I just spent my last days in bed. As much as I loved Disney World, and as happy as I was about finally going, I couldn’t deal with this anymore. Everything hurt. Nothing was ok.

“Are you ok?” Jack panicked as he noticed how badly I was off.

I nodded. I had to do this for him.

He started leading the way through the venue, already having been at this place a couple of times before. They always had the same dressing room, so he was able to walk there without thinking too much. I just held onto his hand tightly so I would keep up with him and not slow down too much. Walking like this was slow for him, but it was already too much for me. Was I going to tell him, though? No. I was going to act like it was all fine and dandy.

Soon enough, Jack opened a door that had a piece of paper with the All time low logo printed on it, stuck to it. We were met with three excited guys who were happy to see Jack again after barely having contact with him for weeks. Alex was especially thrilled, running up to Jack to hug him like they hadn’t seen each other in years. I just stood there awkwardly, watching as they all greeted my boyfriend but didn’t even seem to realise I was there as well. I guess they couldn’t exactly recognize me anymore. While I used to be able to match Jack’s personality, I was now completely quiet. My hair no longer swept over my shoulder as I moved, meaning that it caught nobody’s eye. I had completely changed.

Eventually Alex saw me behind Jack and gave me a big smile, walking up to me and holding his arms out for a hug. As much as I wanted to give him a quick hug as well, I had to shake my head. “I can’t hug anybody, doctor’s orders.”

He frowned at me. “Well, that rule sucks. Why would they make you do that? It’s just completely unfair!”

“I basically don’t have an immune system anymore,” I shrugged and noticed everybody was now looking at me, just as curious as Alex, “even though you guys aren’t sick, I think, I can’t risk it. I don’t exactly want to have another chest infections, now, do I?”

“Of course not,” Rian replied before an awkward silence occurred, “you actually look really great, I would have expected you to look a lot worse. Jack’s been trying to bring us up to date.”

I decided not to take offense to what he had said, knowing it wouldn’t be worth it, and let out a laugh instead. “That’s probably the illusion of the beanie. They tried to get me to wear a wig, but I completely refused that.”

“You look great in beanies, though,” Jack complimented and kissed my temple while wrapping his arm around my waist.

“What would I have done if I didn’t?” I grinned up at him before looking around the place, finding a couch all alone in the corner, not surrounded by any other piece of furniture. “Well, I’ll just go and sit in a corner while you guys do whatever you guys do.”

“Ok, but you have to take your medication first.” He handed me the backpack, knowing there would be no point in forcing me to join him and hang out with the others. I wasn’t going to be any fun, and I was going to fall asleep anyway. It would just be better for everyone.

I held in a sigh and nodded, walking over to the table full of water bottles and junk food. As soon as I opened the backpack, I started looking at this list of medication I needed to take. Bottle after bottle was pulled out, only a couple placed back. I could feel the eyes burning holes into my back as the guys were surprised with how much I had to take, which was even more than the day before. I just tried to ignore it all, swallowing the pills three at a time. The whole water bottle was finished afterwards.

As soon as I heard movement and talking going on, I decided to take out my laptop and headphones before retreating to the couch, lying down on it and trying to get some editing done. Nobody seemed to be paying attention to me, so I took off the beanie so the headphones would fit more comfortably, plus it was getting pretty hot in here. At least Jack was having fun again being around his best friends and bandmates.

----

I didn’t know how late it was when Jack shook me awake, telling me they were about to go on stage. While I rubbed my eyes, I looked around, seeing that the others weren’t here anymore. My laptop had been placed on the table with my headphones lying neatly on top of it; somebody had obviously taken it away from me and put it away before I dropped it in my sleep. There were empty cans of beer scattered around the place the guys were sitting at before. I just hoped Jack hadn’t had too much to drink, since he was the only one that would be able to drive us back to the hotel. The entire crew had to pack up and leave to go to the next venue, and there was no way I was going to go into a taxi while feeling the way I did; I still had to be careful of any diseases I could get from being out in the public.

Without even saying anything, I got up. Too quickly, if I may add. I guess you could just say I was confused out of my mind. I couldn’t even remember falling asleep, making me feel so disoriented. Jack didn’t seem to notice, however, and just gave me a kiss before taking my hand and leading me to the stage. There were many people: support bands, crew, and the band itself, but I just felt like I was distanced from everything. No, not because I was a couple of steps away -- I was right in the middle of all the busyness -- but I just felt like I was observing, the sound kind of muffled, the images just a tad blurry. All my senses were messed up. I was numb.

Before I could even figure out what was going on, Jack was kissing me again before running out of stage. This was different than the signals I got before I had a seizure. This was way worse. I couldn’t control my actions, and sat down so I could see the entire show, the guys rocking out, but there was no sound. I didn’t even know what I was looking at. They were just figures in this silly little world I was in.

I felt tired, the flashing lights not fazing me, my sense of time completely gone. As I rested my head in my hand and my eyes started to slowly close, I knew what was happening.

I didn’t care if I was going to die here. As soon as my eyes would be fully shut, I would be gone, all the pain we be gone, I would finally be peaceful again. No more worries. I would have gotten to see Jack do what he loved one more time, I would be content. I didn’t even care about the consequences. Sure, the headlines wouldn’t be all too great, but I would finally be free again, not having to deal with this horrible illness that was killing me from the inside out. While my eyes were blocking out more and more light, everything seemed to get brighter.

A high piercing sound ran through my head as I was ready to collapse and let myself fall back.

“Ireland, no!” Was the last thing I heard Jack cry before I let the bright darkness consume me.