Breaking the Habit

-Michelle-
When I woke up, I was in bed, alone.
It was dark out now, and I could hear the TV in the living room.
I walked down the hall quietly.
Chester was sitting on the couch, asleep, TV still on.
I looked out the front window at the night around us.
I sat next to him, “Hey, why don’t you go to bed?” I asked.
He didn’t move.
“Chester.” I shook his shoulder gently.
He still didn’t move.
“Babe?!” I shook him harder.
This was the moment I realized he was ice cold.
“Chester!!!” I yelled louder, tears in my eyes.
I looked around frantically, trying to find his phone.
I saw a needle on the table, drawing my eyes to his arm, where I saw the tell-tale trackmarks in the bend of his arm, his belt still tightly wrapped around it.
“Oh my god!” I cried, undoing the belt.
I pressed my fingers to his neck, searching for a pulse, while frantically searching for his phone.
I felt a dull, slow thump against my fingers, and the panic heightened.
I found his phone on the floor, and quickly dialed 911.
“My boyfriend overdosed, please help me.” I cried.
“Calm down ma’am, what’s your address?” She asked.
“1493 Hudson Street.” I replied, shakily.
“Is he conscious?” She asked.
“No.”
“Is he breathing?”
I put my hand on his chest, “Barely.” I whispered.
“Okay, I’ve dispatched an ambulance to your address, they should be arriving in less than five minutes.”
I began to sob, “Okay.”
“What’s your name?” She asked.
“Michelle.” I replied.
“Michelle, how long has your boyfriend had this problem?” She asked.
“I don’t know, I had no idea he did this.” I replied.
“Okay, try to remain calm.” She reassured me again.
I heard the sirens drawing closer, and I couldn’t help but sob harder, “I’m so scared.” I whispered.
The red and blue lights illuminated the living room, and I heard the footsteps drawing closer.
I struggled to my feet and ran to open the door.
They rushed past me, and began CPR.
I scrolled through Chester’s contact list, calling Mike.
“Hello?” he asked sleepily.
“Mike?” I asked.
“Yeah, Michelle?” he asked.
“Yeah.” I replied shakily.
“Are you crying?” he asked.
I sniffled, “Yes, I’m so scared and I don’t know who else to call.” I said.
“What’s going on, where’s Chester?” he asked.
“He’s..” Sobs shook my chest, interrupting my sentence.
“Michelle?” he asked.
“He’s on the couch, unconscious. He overdosed.” I finally managed to say it, though it hurt.
“What?! He overdosed?! He said he was clean for good this time!” He exclaimed.
“I never even knew he did this.” I sobbed.
“Okay, okay, I’m on my way right now.” He said.
“We’re about to leave for the hospital.” I told him.
“I’ll meet you there, he’s going to be okay.” he said.
I hung up and wiped my eyes.
“Are you riding with us?” the paramedic asked.
I nodded, and the female paramedic helped me to my feet, “How far along are you?” she smiled kindly, trying to distract me.
“20 weeks.” I replied.
“Boy or girl?” She put her arm around my shoulders.
“Girl. We’re naming her Bailee Jade.” I said.
“That’s adorable. Is she your first?” She asked.
I nodded, “Yes. I’m nervous.”
Her and another paramedic helped me climb into the ambulance, and she sat next to me, “Hey, don’t look at him, right now. We’re going to do everything we can for him. Just focus on me.” She whispered.
“How many kids do you want?” she asked.
“We haven’t agreed on a number, just as many as we can, until we decide we’re done.” I said.
“I come from a family of twelve. Ten kids, and my parents. There was never a dull moment.” She chuckled.
“BP is bottoming, and pulse is slowing, we’ll need to step on it, Jeff!” The other guy yelled.
I gasped, grabbing his hand, “Don’t do this Chester. Don’t die on us.” I pleaded.
His hand was cold, and his lips were starting to turn blue.
“He’s flatlining, get the defibrillator!” He yelled.
“Let go of his hand, Michelle, the shock could travel, and really hurt you and the baby.” The lady said.
I dropped his hand, burying my face in her shoulder, sobbing.
“CLEAR!” they pressed the paddles to his chest and shocked him.
His body jerked, but went limp again.
“Charging, we’re gonna turn it up to 30.” He said.
I cried harder, barely able to breathe.
“Get me an oxygen mask, Phil, she’s hyperventilating.” The woman cried.
The fourth guy handed her a mask and tank.
She slipped the mask over my face, “Breathe and relax, honey.”
“CLEAR!” they shocked him again.
Again, he jerked, but nothing happened.
“Charging, turning it up to 50, this will be the last one.” He said.
I felt my chest tightening, and tried to breathe slowly.
“Hey, look over here.” She said calmly, “I think you’ve seen enough, why don’t you look over here for now.” she said.
I looked at her.
“I recognize you. You’re Michelle Kennedy.” She said.
“Uh-huh.” I nodded.
“It’s okay honey, we’re trying our hardest.” She smiled.
“CLEAR!!”
They pressed the paddles down and shocked him.
His body jerked, and his eyes opened, panic immediately overtaking him.
He looked at me, “NO.” he cried, closing his eyes, and turning his head away.
I reached for him, but he moved away from me.
“Start an I.V with some Petrifican.” They said.
He was sobbing as I reached for him again.
“NO!!” He cried, pushing my arm away.
We were at the hospital now, and the doors opened.
I flung the mask off and quickly got out of the ambulance, walking quickly away.
“Where are you going?” She called.
I didn’t answer, I kept walking.
Mike pulled up, jumping out of his car, he met me in the middle of the driveway, “Where are you going?” he asked.
“He doesn’t want me here, he’s made that very clear.” I said.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“He won’t let me touch him, every time I try, he gets angry and shouts at me. I’m not staying for this.” I told him, tears in my eyes.
He sighed, “He’s not angry at you, he’s angry at himself. He’s been hiding this problem from you since he met you. He never wanted you to find out, because he was afraid you’d leave him. He’s angry because you found out, and even more so because you had to find out like this.” he hugged me.
“I wouldn’t have left him, I would’ve supported him in getting help, I’ve been there too.” I whispered.
“He knew you didn’t do it anymore, and he didn’t want you to be disappointed in him, or worse, relapse.” he said.
“I have to say, I am disappointed. But not because he was doing it, but because he didn’t trust me enough to tell me, and letting me find out this way.” I wiped my eyes.
“He’s going to be okay.” He said.
“I’m glad, but I won’t be around to see that.” I turned and walked away.
“How are you going to get home?” He called.
“I’ll call my sister.” I said.
“Michelle, stop. Listen.” He ran after me.
I stopped, “What could you possibly say to defend him?” I asked.
“That this is exactly what he was afraid of, and exactly what you just said you wouldn’t do.” He said.
I just stared up at him.
“That’s his daughter you’re carrying. You’re the love of his life. He needs you now more than ever. Don’t let this tear you apart. He’s upset and confused right now. He’s already going to hate himself for letting this happen, and it’s likely that he’ll never forgive himself for it, but you leaving him, I am here to tell you, that will catapult him into a downward spiral that he will not survive.” he said.
“I’m supposed to be okay with the fact that he almost died tonight, because of a habit that I knew nothing about?” I asked.
“No. Nobody expects you to be okay with that, but I am asking on his behalf, that you forgive him for it, and love him through this problem, because he needs you to get better. The last time this happened, he did it on purpose, and we never thought we’d get him back from it. It took years, but he slowly returned to normal. Trust me, he’s not as bad now as he was then.” He said.
I was crying again, “I love him, so much. But I can’t do this. I’m not mentally equipped to handle this sort of problem right now. I’m not even physically able to handle my own problems right now. I don’t need this. I can’t do this.” I turned to walk away again.
“If you walk away right now, you have to promise me something.” Mike said.
I stopped walking and turned to look at him, “What?”
“You have to promise me, that when he dies, you’ll come to the funeral, and bring Bailee. And that you’ll tell her about him, who he was and how he loved her. He deserves that much from you.” He said.
“Why the hell would you make me promise something like that?” I asked, angrily.
“Because if you leave here tonight, that is exactly what’s going to happen.” he said.
“You don’t know that.” I shot.
“Because I’ve never seen him almost die before. Because I haven’t been the one in the ambulance praying that he doesn’t? Is that why I don’t know how this ends?” he asked.
“Fighting with me in the parking lot isn’t going to change what happened tonight.” I said.
“Then go in there and support him. Because that’s what he needs.” he said.
I turned around and started walking away again, “Call his dad. He doesn’t need me.”

I made it to the bus stop at the edge of the parking lot and dialed Chauntelle’s number.

-Chester-
They pumped me full of god knows what, and stuck me in a room by myself.
I was staring blankly at the wall, mentally kicking myself for letting this happen.
She wasn’t supposed to know, and this isn’t how I wanted her to find out about my addiction.
The door opened, and Mike walked in.
“She call you?” I asked, emotionlessly.
“Yeah, before they left the house with you. I met the ambulance here at the hospital.” He closed the door.
“Where is she?” I asked, finally looking away from the wall.
“She’s calling her sister to come get her.” he sat down in the chair next to me.
“I knew she’d leave if she found out.” I shook my head, trying to hide the tears on my face.
“I tried to talk her out of it, but the way you acted in the ambulance, made her think you didn’t want her here.” he said.
“That’s not what I meant by that. I was pissed off at myself for letting this happen. For her finding out like this. Of course I want her. I don’t want any fucking thing else but her and my little girl.” I said.
“She’s hurt by all of this. I tried, but she didn’t want to see you.” he said.
“She left me, Mike. She’s not coming back. I’ve lost her, my daughter, and my reason to live. I should’ve just died and saved everyone the grief.” I said.
“That isn’t true. Michelle is angry, she’ll come around. She’d never keep Bailee away from you.” Mike said.
“Why not? I’m worthless.” I said.

The door opened, and Michelle’s sister walked in, rushing to hug me, “Thank god you’re okay.” she said.
“Chauntelle?” I asked.
“What? We’re practically family now, and I care.” she stepped back.
“Where’s Michelle?” Mike asked.
“In the waiting room with Chris and your friends. She’s pissed off at you. But if I know Mickey, and believe me, I know Mickey, she’ll get over it in a few hours.” She said.
Just then, the door opened again, and Michelle walked in.
“Let’s give them a minute.” Mike told Chauntelle.
They left the room, closing the door behind them.
She walked right up to me and slapped me across the face, “How dare you scare me like that!”
I stared, open mouthed at her, saying nothing.
“I have never been more terrified in my life than I was tonight, and you want to push me away when I tried to comfort you?” She asked.
Blank stare.
Say nothing.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she sobbed.
“I didn’t want you to leave me.” I whispered.
“I wasn’t going to leave you for that, hell Chester, you know damn well I used to do it too. I know how quickly the monster gets attached to you. I know what goes through a heroin addict’s head. I was that person. I have been where you are now. I would’ve offered support in getting sober. I would’ve been there for you. Nobody was there for me when I did it. And maybe that’s why I kept doing it. But I am not going to let you end up dead because of this. I will not bury you, god damn it.” She wiped her eyes.
“I’m so sorry.” I whispered.
“Think about the fact that your daughter would’ve grown up without a father. You’d never get to meet her, or watch her grow up. She’d never know you, just know of you. Do you want your daughter to know you, or know OF you, Chester? When you answer that question, you’re choosing this life, or a life of sobriety with me and our baby girl.” She said.
“I want her to know me. I want her to have me there for her to watch her grow up.” I said.
“Then this ends tonight. I’m not losing you, I already came too close for comfort.” She stood up.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“I’m not going anywhere, I’m getting a tissue.” she grabbed the box and sat back on the bed.
“Michelle, I’m sorry. I want to get clean. I have wanted that since before I met you, but now I want it more than ever, because I don’t want to leave you.” I said.
She wiped her eyes again, “So, are we still getting married on Saturday?”
I smiled, “I don’t know, are we?”
She sat on the bed, “Of course I still want to, but I’m not going to unless you promise to get clean.” She said.
I nodded, “Hand to god, I’m going to get clean. I want this life. Our life.”
She kissed me, “If this ever happens again, so help me God, you’d better hope you die, because if you don’t I will kill you.”
I smiled against her lips, “Duly noted.”
“You’re a disaster.” she sighed, laying next to me.
“Very true. But starting Saturday, I’m YOUR disaster, until death do us part.” I laughed.
“Looking forward to it, almost as much as I’m looking forward to meeting our little girl.” She said, putting a hand on her stomach.
“Me too.” I covered her hand with my own, and kissed her hair.
“I’m sorry I put you through this. This is the worst time to stress you out like this.” I whispered.
“I’ll be fine. Bailee and I are pretty resilient.” she said.
“I was just going to get a fix and come to bed. I didn’t mean to do too much. I felt guilty doing it at all, and I guess that threw off my ability to measure it out.” I said.
“It doesn’t matter now. It’s over. We’re moving on.” she said.
“Can we move on?” I asked.
“Of course we can. We’re both okay, and we’re going to be okay tomorrow. We’re going to get married and have this little girl, and we’re going to get on with our lives.” she said.
“For me, this is going to hang in the balance for the rest of my life. Seeing the fear on your face when they brought me back, is something I will NEVER EVER forget, and then the pain in your eyes when I pushed you away, that hurt more than anything I’ve ever felt. I am never going to forget this night. Maybe I shouldn’t. It’s going to serve as a reminder that I almost left you and our daughter alone for a fix that I didn’t need.” I said.
“Finding you cold and unconscious like that, isn’t something I’ll ever forget. I’ll try, but it won’t happen. I’ve never been more scared in all my life, but I’m willing to see it as a learning experience.” She said.
“I want to go home.” I sighed.
“Me too.” She looked out the window.

We fell asleep on the bed together, and when I woke up, she was gone.
I looked around the room, eyes falling on a folded piece of paper standing on the table with my name on it.
I picked it up, and under it, was her engagement ring.

Chester, I love you more than anything in the world, but I think it’s better if we end this now, before one of us really does get hurt.
I want you to get clean, get better.
Because I’d never willingly keep Bailee away from you, but if you continue to do this, I’ll have no choice, because I refuse to put her in the same situation I was put in, growing up around drugs and possibly leading to something else bad happening to her.
This is what’s best for her, if anything.
My life has never been better since I met you, but tonight I was taken right back to a place I never wanted to be again.
This time, I was on the other side, but that doesn’t make it any less scary than it was before.
You’re a good person, and an amazing man, but you’re not who you need to be, right now.
When you get to that point, come find me, because you know I’ll be waiting for you.
But right now, I can’t handle this.
I’ve left my ring with you. Hold onto it until another time, or save it for someone who truly deserves it.
I’ll always love you, and if you never seek me out, I’ll understand. Just know that when you’re sober, you’ll be the best father our little girl could have.
Until we meet again,
Michelle Kennedy.

I felt the tears on my face as I flung the letter across the room, yelling out.
I buried my face in my hands, sobbing.
The door opened, and Mike walked in.
“I’m sorry.” he said.
“How could she do this to me? After we agreed to make things better, how could she just leave me?” I asked.
“She only came back in the first place to make sure you were okay. She was planning this all along. She told her sister that she didn’t want to keep living through this.” he said.
“So she came back, lied to me, and then left again.” I sighed.
“She does love you though. I know that. She’s just scared and hurt right now.” he said.
“She doesn’t care about me. She never did.” I snapped.
“How do you know that?” he asked.
“She runs away at the first sign of trouble, you don’t do that to someone you love. And now I’m probably stuck with her for the rest of my life because of our daughter.” I said.
“That’s how you see it? Stuck with her?”
“Yeah. She doesn’t want me, and I frankly, don’t want her either. We’re stuck with each other.” I said.
“You don’t really feel that way, you’re just angry.” He said.
“I have a fucking lot to be angry about.” I said.
He stood up, “YOU took her home that night at the party. YOU laid with her and made that baby, and YOU, hopelessly in love, asked her to marry you. YOU were going to marry her before today. You do love her. And this isn’t going to change that.” he said pointing at me.
“I was drunk at the party. So was she, and everyday after that, we’ve been acting like lovestruck idiots. For all I know, that baby could belong to the man she fucked the night before I met her.” I said.
“Take that back right now. You KNOW that baby is yours, and don’t you dare sit there and try to say she isn’t, or that you don’t care about her, because you do. You love her, and you love Michelle too. You’re doing to her, exactly what you didn’t want her to do to you. You’re holding the past against her, pushing her away. She’s gone, so now you think you can disrespect and degrade her. No matter what your problem with her is, she is still the mother of your child, and she deserves respect.” he said.
“She’s no mother. She’s a drunk slut who got pregnant doing what she does best, laying on her back and spreading her legs for whoever takes her to bed. If it hadn’t been me that night, it would’ve been some other poor bastard in this situation.” I said.
“Fine. If that’s how you really feel, then you won’t want anything to do with her or the baby.”
“I don’t want anything to do with them.” I said, looking away.

-Michelle-
My phone rang.
I wasn’t going to answer it, but I saw Mike’s name on the screen.
I sighed and picked the phone up, “Forget it, I’m not coming back.” I said.
“He doesn’t want you to.” he said quietly.
My breath caught in my throat, and tears welled in my eyes, “Good.” I tried to keep it together.
He proceeded to tell me everything Chester had said, about the baby not being his, and me being a whore, and it tore me apart, but I pretended I didn’t care.
“My dad was right. I don’t need him, and he doesn’t love me. Well since this will be the last time we ever speak, I wish you the best, and Chester too.” I hung up, and put my phone back in my purse.

I had Chauntelle drive me to the house, where I packed all my clothes and the baby’s stuff, and boarded a plane.
“Michelle, you don’t have to do this.” Chris told me again.
“Chris, I have to do this. I’ve been tearing up this state since I got here, but it’s time for me to go home.” I hugged him, and Chauntelle.
“I’ll call you in a few days once I’ve gotten settled in at Dad’s.” I said.
“Okay, take care of that little girl, and yourself.” Chris sighed.
“Of course. You two are flying out when she’s born, you know.” I said.
“We wouldn’t miss our niece’s birth for anything in the world!” Chauntelle waved as I walked away.

My dad was waiting for me, forgiving, at the gate.
He hugged me, “Hi Mickey.”
“Hi daddy.” I whispered.
“It’s gonna be okay, baby.” he picked up my suitcase.
“I know, it’s just hard admitting that I was wrong.” I said.
“I’m not going to do that to you, Michelle. I’m going to help you, and keep you and my grand daughter safe.” he said.
“I’m glad I’m home, dad.” I said.

-Chester-
Chauntelle called me to tell me that Michelle flew home to Chicago.
As soon as she said it, the facade crumbled, and I was heartbroken.
“Whatever.” I faked disinterest.
“I just wanted to let you know.” She said, hanging up.
I threw my phone on the couch, “Fuck this.” I said.
I went into the bathroom, and found my rigs, locking the door behind me.