Breaking the Habit

-Michelle-
He was already beginning to shake when we got in the car and headed for the highway, and I wondered just how long I’d have before he would have to stop.
“So, been the same old same old?” I asked, glancing at the map in my lap.
“Pretty much. This is the furthest I’ve gotten from my couch in the past two months.” he chuckled.
“Well, this is the best thing for all of us. Are you okay?” I noticed that he was sweating, and his hand in mine was clammy.
He cleared his throat, and nodded, “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little warm.” he turned the air conditioning on.
I offered him a bottle of water, “Here, get a drink.” I said.
He gulped the water, wiping his forehead with his shirt sleeve.
“How’s Bailee?” he asked, obviously trying to distract me.
“She’s good. She’s being still right now.” I said.
He reached over and put his hand on my stomach, rubbing it, “I’m glad you’re coming home.” he said shakily.
I sniffled, “We’re glad to be going home.”

Another twenty minutes later, he was shaking so violently, he was swerving.
“Pull over, I’ll drive.” I demanded.
He slowed to the shoulder, stopping the car.
He climbed out of the car, coughing and dry heaving on the pavement.
“Babe!” I ran around the car to him, kneeling beside him.
“I’m fine, I’m fine. I just need some fresh air.” he gasped, sitting up.
“You know what you need, and it isn’t fresh air.” I sat beside him against the car.
“I don’t have it. I don’t know where to get it.” He wiped his mouth with the napkin I handed him and took a deep breath.
“You have to do something, we’ve only been driving for three hours, and we have 27 left. You came here to so that I wouldn’t be making this trip alone. If we don’t do something, I might as well be alone, worrying about you, and trying to get us home as quickly as possible.” I said.
“Michelle, what are we going to do?” he asked.
I sighed, looking out over the empty fields around us, “I don’t know, I’m not even sure where we are.”
He looked out, “In the middle of absolute fucking nowhere.” he forced a laugh, looking over at me.
I smiled, “Bailee’s awake now.”
He put his hand on my stomach, “Hi baby girl. We’re gonna get you home, I promise.”
I got up, “Get in the car, we’ve got to keep going.” I said.
He got in the passenger seat and buckled his seatbelt.
“According to the map, we’re in Iowa somewhere. I’ll bet you can get some in Des Moines.” I pulled away from the shoulder and onto the highway.
“What?!” He asked.
“Chester we’re not doing this for 29 hours. You’re going to get help when we get home, you’ll go through this in a facility where you’’ll be monitored by doctors who are experienced and specialize in this. For now we’re going to get you what you need, just to get through. I can’t watch you go through this.” I sighed.
“Babe, I’m not going to do it in front of you. You’re an ex-addict.” He said.
“You don’t have a choice.” I didn’t look at him.
“It’s bad enough that I do it, and that you had to find out about it like you did, I don’t want you to see me do it.” He argued.
“Am I supposed to sit here and watch you go through withdrawals for the next 29 hours, and worry about you while trying to drive us home and deal with Bailee kicking because she knows that I’m upset?” I asked.
He sighed, “Maybe I should’ve let someone else bring you home.”
“William offered to drive me, but I knew you wouldn’t be okay with it.” I commented.
He looked at me, though I didn’t look back, “So you were fucking him while you were there.”
I rolled my eyes, “No. I told you we tried dating again for a week, and it never had a chance to get that far. He was just trying to be nice. But I knew that you wouldn’t appreciate it.” I said.
“Look, I trust you. We were technically split up, and you could do whatever you want, but after what he did to you, you tried to fuck him of all people.”
“I DID NOT TRY TO FUCK HIM!” I shouted, with tears in my eyes.
“I just kissed him, and that’s it. But like I said, it didn’t take long to realize that I wasn’t interested in him. My mind was elsewhere.” I finished.
“And where is your mind now?” He asks.
“Here. With you. Focusing on getting you what you need, and getting us home safely.” I replied.
“You have been the only thing on my mind since the last time I saw you. Every day I wanted to call and apologize, but I thought because you left, you didn’t want me, so I didn’t see the point.” He sighed.
“I felt the same way. Because we lied to each other, we spent all this time apart. It’s nobody’s fault but our own.” I replied.
“I’m just glad we worked it out, and you’re coming home.” He said, squeezing my hand.
“Let’s just hope we make it there with our sanity in tact.” I chuckled.
“We are starting to get on each other’s nerves a bit.” Chester said.
“A bit? You accused me of sleeping with my ex, and you think that’s just a little bit annoying?” I asked.
He laughed, “Okay. I crossed a line and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get worked up, my nerves are just shot.” He rubbed his forehead.
“I know, mine aren’t much better. I’m exhausted and your daughter is sitting on my bladder, but we’re only twenty miles from Des Moines, so I gotta hold tight until we get there and stop.” I said.
“Too shy to pee on the side of the road?” He laughs.
I joined in, “Not usually, but my balance is off and I’m not falling ass first into the ditch.”
“I’ll hold you up.” He offered.
I smiled, “It’s okay babe, I think I can wait until we stop, we’re not that far away now.” I said.

Ten minutes later, we pulled into Des Moines, and I went to the first gas station I saw to use the bathroom.
“I’m going to the bathroom, ask around while I’m gone. Someone around here has to know.” I got out of the car and went inside to the bathroom.
When I got back to the car, he was laid back in the seat with his arm over his eyes, bouncing his leg.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nobody knows where to find it.” he groaned.
“Okay, well, this isn’t the only shitty gas station in the city. We’ll try the truck stop down the way, I hear that truckers do it.” I started the car and headed down the highway.
I pulled into the truck stop, and parked.
“Okay, again, I’m going to get snacks this time, you do what you gotta do.” I got out of the car and went inside, grabbing chips, candy, soda, and a couple of corndogs.
When I walked back out to the car with a slim-jim in my mouth, he was sitting in the seat, hunched over.
I turned and walked over to the gift shop, browsing through the cute little trinkets and things, buying an Iowa keychain, an Iowa Hawkeyes sweatshirt, and another keychain that said Bailee, for when she was older.
I was looking through a travel guide when Chester came in, “Hey, what are you doing?” he asked, putting his hand on my stomach.
“Killing time while you did what you needed to do.” I answered, putting the book down.
“I’m better now, baby. Let’s go.” he kissed my cheek.
I put my arm around his waist, “I love you.” I laid my head on his chest.
“I love you too, baby.” he replied with a smile.

We got back on the road, he offered to drive while I propped my feet on the dashboard and reclined in the seat and listened to the radio.
“She likes this song, she’s kicking like crazy.” I giggled.
He put his hand on my stomach, feeling the baby kick.
He smiled, “That’s my little girl, she’s got good taste.”
“I’m still nervous about this. Having a baby. I’ve always wanted kids, but I’m just worried that I’ll be a terrible mother like my mom.”
“Not a chance. You have maternal instincts already, and from what I’ve heard about your mother, it will be easy to be a better mother than she was.” He said.
“I know that I’d never put her through what I went through. I really can’t wait to meet her.” I said.
“Me either. I know she’s going to be beautiful like her mother.” he kissed the back of my hand.

I fell asleep there, waking up when he stopped again.
“Where are we?” I asked groggily.
“Lexington, Nebraska. I have to use the bathroom. If I were you, I’d go too, because I’m not planning on stopping again until at least Denver.” he got out of the car and went inside.
I struggled to my feet and went inside.
I ended up with a fruit cup, a pint of ice cream, and two chicken legs when I went back to the car.
“Were you hungry?” Chester laughed, getting back in the car.
“Bailee was, yes.” I replied.
“Bailee huh? That’s your story?” he starts the car and pulled around to the gas pump.
“Yup and I’m sticking to it, so just go with it.” I spooned ice cream into my mouth.
He laughed, “Okay. I’m going to fill it up and then we’ll get on the road.” he kissed my cheek.
“How long have we been driving?” I asked.
“Ten hours. You were asleep for about five. I stopped twice and yelled at a douche in a Chevrolet who cut me off, and you never stirred.” He got out of the car and started pumping the gas.
“Well, do you want me to drive so you can take a nap?” I asked.
“No baby, driving is too stressful on you and Bailee. I got this. I figured we’d get a hotel in Denver and spend the night so we can both get some good sleep.”
“That’s another four hours, why don’t we just get a hotel here?” I asked.
He shrugged, “I guess we could.”

We got a room at the Holiday Inn, and he took our suitcases upstairs while I grabbed my snacks.
In the elevator he looked at me, “We haven’t shared a bed in almost two months.”
I smiled and looked down, “Yeah, but I wasn’t huge the last time.”
“That doesn’t matter to me, I still think you’re beautiful.” He smiled at me, and I melted.
“I thought we were going to sleep.” I told him.
“We are. But I thought maybe we could catch up first.” He shrugged.
The elevator dinged and the doors opened.
“Room 302.” He said behind me.
I walked down the hall, stopping in front of the door.
I put the card key in, and opened it.

He set the bags down on top of the dresser, and opened the curtains.
“Nice view.” he comments.
“Yeah, I didn’t know they had a lake here.” I dug my clothes out of the suitcase and went into the bathroom.
I started the shower, and got undressed.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Taking a shower, I feel gross.” I replied.
He looked me up and down, “Need a helping hand?”
I smiled, “I think I can bathe myself, thanks.”
“You sure? I’m very helpful.” He pulled his shirt over his head.
“Well, I suppose if you want to help.” I pulled the shower curtain back and stepped into the tub.
I heard his jeans hit the floor, and his roll across the floor.
The curtain opened again, and he stepped in behind me, putting his hands on my hips.
“Hey you.” he whispered.
“Hi babe.” I smiled.
He kissed my neck, “You wanna celebrate our reunion?” he whispered.
“I’d love to, but you have to be gentle with me, think about the baby.” I replied.
“Baby, I promise I’m not going to hurt her. Or you.” He pulled me closer.

After our shower, we got in bed and fell asleep, holding each other close.

My phone ringing woke me up the next day.
I looked at the clock, and it said it was 8 am.
“Hello?” I grumbled.
“Good morning princess.” My sister chimed.
“I should kill you.” I replied flatly.
“Why would you do that?” She laughed.
“Because it’s too early to be awake, and yet I am, thanks to you.” I replied.
“Oh it’s only 7 am, quit whining.” She scoffed.
“Where I am, it’s 8 am, and I had a long day yesterday, hence why I don’t want to be awake right now.” I said, sitting up.
“Where the hell are you?!” She asked.
“Lexington, Nebraska.” I answered with a yawn.
“Why the hell are you in Nebraska?!” She asked.
“I’m on my way home to California with Chester. I decided to go home and he flew out to drive me, since I couldn’t fly, and he didn’t want me driving 30 hours alone.” I explained.
“When did this happen?” She asked.
“Well, yesterday is when I decided to do it.” I said.
“Well I’m so happy for you guys!” She said.
Chester climbed out of bed and went to the bathroom.
“Thank you. We’re pretty happy to have each other back.” I said.
“Well, call me when you get there and let me know you made it.” She said.
“I will, we’re getting ready to get back on the road, we’re planning to be there by the end of the day today, but no later than tomorrow afternoon.” I said.
“Have a nice trip, I love you little sister.” Chauntelle said.
“Thanks, sissy. I love you too.” I said.

I got off the phone and got up out of bed just as Chester came out of the bathroom.
“Chauntelle?” He asked.
“Yeah. Checking on me. She was overjoyed to hear that we were back together.” I laughed.
“Glad I missed the screaming.” He sat on the bed, putting on his shoes.
“We need to get going, we still have 19 hours left to drive.” I said.
“I know. Let’s get some breakfast and we’ll head out.” He said standing and kissing me.
“What sounds good for breakfast?” I asked.
“I saw a Waffle House on our way in. Wanna stop there?” He asked.
I shrugged, “Sure. I think Bailee is on board with the idea. She’s kicking like crazy.” I said.
He put both hands on my stomach, “Are you hungry baby girl? Well, let’s get you and mommy some food.” He kissed the top of my bump.

We loaded up our stuff and stopped at Waffle House.
I was eating my waffle when Bailee decided to start kicking hard.
“Bailee.” I groaned.
“What’s wrong?” Chester asked.
“She’s having a fit for some reason.” I dropped my fork and pressed my hands to my stomach.
“Maybe she doesn’t like waffles.” He shrugged.
“Who doesn’t like waffles?” I asked.
“My daughter.” He laughed.
“She’s still again. But I don’t know what that was.” I sighed, picking my fork back up.
We finished our food and got back on the road.

Chester insisted on driving again, so I reclined in the swag, propping my feet up and stared out the window at the passing scenery.
“Are you okay babe?” He asked.
“Mhm, just enjoying the view.” I replied, smiling.
“So, I’ve been thinking,” he started, putting his hand on my leg.
“Uh-oh, that’s not good.” I replied, sitting up.
“Hear me out. When we get back home, I think we should go ahead and get married.” He said.
I adjusted my fat self in the seat, “You mean immediately?” I asked.
“Well, as soon as possible, anyway. We kept putting it off and things kept coming up that put it off more, I think we should just do it. You still want to, don’t you?” He asked.
“Oh of course I do. I just think we should maybe wait until you get out of treatment to it.” I said.
He smiled, “You don’t want to get married while you’re pregnant, do you?” He asked.
“What? Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Honey, if I do 90 days, I’ll get out right around the time Bailee is born. And you won’t be pregnant anymore.” He said.
“I already look like a cow, but that’s not why. I think we should have everything sorted out and you sober before we do it, that way we can start our marriage in a good place.” I replied.
“I just don’t want anything else bad to happen between now and then. I want this so bad, I can’t think about anything else. Now I have you back, and we’re having our little girl. But I want to marry you. I want to make you mine for real.” He said, kissing my hand.
“Baby, Nothing is going to happen to stop this. It’s going to happen, we just need to get it together and try and build a solid foundation for the marriage first. We need to make a home for our little girl.” I said.
“A wife and a husband make a home, not a guy dating a girl.” He answered.
“We’re engaged, or we were.” I replied.
He smiled at me, “Check my duffle bag in tje backseat. Front pocket.”
I dig through the bag and found the ring box that held my engagement ring.
“We’re still engaged baby. Put it on.” He said.
I slipped the ring on my finger and smiled, “Let’s just get home and get settled in, and we’ll figure it out from there.” I said.
He nodded, “If that’s what you want to do baby.”
“It is what I want.” I replied.
“And I’m ready to do what you want and what it takes to make you happy, Michelle.”

“Can you pull over at the next gas station? I gotta pee again.” I sighed.
“We just stopped twenty minutes ago.” he laughed.
“Tell that to your daughter.” I smacked his arm, laughing.
“She sitting on your bladder again?” he asked.
“Are you kidding? It’s her trampoline.” I groaned.

He pulled into a gas station in the middle of nowhere, and I waddled to the bathroom.
When I came back out, he was hunched over in his seat, and since I knew what that meant, I went back into the store.
“You guys got coffee?” I asked.
“Yeah, but I don’t think pregnant women are supposed to..”
“Zip it, Nick.” I said, reading his faded nametag, “I’ve been in the car with this kid sitting on my bladder and my husband driving me crazy for the past twelve hours, and I have seventeen more hours to go. I need caffeine. I haven’t had a cup of coffee since I got pregnant six months ago, and a little bit isn’t going to hurt her. I’m hoping it’ll put her to sleep so I can relax, now POINT ME TO THE COFFEE.” I snapped.
Frightened, he raised a shaky hand, pointing to the back corner of the store.
“Thanks.” I replied flatly, walking away.
I filled up a cup with black coffee, adding sugar, and walked back up to the counter to pay.
“Just take it ma’am. On me. H-H-Have a n-n-nice d-d-day.” he stuttered.
I just smiled and laid the five dollar bill on the counter, “No, no. I’m sorry I scared you. I’m just nervous and worked up right now. It’s not your fault. But unless you see a pregnant woman smoking a crack pipe or sticking a needle in her arm, don’t tell her what she should or shouldn’t do.” I turned and walked out.
Chester was leaning on the car, smoking a cigarette.
“Are you drinking coffee?” he asked, taking his sunglasses off.
“Yes. Don’t push it, I already put the fear of god in that kid in there over it.” I got in the car.
“If you say so, honey.” he got back in the car.
“Are you good?” I asked.
He started the car, “Yeah, for a little bit, I am. Should last until we get to Denver.” He headed for the highway.
“So, I meant to ask, how was last night?” he peered over his sunglasses at me.
I smiled, “Are you kidding? It was fucking amazing. After two months of nothing it was mind-blowing, actually.”
He grinned proudly, “So I still got it.”
“Don’t pat yourself on the back too hard, you’ll break your arm.” I rolled my eyes.
He put his hand on my leg, “What do you say after it gets dark, we try out the backseat?”
“We can try, but I’m enormous, and if we stain the seat, we’re paying for it.” I replied.
He just laughed, “Babe, I never spill, you know that.”
“Well, I guess that’s a good thing, considering I can’t get pregnant if I’m already pregnant.” I said.
“True. What worse can happen?” he asked.
“Don’t say that, there is plenty that can happen, just not that.” I commented.
“Sorry.” he said.
“I like road trips a lot more on a tour bus. NOT six months pregnant in a car.” I sighed.
“We won’t be making anymore trips for awhile, baby.” He said.
“We’re not driving to our honeymoon destination,are we?” I asked.
“No. We’ll fly. But we don’t even know where we’re going yet.” he said.
“Well, that’ll give us something to talk about on the phone while you’re in treatment. We can discuss wedding details and the honeymoon. And Bailee, of course.” I said.
“I’m really not looking forward to leaving you after I just got you back.” His smile vanished.
“You’ll hear from me every day, and you can think about the fact that I’m at home waiting for you, preparing our home for us and our baby girl. It’s all going to be worth it the minute she’s born.” I kissed his cheek.
“I’m afraid I’ll miss that too. I’m going for 90 days, which is dangerously close to your due date, given that she doesn’t come early. I don’t want to miss seeing my little girl come into the world, and the love of my life bringing her into the world.” he sighed.
“Look, I’ll cross my legs and keep her in there until you come home, deal?” I chuckled.
He smiled faintly, “You can’t do that, but I appreciate the suggestion.” I said.
“When you do see her, you’ll be sober. You’ll be the dad she needs, and the dad you’ve always wanted to be. It’s going to be worth it.” I said.
“I know, I’m just really not looking forward to withdrawals.”
“I’ve been there, and it’s sucks, but this is what’s best for our family.” I put his hand on my stomach.
Bailee kicked and he smiled, “And I’d do anything in the world for my girls.” Chester said.