Breaking the Habit

-Michelle-
I opened my eyes, blinking in the sunlight.
I was under Mike’s arm, his head resting against my bare back.
I was immediately overcome with guilt, once I realized I was naked in bed with Mike. Again.
I picked my phone up off the table to check the time.
It was six fifteen in the morning, and I already had four missed calls and several text messages from Chester.
“Hey baby.” Mike hugged me against him, kissing my neck, “Good morning.”
“Morning.” I whispered.
“You okay?”
I sighed, “You know the answer to that, Mike.”
“I know. I just wish there was a way to make you feel better.” He propped himself on his elbow and kissed me.
“You can, but when it’s over, I’ll just feel worse than I do right now. The guilt gets worse and worse every time I do it.” I said.
“I’m sorry, baby.” he whispered.
“Have you talked to Kayla at all?” I whispered.
“Yeah, I talked to her yesterday while you were in the bathtub. Told her I was sleeping on the couch and keeping an eye on you. She said that when she gets home, if you want her to, she can come stay too, and keep you company.” He said.
“No. When she gets back, you can both go home. I’ll be fine alone. I need to be alone.” I said.
“Michelle, I don’t want you being alone.” He said.
“I need to be, Mike. Like a bad child, I need to be put in time out to think about what I’ve done.” I sat up in bed.
“We did it. Together.” He said, tracing circles on my back with his finger.
“But we can’t be trusted alone together, obviously.” I looked down at my legs.
“I worry that if I’m left alone with Kayla, I’ll say something. Not out of guilt, but out of pity for her, because I really don’t love her, and I don’t want to hurt her by pretending that I do.” he said.
“You do that, and we’re both fucked.” I stood up, pulling my shorts on, and tugging Chester’s shirt over my head.
“I don’t love Kayla, but I care about her and her feelings. I don’t want to lead her along and manipluate her into believing there’s a future for us, when there isn’t.” He said.
“Well, there’s no future for you and I, either. If you choose to break up with Kayla to save her heart, then that’s on you. But don’t do it for me, because we both know that is absolutely pointless. Don’t tell her about us, because-” I paused, turning to look at him, “There is no us.”
He looked down, “I know there isn’t. But I don’t have any other reason to break her heart like that. I can’t do it if I don’t have a reason.”
“You don’t have a reason, Mike. Remember, when this is over, it’s over, and that’s that. I’ve got my daughter and my husband to think about. Losing them is not worth keeping this up.” I looked back at him.
“In my heart, I know that to be true, but in my mind, you’re mine. Even if it’s just for a little while, I want to enjoy it, maybe pretend that it’s going to last longer than three days, even if it isn’t.” he answered.
“And by doing that, you’ll be hurting yourself. By tricking yourself into thinking that it will last, and I will choose you over him. I won’t. I may have thought I had feelings for you, but I realize that it’s not real, all it is is sex. Comforting, but meaningless sex.” I opened the bedroom door and went into the kitchen.

I heard a phone ring, and reached for mine on the counter, but it wasn’t mine ringing, it was his.
“Hey baby.” I heard him say.
I started making coffee, trying not to eavesdrop, but hearing the whole conversation anyway.
“What?? Are you sure?” he asked.
I turned and walked into the hallway, peering down the hall into the room where he sat on the edge of the bed, still naked.
“How do you know?” he asked, not noticing me.
I inched down the hall, closer to the doorway, stopping to lean on the doorjamb.
“Okay, no I’m fine. Yeah, I’ll see you in a couple of hours. I love you too, Kayla. Bye.” he hung up and dropped his phone on the bed, dropping his head into his hands, “FUCK!” he cried.
“What’s wrong? Does she know?” I asked.
He shook his head, “No. She’s coming home today, because-” he stopped to sigh and look up at me, “Because she’s fucking pregnant.”
I gasped, “Oh my god, really?” I asked.
“Yeah. Said she’s been sick for the past four days, finally got the nerve to take a test, and it was positive. So she took a few more, and they were all positive. She’s coming home so we can discuss everything.” he said.
“Well, congratulations.” I said, sitting next to him.
“Yeah, thanks, but I can’t say I’m very excited.” he sighed.
“You should be, this is your baby. Irregardless of how you feel about me, and what we’ve done, that’s your child, and you should be happy. I already told you that there was nothing for us.”
“But there’s nothing for me and her, either.” he said looking over at me.
“There wasn’t. But there is now. You two are going to be sharing a child. Maybe it doesn’t work out for the two of you in the future, but you’ll have to be civil and get along with each other for the sake of your child.” I said.
He kissed me, pinning me to the bed, “One more time before it’s over. Please. We’ll never speak of it again.”
I stared up into his eyes, full of fear, worry and hints of lust, and I pulled him into a kiss, “Make it count, because it’s the last time, Mike.” I breathed.
“Last time. For real.” he replied.

-Chester-
My phone rang, and I dove for it excitedly, “Hello?”
“Hey Chester.” It was my sister-in-law.
“Chauntelle?” I asked.
“Yeah, I’ve been worried about you, so I thought I’d call and check on you, if that’s okay.”
“Oh that’s fine. No, I really do appreciate that. It’s just that right now, I’m worried about your sister. I’ve called her four times and texted her and haven’t heard back.” I sighed.
“If I know Michelle, she’s still sound asleep and can’t hear her phone. She’s fine. I went to check on her last night and she was just fine. Still a bit emotional and sobby, but she’s fine.” She said.
“Mike still looking after her?” I asked.
“He was there when I left.” She replied.
“I’m just glad she’s not alone. I’m glad someone is looking after her.” I said.
“Yeah, well, she’s safe, that’s all that matters.” She said.
“What’s wrong with you?” I asked, noting her flat, annoyed tone.
“I’m just tired. Work is really kicking my ass, and worrying about you and my sister isn’t really helping.” She forced a laugh.
“Well, I’m where I need to be right now, and Michelle is in good hands, being well taken care of.” I told her.
“I know. It’s just that you’ve both been through a lot, and I worry about you.”
“Well Chauntelle, we’re okay. I may be miserable, and she may be an emotional trainwreck, but once it’s all said and done, we’ll be one happy little family.” I said.
She sighed heavily, “Yeah.”
“What is the matter with you?” I asked.
“Nothing Chester. I’m glad you’re doing okay, though. I’m sorry if I bothered you. Keep trying Michelle, I’m sure she’ll answer eventually.” She said.
“Okay, I will. You didn’t bother me. It’s actually nice to have someone call and check in on me. Other than Michelle, I haven’t really heard from anyone else. Not even Mike.” I said.
“Mike knows you’re safe in there, he knows you’re going through a lot. He’s just focused on keeping her together for you.” she sounded angry.
“Well, I’m definitely going to owe him one when I get out of here for taking such good care of her.”
She laughed spitefully, “No. You don’t owe him shit. Just say thank you and be done with it. Look, I gotta go, I have a meeting in five minutes, but you take care of yourself, and we’ll talk again soon, okay?”
“Yeah, okay. Bye.” I hung up, very confused and dialed Michelle’s number again.
It rang three times, “Hello?”
“Hey, there you are. Sleep late again?” I asked.
“Yeah, crying is wearing me out.” She said.
“I’m sorry. You don’t have to cry though. I’m okay.” I said.
“I just miss you, that’s all.” She sighed.
“Aw, sweetheart I miss you too. You’ll never guess who just called me.” I said.
“Who?” She asked.
“Your sister, Chauntelle. Said she was worried about me and wanted to check on me. Isn’t that cool?” I asked.
“Well, Chauntelle does have a really big heart, and she knows how much you mean to me, so it is sweet that she’d check on you.” She said.
“Yeah. She sounded angry, but when I asked why she just said work and worrying was exhausting her. I told her she didn’t have to worry about me, because I’m safe as can be in here, and that you were in safe hands with Mike.” I said.
“She knows, but that’s never stopped her from worrying unneccesarily before.” She replied.
“Mike still there?” I asked.
“No. Kayla called and he had to leave. She’s on her way home from Vegas, and they have some things to talk about.” I said.
“Uh-oh, what’s wrong?” I asked.
“Well, for starters, she’s pregnant.” She said.
“What?! That’s great, I’m happy for them.” I said.
“Yeah, well. Mike isn’t very excited. He’s scared shitless.” She said.
“So was I at first, but now I can’t wait to meet our little girl.” I said.
“I told him he’d come around, he’s just got to warm up to the idea.”
“Speaking o four little girl, how is Bailee?” I asked.
“She’s still right now. But I just ate breakfast. She hasn’t been giving me too much grief.” She said.
“That’s good. I miss you both.”
“We miss you too, Chester. Very much. I’m hoping that sometime next week after you’ve come completely off the stuff, that I can come out and visit you, see you face to face again.” She said.
“I’d love that, baby girl. It’s been two days, but it’s already too long since I saw you.” I said.
“I feel the same way. I have a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday, we’re doing another ultrasound and I wanted to bring you some pictures of Bailee.” she said.
“Oh that would be awesome.” I said.
“I’m gonna be alone tonight, for the first time since you left, and I have to say, I’m not looking forward to it.” She sighed.
“Well why don’t you call Chauntelle? I’m sure she’d come stay with you.” I said.
“Oh no, I couldn’t do that. She’s really busy at work and I don’t want to burden her, as she’s already worried about me.” She said.
“You did say she is a big hearted person, I’m sure she’d be more than willing to look after her little sister.” I said.
“Oh no doubt. She’d be here in a heartbeat, I just don’t want to trouble her. I’m not her responsibility, I can be here alone, the fact of it is that I don’t want to be. Doesn’t mean I can’t do it if I have to. I’ll be fine, Chester.” She reassured me.
“Well if it gets to be too much, you call her. I don’t want you freaking out and being all alone.” I said.
“I will, I promise. I have to go, because I’m going to the grocery store to grab a few things.” She said.
“Okay, take care of yourself, and call me when you can.” I said.
“Of course, I love you babe.” she said.
“I love you too, Michelle.”

-Michelle-
I hung up, tossing the phone on the bed and looked at Mike, “You’d better get home before she does. I’ll be fine over here.” I laid my head back on his chest and he kissed my hair, “I know. I just really don’t want to leave you.”
“I’ll be fine.” I kissed him.
“Are you sure we can’t just do it one more time? Her flight isn’t leaving for an hour.” he said.
I shook my head, “No, Mike. It’s over and done with now.” I said.
He sighed, “Then kiss me again. I want to at least feel you on my lips one more time.” He pulled me into a kiss, rolling on top of me.
I gave in and parted my legs, locking my ankles around his waist I pulled his hips against mine, “Okay, one last time, and then you HAVE to go.” I said.
“I promise.” he said.
He bit my neck hard, and I cried out, “Mike..”
“I’ll always love you baby.” he whispered.
He pinned my arms above my head, slamming into me hard, “Remember, Bailee.” I whispered.
“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t dream of hurting either of you.” He kissed me again.
I pushed against his arms, but he pushed back harder, “Come for me, baby. One last time.” he breathed.
My legs quivered and I buried my face in his neck, letting out a moan as I came, my toes curled and I tightened my legs around him.
He went faster, fucking me harder, and I pushed against his hands again, pressing my cheek to his, I whispered in his ear, “I want it.”
He tensed up and then groaned as he released, pulling me into a kiss as he moaned into my mouth.
I whimpered, squeezing his shoulders tightly as he ebbed to a stop, panting on top of me.
I kissed him, “As always, that was amazing, Mike.”
“Good. Because the memory of this is going to get me through the rest of my life without you.” he petted my hair, staring lovingly into my eyes.
I smiled, and kissed him again, “We’ll be okay. We’ll always have July.” I whispered.
I heard a knock on the door, and Mike got up and quickly got dressed.
I put my clothes back on and went to answer the door.
“Hey.” I greeted Chauntelle.
“Chester texted me, said that Mike had an emergency and had to leave, asked if I’d come keep an eye on you, because he knew you wouldn’t ask me yourself.” she stepped inside just as Mike came down the hall, zipping his pants.
She groaned and looked at me, “Did you two just fuck again?” she asked.
I closed the door, “Yes. For the very last time. It’s over now, and we’re going back to our respective lives. Mike has bigger fish to fry now.” I said.
She shook her head, “What in the world could be more important than screwing my sister, that you’re supposedly “In love” with?” She sneered.
“Kayla’s coming home early. She’s pregnant.” Mike sighed.
Chauntelle’s eyes grew, “Well this just got more complicated.”
I sat on the couch, “Yeah. Chester said you called him.”
“Well don’t worry, I didn’t tell him anything. I just wanted to make sure he was okay, since apparently you don’t seem to care.” She said.
“I do care, Chauntelle.” I replied.
“Oh sure, that’s why you’d rather spread your legs for his best man than call and check on him.” She snapped.
“I did call him.” I said.
“No you didn’t. When I was on the phone with him, he said he’d called you four times and texted you over a dozen and you didn’t answer. And when he texted me just earlier, he said that he called you, not the other way around.” She said.
“I was going to call him right before he called me.” I said.
“Sure you were.” She rolled her eyes.
“Look if you’re going to sit here and make me feel like shit, then I’d really rather be alone.” I said.
“You should feel like shit. I’m just trying to make a point.” She retorted.
“Michelle, I gotta go. She texted me and said her flight just landed and she wants me to pick her up at the airport.” Mike said.
I turned around and full on kissed him on the mouth, “Okay. Bye Mike. Remember, it’s going to be okay.” I called after him.
Chauntelle rolled her eyes and retched, “You’re disgusting, Michelle. Can’t believe you’d do that to Chester.”
“Well it’s over now. It won’t be happening again, so drop it.” I sat down.
“I don’t care if it’s never going to happen again, I’m pissed that it happened in the first damn place, and that you’re just going to pretend that it didn’t. You had sex with another man, that’s wrong, Michelle!” She said.
“I’m very much aware of that, Chauntelle. I know I made a big stupid fucking mistake, but we both know it would kill him if he found out. And Kayla too.” I said.
“God, mom fucked you up more than I realized.” she shook her head.
“Yeah, she did. But I’m past the point of blaming her for my actions. I laid down and spread my legs, by my own choice. This is all on me. I accept that. But I can’t handle the thought of Chester hurting himself because of me. I don’t want to lose him, because, and I know you’re going to have a comment, but I really really, really do love him, Chauntelle. I want to be with him.” I said.
“When you love someone, you don’t fuck their best friend.” She snapped.
“It’s like I told Mike earlier this morning, it was comforting, but meaningless sex. It was for my nerves, which I know is selfish, but true. I don’t love him, I just used him. And yes, that sounds even worse than cheating in the first place, but I think we’ve established that I am an awful, horrible person. But underneath that, I do love him, and I don’t want to hurt him.” I said.
“You really are an awful person. But I guess I can respect the fact that you don’t want to hurt him for own selfish gain. But this doesn’t mean that I condone what you did, and if and when the truth comes out, I want no part in it. I will swear that I knew nothing about it. Because remember what Grandma used to say Michelle, Sins committed in the dark will eventually come to the light.” She said.
“I know, Chauntelle. Just for Chester, don’t say anything.” I said.
“Mum’s the word.” She sighed.
After a few minutes of awkward silence, she spoke up, “Well, now that it’s over with, I gotta know,” she started.
“What?” I asked.
“Who was bigger?” she asked.
I rolled my eyes, “Chauntelle Elizabeth.”
“What?! It’s a valid question.” she shrugged.
“Why do you care?” I asked.
“Because I’m curious.” She said.
“Curiosity killed the cat, you know.” I told her.
“True, but satisfactory brought it back.” She smiled.
“I am not telling you that.” I shook my head.
“Oh, come on. It’s harmless girl talk.” She said.
“No, because irregardless, I’m married to one of them, and I’m sure your brother-in-law wouldn’t appreciate me sharing our private business with you.” I said.
“Well fine, how big was the one you’re NOT married to?” She asked.
“Chauntelle!” I laughed.
“We talking average? Above average? Way above average? I know he wasn’t small, or you wouldn’t have screwed him four times in two days.” She said.
“Chauntelle, I am not discussing the size of Mike’s penis with you.” I said.
“Come on, I’m not getting anything, so I need to live vicariously through my slut of a sister.” She giggled.
“Chauntelle!” I cried, fighting laughter.
“Just tell me, I’ll never tell. Hell, I can’t because you, me, and Mike are the only ones who know about it anyway.” She said.
I sighed, “Fine. It was above average. There you happy?”
“No, I want measurements, inches, sister.” She said.
“Oh like I had a ruler and was measuring the length before he fucked me with it.” I rolled my eyes.
“You can gauge it from looking, believe me I know you’ve seen plenty of dicks in your life. Slut sister, remember?” she hugged me.
“I am not a slut.” I said.
“Pleeeeeaaaassseee?” she asked.
I sighed, “Fine. I’m gonna guess seven, eight inches, maybe eight and a half.” I said.
“Oh wow, that is above average.” She fanned herself dramatically.
“Shut up.”
“So is that bigger than what you’re used to? Smaller? The same?” she asked.
“Not happening Chauntelle.” I told her.
She started to argue, but someone knocked on the door.
I opened it to see Mike and Kayla.
“Hi, come on in.” I said.
Kayla walked past me without a word.
I looked at Mike, “You fucking didn’t.” I closed the door.
“I told you I couldn’t lead her on. I had to. She’s not going to say anything to him.” He said.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Kayla was standing in the living room, arms crossed, staring me down.
“Kayla, listen to me. I know we made a mistake, but it’s over and it isn’t going to happen anymore. I’m sorry, I never wanted to hurt anyone.” I said.
“Oh a fake apology and an empty promise is supposed to excuse the fact that you cheated on your husband, with MY boyfriend!” She cried.
“No, there is no excuse. I feel horrible about it, I really do,”
“Yeah, that’s why you fucked him three more times after the first time, because you “felt bad” about it. I’m so sure.” she said.
“It’s true. She didn’t want to do it again, I kissed her, and I instigated it every time.” he was lying and I knew it, but I said nothing.
“Sure, you kissed her, but she didn’t stop you. She still laid down and spread her legs for you four god damned times!” She yelled.
“Okay, enough!” Chauntelle said.
“Did YOU know about this?” Kayla asked.
Chauntelle sighed, “I found out this morning, and I was just as angry about it as you. But you know what I know, what we all know, and that is that Chester cannot find out about this, or it will kill him. She doesn’t want that.”
“Well she should’ve thought about that before she fucked his best friend.” Kayla said.
My phone rang, and all eyes fell on me.
“What are you waiting for, answer it, tramp.” Kayla snapped.
“Kayla shut the fuck up.” Mike told her.
“Yeah Mike, stick up for the little slut because you’re in love with her, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is just that, a disgusting slut.” she glared at me.
I hit talk, “Hey babe, this is a bad time, can I call you later?” I asked.
“Sure. Are you okay?” He asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just busy at the moment.” I said.
“Oh okay, sorry babe. I love you.”
I felt tears on my face, “I love you too, baby. Bye.”
“Lying bitch.” Kayla sneered.
“She does love him.” Mike argued.
“No she doesn’t.” Kayla argued.
“She told me not to tell you. She told me not to hurt you because she and I were never going to be together anyway.” He said.
“Well you did, and now you’re going to end up alone.” Kayla said.
“I don’t care, as long as you don’t tell Chester anything. Either of you.” He looked at Chauntelle, who shook her head.
“Whatever. I’m still keeping the baby, and I’m suing you for child’s support.” She glared at Mike.
“Do whatever you have to do, Kayla.” Mike shrugged.
“So, he said he was fucking you when my plane landed. Does that mean it’s not going to happen again?” She crossed her arms.
“It’s not going to happen again.” I said.
“Yeah, we’ll fucking see about that. Since apparently he’s in love with you.” She said.
“I’ll tell you like I’ve told both Chauntelle and Mike, it was comforting, but absolutely meaningless sex. It may have meant something to him, but it meant nothing to me, and it’s over now. For good. Call me a heartless bitch, and whatever you want, but I know where my heart is, where it has always been, and Mike knows it isn’t him. I guess he didn’t tell you that he tried to kiss me the night he met me when you were downstairs talking to Chester after we’d gotten into a fight. But why would he, right?”
“Michelle!” Mike shouted.
“Because that wouldn’t help the fact that he’s been in love with me a hell of a lot longer than he’s been fucking me, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Good luck sleeping with that truth on your shoulders.” I turned and grabbed my purse and the car keys, and walked out the door.

I knew where the facility was, but I knew I was going to get an earful for driving out there alone, and I couldn’t exactly tell Chester why I was so upset, so I opted to drive to the next town and get a hotel room.
I sat on the bed, staring at my phone, debating on the decision.
I ended up giving in, and calling.
It rang three times and then a deep voice, “Hello?”
“Raul, it’s Michelle Benni...Kennedy. Michelle Kennedy.”
“Damn girl, it’s been a long time, what’s up?” he asked.
“I need you to hook me up, like before.” I said.
“Oh yeah sure. Where are you?” He asked.
“Super 8 motel on Jessup Avenue. Room 212.” I said.
“Okay, I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.” he hung up.

I tossed the phone back on the bed, and started to cry.
Raul showed up a few minutes later, and we did the exchange.
I went into the bathroom, locking the door.
“I’m sorry baby.” I whispered, gently rubbing my stomach.
I drew the shot into the syringe and tied my arm off with a hair tie, until the vein popped up, and then instinctively, I stuck the needle in, pushing down the plunger.
Immediately, I felt the rush, and I relaxed against the wall, dropping the needle in the floor.
I felt the worry and stress dissipate, and I smiled as my heart raced.
I’d just cheated on my husband less than twenty four hours after our wedding with his best friend, destroyed a relationship, thrown two years of sobriety down the drain, and endangered not only my life, but my unborn baby girl’s life, and all I could do was smile.
I really was fucked up.
But I was starting to like it that way.