Breaking the Habit

-Michelle-
I’m sitting in the bathroom floor in my hotel room alone, with a needle in my arm and a bottle of liquor beside me.
I sighed and lit a cigarette.
It’s been two weeks since I left Chester, and we’d been talking on the phone back and forth every day for most of it, the days when I wasn’t at his house in bed with him.
I should’ve felt bad about the fact that technically I’m dating Mike now, still legally married to Chester, AND still fucking Chester regularly, but I’d just remind myself that I was a horrible human being, and that I still loved Chester, and then I wouldn’t feel so bad anymore.
I managed to keep my drinking under control when I was around Mike, only to go back to Chester’s to shoot up and get blackout wasted later on.

Today however, I didn’t have plans with either of them, because they were working together with the rest of the band.
I planned to spend my day in bed with my alcohol and tar, and lonliness to think about all the stupid, idiotic things that I’ve done.
Let’s just say, some people don’t need to be left alone with their thoughts and mind-altering substances for that long.

I ended up in the bathtub fully clothed with the cold water on, sobbing my heart out while vomiting up my guts, before I passed out.
When I came to, the water was still on, and I was freezing.
I could hear someone knocking on the hotel room door, so I managed to pull myself to a sitting position and turn the water off.
“Hang on, I’m in the shower!” I called, standing up.
I teetered a little bit, still slightly drunk, and stripped out of my wet clothes, wrapping my dripping hair in a towel and drying off.
I put on clean, dry clothes and answered the door.
It was my dad.
“Oh no.” I sighed, when I saw him.
“What’s happened to you, Michelle?” he sighed.
“Life happened dad. I’m just dealing with the hand I was dealt.” I said.
“Mickey, I don’t even know what to say to you.” he said.
“Tell me you’re going to either disown me or send me back to rehab.” I shrugged.
“I’m not going to tell you either of those things, because you’re an adult who can make her own decisions. All I’m going to say is, I wish you’d make better ones.” he said.
“I’m working on it, dad. I’m sure Chaun told you everything.” I said.
“You’re dating the guy you cheated on your husband with.” He nods, staring me down.
I sighed, “Yes. And we’re doing great.” I sat on the bed.
“Well, just be careful, Michelle. I don’t want anything else bad happening to you.” He told me.
“I’m fine, dad.” I pretended that I hadn’t just been drunk in the bathtub.
“Well, I just came to check in on you. I’ve got a flight home to catch, but I’ll call and check in soon, okay?” he hugged me.
“Okay dad. Don’t worry about me. I’m taken care of here.” I assured him.

He left, and I went back to the bathroom, locking the door.

Next thing I knew, I was waking up on the bathroom floor, naked and cold again.
I sat up and looked around trying to make out what happened.
“MICHELLE!” I jumped to my feet and slung the bathroom door open.
Nobody was in the room, but I heard someone knocking on the door.
I threw a shirt and shorts on and answered the door, “What the hell babe?” I asked.
Mike sighed, “I’ve been shouting for you for twenty minutes.”
“I was in a deep sleep.” I rubbed my eyes.
“Are you taking pills again?” he asked.
I shook my head, “No.”
“Did you get drunk and pass out?” he asked.
“That sounds more like something I’d do.” I replied with a shrug.
He sighed, “Baby, you’ve got to get that under control. You said you could handle yourself.” he sat on the bed.
“I can handle myself, it’s just when I’m alone with my thoughts, the demons tend to get very vocal, and start fucking with me. Alcohol seems to be the only thing that shuts them up.” I sat next to him.
“Maybe you should come stay at the house, so that you’re not alone so often.” he put his arm around me.
“I told you, I’m not ready to do that, yet. I know that we’re moving fast enough as it is, I don’t want to jinx anything like I did the last time.” I said.
“Well, the offer stands if you change your mind.” he said.
“I’ll do it when I’m ready.” I stood up and turned to go to the bathroom.
His eyes followed me, falling on the needle I left on the counter.
“What the fuck is that?” he asked calmly.
I turned and looked at him, then back at the counter.
“I can totally explain.” I started, closing the door.
He went past me and slung it back open, seeing the graveyard of empty liquor bottles, used needles and empty baggies on the floor.
“How long has this been going on?” he asked angrily.
I sighed, “Since the day after I lost Bailee.”
“What?! You’ve been doing heroin for nearly three weeks now?” He asked.
“Yes. We both started again after that.” I admitted shamefully.
“Chester too? What the hell has been going on behind my back?” he slammed the door and sat on the bed, his head in his hands.
“I’m sorry Mike, you know it’s a coping mechanism.” I tried to save myself.
“So you’ve both been on this? Have you done it together?” he asked.
I sighed, “Every day pretty much.”
“What ELSE have you two been doing together behind my back?” he looked up at me, the anger and hurt in his eyes breaking my heart.
“Nothing you want me to go into detail about.” I sighed.
He dropped his head again, “God Michelle, really?? You’re still sleeping with him??” he asked.
“It was only supposed to be one last time, but you know how that goes, especially with me. We’ve been using drugs and sex to numb the pain of losing our daughter. That doesn’t make it okay, but since I’m telling the truth here.” I shrugged.
“You haven’t changed at all from the person you were when I met you. If anything you’re getting worse every day. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to fucking trust you. You’re the same horrible human being you’ve always been.”
“Yeah, but I don’t make up excuses, I own up to my wrongdoings.” I replied.
“Well, that doesn’t make you a better fucking person.” he stood up.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Leaving. I should’ve known better than to think you actually loved me, or that we could ever have any type of a life together.” he shook his head and opened the door, stopping in the doorway to look back at me, “Go jump back in bed with him, where you belong. But when he beats the hell out of you again, don’t you dare come crying to me. YOU chose this.” he slammed it behind him.
I called Chester, crying.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked.
“He knows, Chester. He saw the bathroom, he knows I’m using again, and he knows that we’ve been sleeping together. He dumped me.” I sobbed.
“Hey, hey, calm down baby. I’m coming over, hang tight.” he said, hanging up.
Thirty minutes later, he showed up, walking through the door.
I was sitting in the bathroom floor, shooting tar into my neck when he opened the door.
He sat beside me and pulled me into a hug, while I started to cry.
“I’ve done it again, I’ve fucked everything up, like I always do.” I sniffled.
“Shh, it’s going to be okay.” he whispered, his thumb moving in circles on my back.
I curled up in his lap and cried until I thought I couldn’t cry anymore.
“Let me take you home with me, just to keep an eye on you for tonight.” he whispered.
I nodded slowly, “I think that’s a good idea.”
He carried me to his car.
I walked into the house and all the memories came flooding back.
I went to my knees, sobbing again.
Chester picked me up, carrying me down the hall to the bedroom where he tucked me into bed.
“Sleep. I’m going to call Mike.”
“He won’t answer.” I said.
“He will if he wants to know that you’re okay.” Chester stood up.
“Like I said, he won’t answer.” I rolled over and pulled the blanket up to my chin.
“Mike, hey.” he said.
“I’ve got her here with me. She’s fine, she’s having a nervous breakdown, but she’s safe. Dude I know you’re pissed at both of us, but you still love her and you’re worried about her. No I’m going to sleep on the couch. She hasn’t recently that I know of, no. Stop cussing at me god damn it, I’m trying to help her. Because I love her and I’m not going to leave her in that hotel room to kill herself. I know her, and that’s exactly what would’ve happened. Yes, she called me.”
I listened to the whole fight, staring at the wall.
“Well, I thought you would take care of her. Yes, I fucking know that this is my fault, but I’m not gonna let her fucking die.” He was getting angrier by the second.
“You should’ve.” I mumbled.
He shot me a dark look.
“You know what, I got this. Thanks for your concern for YOUR girlfriend.” he hung up, throwing his phone at the wall.
“You’d think he’d care more.” he sat on the bed.
“How’d you feel when you found out I cheated on you with him, and was in the hospital after using heroin?” I asked, rolling my eyes.
“I was absolutely fucking terrified, remember? I came straight home.” he said.
I sighed, “Yeah, you did. You were there for me, despite being mad at me.”
“Now THAT’S love.” he kissed me.
“I’ve got to stop fucking doing this.” I sighed.
“You know, you only reach rock bottom when you stop digging.” he said.
“By now I’m over halfway to fucking China.” I groaned.
“Well, I’m here with you, lending a hand to help you climb back up.” he told me with a smile.
“You sure? Chinese chicken doesn’t sound so bad right now. If I keep going we could be there in time for dinner tomorrow.” I said.
“Michelle, no. Stop digging, there’s nothing waiting for you in the bottom of this hole. Your life is up top.”
“Our life. The one I fucking ruined.” I started to cry again.
“Well, our life. But it’s not ruined. I rescued you and I’m going to take care of you until this nightmare is over. After that, what you do is your choice.” he shrugged looking down.
“I’m starting to think I made a mistake when I left you, thinking that I could do this on my own anymore. I can’t. In the time we were together, I became more dependant on you than I thought, and when I tried to live without you, I fell apart. Maybe I do need you, Chester.”
“But do you want me, Michelle?” he didn’t look at me.
“Of course I do. I always have, you know that. I just thought it was better for both of us that way.”
“Well, that doesn’t seem to be working out for you.”
“Nothing ever does.” I laid back on the bed, staring at the fan.
“Well, we never got around to filing for divorce.” he shrugged.
“We have to get help, Chester. We have to get sober for good, or we are never going to make it through this. We’re going to keep ending up here no matter what we do if we keep drinking and using.”
“I agree.”
“Even if it ends up not working out for you and I, I’d like at least have sobriety to fall back on.”
“Smart girl. Pretty too.” he kissed my forehead.
“Let’s take a vow,”
“Let’s not. You don’t have such a good history of keeping vows, honey.”
“Shut up. We both vow to get sober for ourselves, and stay that way for each other. Try and get our life back on track.” I continued.
“Okay, I vow to get sober for me, and stay sober for you.” he kissed me.
“And I, you.” he whispered.
“Get some sleep, Michelle. I’m gonna go get a shower and I’ll come to bed with you.
He kissed my hair.
I nodded, rolling over and pulling the blanket up ot my chin.

I fell asleep, waking up again when I heard the phone ringing.
Out of habit, I got up and answered it.
“Hello?”
“Michelle?” It was Joe.
“Oh gosh, Hi Joe.” I said.
“How are you doing? I’ve heard you two have been having a hard time.”
“Well, it hasn’t been easy, but we’re dealing. I’m really sorry to take him away from you guys.” I said.
“Don’t apologize to me. You are very important to him. He adores you and wants to give you the world.”
“I know, I just wish I didn’t have to make it so damn difficult.” I sighed.
“You say difficult. I say worth it.” Joe laughed.
“Chester seems to think so. Here we are in another great big mess that I made, but he brought me home, put me to bed and took care of me, like always. Mike hates me, my sister hates me, my dad’s disappointed in me, and my daughter is dead. I don’t understand why he continues to take care of me.” I sighed.
“Because Chester sees something in you that you don’t see. He sees the good person underneath all the troubles, he sees the light in you, that he’s never been able to find in himself.
You make him happy, despite all the troubles.” he said.
“Babe?” Chester called.
“Hang on a second honey.” I called.
“I’ll let you go, just have Chester call me when he gets the chance.” he said.
“I will. Bye Joe.”

I went down the hall, and opened the door.
“Where’d you go?” He asked, stretching.
“Phone call. It was your phone.” I sat on the bed.
“Who was it?” He yawned.
“Joe. Said to call when you had a chance.” I laid back down and pulled the blanket over my head.
“You okay?” He asked.
“I don’t know yet.” I replied.
“Well, what do you need to make you okay?” he whispered.
“Hold me, kiss me and tell me that it’s all going to be okay.” I said.
He laid next to me, wrapping his arms around me, and pulled me close.
“Baby, it’s going to be okay, I promise.” he whispered, kissing my cheek.
I smiled, “I love you.” I whispered.
“I love you too.” He said.
I rolled over and kissed him, “Why did I ever leave you?”
“Because you made a mistake, and you thought it would be better for us.”
“This is better for us. This, right here.” I whispered.
“I couldn’t agree more, baby girl.” he kissed me again.
Things started escalating, as the kiss turned into making out, taking off clothes, and him on top of me.
“We’re going on that honeymoon.” he whispered, kissing me again.
“Are you sure that’s appropriate?” I asked.
“Why wouldn’t it be?” He asked, looking at me.
“Because first of all, I cheated on you the day after our wedding, I used heroin while pregnant with our daughter, I left you after I lost our daughter, and have been sleeping with both you and your best friend for three weeks. I hardly think I deserve a honeymoon.” I shrugged.
“Everyone deserves a honeymoon. Everyone deserves to be happy, including you.” he pushed my hair out of my face.
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“Of course I am baby.”
“When? Where?” I asked.
“Italy of course, that’s what we agreed on. And I was thinking about leaving tomorrow.” He said.
“So soon?” I asked.
“Yeah, we’ve put it off long enough, like we put off getting married long enough.” He said.
“What’s Mike going to have to say about this?” I asked.
“What does it matter? You’re my wife, not his. It’s our honeymoon.” He kissed me again.
“Chester, I lied when I said I didn’t want another baby. I’m just scared after what happened. I do want to be a mom, more than anything in the world. Just maybe not now. Not until we’re sober and can stay sober for more than a few months.” I said.
“I understand baby, anyone would be scarred after what we went through. When the time is right, you and I are going to have many beautiful babies together.” he kissed me again.

We got up and he took a shower while I cooked the two of us breakfast.
I heard someone knocking on the door, and went to answer it.
“Hey.” Mike wouldn’t look at me.
“I’m surprised to see you.” I put my fist on my hip.
“I wanted to make sure that you’re okay.” He said.
“Chester told you I was fine, and I am.” I said.
“Look babe, I’m sorry I overreacted, I was just hurt and upset and angry. I love you and I didn’t mean the hurtful things I said.” he finally looked up at me.
“Well, I accept your apology, and appreciate it, but it’s over, Mike. I realize now that this really is where I belong, and he knows it too. Chester and I are leaving tomorrow to finally go on the honeymoon we never got to have, and we’re going to pick up the pieces and try and get our life together. We love each other and we need each other. I enjoyed our time together, and I care deeply for you, but what we had isn’t real. It isn’t like what he and I have.” I said.
“Michelle, please. I am so in love with you that it’s killing me, and I can’t take this rejection again. I’m so invested in you that there’s no way I could just let you go.” he said.
“You have to. We were just trying it out to see if anything could ever come of it, and now I know that it won’t. There will never be anything real between you and I. You can hate me, and I wouldn’t blame you, and if it’s what it’s going to take for you to let me go, then so be it. It’s over. I’m going on my honeymoon with MY husband, and we’re going to pick up our life together.” I shut the door in his face and went back to the kitchen.
“Who was at the door baby?” Chester asked, pouring himself a cup of coffee.
“Mike. He came to apologize to me and try and get me back, but I told him that you and I were going to work things out and we’re going on our honeymoon finally.” I said.
“I’m proud of you, Michelle. You finally know what you really want, and you’ll stop at nothing to have it. I love you, so much.” he whispered, kissing me hard.

The next afternoon, we boarded our flight to Italy, after both of us got a month’s prescribtion of methadone to try and minimize the withdrawal from the heroin.
We were going to drink wine, eat pasta and have sex in the Italian countryside for three whole weeks.

-Mike-
I went home, got drunk, cried and passed out on the couch.
A knock on the door woke me up.
“Hey. Why have you been crying?” Kayla asked.
“Michelle.” I started.
She sighed and sat down, “What did she do?”
“Well, things were going great between us, we were really making progress. But I found out yesterday that in addition to drinking again, she and Chester have both been using heroin again, and not only that, but she’s fucking him too. I was angry, and I told her off and left, then today I went over to apologize to her, but she shot me down. She’s gone back to him, and they’re going on their honeymoon tomorrow. I love her so much, but I’m so hurt.” I said.
“Mike honey, I’m going to start by saying, “I told you so” because I knew that she was going to do this to you. She is a terrible person, and this is what terrible people do. They hurt and use everyone who loves and cares about them, because they don’t care about anyone but themselves. You’re strong, and you have to try and get past all of this, get over her and move on. And when she comes crawling back, because we both know she will, you DO NOT let her back into your life, she will only hurt you again. You have to be the bigger person and tell her NO. She’s his problem, let him deal with her. It’s not your responsibility to pick her up every time he throws her out, or take care of her when she’s drunk and strung out. She’s an adult who can take care of herself.” she said.
“It’s easier said than done, Kayla. I love her, I have legitimate feelings for that woman, and I told her that I couldn’t take rejection from her again, but she did it anyway, and now I’m hurt and I don’t even know where to start to pick myself up and try and move on. She means so much to me.”
“You don’t mean shit to her. You were just an easy fuck for her to use and toss away. She used you for sex so that she wouldn’t have to go without after she left Chester. Mike you had to know that was all she wanted from you. She’s a slut, and she’s going to fuck him over again, but he can deal with it. He made this bed, now he has to lie in it with the slut he chose.” She told me.
I sniffled, “I need help forgetting about her, Kayla. I need you. I never should’ve let you leave to begin with, because you’ve been here loving me and taking care of me while I was off cheating on you and lying to you. I’m sorry.” I said.
“Hey, I’m here for you, for whatever you need, Mike. I love you and I love our son, and I’m willing to come back and be with you. But you have got to leave her alone. Don’t even talk to her anymore. She can’t hurt you if you don’t mess with her.” She said.
“I won’t. I’m finished with her. For good.” I said.

-Michelle-
We were ten days into our trip, and it was wonderful.
I was laying on a beach tanning, while Chester was swimming in the nearby ocean.
“Michelle come here.” He called.
“Babe, I’m trying to get a base tan.” I said.
“I want to show you something.” he said.
I walked toward him, “I wanted to show you this seashell I found.” he held it up.
“Oh wow that’s beautiful.” I smiled.
“I know, it made me think of you.” He said.
“You are such a cheese ball.” I laughed, kissing him.
“Why don’t we go back to the hotel room, so I can behold your beauty in all of it’s glory.” he ran his hand down my back, squeezing my ass and kissing me hard.
“Oh please, look at me, I’m getting fat from all the food we’ve been eating. I must’ve already put on ten pounds.” I pointed at my stomach.
“You do have a little pooch there. Looks like it did when you first got pregnant with Bailee. But I thought you were gorgeous then, and you’re gorgeous now, baby.” he kissed me.
I had a moment of panic, and pulled away.
“What’s wrong babe?” he asked.
I was having one of those moment where I was so scared I couldn’t move or talk, just frozen.
“Michelle?” Chester asked, his voice sounding far away.
“Oh no.” I finally managed to choke the words out as I looked down at my stomach.
“Baby, what is it?” he asked.
“Chester, we haven’t been using protection since I lost Bailee, and I haven’t taken any kind of contraceptive.” I said.
His eyes grew, “Babe, do you really think you’re pregnant again?”
I wiped tears from my eyes, “I don’t know. I’m so scared.” I sobbed.
“Well, let’s go get a pregnancy test and find out.” He put his arm around me and walked me to the car, shaking and crying hysterically.

While I sat in the hotel room, freaking out, Chester went to the nearest grocery store and bought three home pregnancy tests.
I sat there on the bed, terrified and overthinking about it, coming to yet another realization.
Not only had I been having unprotected sex with Chester, but Mike too.
If I was indeed pregnant, there was a chance that Mike was the father of my baby.
That only freaked me out more, sending me into a massive panic attack, sobbing, hyperventilating and feeling nauseous.
When Chester came back, I was curled up in the hotel room floor.
“Baby, baby calm down. It’s going to be okay.” he picked me up, and put me on the bed, brushing my hair out of my face, he wiped my tears.
“No it’s not going to be okay, Chester. We are not ready for this, we weren’t ready the first time and we’re not ready now, and if I’m pregnant, there’s a chance the baby isn’t even yours.” I looked right in his eyes when I said it, and immediately they grew with realization, the color drained from his skin.
He sat down next to me, “Oh god, I hadn’t pondered the possibility that he could’ve gotten you pregnant.” he whispered, looking at the floor.
“What am I going to do if I’m pregnant with his baby?” I asked.
“I-I-I-I don’t know.” He stuttered.
“What if I just don’t tell him?” I asked.
“Michelle, if you come up pregnant, he’s going to know that it might be his.” He said.
“But there’s a chance that it’s yours, too.” I said.
“It’s about 50/50 at this point.” he handed me the bag, “Go get it done, so that we know whether it’s a pasta baby or a real baby, and we can go from there.” He said.

I went in the bathroom alone, and closed the door.
I opened and took all three tests, laying them on the sink.
I stared at the floor, crying softly and waiting for the results.
After about five minutes, I forced myself to look.
All three tests had two lines.
All three of them were positive.
I broke down, sobbing.
Chester opened the door, “What’s the verdict?” he asked.
I looked up at him, “Babe, I’m pregnant.”