Carry Me Home

Listening to Avril Lavigne at full volume, because, let's face it - the early 2000s are when pop punk was at its best and brightest - and that's just what I wanted to be today: at my best and brightest.

I tried to untangle my earphone cable from my bag without disconnecting it from my phone. "Ah, fuck!" I said, quietly - and then realised it was maybe way too loud. One earphone ripped out of my ear and was dangling down and the cable came halfway out of the socket. A buzz burst loudly in my left ear and I winced whilst aggressively fighting to disconnect myself from the device and tangled wires.

Shaken up, my heart beating fast, I scowled at nothing in particular. I sighed. Well, I guess my day wasn't going to plan.

Some concerned mother ushered her three young children in closer to the pram she was pushing, throwing me a punishing glare followed by an old lady walking past wearing a long beige coat with a burden of plastic shopping bags and a loaf of french bread sticking out of one, who raised an eyebrow at me... and my embarassment set in. I was not at my brightest. Far from it.

"Lada lada lada dada la, lada dada lada dada lalala la la~ I guess I'm wishing my life away~ Yeah, with these things I'll never say!"

Whatever. I dropped my bag on the grimy pavement and started singing to myself crouched down, putting my earphones away. Now adopting a "fuck it, whatever will be will be" attitude, my new tune for today: go with the flow. That's punk, right? The time flashed up on my phone screen: 11:11. Make a wish! Closing my eyes I tightened my grip on my phone and wished for...

"Hey!" A familiar slightly high pitched voice lightly danced over a chuckle of laughter and I felt a hand push down on my right shoulder.

"Darren?!" I was so happy I almost lost my balance as I opened my eyes and threw my arms around him for the most awkward hug ever and my bag tipped probably 150 degrees sideways, a packet of chewing gum and god knows what else spilling out onto the concrete whilst I enjoyed his sweet blue scent and his tight embrace around me. I love you! I missed you! My god you smell so good! The same as I remembered... Can we stay like this for five minutes? I wanted to scream as my eyes were closed tight and we both stood up and let go.

For a few moments we stood lingering in each other's presence... then suddenly the cars started rushing past again and I could hear children shrieking and the wheels of a bicycle squeaking.

"Oh my gosh, look at all this!" Darren remarked and for a split second I thought he meant my outfit (which I especially selected to be as low-key and non-descript as possible) but then, I realised he was crouched down and picking up all my things off the floor. "What a mess!" He stood up and tried to dust off the back of my notebook in vain. He was wearing a white shirt, so I was worried.

It was actually my song book. A page fell out and he caught it immediately.

"Wait, what's this?" He started to peer at it rather scrutinously before retracting. "Oh, sorry. My bad. Can I read it?"

I smiled nervously, not remembering which song it was, "Yeah, sure!"

Darren gave me a twinkling glance and I felt my heart jump a bit and flutter back down as I tried to keep myself calm. I checked behind me for some reason. Maybe I wanted to make sure he really was glancing at me and not someone else... Well, there was no one there. Except a tree. And a Skittles wrapper blowing in the breeze like tumbleweed.

Even though I was freaking out about how many germs they were spreading, I started to put the rest of the things back into my bag.

"This is really good! I forgot how much I liked your songs. You should show me more some time. But... what does it mean here?"

Darren took a step closer to me, with his finger on my scrawly biro letters. Just like before, he had such smooth and perfect hands and I noticed he wore three silver rings.

Narrowing his eyes a bit he started reading, "You give me wings when I'm broken and bring the light when I'm hoping, an angel by my side, I want you here tonight..." Fixated, he read the words kind of slowly. Flushing cherry red and not entirely sure what those lyrics meant myself - except that they were blatantly about Darren, I fought to grab the paper and notebook back off of him playfully - but he wouldn't let go.

"Tell me, tell me!" he taunted, hiding the cursed notes behind his back. Frustrated I stood back and looked at him again to make some judgements about how to approach this forecoming lie. Maybe his face would give me some answers. But his wide open eyes swam only with innocent curiosity and I knew he actually had absolutely no idea what the damn song was about.

"Fine!" I sighed in defeat. "It's about someone who always helps out, like when a girl is down," I put my hand out to gesture for that said someone, "He is like... her light and hope, and she wishes to be with... with someone like that so she can shine brighter, always..." I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and praised myself on the somewhat ambiguous speech somehow delivered with 100% honesty. Almost.

"Wow, that's a beautiful song. Well, I hope the girl gets to be with that person in the end," he smiled and gave me the book back and tucked the paper carefully back inside the cover.
"Me too!"
I glanced at Darren sideways and he put his arm on my back and asked, "So, do you wanna get coffee?"
I laughed, we'd been standing out on the street for a good 10 minutes or so. For March it was kinda chilly and so it was really crazy of us to just be hanging out there like it was normal...
"Yes!" I started to walk towards the door of the shop, "I wanna drink some fluffy latte, like right now haha," I pushed the door open for him but Darren put his hand on it too.
"Yes, we can drink anything you like! But no words, Esmé, it's all on me today."
"What?!!"
"I said, no words!"
"Okay..."

And it's even all the small things like this which I really missed. Even his earring glinting in the faint sunlight. Even the edge of his jaw meeting his neck and how it moved when he talked... Everything. I wanted to enjoy 10 coffee shop sittings and binge out on my Darren time to play catchup. I wanted things I could never have and that was always the way and it was never going to change. I just had now. I had to find ways to appreciate the now.

"Esmé," a hand waved in front of my face, "Are you gonna order anything? Didn't you say you couldn't wait to drink a fluffy latte like, two and a half minutes ago? The waitress is asking," Darren looked to me and then to the waitress. The waitress tapped her pen impatiently.

"Ah, sorry, I was daydreaming.. I mean spacing out. Uh, I'll have a caramel latte, medium size and a chocolate brownie. Please! Oh wait," I lowered my voice, "What did you get?"
"A hot chocolate and a shortbread biscuit, because shortbread is the champion of biscuits." The waitress hurried away looking exasperated.
"No it's not! Oreo is the king," I fought back.
"Oreo? That's not even a biscuit, it's American."
"Why... wh-what?! Hahaha why does that make it not a biscuit?"
"I don't know, it's fake. Shortbread is the real thing, man."
"Shortbread is the real thing for short people, aka Darren cough I mean who?"
"You are so ... not even funny!" Darren shook his head and put the menu back in the stand. In all honesty he is literally only two inches shorter than me.

***

Darren doesn't use social media anymore. He took the great exit 3 years ago, a few months before I last saw him. So I had no idea what had been going on in his life really, past the odd small talk where I checked in and knew that he was "fine" and what kind of work he was doing or what album he recommended me to listen to next. We emailed (yes, I know) and I checked his blog and his Soundcloud posts, and we even Skyped a few times a year. And he was there for me in my hardest times, even when no one else was there. So, I felt involved and I thought I had a pretty good idea of what was going on...

But I guess I never realised not only how clueless I was about his life over the last few years, but also how excruciatingly absent I was from it all. It felt jolting. I had been deluded for so long - and the reality check hit me so fucking hard. Much harder than I expected.

***

"So, this is her," Darren leaned across the table as I tentatively nibbled my chocolate brownie and took a sip of my caramel latte that was almost too hot.

The burning heat felt like a soothing distraction of pain.

Pictures of mountains and rivers, sparkling sky blue and fresh spring green flooded my mind and I could taste the floral sweetness and feel the breeze in my blonde hair. But of course, there was that girl with her voluptuous flowing hazel hair and brilliant eyes and a dazzling smile staring back at me from Darren's phone screen that seemed more genuine than mine could ever be. "Francesca..." I said quietly to myself. She was so beautiful, like stars were dancing inside her spirit. Then I picked up my head.

"It seems like she is... you are perfect for each other," I stumbled over my words frantically and sat back again to get some distance.

She went camping with him to Devon and France with his family like he always talked about... like I always dreamed of doing. And she got to kiss him so many times, sweet and gentle lavender kisses like the one we shared in the hospital where we were both shaking and our lips trembled and mixed with our tears.

"I'm so... so happy for you!" I wiped away an imaginary tear of happiness with the back of my hand.

"I just need to go to the bathroom," and before I could say anything more, ignoring Darren's outstretched arm and concerned look, I span around and ran off to the ladies.

Slam. The door shut firmly behind me and I was alone. Barely able to see anything, my vision swimming, I leaned over the sink for support. And then I cried out loud. I cried and cried and pulled countless amounts of toilet paper which I scrunched up in my face, which was kind of rough, my makeup was ruined. I didn't care. I just had to get it all out. Everything made no sense. Why did I even care so much? I love Dem... I love Dem... I wouldn't even be with Darren if I had the chance. And of course, I wanted him to be happy. I needed to let go of my childish dreams that would never come true. This was so dumb. I was so dumb. I wanted to slap myself but I didn't. Instead, I splashed some cold water around my eyes and tried to dab the dripping mascara because I was starting to look like a gothic disaster. My breath felt sharp but the tears had stopped. With new found courage, I marched back out and into the café.

Bubbly chatting engulfed me with warmth and the smell of coffee and cake was comforting as ever. Then I saw Darren looking expectedly for me leaning a bit out of his seat, and my heart took another wound, it felt tighter in my chest. But I had the key to set it free, and I ran.

I ran over excitedly with fake happiness and enthusiastically scooched my chair in closer.

"Darren," This hurt. I hated being fake. Even if it was for everyone's happiness... or someone's happiness... someone I loved. Why was I being so embarassingly childish? I leaned across the table, my elbow almost in my brownie crumbs. "I never thought I would see the day you... you... you got mar-" I fought back another tear, "-got engaged, I really am so happy for you!" I held his hands gently and his eyes finally got some shine back in them.

"Thank you," he smiled and squeezed my hands just once and then we both resumed to sipping our hot drinks, almost cold "hot" drinks. It was so sweet, too sweet. He put his hand on my face, cupping my chin and I just stared at him again, as if this was normal. I didn't want him to let go, it felt so tender but I knew he should and would let go any second so I started to speak fast.

"Esmé, are you really o-"

"Remember," I cut him off excitedly, "remember when we had chocolate cake and ice cream for breakfast, and Jpeg ate the jelly?" I pulled up my happiest memories from our house party in 2010 and Darren let go of my face and seemed relaxed, "Yes! That was the best, Jpeg was so sick though haha..."
"And I was so sick!"
"That was bad. I was worried about you."
"You were so nice to me... you gave me your shirt and let me sleep on your bed. I felt like a princess."
"You were the princess. Everyone at that party was a monster. Including me," Darren rolled his eyes at himself.
"Darren that is not true, you were always sweet and caring."
"Hmm, it might seem that way, but I was terrible too, it's embarassing," he shook his head and I was conscious of how much I was admiring his sapphire blue eyes that matched his stud in his left ear. Did he notice?
"Yeah, you and me were so worried about your parents coming back..."
"Oh yeah! I almost forgot," he laughed.
"But then they came back and we were still cleaning up all the trash but they weren't even mad, remember?"
"My mum and dad are too nice," he mused and touched the cross around his neck and leaned back in his seat.

"Do you still go to church then?" I asked and drank a tiny bit of foam from the bottom of my mug.
"No... Well, not very often. Been too busy with work and my sister's kids and other things." Darren looked out of the window at the sky, and I noticed the clouds passing by slowly behind the trees. "But, I still believe in God."

I contemplated that thought as I ate up the rest of my brownie.
"So, if God exists, what does he want for everyone?"
Darren didn't even pause,
"He loves his children, so he wants us all to be happy. But of course some people have a lot to learn first."

I wasn't sure what to say. Another waitress came and took my mug and plate away. Darren had only half drank his hot chocolate so she left it after peering inside.

"So, when's this wedding, and am I invited?"

"It's in June next year and of course you are! Do you want to sing a song?"

"Oh my god! Of course! Ah, sorry... oh my gosh..." Embarassed, I calmed my voice down and played with a corner of the menu.
"It's okay, it doesn't matter, and yeah! You should sing something, one of your own songs!" Remembering the hope and light song, and all of my excitement for finally seeing Darren again today, my chest was about to burst in two.

"Yes, I will." Somehow I managed these words, like my own vow. A vow to our friendship. To a loyal friend who always stood by my side. Who became a stranger and got engaged to Francesca and now is asking me to sing at his wedding, and all I can think about is me singing a song I wrote about him whilst he is marrying someone else. And all the while I am still in love with someone who is stuck inside a hospital...

"Esmé, I'm sorry I disappeared..." Darren's tone changed completely. "I won't do this again. You're such a special friend to me. I want you to know - you are never alone."

This was a side of him I had rarely heard before. A voice so heavy and burdened with regrets. It was as if the weeds were suddenly peeking out of a wilted rose garden which I had only ever seen in full bloom.

"I should have been a better friend to you." I wanted to scream no but before I could get any words out, the quiet waitress came over and asked if we were all done. Darren shook his head, "I'm still drinking this," and she looked confused before walking away slowly.

I wanted to be happy for him, but how could I be happy when he wasn't even happy? Clearly.

This was painful in so many ways. Now, I just wanted to swoop in and save him. But he was fine. He wanted to save me. And soon I would be all alone, and none of this would even matter. None of this would even matter if we had never met, and I never found out anything about Francesca and if I never loved anyone... He pushed his chair out and stood up suddenly, his half empty cup and silver spoon rattled a bit on the white saucer.

"Sorry, I can't do this, I gotta go," he said, audibly holding back tears. I couldn't do this either... watching Darren almost cry in front of me, in front of strangers, in a café... I wanted to run and hold him, but I knew he wanted the space more than anything right now, so I just looked down at my lap and wished for some miracle to occur in a split second whilst my heart was cracking all over and choking me up.

"I really wanna talk to you later," he said a bit more stable but very rushed, "Properly. There's so much more to say. You know I... Here," he handed me a napkin with his number on it and a small smiley face like he used to use before emojis were a thing, like :D. And yes, prior to this, we had been communicating solely old-school-grandma-style via email and Skype.

I felt a familiar warmth flow over my heart. "Sure, I'll call you later okay?" I managed a smile at him, but it was wavering. He barely glanced at me and I saw a water droplet spreading on the paper and the last 8 of his phone number started to bleed and run. Who was crying? I touched my face. It was dry. He was gone.