Let Me Break This Awkward Silence

Chapter 19

Alyssa’s Point of View (Dec 23)

I woke up around eight from a dreamless sleep, well dreamless except for the nightmare anyway.

I walked out of my room to see Gerard walking out of the “Random” room. He looked not exactly surprised, but not expecting me up. He walked over to me and in a timid voice he asked, “You alright?”

I stared up at him for a moment before I attacked him with a hug, burying my head in his chest mumbling, “It’s you right? You’re not dead? This is real?” I tried to stop the tears that were threatening to fall, but out of all the things I could do, I couldn’t stop them.

He hugged back saying into my hair, “I’m not dead, I’m not planning on dying anytime soon.”

“Mom said that too, and looked what happened.” I muttered darkly.

“What happened to Amelia was an accident.” He said softly.

I pulled away and looked up at him, his short blond hair was messed up, dark circles penetrated threw the pale skin that both he and I shared, and his hazel eyes had a flood of different emotions, sadness, sympathy, pity, worry, and shame.

I took a deep breath before speaking, “They never told you what happened, did they?”

“Only that she died, killed really.” Gerard said softly.

I sighed before starting on the tale, “She was mugged, walking home from work. Some guy came out of no where and attacked her, taking her wallet, stabbing her in the stomach and leaving her for dead.” I started, sliding down the hallway wall. “He had our address Gerard; he broke into our apartment, while I was in it. The bastard tried to kill me, all because I was in my home!” I continued holding back sobs.

Gerard by then was sitting next to me, arm around my shoulders. “Oh God, Alyssa,” he started, not sure what to say.

“I let the guy who murdered my mother, GET AWAY!” I sobbed, yelling the last part. “All because, I was to damn scared to take him down myself! Now the fucking bastard is out walking the streets! All because of ME!”

“Alyssa,” Gerard started, trying to get my attention.

“And then when I saw the door busted down I just freaked, and then you were lying on the sofa with your stomach slashed to pieces-” I started before Gerard cut me off.

“ALYSSA!” He yelled turning me to face him, and when I did I saw that his face was becoming tear-streaked and paler then it usually is. “That was not your fault! It never will be your fault! Its mine, I never should have left her…” Gerard said sternly, his voice becoming softer with the last comment.

“No, you shouldn’t have.” I scowled, but continued with my tale none the less. “That’s why I didn’t come earlier, they wanted to ship me off, but some dumb ass therapist thought it would be better for me to finish out the semester with friends, keep me from getting depressed, you know? But then I turned into one of those people where you couldn’t be alone with your thoughts, otherwise they would just eat at you, telling you what you did wrong, what you should be, and what you’ll never be.”

I sighed after my rant, letting my head fall into knees, trying to control my breathing. I was then picked up and put into Gerard’s lap, “Alyssa look at me.” He said, after couple of minutes trying to calm himself down.

I looked up and stared at his red eyes, trying to figure out what he was thinking.

“This,” he started using his hands to gesture everything around us, “was not your fault. It never will be your fault. What happened was an accident, and if they told me any of this I would have been there in a minute. All they said was that my daughters’ mother died, and being as I was your father I was now your legal guardian. They said that for other matters I wouldn’t see you until December.

“I’ll admit I was a bit relived at this. Only Mikey and my parents knew about you Alyssa.” He admitted. I could very easily see a lot of shame in this confession.

I couldn’t help but be a bit angry at this, but I couldn’t be outraged, I knew it was true. If they knew, and by the amount of times I saw them in concerts, they would have recognized me, and somebody would have said something.

“So I still had time to tell them that I had a fourteen year-old daughter.” He continued, “It didn’t take long before they knew, Mikey over heard the conversation – we were on tour, so I was on the bus when I got the call – and I had to tell him, it took him a minute to remember you, counting this week, he has met you around three times, when you were born, our Grandmother’s funeral, and this week.” He stated after taking a minute to count.

“After that he was ecstatic, couldn’t hold it in, you should have seen him that night at the concert, he was acting like Frank, and he was all over the stage, just rocking out! It was amazing to see how much of an effect you had on just hearing about you. It gave me a lot more confidence about telling the guys about you.

“I told them that night once we were back on the bus, and it went over okay, Frank voiced what everyone was thinking, ‘Are you sure its yours?’

“I just froze. I didn’t know how to explain how I left you and Amelia the minute I found out.”
And then he froze for real, unsure if I knew the true story.

“I knew Gerard. When I asked about you, she told me that you couldn’t be with me now. It wasn’t ‘safe’ or some shit. She never told me that you would come into our lives or anything, because I think she knew that you wouldn’t.

“When Elena died, both of us were heartbroken. I remember her coming down every now and then and visiting us.” I said smiling at the memory of me and Kaysi, running home from school to see Elena at the table waiting for me.

Gerard coughed out a grim laugh, “You guys were the friends she went and visited? She never said who, no matter how much we begged…”

“Yeah, she came at least once a year, until…” I said letting the rest of the sentence hang. “I remember coming to Jersey for the first time – well, the first time I could remember anyways. God I remember the first time I met you. And I didn’t even know it was you until Mom told me…” I said remembering the funeral.

“You remember that?”

“Ten-years-old, going to a funeral for your great-grandmother… I think I would remember that. I remember everything about the church to the preacher to the anecdotes people said. But what I really remember was right after they put her in the ground, I saw you crying…

It was cloudy out, and it showed on everyone’s mood. No one was speaking, only crying or staring at something off in the way. No one could look someone else in the eye, or barely at someone’s face.

It was all too painful.

To know that that wonderful woman was gone. Leaving so many upset in her wake…

Even though it was quiet out, no one was alone. Even us; my Mom and I were with some of Elena’s friends, avoiding the others. Then I didn’t really understand, but now I did.

Except for him…

He was avoiding others too.

I thought no one should be alone right now. So, being naïve, I went over to him.

“Hey, don’t be sad mister.” I said to the man sitting in the corner, head in his hands, sobs rocking his body. “She went to Heaven, she’s with God now.”

He looked up and shock went through his eyes as he saw the girl who looked so much like himself, his ten-year-old daughter that he nearly forgot about.

He didn’t get to reply as I was soon whisked away by my mother. She stood there for a minute before saying, “Hello Gerard. I see you met your daughter, she really does look so much like you.”

I turned around and looked at him, after hearing the word, “daughter”. I ran back and hugged him.

I stood there for a moment before hugging me back.

“Hello Angel, what’s your name?” he said holding back sobs.

“Alyssa,”

“Well Alyssa, my name is Gerard.”

“Hi Gerard!” I said smiling.

“Gerard!” A new voice said. A tall guy with straightened brown hair, and thick rimmed glasses walked over and stopped dead in his tracks upon seeing me and my mom.

He stood there for a minute before saying softly, “Amelia?”

My mom stood there for a minute before smiling widely as she said, “Mikey!” and giving him a hug. “How are you?”

“I’m good, for the time being…How are you?” He said letting go of her and having her twirl around. “Lost that baby weight I see.”

“OhHah-haMichael,” She said mock glaring. “Still stick thin I see.”

“Is this her?” ‘Mikey’ asked looking at me.

“Yup; Alyssa, come here and meet Mikey.”

“Hi Alyssa, I’m Mikey.” He said getting down at eye level for me.

I pushed up his glasses and said, “Hi Mikey!”

He laughed, and asked, “Can I get a hug?”

“Sure.” I said before hugging him.

“She grew.” He stated pulling back.

“Well I would hope so Mikey.” Mom said smiling. “The last time you saw her she was what like seven pounds?”

“Not to mention she was like so small.”

“And that’s when you were thirteen.”

“Hey I was tall for a thirteen-year-old.” Mikey said defensively.

“Mikey you were tall for a freaking third-grader.” Mom said. She then looked up and saw some people whispering, pointing andglaring at us. She gave Mikey a hug and said, “It’s been nice, but we got to go.” And she ushered me away and towards the car.

That was the last time I saw them, well, before I started going to there concerts. That’s when I started asking about them, got their CD’s and started to realize why my father never found
me.

Even after the funeral, we didn’t hear from them.