The First Cut is the Deepest

While walking through the halls after lunch ended, word was still buzzing through everyone's mouth. I grinned in triumph. I think this was the best idea I've had so far. I made my way to my locker, skipping slightly.

I got to my locker and opened it, humming a random tune. I glanced at my wrist and gulped. I hadn't thought about cutting for a while now. I didn't have time to think about it. I readjusted my wristband and got my books for my next class period. I closed my locker and started to make my way to my sixth period class. The halls were nearly empty except a few girls about to pass by me. The second bell was going to ring, so I quickened my pace so I wouldn't be late. That is, until, I caught the last few sentences of what those girls who passed me said.

"Can you believe that? That's so embarrassing, don't you think?" one girl said.

"Right? To be embarrassed like that, it's like a burn mark. Even if it's true or not, this will still linger out there. Everyone will remember this. Things like this don't just die down just like that," the second girl said with a snap of her finger.

"I know. I feel bad for Will. I pity him even. The whole school knows about it now. How terrible..." the third girl said.

I didn't realize I stopped walking and just stood there. The bell rang but I didn't notice it as I was in deep thought. The girls scurried off to class, leaving me all alone in the hallway. I couldn't stop the memories from flooding into my mind.

"Oh my gosh, Erin! Ethan just told me he liked me!" I exclaimed on the phone.

"That's great!" she exclaimed back. "Did he ask you to be his girlfriend or something?" I could hear the excitement in her voice.

"No, not exactly. But guess what?!" I practically screamed into the phone.

"What?!" she screamed back.

"He did ask me out on a date!" I squealed. Erin squealed as well and I heard the faint sound of her jumping up and down on her bed.

"I'm so happy for you!" she said. "When and where?!" she quickly asked me.

"Well, actually, it's tonight at six. We're going to meet at the park and then maybe watch a movie or something. My mom is actually going to let me out."

"Oh my gosh! What are you going to wear?" she asked. Oh crap.

"I... I don't know! Erin, come over my house, please! I need help deciding what to wear!" The second that last word was spoken, I heard the dial-tone over the phone. She was on her way. I waited impatiently for her to come. And when she finally did, she instantly went straight to my closet without a simple hello. "Well, hi to you too," I said sarcastically.

"Oh, hi," she mumbled, digging through my clothes in my closet. I rolled my eyes and sat on my bed, waiting for her to pick out my clothes. "Okay. Wear these." Erin threw some clothes at me. I looked at the clothes and examined them. She picked out a pair of dark skinny jeans and long-sleeved red shirt. "Oh! And it's a bit cold outside, so wear these as well," she said as she threw a black coat at me, along with a white wool scarf. "Hurry up! Put it on!" she ordered me. I rolled my eyes and pushed her out of my room. I quickly put on the clothes and gently wrapped the wool scarf around my neck. I grabbed a few essentials like my phone and money and placed them in a bag. I opened my bedroom door to see Erin sitting on the floor, a bored expression on her face. She stood up once I opened the door.

"Okay, thanks for picking out my clothes, but I think I need to go now," I said as I tried to walk around her. She grabbed my arm before I could go far.

"Wait!"

"What?"

"Makeup," she said simply. I rolled my eyes.

"It's fine," I said, dismissing it with my hand. "I don't need it."

"I know, but you'd look even prettier with it. He won't resist you," she said with a grin. I blushed.

"Okay, fine. Only a little though," I replied as she pulled me back into my room.

"Right, right," she muttered. She sat me on my bed and got to putting makeup on my face. She listened to me and didn't overdo it. She put eyeliner, mascara, a bit of blush, and some lip gloss on me. When she was done, she practically shoved me out of my own room. "Now, go. Before you miss the bus," she said. I nodded quickly.

I said a quick good-bye to Erin, Eric, and my mom, and left my house, making my way to the nearest bus stop. I waited only a few minutes before the bus pulled up in front of me. I got in, paid my fare, and sat down towards the back of the bus. I noticed a few of Ethan's friends on the bus with me. They were laughing and giggling to themselves. I rolled my eyes. Every so often, they would stop laughing, turn around to look at me, and then they would start giggling again.

I tried to ignore them, but it was kind of hard since they were sitting not too far from me and I had this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I tightened my coat closer to me as the bad feeling in my stomach increased. When I saw my stop coming up, I stood up and waited by the door. Once the door opened all the way, I quickly got off the bus. I turned back around just in time to see Ethan's friends burst into laughter as the bus doors closed.

I sighed and turned back around. I took a deep breath and walked towards the park. I sat down near a bench and waited. And waited. And I waited until it got darker and darker and the air turned into a crisp cold. The frost bit at my exposed skin. I could tell that my nose was red without even looking at it. I rubbed my hands together, trying to get some feeling back into them. My fingers were starting to get numb. I knew I should have brought a pair of gloves with me.

My head instantly perked up when I heard footsteps. I was greatly disappointed when I saw it was just somebody going for a night jog. I sighed and looked back down. Before I knew it, I felt hot tears falling onto my cold hands. I had been stood up.

I slowly started to stand up. I straightened my clothes and walked to the nearest coffee shop, which was five blocks away. The tears were still falling from my eyes. The wind would quickly dry them, making my face even colder. I got to the coffee shop and noted that the place was called Charlie's Cafe. Before I walked into the cafe, I quickly dried off my cheeks with the sleeves of my jacket. I pulled the scarf closer around my neck, secretly hoping it would choke me to death.

I sighed as I pulled open the door. The smell of coffee almost instantly met my nostrils. I breathed in deeply and walked up to the counter to order.

"Hi. What would you like to order?" the girl asked me.

"Anything hot. It doesn't matter," I muttered quietly.

"O-okay..." she stuttered. "For here?" she asked me.

"Sure," I muttered, looking down. She rang up whatever she ordered for me and I paid for the amount. I didn't really care what I paid for at the moment. I got my change and sat down at a table near the back. I could feel the heat radiate there more than the whole place. I slowly took off my scarf and jacket. As I waited for my drink, I looked out the window. I was pulled out of my thoughts when the same girl who took my order brought my drink to me. She also set down a blueberry muffin in front of me. "I didn't order this," I said to her.

"I know. It's on the house. You look like you could eat something," she said with a warm smile. I cracked a small smile back.

"Thank you," I murmured. She nodded and went back to work. I sighed again when her back was turned. I started to pick at the top of the muffin, slowly eating it. "I..." I whispered to myself. "...got stood up..." Maybe saying it out loud would help me try to get over it. I took a sip of the hot coffee, letting the liquid burn down my throat.

It was almost time for the cafe to close, but I was still there. I had finished my drink and muffin a long time ago so I resigned myself to staring out the window. I finally tore my eyes away from it and looked around. There were only about three other people still here. I looked at the empty mug in front of me and then I completely broke down.

I covered my face with my hands and I felt my sleeves start to soak up with my tears. I didn't care if I looked like a wreck or that my makeup was smeared beyond repair. I just continued to cry and cry in the back of Charlie's Cafe, hoping no one could hear me or see me.

The next day, I confronted Ethan before class started. I pulled him away from the same group of friends I saw on the bus yesterday.

"What happened yesterday?" I asked him under my breath.

"Oh, that?" he shrugged and continued to speak. "That was nothing. You actually believed I liked you? How pathetic! How long did you wait at the park, by the way?" he asked loud enough for anyone near us to hear it. He had a sadistic smirk on his face. I felt all the blood drain from my face. I glanced all around me and saw most of the hallway staring and listening to us. "And now that that's done," he said as he turned around to his friends - who were upperclassmen - and spoke to them. "Am I part of your group now? I did your dare. I'm a part of it now, right?" His friends grinned.

"You're definitely in," one of them said, patting him on the back.

I just watched as Ethan joined the "popular group" and got patted on his back by all the guys. He had just used me to get into the popular group in front of so many students. It might as well have been the whole school though with the way news traveled around this damn place.

Ethan looked back at me. "Sorry," he said without much sympathy. He wasn't sorry. Not even a little bit. He didn't care at all.

The bell rang and everyone went their separate ways to their classes. I just stood there and from the corner of my eye, I saw Ethan and his friends full-out laugh, others snickered to themselves, and others looked at me in sympathy and pity. I didn't need their sympathy or pity. I didn't need any of that.

All I needed was one swipe. Just one swipe to clear my mind and heart of everything.

I covered my mouth and leaned against the lockers. I closed my eyes and felt a tear fall down my face from the memories. I let my mind think over everything. I remembered that day so vividly. When I got home that day, I did one swipe of that razor blade against my wrist and I felt... better. I pushed those thoughts out of my mind and thought of the situation at hand. I knew I had to do something. I knew what rumors did to people, even if they were true or not. I couldn't go around spreading rumors and lies like other people. I wasn't like that. I wasn't like them. I didn't have it in me. I would feel too guilty and right now, I was feeling pretty guilty. I had a feeling though that Will would jump on a chance to spread a rumor like how I did with him and he probably wouldn't think twice about. This is what made me different from Will though. Will and I were completely different and I felt bad now about spreading that rumor.

I knew what I had to do. I had to apologize to Will.

"Shit..." I cursed to myself as I rubbed my forehead.


I felt like shit as I walked into my dorm room after school. Way to make me feel bad about this, Will. I flopped onto my bed and covered my eyes with my forearm. Everyone was obviously still talking about what happened at lunch today. I groaned at the thought.

I should have been happy this happened since it all went according to my plan. I imagined it perfectly in my head and it all happened. I never expected to feel like shit right after it happened though. I groaned again and rolled over in my bed. I mentally prepared myself for the confrontation that was sure to happen as soon as Will got here. I cringed at the thought.

I heard the door open and I groaned again. I sat up in my bed, facing the door. It was better to face this sooner than later. Before I even got a chance to say anything, Will spoke up first.

"What the fuck was that all about?!" he screamed at me as he slammed the door shut. I winced. "I can't believe you did that, you little bitch!" he screamed even more, coming closer to me. I flinched as I saw him raise his hand towards me. I prepared myself for the blow, but it never came. I peeked one eye open and caught him standing at the front of my bed, his fist in mid-air, his jaw tight. He slowly lowered his fist and walked towards the kitchen. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat down at the counter and drank it. I watched him for a few seconds before speaking up.

"Aren't you going to me hit?" I asked him. I noticed his back stiffen.

"Do you really want me to?" he seethed, taking a swig of his beer. I gulped.

"I'd rather you not," I replied. He laughed bitterly.

"Then shut the fuck up," he said, gripping the neck of the beer bottle tightly. I swear he could have broken the bottle already. I didn't say anything for a while until after he finished his beer.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered. I wasn't even sure if he heard me.

"What?" Will snapped, turning around to face me.

"I said, I'm sorry," I said a bit louder, cowering away slightly.

"What are you sorry for exactly?" he asked, tossing the bottle in the recycling bin. I gulped and gripped my bed sheets. I hated doing these kinds of things. I hated feeling vulnerable. And at this moment, I was feeling mighty vulnerable.

"I'm... I'm sorry for spreading that rumor about you..." I said, not looking up to see his reaction. A few seconds passed before he spoke up.

"Why are you apologizing to me?" he asked me. I scoffed.

"Are you seriously asking me that?" I retorted.

"Yes, I am. From all the shit we've done to each other, why are you suddenly apologizing to me now?" I opened my mouth to speak, but then closed it again. I had to think about it for a few seconds.

"That wasn't the right way to handle things," I said finally.

"What happened to you?" he asked incredulously. "When did we start to apologize to each other?" I shrugged.

"Hell if I know," I replied, looking away from him.

"That's a stupid excuse."

"Fine then." I whipped my head towards him. "I just don't want you to have to go through that shit."

"That shit? The rumour, you mean?" he asked me and I nodded. "Why?"

"It's a personal thing, okay?" I snapped. Will scoffed and turned away from me.

"Whatever..." he replied. An awkward silence grew between us.

"Are we okay then?" I asked hopefully. Will glared at me. "Okay, not yet then." I waited a few more seconds in silence.

"We're okay," Will finally spoke up. I stared at him in shock. Did I really just hear that come out of his mouth?

"Really?!" I asked in surprise. He groaned.

"For now. I guess I kind of deserved that for tripping you earlier," he trailed off.

"Well, it's fine since the rumor I spread about you was worse," I said with a cheeky grin. He groaned again.

"You better hope this rumour dies down or you better sleep with one eye open," he threatened me. I gulped.

"It'll die down..." I turned my head away from him. "...hopefully," I muttered to myself.

"Well, okay then," Will said, obviously unaware at the last part that I said. Another silence loomed over us.

"So..." I started. "Was I right and do you really have a small di-" I never got to finish what I wanted to ask.

"NO!" Will yelled at me.