The First Cut is the Deepest

Ever since I passed out and Annabella found out about my iron supplements, she had been treating me delicately. Sure, we didn't talk much, but when we did, she would treat me as if was a delicate, wilting flower. I wasn't a damn flower! I won't break if you accidentally bump into me! Since she was being so careful and worried about my health though, she decided to make me her mom's special soup, high in iron or something. I wasn't complaining about the food part though. And who knew she could cook? She was even more damn perfect.

Anyways, when she brought the food over to my room for me, she dropped it off when Will and Chris were about to start rugby practice and right before I was about to leave to take pictures of them. Screw the pictures though. I got food. I couldn't turn down food. I took a spoonful of soup in my mouth and it was pretty effing good to say the least. It was like she put crack in it, because I couldn't get enough of it. I decided to eat only half of it though, so I could save the rest of the deliciousness for later.

"Oh my gosh, Annabella! This is so good!" I exclaimed while I rubbed my stomach. "Tell your mom she knows how to make amazing soup and that she taught her daughter well," I said with a laugh. Annabella laughed as well.

"Thanks, Nicole. That's very sweet of you," she said as she leaned on the counter with her forearms. I shook my head.

"It's true," I replied. After a minute of two of silence, she spoke up.

"Um, listen, Nicole," she started. "Will and I have been together for a long time now. And I don't want anything to come between Will and I's relationship," she said. I stared at her blankly.

"O-kay..." I said slowly, wondering where this conversation was leading.

"What I'm trying to say is, do you have feelings for Will?" she asked me. I stared at her in shock. Was she seriously asking me this question?

"W-what?" I asked.

"Do you have feelings for Will?" she repeated. I had to actually stop and think about that question. Just a week ago, both Will and I shook hands on trying to forget that memory that happened two days prior to that. Every single night though since that incident happened in the bathroom, I've been thinking about him. Did I have feelings for him though?

"I," I started. "I really don't know what to say, because I don't know," I said. And I was being completely honest. I didn't know if I had feelings for him or not. "I don't know," I said again. I saw Annabella purse her lips before she spoke up again.

"Okay then," she said while she stood up straight and dusted off her school skirt. "Well, I guess that's it then."

"That's it?" I questioned. I expected some more questions or something.

"That's it," she confirmed. I nodded slowly.

"I guess I'll give this container back to you when I'm done then?" I asked.

"You can just stop by my room and give it to me. But if I'm not in my room or if I'm busy, just leave it at my door," she said. I nodded.

"Okay then. Thank you for the food. I guess I'll see you later then...?" I asked more than stated. She nodded as she grabbed her bag off the counter.

"No problem, see you later," she said before she left my room. As soon as the door was closed behind her, I exhaled the breath I didn't know I was holding in. I placed my hand on my heart and realized my heart was beating terribly fast. I don't know if it was because of what she was asking me or if it was because I was seriously thinking about Will while she asked me that question. I tried to brush it off as I covered the food and grabbed my camera. I made my way to the field to take more pictures for the PJY club.

As I got to the bleachers, I saw Annabella already sitting on the side of the field, waiting for the boys to start practice. Marissa had texted me earlier telling me that I needed individual shots of the captain and vice-captain, a shot of the two of them together, and then the whole team together, as well as shots of the coach and the assistant coach.

Right before they started practice, I made my way over to the whole team. "Hey, Will. I need to take some pictures of you and the team," I said. He glanced at me and then at Annabella. She nodded at him with a small smile.

"Okay, do you need us to be in our rugby uniform?" Will asked as he gathered up the team.

"Yeah, that'd be great actually. If it isn't too much of a hassle for you guys," I said with an apologetic smile.

"Just give us about fifteen minutes for everyone to get their uniforms and put them on," Will said before he told everyone to get their uniforms. I watched as everyone, even Will, scattered off to the dorm buildings to get their uniforms.

After everyone was changed into their rugby uniform and fixed their hair and whatnot, I started giving out instructions to them. "Okay, first, let's take the team shot," I said as I organized everyone to get into two rows, the front row on their right knee with the back row standing. "Will, I want you on the left side standing. And you, Chris, I want you on the right side standing as well. Oh, and the coach next to Will, and the assistant coach next to Chris. Beautiful," I said as I took a shot. "Two more shots and then the individuals of Will, Chris, the coach, and the assistant coach," I said before I took two more shots. "Looks good," I said as I looked at the pictures. "Okay, let's start with the coaches." I took individual pictures of the coach and the assistant coach and then a few of them two together. "Will and Chris, you guys next," I said as I called them over. I arranged Will and Chris next to each other for their shots. It was quite adorable to take their pictures. Not only were they captain and co-captain, they were best friends. After taking three shots of them two together, I started working on Chris' individual shots. "Chris, give me a goofy face," I said as I took a picture of him pulling a face. "Now, laughing," I said as I goofed off. "Last one, smile!" I exclaimed as he smiled wide. I took the shots and looked back at the pictures. "Perfect, Chris. You look good," I said.

"I always look good," Chris said as he popped his shirt collar. I laughed at that.

"Oh wow. Get out of the way, so I could hurry up with these pictures of Will," I said with another laugh. Chris laughed as he went to change back into his regular practice clothes, just like the rest of the team. "Okay, Will. Let's get this over with," I said. He scoffed as he fixed his hair. I held up the camera to eye level to check the shot. Will wasn't even smiling. "Are you going to smile?" I asked him.

"Oh, shut it. I was getting there," he said.

"Uh-huh. I'm sure you were," I said as I rolled my eyes. I brought the camera back up to eye level to take the picture. "Smile, Will," I said. And slowly, but surely, he started to smile. I hesitated before I took the shot. I rarely saw him smile like this and it was nice to see it. "Do you want to do a goofy face?" I asked.

"Sure, I guess," he said. I really wasn't expecting him to do it, but he did. He pulled this really goofy face that I never thought I would see on him. It even made me laugh. I quickly took the picture before he stopped.

"Perfect," I said with another laugh. "Last one. I want you to laugh, Will. Can you do that? I know that's difficult for you to do..." I trailed off as I tried to get him to laugh. He just glared at me. "Oh, come on, just laugh. Would it help if I told you something embarrassing about myself?" I saw a look of thought flash over his face.

"What do you have?" he asked me. I scratched my head, trying to think of something. When I thought of something, a smile formed on my face. I then proceeded to tell him of this one time when I was talking to Erin and I turned around and ran straight into a stone pillar. In front of a group of attractive guys. Will burst out into laughter before I could even finish the story. And so, I took the shot before he stopped laughing.

"Perfect," I said again. "You're all done now," I said as I shooed him off. He rolled his eyes and headed towards Annabella. He gave her a quick peck on the lips before he headed out to the locker room to change his clothes. It took all my might to not look disgusted. I don't know why, but that conversation I just had with her made me a bit annoyed. And after seeing that kiss, it just pissed me off even more. "Perfect, just perfect," I said sarcastically as I looked at the last picture of Will. His laugh was cute. I glanced back up just in time to see Will emerge from the locker room. I glanced at him and Annabella before I turned away. I walked back to my dorm room before I could hate them even more for being too damn attractive and just too damn perfect together.

And to get rid of my annoyance, I finished off the food that Annabella made me. Other than cutting, food was my comfort. Once I hit the bottom of the container, I was sad to say no there was no more left for me to eat. I sighed as I licked my spoon.

Damn perfect soup...

I thought as I wrinkled my nose in annoyance. Why was I getting so annoyed more often? There must be something wrong with me. As I finished washing the food container, I decided to work on some homework. After finishing my homework, I glanced at the time and I realized that their rugby practice was long over and Annabella was probably back at her room now. I grabbed the now dry container and made my way to Annabella's room.

As I exited the elevator and walked down the hall to her room, I hummed a little tune to myself. Just before I knocked on her door, I heard voices inside. Since I was curious and a little bit of a creep, I pressed my ear against the door. I heard Annabella's voice and Will's voice. I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was.

"You love me, don't you, Will?" I heard Annabella's voice. I could just hear her fake pout. Sure, she was nice, but just like earlier today, I just wanted to choke her for being so damn perfect sometimes. I tried to press even further to hear Will's reply.

"Of course I do," he said. I closed my eyes. I felt a tight feeling in my chest. I clutched my chest with one hand. What was this that I was feeling?

"You do? Not Nicole?" Annabella questioned. My eyes opened to this. Why was I apart of this? I waited for his response. After what seemed like forever, he finally answered.

"Yes, I love you. Not the yankee."

My eyes widened and I felt my eyes start to sting. I felt a tear fall from my eyes before I realized what was happening. Why was I crying? I slowly bent down and placed the container on the ground softly. I stood back up, holding onto the door frame with my hands. I leaned my head against the door, trying to steady my breathing. I heard sloppy French kissing and then the sound of the bed springs. A moan escaped from Annabella. My hand rested on the door, my fingertips digging into the wood.

I didn't know why I couldn't take this. I just had to leave though. As I walked down the hallway, I clutched my chest and held my head in my hand. The same question kept swimming in my head.

Why was I feeling like this?

As the elevator doors opened, I wiped at my eyes. Thankfully, no one was in there. I rushed inside and hurriedly pressed the button to close the doors. When the doors closed, my tears flowed out freely. I didn't care anymore. The elevator took me to my floor and I couldn't feel my legs moving, but I knew they were as I walked to my room, sliding my key card in. I quickly opened the door, shutting it behind me. I leaned against the door, resting my head against it.

Why? Why was I feeling like this? Why did I feel so much pain?

I walked over to the bathroom, ready to do what I haven't done in over two months. I opened one of the drawers and searched for a razor blade that I could use. The blade glinted when the light hit it. I rolled up my sleeve and removed my wristband before I slowly brought the blade to my wrist. I swiped across once. I watched the blood slowly come out. Dark red blood splashed against the marble sink. I thought about it again. I did another swipe. I breathed in deeply and washed my cut under cold water before I applied pressure to it. I washed the blade and stuck it back in the drawer.

I stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes were red and puffy. I looked down at my wrist and the sink. A bit of my blood was still stained on the sink. And that's when it finally occurred to me.

Why?

I didn't like Will, did I? I mean, like-like him? Could I really like him that I could do this to myself? My eyes widened at my own realization. There had to be a reason why this had affected me so much. I always had a reason to cut myself and just a few moments ago, I had no reason. Now though, I knew there was a reason. It was because of Will. It was because I liked... Will.

I wrapped up my cut and left the bathroom. I crawled into my bed and wrapped the blanket around me. I sat in my bed, my back resting against the headboard. I sat in the dark and brought my knees up to my chest before I rested my head on my knees.

"I... I... like... Will..." I was still trying to process it. I mean, I liked that arrogant bastard? Sure, when we first met, I thought he was hot, but did I like-like him then? "How...? How could I be so stupid for falling for him? Why would I do this to myself?" I shut my eyes closed, fresh tears making their way down my cheeks. We already established that I liked Will, but after hearing those things, I couldn't help, but cry. Hearing her moan echoing in my ears, I cried out.

Why me?

I covered my ears with my hands, forcing my eyes shut.

"No, no, no... It will go away..." I told myself, not really believing it. I leaned down lower into my bed, settling onto my side.

I cried myself to sleep that night. I didn't know when I fell asleep, but I did. I didn't remember myself stop crying and I probably didn't.



When I woke up the next day, I rolled over onto my other side. I saw Will soundly asleep. I felt a pang on my heart. I shut my eyes closed. I rolled back over to my other side. I felt a tear slide over my cheek before I quickly wiped it away.

After a few minutes, I heard the ruffling of the sheets. I glanced over and saw Will getting out of his bed. He wasn't wearing a shirt, just pajama pants. I turned back around and blushed.

"You awake yet?" Will asked. I grunted in response. "So what did you do last night?" Will asked me. I bet he was just trying to be nice. Nice? Psh. Yeah, sure. He probably just wanted to rub it in that I stayed in last night while he went to get fucked.

"Nothing. Just did my homework. Read a book. Listened to music. You know, the usual," I answered, not facing him.

"Oh..." he replied. "I guess that's cool," he said. I was surprised he didn't make fun of me. I did a 'What the fuck was that?' kind of look to myself. He was acting so weird. I got out of my bed and faced him, my hands on my hips.

"You're being nice. It's not right," I stated as I narrowed my eyes at him.

"What? I can't be nice?" he retorted.

"No, you can't. Because you're William Harper and you hate the yankee who is me," I said while I pointed to myself.

"You have a point there," he said as he stretched. "Do you want me to be mean to you then?"

"At least I'm used to that," I muttered as I walked past him and into the bathroom to get ready. I stared at myself in the mirror and wondered how in the world I acted around Will before I realized that I liked him. It was completely weird to know that I liked him now. What was I supposed to do? I shook my head as I headed into the shower. While in the shower, I thought about my situation. I liked Will. Will was dating Annabella. Chris liked me. And Hayley liked Chris. "Fucking love pentagon..." I muttered as I ran my fingers over my fresh cut. I hissed before I completely avoided my wrist all together. I finished with my shower and wrapped my towel around my body and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked terrible. My eyes were swollen and red. I didn't bother to try and hide it though. I was too damn lazy to even try. I shrugged it off as I wrapped up my wrist in gauze and placed my wristband back on. I walked out of the bathroom to grab my clothes from my closet.

"Whoa!" Will exclaimed as he shielded his eyes. "You're completely breaking rule number six, no looking at each other when they are changing or going or coming from the shower," he said, looking away, but peeking through his fingers every few seconds.

"Haven't heard that in a while..." I muttered quietly.

"You're changing the subject!"

"Oh, shut it. Those rules aren't even valid anymore. We've broken rules number three, four, and five multiple times already. I don't think it would hurt if we broke one more," I said as I grabbed my clothes and walked back into the bathroom. I didn't wait for a response from him, but I bet that he knew I was right and therefore, those stupid rules he created were useless. I finished getting dressed and brushed my teeth and whatnot before I left the bathroom. I walked to the kitchen, glancing at Will as he headed towards the bathroom. I shook my head before I took my iron pills and ate my breakfast to keep my mind off him. After about ten minutes, I heard a knock on the door. I put my empty bowl in the sink before I answered the door. "Morning, Chris!" I said happily.

"Morning, Nicole!" he said just as happily. "Whoa! What happened to your eyes?!" he asked loudly. I shrugged.

"Allergies, I guess," I replied nonchalantly. Chris stared at me for a second longer before he dropped the subject.

"Okay then. Anyway, are you ready?" he asked.

"Just about," I replied.

"How about Will?"

"He's still getting ready,"

"Oh, okay. We'll just wait for him then," Chris said as he sat down on my bed. I nodded and glanced around the room, waiting. I took a quick glance at Chris. He was an attractive looking guy and he was sweet. Any girl would be lucky to have this kind of guy like them. Then I started to feel bad for Hayley. She's liked him for years and he hasn't returned her feelings. He's only known me for a few months and he already liked me. I looked away from him as Will emerged from the bathroom in his school uniform. "Let's head out then," Chris said as I followed him to the door, my bag already on my shoulder. Will trailed behind us, adjusting his bag onto his own shoulder. "Annabella said she'd meet us in the lobby," Chris said as he pushed the elevator button. Only then did it really sink in. I liked Will and he had Annabella. And it looked like he wasn't going to break up with her any time soon. I mentally smacked myself in the head a million times. Why would I like a guy who already had a girlfriend? Now, even if I planned to tell him I liked him, I couldn't. He had a girlfriend. I couldn't ruin that. I didn't want to ruin that.

I sighed as I entered the elevator. "I'm fucking stupid..." I muttered to myself quietly. Luckily, no one heard it. When we hit the lobby, I took a deep breath. The elevator doors opened and I saw Annabella, James, and Sara in the lobby waiting for us. I watched as Will walked forward and pecked Annabella on the lips. I cringed on the inside. And in that moment, I hated Annabella. Even if it was for a split second, I hated her. After I realized what I was thinking, I felt bad and scolded myself. When did I become this bitter towards someone? She didn't even do anything to me. She only kissed her boyfriend. I sighed again as we all made our way to the school building.

I saw Will grab Annabella's hand and it killed me. I grabbed my wrist and dug my fingertips into the fresh wound. I felt a rush of pain course through my body. It helped relieve some tension, but it wasn't the same as the actual act of cutting. When did just liking someone become so painful for me? It had only been a day since I realized I liked him and I was already hurting this much? Was there something wrong with me? Was it not possible for me to like someone and not be sad about it?



For the rest of the day, I spent it thinking about Will. I was probably over thinking everything, but I didn't care at the moment. For the whole afternoon, I debated if I should tell Will I liked him. In the end though, I decided to keep this little fact to myself for now. Plus, it's only been a day. My feelings could change in a few weeks or so. Or I could just be flat out wrong about my feelings. I needed some time to think everything over and see if I really liked him. For all I knew, this could be a one day thing. As I glanced at my wrist though every so often throughout the day, I noted that I didn't just cut for fun. I always had a solid, serious reason why. And apparently, this was serious, so I didn't think it was a one day thing. I decided to put everything off and wait about a month to make sure if my feelings were real or not. And assigning that month to myself really could help me sort out my feelings and see what my next step was.





The yankee looked like absolute shit this morning. I was going to say something to her about it, but it looked like she really didn't care. That, or she didn't even notice her swollen, red eyes, but I was sure she did. I remembered this happening to her eyes before when she was crying in her sleep. What could possibly make her cry this time though? I highly doubted it was because of Jason. I was pretty sure she hated him even more now and that she finally realized she shouldn't waste her time on rubbish like him. So I automatically assumed it wasn't because of him. I shook it off though and went about my day.





Nicole was fairly distant today. When she rejected my offer to hang out and instead study, I had a feeling something was wrong. Last time I checked, we didn't have any tests or quizzes coming up, so I had no idea what she needed to study for. I hoped she wasn't avoiding me again like that time after I admitted my feelings for her. Other than being distant though, she was quiet as well. She didn't talk much during classes, or breaks, or even during lunch. Her appetite on the other hand though was completely fine, because every time I saw her, she was eating something.

Throughout the whole day, I wondered if I had anything to do with it. Maybe I somehow did something wrong and she was ignoring me for it. I kept thinking and thinking what I might have done wrong, but I couldn't think of anything. I didn't do anything wrong or bad. So why was she so distant and quiet?





When the end of the school day came by, I went straight to the library to study. I even rejected Chris' invitation to hang out for a bit before his rugby practice. I needed time for myself right now. Just like the previous time after Chris told me he liked me, I needed that alone time for myself and to think everything over. I planned to still do my PJY duties, but other than that, it was time all for myself. When I returned to my room later on that night, I finally set up a calendar that my mom sent me from California. I taped it to the inside of my wardrobe door and marked out today's date with a red sharpie.

"One day down, twenty-nine to go..." I muttered to myself as I shut the wardrobe door closed and got ready for bed.