The First Cut is the Deepest

A week passed since I made that one-month pact to myself. Then two weeks passed. Then three weeks did. And then finally, four weeks passed. I marked the last day on my calendar with my red sharpie.

It's been an entire month. Today's the day. Today's the day to see if I really liked Will and if it wasn't just some short-lived thing.

I thought to myself. I sighed as I shut my wardrobe door. I sat on my bed and stared at Will's bed. He was in the kitchen eating food or something. I wasn't really sure. I actually didn't care at that moment. For this whole month, it was like I was in a fog. Everything was so routine. I woke up, went to school, studied, then went back to sleep. And then it would start all over again the next day.

In that time, I would think of Will. And I would think of Annabella, and of Chris and Hayley. There were always on my mind. And even with all those people on my mind, I couldn't help myself. It was official. I gave myself a whole month to think this through and it was now official. I liked Will. I really did. It wasn't a one day thing, or a one week thing or something. This was a real like I had.

And from what I could see, there was no stopping this like. Chris couldn't stop it. Annabella couldn't stop it. Will couldn't stop it if he tried. And I definitely couldn't stop it even if I wanted to. In that month, not only did I see if I really liked Will, I tried to see if I should tell him or not. That month helped me decide that I should tell him. If I ever got the courage to do it.

I took a deep breath and turned around to face Will.





The yankee was being awfully weird this past month. Every time I would even insult her, she wouldn't reply to it or just completely ignored me. It was starting to piss me off. I would rather insult her and her to try to insult me back than her being completely quiet. Every damn day for this past month, she'd be marking a day off her calendar in her wardrobe. What the fuck was she counting down to? I watched her as she just marked the last day on her calendar. What the hell was going to happen now?

She was just sitting on her bed now, her back facing me. She kept sighing and clenching and unclenching her fists. Seriously, what the bloody hell was wrong with her? I couldn't help but watch her and wait for her next move as I ate my food. After another minute or two, she started to turn around to face me. I instantly looked away from her. The ceiling looked mighty interesting right about now...

"Hey, Will?" the yankee asked me. Oh, now, she was talking to me? I turned towards her.

"What?" I questioned while I put a spoonful of food into my mouth. I didn't realize how off guard she caught me that I completely missed my mouth and I got food on my cheek instead. "Fuck..." I cursed quickly. Am I the fucking yankee now?! I quickly grabbed a napkin to wipe my face. For once in a long time, the yankee actually laughed. I haven't heard that in a while.

"Wow, Will. Are you me now?" she asked. Did she just read my mind or something? "Anyways, I have something to tell you," she said as she stood up from her bed and walked towards me.

"Okay..." I said slowly as I finished wiping my face.

"Um..." she started. "I don't know where to start..." she trailed off while she rubbed her neck awkwardly. I caught a quick glance at her. I saw something white peek out from under her black wristband. She put down her wrist and my attention was now on her face instead. She sat down on the stool in front of me as I continued to stand behind the counter. "Will, I know I've been pretty distant this past month, but..." she trailed off as she took a deep breath. "I know that you hate me-"

"I don't hate you," I interrupted her quickly.

"What?" she asked in surprise. I was pretty surprised myself.

"I don't hate you anymore," I said as I tried to save my own arse. "I didn't get to room with Ann anymore, because you came along and I thought you were going to come between us. But I realized that I was wrong and you didn't try to tear us apart. Therefore, there's no need for me to hate you or be mad at you anymore. Though you do piss me off and annoy me sometimes..." I explained.

What the hell was wrong with me?! Why was I telling her all of this?!

She let out a little laugh. It sounded kind of forced if you asked me, but what did I know about her? "Anyways," I started as I cleared my throat. "what did you need to tell me?" I got another spoonful of food and actually let it make it into my mouth without completely embarrassing myself in front of the yankee.

"U-um," she stuttered. "I just wanted to tell you that I, um, that I really enjoy your company," she said. It seemed as if she changed her mind at the last minute about what she wanted to say, but it didn't seem that important. If it was, she would have just told me. Maybe what she told me right now was more important. "I've been thinking about a lot of things this past month and I realized that... that I'm glad to call you my friend now," she finished as she let out a deep breath. It took her a whole month to tell me this?

"Is that it?" I asked. I wasn't annoyed, but I was genuinely curious. She nodded.

"That's it. I just wanted to tell you that I consider you my friend."

"Okay, then. Well, I don't necessarily consider you my 'friend' just yet," I said with air quotes around the word friend. "But I'm getting there," I said as I finished off my food and put my empty plate in the sink. The yankee sent me a small smile.

"That's good to hear," she said as she twirled around in the stool away from me. She hopped off from the high stool and made her way to her bed.

"Well, I have to meet Ann now," I said as I grabbed my key card and mobile and placed it in my pocket. "I'll see you later," I said before I left the room.





I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell him. As soon as he said he didn't hate me, that just threw me off guard. Then when he mentioned Annabella, it felt as if the wind was knocked out of me. The way he said I wouldn't tear them apart, he seemed grateful that wouldn't. And if I did tell him that I liked him, that would most definitely seem like I was going to tear them apart and he would hate me all over again. I couldn't do that. I couldn't let him hate me again. I wasn't lying when I told him he was my friend now. And not only would me telling him I liked him make him hate me again, he wouldn't even consider me his friend like he almost did now.
 
I broke down as soon as he left the room. For a whole damn month, I debated with myself if I really liked him and if I should tell him. And with this chance to tell him, I couldn't do it. I would ruin this friendship I was starting to have with him and I would ruin his relationship with Annabella. I would ruin everything.





I dropped by Nicole's room after school to see if she actually wanted to hang out with me for once in a long time. I knocked on her door, but there was no reply.

"Nicole, are you in there?" I asked. I heard a slight shuffling from the other side before the door opened. My big smile instantly turned into a concerned frown. "What happened?" I asked as I came into the room and pulled Nicole into a hug. "Why are you crying? Did Will do something to you?" She shook her head.

"Will didn't do anything..." she said through a muffled voice. "It's something I did. I'm a terrible person..." she continued to cry into my chest.

"Shh..." I shushed while I closed the door behind me and led her to her bed to sit her down. I knelt in front of her as she continued to cry.

"What happened? You can tell me."

"You'll hate me. I'm horrible..."

"What are you on about? I won't hate you," I said softly.

"I can't. I just can't!" she said as she broke out into fresh tears. I pulled her into another hug as I stroked her hair.

I barely spoke to her this whole month and the one time I actually got to speak with her, she was crying her eyes out. I never really noticed before how much I missed being with her. Her smile, her laugh, her jokes, I missed all of it. I loved all of it. And as I held her crying form in my arms, I realized another thing. Even if I've only known Nicole for a few months, I could honestly say this and let it be true. I didn't just like Nicole Greene. I loved her.





I never expected Chris to stop by at that moment. I thought he would be at least a little bit mad that I didn't really talk to him in the past month. He didn't even seem the slightest bit angry though when he comforted me. As soon as he asked me what was wrong, I just couldn't tell him. He would be mad at me then if I told him. I liked his best friend and I couldn't possibly tell him that. Not only would he be mad at me, he would hate me too. If I ever told anyone my feelings, everyone would either be mad at me or hate me. Could I not like someone and not be hated for it?

After what seemed like forever of me crying, I told Chris that I was fine and he could go now. I told him that I was glad that he was there for me, but at the moment, I just needed time for myself. He didn't question it though as he gave me a big hug and then left. I felt so exhausted from all that crying, so I decided to go to sleep early.

This dream... it felt so real. I was on the side of the freeway, near the center dividers of the two opposite sides, but it was completely empty. No cars in sight. I looked to my left and right and saw endless miles of emptiness. Or it seemed liked endless miles of emptiness.

I slowly took a step forward, but then stopped when I felt the soft underlining of what I was wearing. I was wearing a nice, black, cocktail dress. I was so confused. This was a dream, right?

I fingered the smooth silk top, wondering if this was real or not. It sure as hell felt real. I straightened the dress. It only made it to my thighs. I reached up my hand to brush my hair aside and then I realized I had a headband on. I took it off and examined it. It was a matching black headband. I placed it back onto my head and looked around me once more.

I looked straight ahead at the green exit sign after examining everything else. Then I started to squint my eyes. It couldn't have been him...

I saw... Will. He was slowly starting to take form. He wasn't there at first, but then after a few seconds, he started to appear. Until, he was there. He was actually there. He seemed real enough. He was wearing a perfectly clean, black suit. My mouth grew slack. Even in this surreal dream, he looked perfect.

I took another slow step forward. Will didn't seem to move one centimeter. He just stared at me, his face void of any emotion. I stopped where I stood and looked at him. I felt so... insecure under his gaze. I tried to say something, but my throat closed up. Even in my dreams, I couldn't face him and talk. I still felt the butterflies he gave me, despite how he acted towards me.

"I..." I tried to say. I couldn't utter those three words, even in my dreams. "Will..." I took one step forward again. "I... I l-like you, Will..." I said it, even if it was in a dream. And then he... shook his head. He shook his head in... shame? Disappointment? No, he couldn't have. Then he started to turn away. I felt a pain in my chest. "No... Please..." I murmured. He walked away and I tried to take a step forward, but all of a sudden, dozens of cars appeared out of nowhere. The cars all seemed to be driving at a hundred miles per hour. I couldn't even move one step forward. I was too scared. If I did move forward, I would get hit by the cars. "Please, please... Don't..." I fell to the ground and let the tears fall.

I gasped as I woke up from that dream. I took deep breaths to calm my racing heart. I frantically looked around me. I was in my bed in my dorm room. I reached up and felt my cheeks. They were moist with tears. I covered my mouth as I glanced over at Will. He was still asleep. I got up from my bed and made my way to the bathroom without waking Will up. I got to the bathroom and didn't bother to shut the door all the way. Will was fast asleep anyway. I crawled into the tub and sat down in a ball and just cried. I used to do this all the time when I was younger. I would just crawl into the tub and try to hide from my nightmares. I had a feeling though that I wouldn't forget this particular nightmare.

And that's when I realized that I was so much happier when I oblivious to my own feelings. Now that I knew about my feelings though, it felt as if they were suffocating me. I seemed to have become more depressed than when I didn't know about my feelings. I hated seeing Will with Annabella, because she could have him and I couldn't. And realizing this and having this dream just made me feel even worse.





When I got back to the room later that night, the yankee was already fast asleep. I decided to just go to sleep then as well. I was awoken in the middle of the night though to hear thrashing and sobbing. I opened my eyes and tried to adjust them to the dark. When they were finally adjusted, I looked over at the yankee's bed. She was twisting and turning in her bed. What the hell was her problem? Was she having a nightmare or something? For the next five minutes, this continued. I didn't bother to wake her up though. Why should I? It wasn't my job to wake her up from her nightmares. I wasn't her mum.

After another minute or so, she finally woke up and sat up in her bed. I quickly closed my eyes as she glanced towards me. I heard slight shuffling from her side of the room before I heard footsteps heading in my general direction. I heard her flick the toilet light on and then I felt the light on my closed eyelids lessen as if the door was closed. I peeked one eye open and saw the toilet door was closed with a crack left open.

It was quiet for a few seconds before I heard more sobbing. I furrowed my eyebrows as I crawled out of my bed and quietly walked to the toilet. I opened the door a bit more to peek inside. The yankee was in the tub, her head resting on her knees, which were pulled up to her chest. She was weeping so hard, she started to choke and gasp for air. What the hell happened?

"Oi, what happened?" I questioned as I broke the silence and leaned against the door frame. She jumped in surprise, frantically wiping at her eyes and nose.

"What are you doing up?" she asked through hiccups.

"Well, the sobbing of a certain yankee just roused me awake..." I trailed off. She hiccupped again before she replied.

"I'm sorry. Go back to sleep," she said while she wiped at her face again.

"How could I possibly sleep again when you make so much noise? You do know that the tub echoes everything in it, right?" I joked to try to break the tension.

"I'm sorry," she apologized again. "I'll go back to bed soon," she said quietly. I felt like I needed to help calm her down, so I took a step forward, but she instantly held up her hand in protest. "No!" she exclaimed.

"What?" I questioned.

"Don't come any closer. I know what you're going to do. You're going to try to comfort me or something. Well, don't. I know we both don't need a repeat of last time. So just, please, don't," she said, shying further into the tub. I tightened my jaw and took a step back instead.

"Okay," I responded. She was right. We didn't need another repeat of last time. So instead, I leaned against the door frame again and waited for her to calm down.





Ever since I broke down and Chris was there to comfort me, he was always near me, making sure I was okay and such. It was sweet at first. I wouldn't necessarily call it annoying now, but it was getting there. Because it seemed like every other five minutes when he was with me, he would look at me and ask me if I was okay. And if he didn't ask me if I was okay, he would give me this look as if he were to ask me. This went on for three days after I broke down. And just a few hours earlier, he asked if he wanted to hang out in my room for a while. I said sure and I was expecting him do the same thing. Surprisingly though, he didn't. I was thankful for that and instead, he just watched TV in my room while I read a book.

After about an hour of that, Chris turned off the TV and jumped onto my bed, nearly bouncing me off it.

"Whoa..." I muttered as I regained my balance.

"Nicole," Chris started. "I don't know how to tell you this."

"What is it?" I asked as I continued reading my book.

"Um, this is probably the worst place and time to tell you this, but I'm sick of trying to find and wait for the perfect time to say it."

"O-kay..." I said slowly as I put down my book onto my lap. "What do you want to tell me then?" I questioned.

"Uh," he started. "I love you." I stared at him, my eyes wide open.

"...what?" I asked in utter surprise.

"I love you," he repeated.

"Chris," I started. "that's a huge bomb you just dropped on me. We've only known each other for a few months..." I trailed off.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. But I couldn't help it," he said as he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

"But... but what about Hayley?" I asked.

"What about her?"

"Chris, she's been in love with you for years."

"And?"

"And... I don't think you're being... fair," I said while I tried to pick the right words.

"Fair?" he asked in confusion.

"Yeah. She's been there all along for how many years and you've barely noticed her. I've only been here for a few months and you're already in love with me?" I asked.

"Well, I can't necessarily stop my feelings for you just like that," he said as he snapped his fingers.

"Yeah, but still..." I trailed off. "Anyways," I started before I tightened my jaw. "I'm really sorry, Chris."

"Sorry for what?"

"Sorry that I can't return your feelings," I said as I looked him in the eyes. His facial expression instantly dropped.

"Oh..." he said as he turned away from me. I reached over and put my hand on his shoulder.

"I'm really sorry, Chris. I don't think of you like what you think of me. Aside from the topic of Hayley, it's just... I can't return your feelings because... because I like someone else right now. And I don't want to use you or hurt you by pretending to not like this guy and pretending to like you. I just can't like you right now when I like this other person. You understand this, right?" I questioned. He nodded slowly.

"I think I should go now," Chris said as he stood up from my bed. I grabbed his sleeve.

"Chris, you don't have to go just because of what I said. We can still be friends and hang out with each other,"

"Right, friends. We can still be friends," he said quietly. He said the word friends in distaste. I know it was a low blow to use the word friends, but it had to be done. I had to draw the line as to where we stood with each other. And that line was strictly on being friends. "But really, I think I should head out now..." he muttered before he left. I sighed and put my face into my book.

"What just happened?" I asked myself as I groaned. I finally stopped groaning and decided I needed to talk to someone about this. And the only other person I could actually talk about this with other than Erin was Hayley. And that was also the same person who would hurt the most from this information. I got up nonetheless and headed towards the library to find Hayley.





When I got back to the room, the yankee wasn't there, so I just decided to eat something. Right as I finished my food, there was a knock on the door. I put my dirty dishes in the sink before I answered the door.

"Is Nicole here?" Chris whispered as he looked past my shoulder.

"No, she was already out by the time I got here. Why?" I questioned.

"Thank goodness. I don't know what I would do if I saw her right now," he said as he brushed past me into my room. "I was just here not too long ago and I was hoping to talk to you now without her here. How lucky is that?" he mumbled. Now, he was just rambling.

"Whoa, whoa, mate. What happened?" I asked as I made my way to the sink to wash my dishes. He took a deep breath before he spoke up.





"Will, I don't know what to do," I said to him.

"What are you talking about?" he said as he washed the dishes in front of him.

"With Nicole," I said.

"Okay, the yankee?" he asked. "What about her?"

"I told her," I said.

"Told her what?"

"You know how I told her I fancied her, but I wouldn't do anything about it?" I said. He rolled his eyes at me.

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Well, I told her I loved her," I said. He dropped the plate in the sink and it broke into pieces. "Bloody hell, mate! What the fuck?!" I asked with a step back.

"Uh..." he started as he washed his hands. "It slipped," he said. "I'll clean it up later. Just tell me what happened," he said as he dried his hands on a towel.

"O-kay..." I said slowly. "As I was saying, I told her I loved her."

"And you do?"

"I do."

"What'd she say?"

"She, well, she rejected me."

"Oh wow. I wasn't expecting that," he said while he leaned against the counter.

"Yeah, she said she didn't think of me like that and that we should just be friends."

"Ouch."

"I know, right? Then she told me she fancied someone else," I explained.

"Oh!" he said in surprise. "Did she say who?" he asked. I shook my head.

"She said she probably wouldn't like me like that any time soon, because she already fancied that other bloke."

"I'm so sorry, mate," he said with a pat on my back. I sighed before I replied.

"It's okay," I said with a slight frown.





Who the hell did the yankee like?

That was the first thought that crossed my mind as soon as Chris left. Yes, I know. I should have been worrying about Chris instead because he was my best mate and all. I just couldn't help it though. Who could the yankee possibly fancy and reject Chris over? I thought about this as I grabbed my books to study.





I walked into the library and took a deep breath. I walked down the aisles looking for Hayley. Of course I found her in the very back of the library, a book placed in front of her.

"Chris told me he loved me," I blurted out without much thought of how I should have eased into it.

"...what?" Hayley questioned in confusion. I pulled up a chair next to her and sat down.

"Chris told me he loved me," I repeated, quieter and softer this time.

"...Oh..." Hayley said slowly as she set her book down.

"Oh? That's it?"

"Well, what am I supposed to say? Or do?"

"I don't know. Get mad. Hit me. Hit Chris. Do something," I said.

"I can't hit you, because you didn't anything," she stated.

"What about Chris?"

"I can't do that either. I can't change his feelings just like that. And if I need to be mad at somebody, I can only be mad at myself."

"Why would you say that?"

"Because... because I got myself into this. I had a feeling it would somehow end up into a situation like this. It was only a matter of time. I let myself still like him after all these years even though I knew something like this would probably happen," Hayley explained with a sigh. I stared at her for a few seconds, thinking about what to say next.

"You know, you're way too good of a person to like Chris. He could never deserve a girl like you. Nobody deserves a girl as great as you," I said.

"Oh, come off it. That's not me," she replied, trying to be modest.

"No, I'm serious," I started. "I would be much happier if Chris fell for you instead." I sighed as dropped my head into my hands.

"Now what?" Hayley asked me. I shrugged.

"I don't know..." I trailed off as we sat in silence.

After a good fifteen minutes of silence, I told Hayley that I was going to head back to my dorm room and try to figure something out with this whole Chris situation. On my way back to the dorms, I realized that I needed to tell Erin what happened. So as soon as I got back to my room, I completely ignored Will and started typing up an email to Erin. To be honest though, I didn't know where to begin. There was so much I needed to say, so I just typed up whatever came to my mind. It probably didn't even make sense. Hopefully though, Erin would decipher what I was talking about.

I clicked send when I finished the email. I sighed and closed my laptop. I leaned against my bed frame as I glanced around the room in thought. When I first got here, I felt so out of place. I was the new girl and I thought it would take a while for me to make friends. If you looked at me now though, I made some really great and close friends in the few months I had been here. Not only that, but I actually liked someone and someone actually liked me. Too bad it wasn't the same person though. I cringed as I shut my eyes closed.

How was I going to fix this without hurting anyone?