The First Cut is the Deepest

By the time I knew it, it was already Sunday. I had asked Chris earlier if he could take me to the airport and he said he would be glad to. So we were currently at the airport, waiting for Erin to arrive. She let me know sometime during the week that she would arrive at around noon.

After about half an hour of waiting, her plane finally landed. About an hour passed after that before we actually got to see her. And of course, it was me who was greeting her, so I waved my arms in the air like a crazy person to get her attention. I could see her laugh as she made her way towards us, dragging her luggage behind her.

"Erin!" I said as she was now in front of me. I pulled her into a tight hug as she laughed.

"It's good to see you too, Nicole," she replied when she pulled away. She held me at arm's length as she looked me over. "Still sticking to your original hair color, I see," she said as picked up a lock of my hair. That must have caught Chris' attention, because he raised his eyebrow and spoke up.

"Original hair color?" he asked.

"Yeah, she always used to dye her hair weird colors back in the day," Erin explained before she held out her hand to Chris. "I'm Erin, by the way," she said with a smile.

"Chris," he replied as he sent a charming smile her way. Of course he would do that. He was always one to be extra polite to girls. She nodded as she retreated her hand. I linked arms with her as Chris spoke up again. "Shall we go?"

"Yeah, let's go," I replied. Erin reached for her luggage, but Chris beat her to it.

"No, please. I got it," he said.

"Oh, it's fine. I can handle it," she replied.

"Please, I insist," Chris said and both Erin and I could tell he wasn't going to back down. She let out a sigh before she replied.

"Okay, sure. Thank you," she said with a smile.

"It's my pleasure," Chris said before he flashed another one of his charming smiles. With Erin and I's arms still linked, we made our way out of the airport, Chris following close behind with her luggage.

"He's such a gentleman," Erin whispered to me. "So that's Chris, huh?" I nodded. "You sure know how to pick attractive friends. I mean, look at example number one," she said as she pointed to herself. I couldn't help, but laugh at her.

We made it back to Chris' car and he put Erin's luggage in the trunk. Chris opened the door for Erin and I and soon, we were all buckled up in his car.

"Ready to go?" Chris asked. Erin and I nodded and soon we were on our way back to the school. Erin had told me earlier that she was staying at a hotel near us, but she wanted to see my school first. "So about this dying your hair, Nicole," Chris started as he continued to drive. I rolled my eyes at him.

"It was a phase," I defended myself.

"One time, she dyed her hair pink," Erin chimed in.

"I was thirteen! And it was only the tips!" I huffed. Both Chris and Erin laughed while I glared at him. We finally made it back and I gave Erin a small tour of part of the school. There was no way in hell that I could show her the whole school. I still hadn't even seen the whole school yet. After the mini tour, I took her to the dorm building to show her my room. As all three of us were in the elevator on our way to my floor, I turned to her. "Okay, I'm going to tell you this ahead of time," I started. "Will's an ass," I said. She laughed at that.

"I know. You've told me," she replied.

"No, really," I said. "He's a huge ass. It's one thing that I tell you he's an ass, but it's an entirely different thing when you meet him in person. So don't expect too much from him. He probably won't be very nice to you at first."

"Alright, I understand," she said. "But I think I can handle it. Plus, I'm only meeting him. I'm not moving in with him," she said a wink. I rolled my eyes at her as the elevator brought us to my floor.

Both Erin and I walked down the hallway to my room, Chris following behind us. I took out my key card and slid it through. I opened the door and let them enter before I entered myself. Will was lying down on the couch in only a pair of sweatpants and he was watching TV. He looked up when we all entered and a look of confusion crossed his face when he saw Erin. I spoke up before he could even ask.

"This is my best friend Erin from California," I explained. He nodded as he stood up from the couch and held out his hand to shake.

"Pleasure to meet you," Will said as he shook Erin's hand. I stared at him in shock at how polite he was. He even smiled at her.

"Pleasure to meet you too," Erin replied with a small giggle. I turned my shocked expression onto her.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I asked.

"What?" Will asked innocently.

"Why are being all nice to her?" I asked as I referred to Erin. "You're such a dick to me! You never shook my hand when we first met!"

"That's because it's you," Will said in distaste as he glanced over me. I threw my hands up in the air.

"Oh, fuck you," I muttered exasperatedly as I sat on my bed. Chris and Erin laughed while Will smirked at me. Erin came and sat next to me as she looked around the room.

"This is a pretty nice room," she commented. "And it has a pretty good view too," she whispered as she looked over Will's abs. I rolled my eyes at her, but couldn't stop the blush that crept up my face. I quickly tried to wipe the blush off my face as I spoke up.

"Put on a shirt, Will. You look cold enough that your nipples could cut glass," I commented. He sent a glare my way before he grabbed a t-shirt from his wardrobe. He quickly pulled the shirt over his head before he sat back down on the couch.

"So how long are you staying in England?" Will asked Erin politely. I glared at him again. I was not used to him being so nice.

"I'll be visiting for about two weeks. I got a hotel room near here that I'm going to stay at," she explained. He nodded in understanding.

"Anyways," I started. "Erin and I have some catching up to do. So don't you have somewhere to be? Like with your girlfriend or something?" As soon as the word 'girlfriend' hit Will's ears, he tensed up. He coughed nervously and straightened his posture before he stood up.

"We're not exactly on good terms right now. You know that," he said harshly. I cringed as I remembered that they got into a fight and they weren't exactly talking to each other right now.

"Never mind. Sorry," I muttered. He glared at me before he grabbed a pair of jeans from his wardrobe. He went into the bathroom to change and when the door shut behind him, I turned to Erin. "Oops..." I said. Will emerged from the bathroom a minute later and turned to Chris.

"Chris, what are you doing right now?" Will asked as he grabbed his key card, wallet, and cell phone.

"Nothing, why?" Chris asked.

"Let's hang out. Apparently, they're going to have girl talk and I don't think they want us boys to listen in," Will said with an eye roll as Chris nodded.

"You're right," he replied as he turned to me. "Well, we'll leave you two to catch up. Don't gossip about us too much, alright?" he said with a wink. I rolled my eyes at him as Erin laughed. He was pretty spot on though. We were going to gossip about them as soon as they were gone.

"We won't," I lied.

"Nice meeting you guys," Erin called as they were leaving. Both Will and Chris sent her a smile as a reply before they closed the door behind them.

As soon as the door was shut, I turned to Erin. "And that's Will," I said.

"He's really hot," she commented.

"I know," I said with a sigh.

"Nicole," Erin said as her voice turned serious now. "Now that I'm here, tell me everything. What's wrong?" she asked seriously. I sighed as I readjusted myself on my bed.

"Where do I even start?" I asked as my voice cracked. "I love Will and he has a girlfriend, Annabella. But he kissed me though. What is that supposed to mean?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back that up. You what?" she asked in shock.

"I," I started. "I love Will?" I questioned more than stated.

"You didn't tell me that in your email," she stated.

"How could I? I didn't want to say that in an email."

"Well, are you going to tell him?" I grunted and pushed my face into my pillow.

"I don't know!" I said through my pillow. I removed myself from my pillow and spoke up. "Like I said, he has Annabella and I don't want to ruin what they have."

"Do you think that Will might like you back?" she asked.

"I don't know!" I said again. "He really makes it seem like he likes me back, but I could be wrong."

"Nicole, you know you can't keep this to yourself. It's gonna be eating at you if you don't tell him soon. You know what happens when you get too stressed or sad," she said quietly as she reached for my wrist. It took everything in me not to flinch. If I did, she would know that I started cutting again. Erin knew me better than that though, because she didn't need to see if I flinched or not to see if I started again. "You started again, didn't you?" she said as she retracted her hand. I didn't reply to her. "You did, didn't you?" she continued to push. I nodded slowly. "Damn it, Nicole," she muttered. "It's because of Will, huh?" I nodded again. It was quiet for a few seconds before she spoke up again. "Nicole, are you sure you love him?" she asked. I paused before I replied.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I've never felt this way before."

"Then you know what to do," she said. "You're going to let him know. And if he likes you back and is willing to break up with Annabella," she said and I flinched at that. "and be with you instead then there you have it. Be with him. But if he rejects your feelings, then maybe you need to learn to move on. Maybe get some closure on it," she finished. I let out a small laugh.

"Funny. Chris said the same thing along those lines," I said with a sad smile. Erin smiled at me.

"Well, we're smart people," she said with a goofy smile. I laughed and lightly pushed at her shoulder.

"Yeah, you guys are," I said with a small smile.



Erin had been here for a little over a week already and in that time, I didn't have it in me to tell Will I loved him. I had no idea how to go about it in the first place. During that week though, Will and I started talking a bit. We never once talked about how we kissed, but we were at least talking. And I had a feeling that the only reason we talked before was because Erin was there. Somewhere along during that week also, Will and Annabella started talking again. It didn't go back to exactly how things were before, but they were being civil with each other and talking. I couldn't tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing for me though.

Rumors started going around that Will and Annabella were going to break up though. And since they were pretty much the iconic couple in our school, some students practically started freaking out that the "most perfect couple ever" were going to break up. Some people even blamed me for the impending break up. I couldn't argue with them about that though. Looking back on it, it really did seem like I was the cause of all this. I didn't want to be the cause of their break up though. No matter how much I loved Will, I didn't want to ruin their relationship and be the reason why they broke up, if they broke up. I was starting to feel like some sort of a home wrecker or something along those lines.

Every day that passed without me telling Will I loved him, the more Erin would bug me. Eventually, I told Chris that I loved Will and even he started to nag me a bit about it. He wasn't as bad as Erin when it came to nagging me, but he was getting there. Even though they kept pushing me to do it, I wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared for it. If I dove into it without preparing myself, they would be repercussions. I couldn't just simply just tell him flat out. I had to somehow ease it. I had a feeling though that I would never be prepared to tell Will. And I had another feeling that Erin and Chris knew this too. So after their nagging, I finally decided to just do it. I forced myself to believe I was prepared for this, even if I wasn't. And for the time being, it worked.

And you would think that from all these times I had been hurt by men, I would just eventually give up on them. I felt different about this though. It felt like through all this pain I had endured, I was trying to find that one guy who could take it all away and just love me. And you know what? Maybe Will was that guy. Or maybe he wasn't. I don't know. And the only way I could figure that out is if I can tell him my feelings and see how he would react to them.

So when Will and I were in the elevator on our way to our room after school, I pulled the emergency button out. The elevator halted to a stop with a small alarm going off.

"Bloody hell!" Will exclaimed. "Why'd you do that?" he asked as he regained his footing. I used the wall to regain my own footing. Will reached to push the button back in, but I slapped his hand away. "Blimey! What is your deal?" he asked as he retracted his hand.

"There's something I want to tell you," I said as I turned to face him.

"And you had to press the emergency button to tell me?" he asked incredulously.

"...Yes," I replied.

"What is it?"

"Well," I started. "where do I begin?" I asked more to myself than to him.

"Just spit it out," he said as he faced me and crossed his arms over his chest. I took a deep breath before I spoke up.

"I'll start from the beginning then," I started. "Seventh grade, Patrick White. He was my boyfriend then and he kissed the school slut in front of me. Also known as my best friend, now, ex-best friend. The day... the same day my father died," I paused and then continued. "Eighth grade, Sam Reed. He told me that he couldn't come to my party, because his grandparents were visiting. And the truth was, he was introducing his other girlfriend to his parents. Freshman year, Ethan Wilson. He used me to get into the popular group and embarrassed me in front of practically everyone. Sophomore year, Jared Cassidy. He got back together with his ex-girlfriend on my birthday dinner, in front of me," I paused to take a deep breath. By now, Will had uncrossed his arms and had a confused expression on his face. "And a few months ago. The infamous Jason Smith. He lied to me the whole two months we were together. He was told to do it by his slutty girlfriend and he broke up with me on our two-month anniversary."

"Why are you telling me all of this?" Will cut in. I took another deep breath before I replied.

"Because I don't know if I should add you to my list or not," I said.

"What are you trying to say?" he asked.

"I've had my heart broken too many times, Will." I felt my tears brim my eyes. "And each time it happens, it never changes. Each time, it hurts. It hurts like a bitch. Each time, the pain doesn't leave me. It will always be there." I could feel my tears leave a trail down my face. He was about to say something, but I cut him off. "You treat me like dirt, but I still managed to fall for you. You confuse me to no end. You hate me one minute and then you kiss me the next. Then you say it's a mistake another minute later. You make it seem like you like me back, but everything you say and do contradicts each other. I don't know what to believe anymore. Do you like me? Do you hate me? I don't know," I started babbling, moving my hands around wildly.

"Where are you going with this?" he cut in once again, bringing my focus back to what I was trying to say.

"Will," I started. "I can't keep this to myself anymore. What I'm trying to say is that despite all that, I don't just like you. Will, I love you," I finally said as I looked him in the eyes. His eyes widened in shock and for a minute or two the only sound heard was the soft sound of the elevator alarm.

After what seemed like forever, Will scoffed and finally replied. "What do you want me to say to that? You want to know if you should add me to your list or not? Then fine," he said harshly. I shut my eyes from the tone of his voice before I opened them again. "I'll be honest with you, I don't like you. Get it through your head. Someone like you shouldn't matter, doesn't matter. No wonder all those guys dumped you. You weren't good enough. You're just some pathetic girl that falls for all of their lies," Will spat at me. "To be honest, I'd be happy if you just left. Left and never came back. I don't care about you. Never will. So do us all a favor and just leave." He took a breath before he spoke again. "Am I on your list now or what?" I opened my mouth to say something, but then closed it. After a few moments of silence, I finally managed to say something.

"Yeah, you're on my list now," I said sadly as I pushed the emergency button back in. The elevator started up again and a few seconds later, the doors opened to our floor. I stuck my tongue in my cheek before I continued. "Junior year, William Harper. He had no mercy and made me believe that I actually mattered to him," I finished as I wiped at my eyes some more. "I understand now how you feel though. I... I won't bother you again." I walked away from him and quickly walked down the hall into our room. I forced myself to believe I was ready for this, but I really wasn't. I wasn't ready for this at all.

As soon as I was in my room, I dropped my bag on the floor near my bed and went straight into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I took shallow breaths as I held onto the counter for support. I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that Will was right. I was a pathetic girl that fell for all their lies. I didn't matter to Will. I never did. He didn't care about me. He didn't care if I lived or died. I didn't care if I lived or died. I wanted an escape to this all. I wanted to leave. I would rather... die. I clutched my chest in pain. I wanted to end it. The thought of my family nor my friends weren't running through my head at all right now. All I cared about was taking the pain away. And the razor blade was tempting. One deep slash and everything would be over. I would be gone forever. Everything would be... better. I hated feeling like this.

I removed my wristband and bandages to reveal the healing flesh. I picked up the razor blade from the drawer and brought it to my wrist. If I ended my life, he would be happier. Will would live without me and be happy. I would be doing him a favor. I would be doing everyone a favor. I couldn't stop the cry that escaped from my mouth.

I pressed the blade onto my wrist, feeling the skin break, drawing blood. I let out another cry as I pressed harder. I cut too deep which was exactly what I intended. Pain swept through my whole body. It could never compare to the pain though of what Will said.

I dropped the blade to the ground as everything seemed to get darker and darker. I was slipping in and out of consciousness. My vision blurred. I tried to control my hands, but they shook violently as my body swerved side to side. With a shaky hand, I held my dizzy head. I was light-headed. I crashed onto the bathroom tile floor. I couldn't even feel it. I couldn't feel anything. Not even the coldness of the tile. Not a single damn thing. I was numb. My eyelids drooped and darkness overcame me.