The First Cut is the Deepest

I felt myself drifting out of my happy place. I felt everything start to blur and disappear before I felt myself falling. It felt like it was never ending. Then after what seemed like forever, it was as if I landed on something soft. I forced my eyes open and then quickly shut them from the bright lights. I slowly reopened them and saw the whiteness of a ceiling. I craned my neck to the side, trying to figure out where I was. The last thing I remembered was that I was on the bathroom floor. Now, I was a soft bed in an all-white room. I glanced to the right of me and noticed an IV plugged into my arm. I was in the hospital. Who brought me here though?

I looked a bit lower to the right of me as I felt something warm and soft. I gasped when I saw Will was asleep on my arm, his head tucked under one of his arms while his other hand held my own. His hair was a mess, but I thought that it still looked perfectly fine. He still looked perfect, even when he looked like a mess. Then I remembered why I was here in the first place. My mouth turned down into a frown. All those words he said to me flooded back.

...I don't like you... Someone like you shouldn't matter, doesn't matter... I don't care about you. Never will...

I shut my eyes to prevent myself from crying, but it didn't work. The tears freely ran down my cheeks. I sat up, let go of the slight grip he had on my hand, and sniffled. I felt Will stir next to me. I turned to him as he slowly opened his eyes. His hazel eyes bore into my own brown ones. I felt more than pain about what he said. I felt anger.





I woke up and found Nicole awake! And crying...

"Nicole..." I whispered. She shook violently. "Nicole, what's wrong?" I asked her. I stood up, towering over her. As soon as my hand touched her shoulder, she slapped it off her. She pointed to the door, a harsh look on her face. I was confused before I remembered why she was in the hospital in the first place. I got closer to her. "Nicole, look, I'm sor-" I couldn't finish my sentence though as she pushed me away. She grabbed a notepad and pen that rested on the bedside table beside her. She quickly scribbled onto the paper and then handed it to me.

Get out!

The paper had said. I frowned.

"Nicole, listen to me. I-" I was cut short again by Nicole pushing me again.

Before I could say anything else, a nurse walked into the room. She quickly left and a few moments later, she rushed back into the room with a doctor behind her. I watched as the doctor examined her. I stood off to the side, my arms crossed over my chest. Erin and her mum were called and they were both on their way there. So many thoughts ran through my head as I watched her.





The doctor and a nurse checked my health and such and by the time they were finished, Erin was already here and in my room. She hugged me tightly the second she got the chance to.

"Oh my gosh, Nicole! I was so worried about you!" she exclaimed. I forced a smile and grabbed the paper and pen once more.

That's good to hear.

I wrote and Erin just stared at me blankly.

"You're kidding me, right?" she asked me incredulously. I shook my head. "Not again!" she exclaimed in exasperation. I wrote down I'm sorry! on the paper and handed it to her. She rolled her eyes when she read it. "I can't believe you..." she muttered.

"What? What happened?" I heard Will jump into the conversation. I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest. I looked away from him and looked towards the window instead.

"She's done this before," Erin said.

"What? Landed herself in the hospital from slitting her wrist open?" Will said harshly. Did I hear wrong or did it sound like he was a bit... angry? Angry because I did this to harm and kill myself or possibly angry because I didn't succeed? I shrugged it off and grabbed the pen again. I quickly scribbled on the paper. When I was done, I tossed it towards Will.

Didn't I tell you to get out?!

I glared at him harshly and pulled my blanket tighter around my cold body.

"Yes, she's landed herself in the hospital like this before. But I meant the writing on paper instead of actually talking. This asshole Ethan did something pretty harsh to her," Erin said. I glared at her.

"What did he do?" Will asked through clenched teeth.

"He... well... he..." Erin quickly glanced at me. "He used her to get into the popular group and embarrassed her in front of practically the whole school," she said. I shut my eyes from the memories. It was true. I did, in fact, stop talking for a while. I didn't talk to anyone for weeks, except only on paper. I couldn't handle the pain and I just stopped talking for a while.





Nicole had mentioned him before. Ethan Wilson. She mentioned the asshole the last time we spoke, which also happened to be the last conversation we had together before she did this to herself.

After Erin explained to me a part of what happened before, I looked towards Nicole and saw her eyes shut, the blanket pulled around her tightly. I bit at the inside of my cheek. Oh, how much I just wanted to hug her to make her feel all better! I couldn't do that though. She was already angry at me. She would be even angrier at me if I hugged her right now. I looked away and sighed deeply. When I turned back to look at her, her eyes were open and she was glaring at me. She looked away from me and starting writing on the paper again. She handed it to Erin after she was done. Erin took it and read it. She sighed and passed the note to me.

Tell him to leave, please?

I sighed again at what I read. She definitely didn't want me here.

"I'll be back tomorrow," I stated before I crumpled the note and binned it on my way out. I didn't bother to wait for her to reply.





I stared at the door in shock.

Did he just say that?

I thought to myself. I looked towards Erin in horror. She shrugged at me and sat in the chair next to my bed.

"Honey, don't be mad at him," she said to me. I looked at her incredulously. I quickly scribbled on the paper.

Are you fucking serious?! Have you lost your fucking mind?!

She sighed as she read it. "I'm serious, Nicole."

So am I!

I wrote back. She ignored the note and looked me straight in the eye. "I know this may come as a surprise to you, but... Will has been here since you got admitted two days ago." I stared at her. I couldn't believe what she just said. Was she serious? "He's barely left your side and he hasn't been back at school since you got admitted. And," she continued after taking a breath. "he was the one who donated the blood for your blood transfusion." Okay. Now, that was a big surprise. "Nicole... he saved your life," she said. I quickly wrote down on the notepad.

Maybe I didn't want my life to be saved.

I watched as her jaw tightened. "Your mom flew in yesterday. She's on her way here right now with your little brother. Do you have the decency to say that in front of your mom's face? In front of Eric's?" she started. "Oh wait. Never mind. You're not even speaking right now," she said sarcastically as she left the room.

When the door was closed, I threw my head back onto my pillow. I reached forward to cover my eyes, but the IV hurt my arm if I moved too much. I sighed and used my other hand, but that hand was sore and covered with bandages. I grunted in frustration and just shut my eyes closed.





I felt drained as I got back to the school and made my way to my room. I ignored the stares and whispers I got when I passed a few students. I probably looked like a wreck. I hadn't been back at school since the incident. Chris had brought me clean clothes while I was at the hospital, but I still hadn't had the chance to actually shower. Other than the way I looked, I bet people were also gossiping about the fact that Ann and I broke up. It was bound to get out sooner than later and I could just tell that everybody already knew.

I noted that while I was in the lift that the carpet was cleaned. And as I walked down the hall, I could see that the carpet here was also cleaned. It was as if it had never happened. As I opened the door though to my room, I knew it did, in fact, happen. I stared at the dried blood trail leading from the loo all the way to the door where I stood. I sighed heavily as I entered the room. I shut the door behind me as I continued to look at the blood. I thought that I could finally get cleaned up and maybe sleep for a few hours, but it looked like that was impossible now.

I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bucket from underneath the sink. I grabbed a scrubber and cleanser before I made my way towards the loo. I nearly gagged at the sight of the crusted blood on the floor. I filled the bucket up with hot water from the tub and started to scrub.

After a good fifteen minutes, I had cleaned the tile floor of the blood. I started to scrub furiously at the carpet in front of the bathroom. The water in the bucket had turned a brownish-reddish color so I had to had dump it out and fill it up with clean water again. I sighed as I fell back to my knees and continued to scrub at the carpet. I put more cleanser on the rug and scrubbed it so hard that all I saw was bubbles. I cleaned off the bubbles and saw a faint yellow stain instead of a dull brown one.

"It'll do for now..." I muttered to myself.

I continued to do this until I made it to the door. Cleaning up the blood of someone you loved could really do something to someone. I scrubbed so much, my hands started to go raw.





I didn't want to see Will. I really didn't. If I did, I had a feeling I would get this suffocating feeling in my chest. Because just thinking about Will gave me that suffocating feeling. I gave my heart to this asshole and he just went ahead and stomped all over it. I fell for the worst guys ever. I was so stupid for thinking that he was different. They were all the same.

Will wasn't lying when he said he would come back the next day. I was kind of wishing he was though. When he came into the room and saw me, he smiled and his eyes looked so bright. It actually looked like he was happy to see me. I couldn't have seen that right though. This was Will we were talking about. He clearly told me that he didn't like me and that he would be happier if I left. And I did try to leave, but apparently, I didn't try hard enough as I was still alive and breathing.

I grabbed the notepad and pen next to me and quickly scribbled onto it. After I was done, I held it out for Will to read.

Get out.

The smile instantly dropped from his face as he read what I wrote. The once happy expression he wore turned into a hard stare.

"I'm not leaving," he said as he walked around my bed and sat down in the chair next to me.

Why?

I wrote and showed him. He paused before he replied.

"Because I owe it to you to stay," he replied.

What is your deal? What do you want from me? You told me you didn't like me. I understand that now. So just leave me alone already so I can finally get some closure.

I handed over the note for Will to read. He quickly scanned his eyes over the paper before he crumpled it into a ball.

"I lied," he said simply. I gave him a questioning look and he continued. "About not liking you," he said as he stared me dead in the eyes. I couldn't hide my surprise as he reached over and put his hand over my own. I moved my hand away from his and he didn't reach for it again. "Nicole, the truth is, I-" I widened my eyes in shock at what he was about to say. He couldn't possibly be saying what I thought he was going to say. I quickly covered my ears with my hands and shook my head. Will grabbed my forearms and brought them down. "Nicole," he started again. He was actually calling me by my name. I liked the way it rolled off his tongue, but at the same time I didn't want those perfect lips of his to say my name. "Please, just let me say this." I shook my head again. He let go of my arms and ran his fingers through his hair. "I made a huge mistake and I'm trying really hard to fix what I did. Now, if you could just let me finish my sentence, that would be just peachy," he said in an irritated voice. "I lo-" I stopped him though as I placed my hands over his mouth. He stared at me in shock before I shook my head at him.

I slowly and hesitantly removed my hands from his mouth and quickly wrote down on the notepad.

Please, don't. I don't need to hear it. I don't want to. You broke my heart and I'm done. I don't want to hurt anymore, so I'm trying to get closure. So please don't and just leave me alone.

I placed the note in his hand and let him read it over.

"Can you just hear me out?" he pleaded. I looked at him and the look in his eyes almost made me cave. I slowly shook my head at him. His facial expression changed again into a hard stare. "Fine then. If you won't let me say it, then I'll show it," he said. I looked at him in confusion, but I didn't question it. He grabbed my hand again and I didn't bother to move away this time. The hard look vanished from his face and was replaced with a softer expression as he leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on the back on my hand. He remained eye contact with me the whole time. I couldn't stop the blush that rushed up to my cheeks. "Nicole, I'm going to let you think things over. I know I'm the reason why you're here in the hospital and I'm incredibly sorry for that and I really hope you can forgive me. And I hope this can help at least a little bit," he said as he pulled something out from behind his back. I didn't even notice it until he brought it into my line of vision. I stared at the bouquet of roses he set on my lap. Will got me flowers? I glanced back at him in shock as he stood up. "As much as I want to come here tomorrow, I won't. Like I said, I'll give you time to think things over and to heal," he said as he gestured to my wrist. "I'll be waiting back at the school," he said before he left the room.

If I even go back to school.

I thought to myself. Before Will dropped by, my mom and my little brother stopped by. Of course, my mom was worried about me, but was also absolutely pissed that I landed myself in the hospital again. While Eric was out of the room, she started lecturing me and saying that she was going to send me to therapy. Telling her by note that I refused to go to therapy didn't convince her all too well though. She even suggested that I should stop going to Kingston Academy and come back home. Before I could protest again by note though, she said that when I was better and actually speaking again, then we would talk about all of this.

I threw my head back onto my pillow as I thought back to it. I was not going to therapy. I just needed to stay away from Will for a while. And then maybe I would be fine. Maybe. I glanced down at the flowers that Will left for me and I couldn't stop the small smile that made its way onto my face. I also couldn't stop though that suffocating feeling in my chest.





I told Nicole that I would be waiting for her, but it had been two weeks since I said that. And I hadn't seen her since. She hadn't been to classes and she hadn't been back at our dorm room either. Erin had dropped by once during that time and grabbed a few of Nicole's clothes and other essentials. While she was doing that, I asked about Nicole, but she couldn't tell me much. She only told me that her and her mum were talking things through about what happened. Erin said that if you could count writing down on pieces of paper as talking. I tried to stray away from the topic of Nicole and instead made small talk with her. I had asked her why she was still in England since she was supposed to leave a week ago. She told me that she was staying a little longer until Nicole got better. She said though that Nicole was recovering well so she was going to leave in a few days. When she was finished grabbing Nicole's things, she left.

And that was the only thing I heard about Nicole. I even asked Chris and he told me that she hasn't spoken to him either. It was as if she was cutting ties with everyone from school. I was starting to wonder if she would ever come back to school. The mere thought of that scared me to death. The thought of never seeing Nicole again made my stomach turn.

I was starting to lose hope that I would never see her again. That is until I heard the door open. I was lying down on my bed, thinking things through when she walked through the door, a bag over her shoulder and her mum following behind her. I jumped up from my bed and walked towards her.

"Nicole!" I exclaimed. She brushed past me and dropped her bag near her bed. She completely ignored me as she walked into the loo and shut the door behind her. I looked at her in confusion before I turned to her mum.

"Can we talk, Will?" Nicole's mum asked as she gestured her head towards the kitchen area. I nodded and followed her. "Will, can I ask you something personal?" she asked me. I nodded at her again.

"Sure."

"Have you..." she began, but then stopped to pause. She started up again. "Have you ever c-cleaned up Nicole's blood?" she finally asked. The small smile on my face instantly fell.

"What?" I asked back. I was shocked to say the least.

"Have you ever cleaned up Nicole's blood?" she repeated without a stutter this time. My lips felt incredibly dry all of a sudden. I licked my lips before I replied.

"Yes," I answered.

"It's hard to do, right? Cleaning up a loved one's blood?"

"Yes, it is."

"I want her to stop."

"I know."

"Can you watch over her? Please?" she begged. "Make sure she doesn't try this again."

"Yes, I'll watch over her," I replied.

"Thank you so much." We walked out of the kitchen right as Nicole stepped outside of the bathroom. I nodded at Nicole's mum before she turned her attention to Nicole. "Honey, I have to go back to my hotel room," she started. "Eric and I are going to take Erin to the airport for her flight back home." Nicole nodded as her mum walked towards her and hugged her. "I'll be back tomorrow. I love you." Nicole went to reach for her notepad and paper, but her mum stopped her. "Yes, honey. I know you love me too. You don't have to write that down," she said with a laugh. Nicole gave her a small smile in response. "I'll see you tomorrow, alright?" She kissed Nicole on her forehead before she turned to me and nodded. I nodded back at her before she left.

And then just like that, Nicole and I were left alone.





To be honest, I was dreading the moment when my mom was going to leave. And when she finally did, I was left completely alone with Will. These past two weeks were horrible. Not only was my mom thinking of pulling me out of school, she was also trying to get me to finally see a therapist. I didn't think I needed a therapist though. I needed time. I needed time to think everything over. These weeks left me thinking about Will. And as much as I wanted to get over him, I couldn't. I was stupidly in love with him. And since I was so stupidly in love with him, I was scared that if I saw him again and he would try to say something to sway my opinion of him, it would work. I wanted closure. I needed closure.

In fact, I was starting to accept the fact that he didn't like me back. If he suddenly was going to tell me that he liked me back just like I thought he was going to say at the hospital, I wouldn't know what to do.





I glanced at Nicole as she sat on her bed. It had been so long since I last saw her. I noted that she looked even skinnier than she usually did.

"Are you hungry?" I asked. "I could cook something if you want." She just shook her head at me. "Are you sure? You look hungry," I said quietly, but she just shook her head again. I sighed and stepped towards her. She brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. I walked towards her and kneeled in front of her. I reached towards her and she flinched at the movement. I tightened my jaw before I tried again. I pulled her legs down so she was sitting down at the edge of her bed. "Listen to me, Nicole. I'm being completely serious and honest when I say this. So just hear me out." I looked at her and she refused to meet my eyes. "I regret every single word I said to you after you told me you loved me. I don't know what I was thinking and I probably hurt you so much. And I'm so sorry for that," I said as I shut my eyes. My voice was so quiet, I wasn't even sure if she could hear me. I reopened my eyes and continued in a louder voice. "I was just saying bullshit after bullshit, and I really didn't mean it. To be honest, I didn't know how I felt then. And then after finding you in your own pool of blood," I cringed at the words. "I knew how I felt. How I felt about you. Nicole, I-"

"No," she finally said. Her voice was so quiet and soft. It felt like it had been forever since I heard her last speak. "I don't want to hear it." I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.

"Why not?"

"Because... because I don't want to get hurt again. I'd rather not hear it," she said as she tried to push me away from her. I moved her hand away and reached for her face.

"No, let me tell you. I have to tell you. I need to tell you." She shook her head again, her fringe starting to cover her eyes. I moved her hair aside and faced her towards me. She struggled, but I was too strong for her weak, delicate body. She stopped as soon as my other hand rested on her knee. "Nicole, look at me," I said as I stared into her eyes.





I couldn't look him in the eyes. I knew what would happen if I did.

"Nicole, please..." he pleaded. His voice ached at my heart. The way he said my name though, I couldn't help but still get those damn butterflies in my stomach. I shook my head at him.

"Will..." I was surprised at myself for speaking." Will, stop-" I started, but he interrupted me.

"Nicole, I love you!" he exclaimed suddenly, clearly fed up with my opposing. He said it. Tears instantly brimmed my eyes. I shook my head again and again. No, it wasn't true. I brought my hand to my mouth, covering my trembling lips. It didn't really work considering my hands were shaking. He pressed his warm hand against my cheek and I finally looked him in the eyes. Silence overcame us from all sides. "Please say something," he pleaded again.

"I... I don't believe you," I managed to choke out.

"What?" he asked.

"I don't believe you," I repeated.

"Why not?" he asked as he moved back slightly.

"One minute, you say you don't even like me. Then the next, you say you love me. How am I supposed to believe anything you say?" I asked quietly as I looked away from him. I tried to pry myself from him, but to no avail.

"Nicole, please believe me," he begged. My jaw tightened. "How do I prove it to you?" he asked desperately. I stopped struggling and let him hold me. Did he just ask that? Was he actually willing to prove it to me? Was he serious and actually telling me the truth? I looked back at him and almost gasped. He hazel eyes held so much... so much... love. I couldn't believe it. He was telling the truth. Everything he said about loving me was true. It was portrayed by his eyes and I couldn't tear my eyes away from him.

"Kiss me." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop myself.

He seemed pleasantly surprised. He, however, smiled and leaned up towards my face. His hands cupped the sides of my face gently and I gasped as his lips connected with mine. Even though there was only a light pressure between our lips, it gave me goose bumps all over. I moved my trembling hands to his sides and he shivered at my light touch. I smiled into the kiss. He pulled away slowly, his eyelashes brushing against my upper cheeks as his eyelids fluttered back open. I opened my eyes as well, trying to calm my racing heart. He leaned his forehead against mine, our lips only barely touching.

"Is that enough proof?" Our lips brushed each other as he spoke. I nodded numbly and he smiled at me. "I love you, Nicole Greene..."

"I," I started. "I love you too, William Harper..." I lightly kissed him on the lips. He stood up from the floor and picked me up from my sitting position. He laid me down on my bed before he laid down next to me.

Like I said, I wasn't prepared if Will had told me he liked me back. And I was even more caught off guard when he told me he loved me. So I did what felt right to me. Despite everything, I let him back into my heart. We laid there for what seemed like forever, just holding each other. He buried his hand in my hair as he held me close to him. He murmured my name and I murmured his. No other words were necessary right now. All we needed then was to be with each other. Every now and then though, he would say he was so sorry and that he loved me. Me. William Harper loved me, Nicole Greene. Never in a million years did I think that I would ever hear those words come from his mouth. There they were though. Will leaned his forehead against mine as he spoke up.

"You promised me," he said quietly as he closed his eyes.

"I what?" I asked in confusion.

"You promised me you wouldn't scare me again like that," he explained as he opened his eyes. I continued to look at his pained and fearful eyes in confusion before I finally remembered what he was talking about. I had promised him when I nearly fell down the stairs that I wouldn't scare him like that again.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'll try not to scare you like that again."

"You better," he said as the look of pain and fear disappeared from his eyes. He leaned into me and kissed me again.

"Will?" I asked when he pulled away. He hummed at me.

"Yeah?" he murmured.

"I'm actually kind of hungry now..." I said sheepishly right before my stomach growled loudly. He let out a laugh before he pulled away from me.

"Alright, let's eat then," he said with a smile on his face. I smiled back at him as he helped me up and led me to the kitchen.