And She Made the Shape of My Heart With Her Hands

The show ended. The crowd screamed as they ran off with newly signed autographs. The bands were finished and tired. I was agitated and worried.

I felt a hand on the small of my back. “Ready to go?”

“No! Kennedy, I’m nervous!”

He chuckled a little. “Why?”

“Well should I like just go with the flow like nothing’s ever changed or happened, or should I say hello to everyone? Ugh. But that’d make things like a big deal. I-”

“Cara! Cara! Calm down. There’s nothing to be nervous about. Just casually say hey to them; nothing too big, nothing too small. Alright?”

I sighed and shrugged.

He patted me on the back for encouragement. “Good girl. Now go put your stuff in the van.”

I picked up my dark blue duffle bag and shuffled to the door. The huge guy named Mike gave me a small smile before opening the door for me. I thanked him before I made my way through the dark and deserted parking lot full of cars, vans, and trailers. It was the perfect crime scene in a horror film.

I slowly made my way towards the bulky van that was parked almost in the very back of the parking lot. My eyes swept every part I passed or was about to pass. The whole idea of a teenage girl walking in a deserted parking lot in the dark just gave me chills.

I finally was in front of the van. I sighed in relief, letting out the tainted thoughts of agony. “Talk about suspense,” I muttered to myself.

I walked around the side of the huge white monster and walked down to the storage trailer. I swung open the wide door, some of the light from the streetlamp filling the dark spaces and depths of the trailer.

“And cue the sadistic killer,” I said to no one as I chucked my bag on top of a bunch of other bags. I backed myself up a few steps to grab a hold of the door, swinging it closed and latching it again.

I sighed, running a hand through my straightened hair. I was about to start walking back when I heard the van door slide open as the storage trailer shook a little. It made me jump a bit.

I slowly took a couple steps around the small trailer. I didn’t know why I was so cautious. I rounded the corner to see a figure moving around in the van as if they were looking for something.

I stopped when I saw their foot plant on the pavement, the rest of their body soon pulling out of the opening. They swung the door closed as I jumped again; startled from the noise even though I watched him shut it.

Of course it was Pat Kirch, the boy whose heart I had had in the palm of my hand and then crushed.

He pivoted on his foot to come face to face with me. I averted my eyes to his face, the ground, then back up to his face yet again.

His eyes widened quickly and then resized to normal.

I smiled a little, not even realizing that I did. “Um, sorry if I startled you there. I was just putting my stuff away in the way back.” I pointed sheepishly to the storage trailer behind me.

His eyes flashed to my finger and then back to my face. Pat’s face was completely expressionless. I couldn’t read one emotion on there.

He cleared his throat a little, holding up a pack of batteries. “My camera died on me.”

“Oh.”

We stood there silently and awkwardly for a few painful seconds. That’s when I decided to speak up, no matter how much it hurt me to do so.

“Pat, I… We… Let’s talk. Please,” I begged him.

“We are talking, Cara,” he stated emotionlessly.

I flinched. “No, Pat. Like for real.” I paused and then added slowly, “I’m sure you know what I want to talk about…”

He sighed. “Shoot.”

I took a deep breath. “Okay. I never got a chance to think about what I wanted to say here, so here it goes.” I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. “Pat, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had to see what you did, I’m sorry that I’m a bitch and broke your heart, I’m sorry I couldn’t just pick you, and I’m sorry that I’m stupid and confused.” I stopped, took a breather, and continued, “And I’m sorry that this apology is so long.”

Pat didn’t say anything. He simply stared at me with either no expressions at all or just emotions I couldn’t recognize.

I broke down at that point, thinking the worst. “I didn’t know he was going to do that! I-I shouldn’t have let him! I’m sorry, Pat! Y-You don’t deserve any of this to happen to you! You should have something better! You s-should have someone better!” By this time, there were a few tears falling down my cheeks two at a time.

I furiously wiped at my cheeks, trying to mop the salty wetness from my face. I quickly pushed some stray hairs away from my face.

Pat took a step forward towards me, faltering a bit when he realized he was about to embrace me.

That made a few more tears run down my face as I felt the pang of shame and hurt.

I suddenly felt Pat pull my hands down away from my face. I looked down to see his two hands holding onto mine around my belly button.

“Please stop crying,” he whispered. “It just kills me.”

I was still looking at our hands touching as one side of my hair swept forward. Pat pushed it back behind my ear. It gave me chills.

“Cara, please look at me,” Pat begged softly.

I looked up slowly, soon meeting his warm brown eyes. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered again.

“I know, I know.”

“Pat, I’m… I’m afraid that I’m going to ruin your band. I’m afraid that I’m going to tear it apart,” I admitted.

He blinked. “Don’t worry about things like that. You don’t have anything to do with the band and we’re not splitting up anytime soon,” Pat assured me.

I nodded, looking back to the ground again. That’s when I whispered, “Pat, do you hate me?”

I thought I heard him slightly gasp. “I’d never hate you, Cara.”

“Even if I did kiss your brother’s best friend and lead singer?”

Pat looked away as he let go of my hands and leaned against the van in thought. I stood there patiently with my arms crossed.

“Same thing. I’d never hate you.”

I sighed, walking closer to him. “You deserve better than me, Pat.”

Pat shook his head confidently. “No. I deserve you.”