Alice in Wonderland

{go read chapter 4!!! i updated twice!}

We went to one of my favorite clubs in LA. On The Rox. This is where I bring most of my male clients. there are a lot more real girls here, and it doesn’t hurt that the owner and bartenders know me and let me in though I’m underage.

“Alice!” a familiar voice shouted as we got out of Pete’s car. I looked up to see my friend, and the bouncer, Charlie waving us over.

I smiled and skipped to the front of the line, getting immense glares from the bystanders, and hugged Charlie. Charlie’s about 37 years old, red hair and a porno mustache to boot. He had a beautiful wife (who was the bartender), blonde and voluptuous, even after 3 kids.

I pulled back and smiled at him, “How are you?”

He smiled and shook his head. “We can catch up later, seems like you have work to do.” He nodded his head behind me, making me turn, to look at the boy standing on the side-walk, awkwardly, in his tan fedora and matching jacket.

I smiled slightly at his cuteness. I turned back to Charlie. “Your right.”

He smiled proudly and put his hands on his hips like a superhero. “Aren’t I always?” And he winked.

I laughed as the people in the lines mumbling got louder and more profane. I waved over the rest of my ‘crew’ and we headed inside to our reserved booth. I made sure I sat in in the middle so I could have a perfectly clear view of the room.

Sing stood at the front of the table, looking at me. Everyone one was confused why we were having a staring contest in the middle of a crowded, loud club. I looked around and looked at the bar. I noticed a tall, buxom, long legged redhead sipping at her Heineken beer, alone. I made eye contact with Sing and she nodded, pulling Cuddles along with her to the bar, over to the redhead.

I looked to my left at Patrick. “See that redhead over there?” I nodded over to the bar where Sing and Cuddles were chatting up the red. “You’re going to talk to her. Don’t worry, I’ll be here but I’m not going to help you. The only way I’m helping you is by giving you the information I’m going to give you now. Approximately 1% to 2% of the human population has red hair. It occurs more frequently in northern and western Europeans, and their descendants, and at lower frequencies throughout other parts of Europe, Asia and Africa. Red hair appears in people with two copies of a recessive gene on chromosome 16 which causes a change in the MC1R protein. It is associated with fair skin color, freckles, and sensitivity to ultraviolet light, as the mutated MC1R protein is found in the skin and eyes instead of the darker melanin. Cultural reactions have varied from ridicule to admiration; many common stereotypes exist regarding redheads, and they are often portrayed as the “fiery-tempered redhead”. That’s a lie, redheads get as mad as anyone does, if its not harder to piss them off. They are a very calm type of person, sometime to the point of being naïve to everything. Their very sweet and very smart. You do not fuck with their friends or their family. They will hurt you. This girl will be the most easiest to talk to tonight. The only thing you have to change about your personality for her is to complement her. A lot. Whether you like her shoes or not, say you like them. Reds love to be complimented. They’re rejected by most people for their rare hair color, they don’t get told their pretty much. But don’t complement her too often or you just sound desperate. Limit them to 4 per conversation. Got it?

All eyes were wide-eyed and staring at me. What? Did they think I didn’t have a brain? Jesus. I looked at Patrick for an answer to my question and he nodded. “Good. Sing says she ready, go get ‘em tiger.” I smiled on the outside, but silently screamed for him to love me on the inside.

He smiled and got up, stumbling over to the bar as Sing and Cuddles walked back over to the booth and sat down.

Andy laughed as Patrick knocked her drink all over her.

Pete and Joe shook their heads. “Poor Patty Cakes.” murmured Pete.

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“See! That wasn’t so bad! You even got here number!” I congratulated Patrick as he sat back down after his little flirting session with the Red.

He smiled and inhaled, taking his hat off and running his hand through his hair.

Oh God….I want him!

Nardy cleared his throat and nodded over to three new blondes who just walked in. I nodded and he got out of the booth, suavely walking across the room over to the blondes, getting the attention from every girl in the room. My brother knows how to command attention from a room.

I tapped Patrick’s shoulder and pointed over to the smallest, less fierce looking blonde. He looked over at her and then looked back at me, wide eyed. “A blonde?! Are you insane?”

I laughed hysterically for a few seconds then stopped all together, earning a few looks. “This is what you need to know about blondes. The dumb blonde is a popular-culture stereotype applied to blonde-haired women. The archetypical "dumb blonde", while viewed as attractive and popular, has been criticized as lacking in both common street-sense and academic intelligence, often to a funny level. The dumb blonde stereotype is frequently used in the popular blonde jokes. The dumb blonde stereotype is often associated with a poor and sore manly stereotype. To deal with a blonde is simple. First, you must watch them for a few minutes to determine what kind of blonde they are. If they laugh a lot at nothing and demand people around, that is your classic dumb blonde. If they stay in the shadows more and politely smile a lot, then that’s the smart blonde that you want to be with. Nardy says their ready so go!”

He frowned at me nervously but walked over with out tripping.

Damn, he didn’t trip. Now he has a chance with her.

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“I think I’m ready for brunettes now, Alice.” Patrick smiled cockily, sipping on his soda.

I glared. “Just because you got 2 of the blondes numbers don’t get all cocky. You still have a lot of work to do. Cuddles, go talk to the brunette bartender, would ya? She seems good.” Cuddles nodded and skipped off.

I turned to Patrick and pointed at him. “This girl will be harder. Brunettes are tough. Brown hair strands are thicker than those of fair hair but not as much as those of red hair. People with brown hair are often referred to as brunettes. Brown hair is common among West Eurasians-- especially in central and southern Europe, West Asia, and North Africa, where it transitions smoothly into blackish-brown and pure black hair. Now listen closely because this also goes for black haired girls. Don’t. Fuck. With. Us. We are smart, witty, and sarcastic. We will bring you down before you even notice we did anything. If you want to talk to us you need to have three things. Brains, whit, and confidence. You have all of those except confidence. You have to own the room! You have to act like Pete, just less pretty boy.” Pete glared at me.

Patrick nodded and chanted ‘act like Pete’ as he walked over to the bar after Cuddles nodded him over.

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HA! I told him he shouldn’t be so cocky. I knew he wouldn’t get her number. He walked up there all confidant but fell apart at the seems when she gave him her cold look. WHOO! Go brunettes!

We all piled in Pete’s car after our fun night of patrolling for girls at On The Rox. I was sitting next to Patrick in the back. He looked over at me and smiled, taking my hand and squeezing it, as if to thank me. I smiled sadly and looked out the window. I could feel Patrick’s confused stare but I let my one silent tear roll down my cheek. I thanked god it was the cheek on the windows side. I didn’t want Patrick to see me cry. Especially if it was about a guy I barley knew and had no chance with.