You Should Know

"Sadler...what are you wearing tonight?" Emily asked as I stood in her doorway.

"Emily...I have something to tell you about where we're going tonight," I said nervously, but plastering a smile on my face as I went into her bedroom.

I had asked Emily last week to go out with me today. I couldn't ask Meg, she would have asked too many questions and then gotten mad at me for where we were going. I knew Emily would surely give me and earful when she found out our real plans for tonight, but it wouldn't be as bad as Meg's wrath. I didn't want to be made to feel bad tonight and Emily was that supportive one. I wanted tonight to be light and fun, if that was possible.

I told Emily I wanted to check out this new place in the city and it'd be really fun. She agreed, of course, Emily loved trying new places and she also loved surprises. We were not actually going to try out a new place, we were actually going to see Gabe's new band. I had bought two tickets to see him open up for Gym Class Heroes at the Knitting Factory.

I didn't want to tell her until the very last minute because I didn't want to have to endure an entire week of lectures on getting over Gabe and how this probably wasn't healthy. I was over him, but I wanted to support him. I wanted him to succeed at whatever it was he was doing. Gabe had a new band that was so different from Midtown and I wanted him to thrive. I also didn't want him to know I was there or anything. I wanted to silently support him in a dark corner.

"Ooh, a hint! Finally! Dive bar or more upscale?" She asked holding up a pair of heels and a pair of Chuck Taylors.

"Dive bar," I said as I stood in the doorway to her bedroom. She tossed her heels on the bed and started putting on her sneakers.

"Okay, scene type dive bar or intellectual type dive bar?" She asked again with a big smile and held up two different pairs of glasses. A set with thick black frames and a wireless set neither with a prescription; they were strictly fashion accessories. She liked to dress the part of her surroundings.

"We're going to see Gabe's new band," I finally blurted and I stared at the floor waiting for whatever was coming; the lecture, the groans, all of it.

"Sadie, it's been two years since you two broke up...do you really want to do this?" Emily asked cautiously and put down the glasses. She seemed sympathetic.

I looked up at her, nervously, but her face seemed more like she felt for me than was mad at me. "It's totally fine, Em...I'm just really proud of him and want to support him. I'm not going to see him. I just want to be there," I said and walked into her room. I stood next to her and looked myself over in her dresser mirror.

The butterflies of nervousness started in my stomach. It didn't seem like a big deal when I bought the tickets, but saying what I was doing aloud was causing me great anxiety now. Gabe and I had broken up just over two years ago, but the last time I talked to him and saw him was about a year ago.

Gabe randomly showed up to a party being thrown by my friend Mike's friend. Mike and Sean dragged me – they said I needed a night out and maybe I'd even meet a guy to just make out with. I remember being grumpy about it, but knowing it was a good idea. I made the trek into New Jersey for the party. I had no idea Gabe was even friends with the guy throwing the party. I had no idea he was going to show up or I would have not been there.

Mike, Sean and I were standing in a corner talking when I saw him walk in. My heart stopped at seeing his tall and lanky frame. He was dressed differently. He had a baseball hat on and a hoodie on over it, tight jeans and Nikes. He didn't look like the Gabe I knew, but I could recognize him from a mile away; didn't matter what he was wearing.

"Oh my god," I whispered and quickly turned my back to him and then moved to the middle of Sean and Mike.

"What? Did you just see a super hot dude?" Sean asked wiggling his eyebrows. I had, but not the one I was expecting.

"Gabe's here," I was panicked all of a sudden. Sean and Mike looked at each other and huddled over me in a protective way. I appreciated their gesture.

"Where?" Mike asked looking around and trying to not look obvious, but failing.

"Stop being so obvious, dude," Sean said through a clenched jaw.

"Both of you are not helping," I sighed. "Just let me know if you see him and protect me..."

Sean put his arm around my shoulders and kissed the side of my head. "We will."

"We can leave, if you want," Mike offered politely.

"No, I'm okay..." I wasn't, but wasn't about to ruin their night.

"Mike!" I heard Gabe's hyped up voice as he was behind me. Mike stepped in back of me and met Gabe and they shook hands.

"Hey man, long time no see," Mike was polite and kept his back to mine.

"Oh hey! Sean! Wow man," Gabe and Sean slapped hands and I was hiding like an idiot.

"Good to see you Gabe," Sean sounded uneasy.

"What about me?" I asked finding some sort of courage to come out from behind Mike. I forced a smile and tried to act as normal as possible.

"Sadler?" Gabe's face dropped and I wanted to keep smiling, but him looking so scared to see me made me feel awful.

"Hey! Good to see you. You three all catch up, I am going to get another drink," I said and scurried off before anyone could say anything to make me stay.

I went and poured myself another drink and found a group of people to talk to. I didn't want to go back over to see Gabe just yet. I wasn't prepared for what It'd be like to see him for the first time since we'd broken up. I always thought I'd be aware of the potential of running into him, so I could look hot and be prepared. I was not prepared and only slightly dressed up.

I waited about twenty minutes and made my way back. I couldn't avoid him and mostly out of curiosity. I wanted to know what he was up to and how he was. I wanted to be near him. I was a glutton for punishment.

"Hey, sorry..." I wanted to vomit as I approached the guys. They were still talking.

"What's up?" Gabe asked hesitantly. He bounced on his feet a bit in nervousness.

"Stop bouncing," I laughed. "You're making me nervous," I admitted.

"We're going to get drinks," Sean whispered as he and Mike made their getaway to leave Gabe and myself alone.

"It's just me...don't be nervous," His voice wavered with nerves though himself.

"Yeah...so, how are things?" I asked awkwardly. How was this supposed to go?

"Things are good. Got some things I'm working on some cool things. How are you?" Gabe took down his hood, but kept his hat on. He looked good. He had filled out a little and had a little scruff going. I wanted so badly to just rub his face and hug him and feel safe in his arms. I really thought I was over him, but seeing him I wasn't ready for onslaught of emotions that I was feeling. I thought I would be more together.

"I'm good. This is my last year of school and I'm very excited about that."

"I'm proud of you," Gabe touched my shoulder and let his hand linger a bit.

"Thanks...I'm proud of you too." I gazed up at him and gave him a smile. "I should let you get back to the party. Don't want to monopolize your time," I was trying my best to end the awkwardness.

"You can monopolize my time all you want," He smiled and I felt a little more at ease, but was that ease something good?

"I'm not sure that's a good idea," I laughed uneasily, probably sounding insane.

"I've missed you. I honestly thought I may never see you again...it's so weird to see you, I'm sorry," Gabe play fought me, throwing light jabs at my shoulders, it was strange.

"And of all the parties you could have walked into this one," I could hear the nerves in my voice too and my hands were shaking a little.

"Must have been fate,"

"Must have been..." I looked down into my cup and was so shy and unsure. I hated this feeling. I hated feeling so anxious and nervous and insecure around him.

"I've got shots!" Mike yelled as he and Sean came barreling between Gabe and me with shot glasses. They were a welcome interruption. They handed out shots and we all shot them back.

Gabe got pulled away and after that I did my best to avoid him. My heart hurt seeing Gabe and I had so much regret and sadness. I was hoping things would have been better and easier, but I still loved him. I hung out with my friends Sean and Mike the whole night and they were amazing about distracting me and getting my spirits back up.

"I just wanted to say 'bye,'" Gabe said about two hours later. I was a little drunk.

"Bye," I said and wrapped my arms around his waist, hugging him tight. Gabe's arms came around me and squeezed me back.

"Good luck in school," He kissed the top of my head.

"Thank you. Good luck to you too," I said as I loosened my grip on him and slowly let go of him.

"It was so great seeing you," Gabe smiled and tugged at my hair lightly.

"You too," I sighed. Gabe bounced a bit and finally waved goodbye.

That was the last time I saw or talked to Gabe. I didn't text him and was strong and he didn't text me either. I still loved him and there were times when I wish I had just kept my mouth shut. Times where I wish I had just stayed with him, but part of me is happy that he is getting to experience things fully. I was so proud of him and just wanted to support him in any way I could. I wasn't going to see him and make things awkward; I just wanted to watch him from the shadows.

"Fine, I just don't want you to hang on to Gabe forever." Emily said throwing on a sweatshirt. She sounded half annoyed.

"I'm not holding on. I just want to support him without being seen. He's not touring with Midtown, so no one will recognize me," None of his crew were likely touring with him and I doubt he'd have many Midtown fans showing up to this show that would recognize me, thankfully.

"And you're okay to go and support even though there are clearly songs about you..." She gave me a look of "you can't be serious you're okay with this."

"You listened to the album?" I asked shocked.

"Yeah, I liked that 'Snakes on a Plane' song and then I saw they had the album up for preview the other day. I was curious. Clearly, you listened too and know what I'm talking about," She eyed me. I had listened to the album preview. The album wasn't out until next month.

"They're not about me. He just used lines from me." I defended. I wanted to just live in denial.

The day the album preview went up I had to listen to it. It was completely different from anything Midtown would have done, but it was definitely showcasing a side of Gabe. I listened to it all the way through and then the last song made me pause. I listened to it a hundred times on repeat, trying to understand. The song basically used my words against me; words I had used against him. I just assured myself he liked my words and applied it to a fictitious situation; it helped me a lot to think that. It was a good song for what it was. It really made me feel dumb when I heard it, but I can't go back now.

We got to the venue and we were able to secure ourselves the darkest spot in the back of the club, which was unfortunately smaller than I had anticipated. We waited for a bit while they set up the stage for Cobra Starship, Gabe's new band.

"I'm gonna pee really quick or vomit...will you get us drinks?". She nodded and I headed to the bathroom as she headed to the bar.

I walked back to the bar area and I froze. Gabe was talking to Emily as she was trying to order at the bar. I crept into the corner and just watched them.

Gabe started to walk in my direction, but I was mostly hidden. "Hey Em..." Gabe said nervously. "Do you still talk to Sadie?"

"Of course I do," I heard her voice get closer to him.

"Tell her 'hey,' for me, okay?" He was nervous and it was sweet to hear.

"I'll tell her," I heard Emily say and I saw Gabe walk by. I came out from my hiding spot and right up to Emily.

"I ran into Gabe," Emily laughed and the adrenaline in my body started to drain. I was so nervous he'd see me or security would think there was something wrong with me. "He wanted me to tell you, 'hi,' if I was still talking to you..."

"Did you tell him I was here?" I asked as I stole my beer out of her hand and chugged it.

"No, we didn't really discuss you...except for him wanting to say 'hi.'"

Just then the lights went out and entrance music started. I took Emily's hand and I held it tight. I needed the support. This was the first show of Gabe's I had been to in two years, it was like a homecoming almost. It felt good.

Gabe came out on stage and I took a deep breath and let Emily's hand go. She smiled at me and started to scream for the band. As they started to sing we started to dance and it was so much fun. I didn't know any of the words, but it was amazing to hear everyone else sing along to an album that wasn't even out yet.

We stayed for Gym Class Heroes as well and when the show ended we started to shuffle with the crowd toward the exits. We were almost to the exit when Emily pulled on my wrist. I turned around and Gabe had caught Emily. I could feel the color run out of my face. I didn't want to see him.

"Hey," I finally choked out.

"Hey," Gabe smiled.

Emily looked back and forth between us, all while people were trying to leave the venue and also waiting on Gabe for pictures and autographs. If I were looking in on this run in, it'd probably look like the saddest and most awkward situation ever. I didn't know what to do or to say, but Gabe was now encircled by fans.

"Do I wait?" I asked Emily, a little in shock. In shock that I wanted to wait and in shock that he still had such a hold on me.

"Do you want to wait?" She asked with no judgement in her voice.

"Yeah, but is that right?"

"Who cares? If you want to wait, let's wait," She smiled at me.

"Stay with me," I was so nervous.

Emily and I waited for about thirty minutes and we were finally told we had to leave by security. I started for the door; Gabe was still surrounded by fans and trying to be the good guy to them as they were being forced out too.

"Are we still waiting?" Emily asked.

"I don't know. I'm starting to feel a little desperate," I nervously laughed.

"Hey...sorry about that," Gabe said coming up to us outside. "You guys leaving?"

"I...uh...I should get going," I stuttered.

"Sure, of course...but you could come and hang out for a bit," He offered.

"I'm all set, but thanks," I said a bit coldly. I didn't want to come off as a bitch, but I was just feeling like an asshole with him being so nice to me.

"I want to meet your new band," Emily said enthusiastically and I shot her a look.

"Sadie?" Gabe asked.

"Sure."

We stepped onto the tour bus and I was nervous beyond belief. I wasn't acting myself at all. I somehow couldn't help being cold and standoffish to Gabe. I didn't want to be that way, but I couldn't help it. I was trying to protect myself, because when he pulled me out of the crowd and I saw him – nothing had changed. I got the butterflies in my stomach, which I had when we first started dating, but I wasn't feeling as confident as I did in college. I felt like the ugly girl that had a huge crush on the hot kid. I was flustered to say the least. I still had so many feelings for him.

After being introduced to the band and the Gym Class Heroes, Gabe asked me to step outside. I was hoping I wouldn't have to be alone with him. I felt either cold one-word answers or verbal diarrhea coming on. I was such a mess in my head.

"I don't want us to be like this," Gabe said as I stepped off the bus behind him.

"Like what?" I shot back.

"Awkward and cold. I don't like it."

"I'm sorry..." Is all I could get out. I had no idea what to do.

"Did you like the show?" He smiled at me and I melted, like the first time we met. I was the typical girl when I saw him for the first time. He was just so adorable.

"You guys sound good together," I said and leaned my back against the bus to look at him.

"Yeah, we get along well."

"Is that song a stab at me?" I asked and shoved my hands in my pockets.

"Snakes on a Plane?" He asked raising an eyebrow.

"No...you know which one I'm talking about," I shot back.

"Do you really want to fight? Why are you so cold right now?" He asked angrily.

"Things are...are just different," I shrugged

"You're awfully presumptuous. I mean to think I wrote a song about you," He was trying to make light of the situation, which was typical.

"Well, I normally wouldn't think someone to do that, but my words are in the song. I just thought, maybe."

"You totally fucked me up Sadie," He whispered angrily and came toward me and I straightened up, my back completely against the bus and my heart started racing.

"I thought we were good, we were fine... I loved you and you just left me," He said running his hands through his hair in frustration. He stood almost toe to toe with me.

"I didn't just leave you...you were leaving me. That was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I knew I had to do it. You were getting your dream. I wanted that for you. I just knew it wasn't long before I was replaced..." I said moving away and to the side of him. I could feel the emotion coming up from deep in my stomach and through my throat.

"Well, it was longer and now you have been replaced," It felt mean, but I know it wasn't meant that way.

"All I want for you is to be happy, so I hope you are," I couldn't look at him or I'd start crying. It had been two years since we had broken up, what was wrong with me?

"I'm sorry...I don't want to be mean to you," He said taking my hands in his.

"I don't want to be mean to you either," I sighed.

"The song was...an outlet for me to let you know I was over it."

"Yeah..." I said suppressing the tears. "Shouldn't I be getting some royalties?" I finally said looking up at him.

"Probably," He laughed. "What are you doing tomorrow night?"

"I'm going to be busy," I said defensively.

"Drop the shield," He said angrily. "Why can't you just be my friend? Be normal?"

"I can't be that to you...ever," I laughed exasperated.

"Well, if you decide not to be busy tomorrow...we're playing a show in Jersey and I'd love for you to come and hang out with me."

"I'll see," I said genuinely.

I heard the bus doors open and laughter spilling out; and Emily.

"Gabe, you gotta go," She said staying near the bus, giving Gabe and me some space.

"Let me know," Gabe told me and I just nodded and Emily walked away to catch the train home.