We're Going Live

When I awoke I immediately got the feeling I was stuck to his chest, only realising I was cocooned in a sheet and his arms. I shivered contently, watching as bored cars drove down the street below us. He was snoring slowly, his foot poking out the side of the chair. I touched the few freckles on his chest, joining them with my finger whilst trying not to wake him. His hand twitched gently and it fell down to my back, obviously signifying that he was conscious enough to tell me he liked what I was doing.

I looked up, kissing the tip of his stubbly chin.

“I feel beyond marvellous,” he murmured, closing his eyes again. Only Gerard could get away with saying something like that.

“Kiss me again,” he murmured, “I love it when you kiss me,” he said, as I crawled up his chest and pecked his lips a few times. I felt him drag his fingers through my hair and down my back, making me nuzzle sleepily in his lips, “I’ll ring mom in a minute see how Chubs is doing,” he murmured, kissing back subtly.

“I’ll go and get your mobile if you want?” I offered, sitting up and shivering when the air hit me, I quickly fell back down.

“Sure,” he murmured, sniffing. I sat up again, this time wrapping the sheet around myself and pulling the side of the duvet around Gerard so he wouldn’t freeze. I pushed the door open, walking over to Gerard’s crumpled jeans and searching around for his mobile. I flipped it open, my sleepiness vanishing for a second when I saw twelve missed calls from Mikey.

I poked my head out of the door again, seeing Gerard was asleep again. Then, I scuttled into the bathroom and closed the door, phoning Mikey back. He picked up instantly.

“Gerard?” he asked.

“No, it’s me,” I murmured, hoping he’d get the just that it was me.

“Oh god, seriously, you have to listen to me. I did not do it. I didn’t, I didn’t, it was him!-“ Mikey began in some tired ramble. I stopped him.

“I’m not ringing to pin the blame on you, I ringing to see if you know where we are because I don’t want you to worry,” I replied coolly, it was true as well, I didn’t want him calling the police thinking Gerard had vanished.

“I know where you are! I rang my mom! But can’t you listen to me I didn’t film you! I honestly didn’t I love you too to go around doing that to you, and, and, although you hate me I do love you, I’m not going to not tell you anymore because I do! I maybe I don’t love you like Gee does, maybe I do love you like a little sister but I still don’t want to see you hacked in some garbage dumpster somewhere,” he stressed, my throat feeling broken as he spoke, “Please, believe me. I’ve only ever lied to you once, to protect you though!”

“Mikey, I can’t do what everyone wants me to do. That’s not the case. No one understands. And if no one ever understands then fine but you listen to me. I love him. I will do anything for him and the feelings reciprocal, we’ve come to far together. If you think that’s weird of crazy then whatever –that’s just how it is. Okay? No person is going to change that or force him to take pills..,”

“Would you listen to yourself? He’s ruined you! When I first met you; you were bright, blonde, thin, smiley. Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately? You’re too pale, too skinny, the last time you smiled because you were genuinely happy was over a year ago… you’re going to kill your own self from loving him. I don’t know what the hell I can say to make you realise that he’d going to kill you! Not physically, but mentally. How can I make you see that?” he asked, his voice strained.

I wanted to believe him, I knew he was right but I felt like I had two brains One with common sense and all the normal human thoughts and feelings and then the other one, the dark marble blue one where people flew around on poles. My Gerard mind and I had come to find that my Gerard mind was more excited, less boring and he didn’t treat me like I was a baby.

“You can’t,” I decided eventually, “I’m sorry you think that. And I’m sorry I blamed you. But I’d rather be dead than not have Gerard,” I told him, cutting off the phone.

As soon as I pressed that red button I felt two arms encircled my head and I knew instantly it was Gerard. I cuddled into his stomach, feeling emotionally drained from that last sentence. But it was true, and to me, right then, that’s all that mattered.

“I love you. Not that corny old movie love. I love you it hurts,” Gerard muttered, “But not that clichéd heart ache hurt either. I’m obsessed. And the word love can’t do it. It’s like trying to eat milk chocolate when you want dark, it just doesn’t cut the mustard,” he mumbled, his nasally voice ringing around the bathroom as I chuckled, “I didn’t film you though, Rob did. I honestly didn’t look once. I stopped him I didn’t want to ruin this holiday with thoughts of cameras. I knew that Gerard had probably gotten a video fro one of his friends at the horse racing place, maybe it was even that guy at the train station? But it could be over now. I could go home, make everything up with Mikey and everything would be fine.

“Yeah, we’ll make everything up with Mikey and then everything will be fine,” he sighed. I looked up and gave him a questioning look, not understanding how he could read my thoughts.

I think maybe he was just magic.