We're Going Live

We didn’t talk once, all that night, on the train back home, the taxi home, even when we went back to his house. He stripped off in the hallway and went upstairs straight away, not even coming with me to pick Charlie up. That’s where I was now, dressed in army combats and one of Gerard’s band tees seeing as we had no clean clothes.

I didn’t think I’d ever missed Charlie that much.

“Hey darling,” Donna smiled, bouncing a drooling Charlie on her hip, “Where’s Gerard?” she asked, smiling when Charlie squealed delightedly. I cuddled the fluffy mop of dark hair on the top of his head, not caring that his podgy hands were getting tangled in my own hair, “If you don’t mind me saying so, you don’t look exactly bright dear? Michaels upstairs if you want to talk to him?” she said, her glossy lips pursing slightly.

I smiled and nodded, feeling a little disorientated for some reason. I shuffled upstairs regardless, mumbling to Charlie on the way. I tapped lightly on Mikey’s old room door before stepping in. It was like any other ‘teenager boys’ room. The walls were covered in pin ups and posters, chosen music articles and movie pictures. It smelt faintly of deodorant and duvet covers, obviously being untouched since he had left home.

My nerves got the better of me so I couldn’t help but dither in the door, letting Charlie claw at my face to get my attention.

Mikey was sitting up on his window sill, half leaning out of the glass so the joint he was smoking billowed into the backyard.

“Shit,” he muttered, obviously thinking I was Donna, “Oh hey, close the door?” he chuckled, flicking the ash out onto the window, “Leave Charlie on the chair and you can come have a toke,” he laughed, I plonked Charlie down at the end of the bed, tucking the bottom of the duvet around him so he couldn’t roll away. I vaulted up onto Mikey’s window sill and grinned shyly at him, my eyes catching one of his posters.

“Real tasteful Mikey,” I laughed, leaning forward to take the joint off him.

“Gerard bought that for me when I was… fourteen? Along with a bunch of porn magazines, boy –was I shocked,” he laughed, falling silent fore a second, “Listen. Ren,, I’m sorry for starting that conversation, I shouldn’t have. Maybe if I had kept my dick in my pants for one second- he wouldn’t have heard. I thought it was a bit out of the blew when you started saying all the stuff, got me blushing though,” he chuckled, taking it back off me, “Haven’t gone like that since I was like… what? A kid?”

“Takes a lot to get you to blush then,” I joked, bringing my knees up to my chest cautiously

“Well, I guess it doesn’t matter right? All Gerard’s words. Gerard’s thoughts. I mean… what kinda brother is he? Does he just think below the belt? I just… I can’t,” he brought his hands up to his cheeks and rubbed them, looking stressed, “I can’t believe he would be okay with jacking off to my personal phone calls! I knew he was a bit screwed up but fuck! I feel humiliated, embarrassed -sick even!” he said, taking hefty breaths whilst rubbing his neck, “What do you see in him?” he asked.

That question knocked me off my feet a little, my cheeks flushing. It wasn’t as simple as Mikey wanted it to be, it just wasn’t. I wasn’t just going to fall out of liking him, because I did like him, more than anything ever. Call me crazy, or naive, whatever. I couldn’t help it.

“He’s different Mikey. He has sucha deep mind… wait that’s sounds stupid,” I muttered, “He thinks about things I wouldn’t have even started to think about. He’s awesome Mikey, really, no one sees how lovely he can be. He worked his ass off for months to just pay the bills and take me on a holiday. I should have just given him what he wanted-“

“Ren! No! You weren’t comfortable with doing it, you shouldn’t be lowered to doing something like that. I didn’t want you to do it because I could tell you didn’t want to. I may have wanted you to, I may have even thought about asking you but as a grown man asking you to do something like that is wrong, gross, it’s not even on the list. You’re just a kid-“ he began, I had to interrupt, I wasn’t a child, I was grown enough to push a baby out but not to do something simple like Gerard wanted me to?

“I’m as grown up as you are!” I told him, raising my eyebrow.

“Not really,” he murmured.

“I am! Mikey come on! Don’t feed me that bull, I know as much as you do,” I told him, “Just because I can’t… you-know-what, then that totally does not mean I’m a kid-“

“-Well it kinda does,” he said uncertainly.

“No it doesn’t, what? So no ones going to treat me like an adult until I make a sign on my chest saying ‘I can give head’,” I said sarcastically, “My god Mikey,” I muttered, rubbing my ankles through my combats.

“Well, no, but I was just saying that it is part of growing up –being comfortable with your body. I’m not saying that you’re childish I’m just saying that seeing as you and Gerard are practically joint at the hip you would be comfortable with doing those kinda things, that’s all I was saying?” he muttered snappily. I narrowed my eyes and slipped down off the window sill, padding over towards Charlie who was getting impatient and twitchy.

“So who cares? I’ve done it to him at least four times –in fact who actually cares? I shouldn’t have to prove anything to you. We’re not rating how good I am in bed! I can’t even remember what the hell we’re even fighting about but I’m not going to prove to you that whatever I was supposed to be proving to you in the first place!” I said, picking Charlie up under his chubby arms, “Anyways, I have to go, I only came to pick up Bub, so whatever,” I shrugged, slinging Charlie’s bag over my shoulder.

“I didn’t say anything about proving anything –I just asked why? Don’t go, at least stay for while you know Gerard’s just gonna be a asshole when you get back-“

“-Don’t call Gerard an asshole,” I told him, opening his door.

“See! You’re acting childish now! I wasn’t saying you should go give Gerard head to prove me wrong! I was just saying that if you were comfortable with him you wouldn’t give a shit!” Mikey said, slipping off his window sill.

“Thus making me want to prove you wrong! I am comfortable with him, we’re comfortable with each other! Sure, we have arguments sometimes but who doesn’t?” I asked him, jiggling Charlie on my hip, “I’m old enough to deal with him even if he was acting like a bit of an idiot. But we’re back home now and everything will be fine –you’ll see Mikey honest,” I told him, trying to calm down, “And he didn’t mean it at the hotel, he was just jealous,” I said, trying to cover for him so I could go and sort it out myself, “Just calm down,” I muttered.

“I can’t be calm! Okay, fuck Gerard, fuck your life now. If me and you had met, just normally met, we’d be together now. We’d be sleeping together now. I know this because whenever we’re talking alone, just being friendly together we always end up in some fucking heated moment! We’d be together, you know we would be!” he said, clenching his fist in his shirt. My foot began shaking up and down as I contemplated with staying and leaving.

I didn’t like thinking about myself with out Gerard, that would be horrible. Take your right leg, saw that off and you’d have how I would feel. Being with Mikey was the safe bet, the one where I wouldn’t get hurt. The one with the boring life, the stupid jobs, proper GCSE’s. I wasn’t like that anymore. I just couldn’t tell him that.

“No, Mikey. We wouldn’t,” I murmured, closing his door with a small click