This Is Where I Scream From

The next day I'm feeling nothing special. I woke up and nobody else was awake so I began to make myself some coffee. I'm beginning to come down from my performance high from yesterday. I'm kind of afraid of what will happen now because I know myself and when I come down off of a period of happiness, I crash and burn. Nothing good ever lasts. Depression hits and the urge to bleed overwhelms me, and I've never been able to overcome it. Not until two nights ago, but that's only because I had the object of my affection talking to me for once.

The coffee is taking too long to make and it's too damn silent on this bus. my palms start sweating and I'm getting nervous. I can literally feel myself getting more depressed by the minute, and I vow silently to myself to never get as ecstatic again.

I bite my lip and wish that I never have emotions at all. I can feel my blood pumping through my veins and I just want to tear off all my skin.

I resist thinking about him because I know that I will get more and more depressed, but my resolve is crushed when he gets out of bed. He saunters over to me and his whole body is just screaming "Touch me, I"m sexy." but my mind is screaming "You'll never be good enough fro him" even louder.

He looks impossibly hot in his tee shirt and boxers. His hair is all ruffled and kind of reminds me of sex hair.

"'Morning. Coffee ready yet?" he slurs, still a bit disoriented from sleep. It's adorable. I hate it.

"Nah...I just got up. It'll be ready in a bit." We share an awkward silence until his phone rings. He answers it, telling me it'll only take a few minutes.

Bob walks into the room a few moments later, with a tired "'sup, dude?"

I don't say anything. I just shrug. I'm trying to hold myself together until I can get away from everyone.

"Hey Frank, dude have you been feeling alright? You've been acting a bit strange."

"Have I?" I ask. I don't really want to talk about it at this moment in time.

"Yeah dude, you seem like you've got no energy, you're walking around like you're being held together by pins, I don't know, you just seem kinda down."

I sigh. "Bob, I'm fine. I just haven't been sleeping well."

He gives me a disbelieving look. I know he doesn't buy it. "Frank, You've been sleeping like a baby for the most part. I've heard you snoring."

I just shrug.

It's at this time that Gerard walks back into the room. "What's up guys?" he asks.

I just mumble a quiet "Nothing."

Bob decides to make everything even more difficult for me by getting Gerard in on this. "Have you noticed Frank acting a bit down lately?" He asks. I just want the earth to open up and swallow me whole.

"Come to think of it, yeah. What's up with you Frank?" he asks me. I know he's trying to be sympathetic, but I just want to run away from all of this at the moment.

Instead, I keep a grip on my self control and pour myself a cup of coffee while giving a half-assed reply of "nothing."

"That's bull and you know it." Bob states. Gerard nods and takes a step closer to me. It's starting to feel like and interrogation and I'm getting a bit claustrophobic on this tiny bus. My eyes dart towards the bus door because we've just pulled in at a rest stop.

"Whatever, I'm going out for a a smoke." I start to walk away but Gerard grabs my wrist and stops me. I don't turn around though. I don't want to face him.

I sigh and whisper a quiet "Gee, just let me go. I don't want to talk about it."

he stays silent but soon lets me go. "I need a smoke too," he says "but I won't make you tell me." He follows me as I step outside and light up a cigarette. It immediately calms me down and I feel somewhat better. I hand one to Gerard.

"Look, sorry about not telling you everything, but I think it's something I can handle by myself. I kinda need to handle it by myself." I tell him, not looking at his face.

"Alright, Frankie, but I'm worried about you." He puts a hand on my shoulder. "Really worried."

He stared into my eyes for a long time and brought his other hand up so that he was half-hugging me. The moment was cut short when his phone rang again. He gave me an apologetic look and answered it.

"Hey babe, what's up?"