This Is Where I Scream From

We made sure our faces were dry and then headed out to see the other guys. I plastered a smile on my face and made sure I acted a bit happier.

Mikey kept shooting me nervous glances, almost as if with one wrong move, I would break.

"What was that about?" Bob asked.

"Oh nothing. Mikey just had to tell me something. Don't worry about it." I replied.

"Frank, you didn't come out with us so we got you some coffee." Ray handed me the cup and I was very grateful.

"Thanks guys," I smiled. I felt a little better until Gerard spoke up.

"So you guys get to meed my friend Eliza today. We're meeting her at a rest top and she's hanging with us for a bit." He had a glowing smile on his face. It was the most depressing thing I've seen in ages.

"You're so going to love her...she's so awesome, and she's really like...pretty." He blushed.

I didn't have the emotional energy it took to break down at the moment, so I just stayed silent.

"Dude, that's awesome. Is she 'just a friend?'" Bob asked.

Gerard just smiled. "For now."

Everyone was happy for Gerard. He's been alone ever since we started the band. They were all glad that he might have a chance with someone.

I wanted to stab myself.

I just nodded and half-smiled. I was too tired to do anything.

"Kay. I'm gonna go to bed for a few hours." I turned to leave, but Gerard spoke up.

"Wait! Frankie..."

"I'm tired Gerard." I said in a monotonous voice. I started to walk away but he grabbed my cut arm. I let out a squeak. It still hurt. "Gerard, let go." I said quietly. I was trying to hold it in but I was exasperated and didn't know how long I could go without crying. This is the second time he's held me back from escaping today.

"But Frank...I wanna..."

"Gerard, just let him go." Mikey cut in. I looked at him and there was a moment of understanding. I gave him a quick look that said 'thank you' and he just nodded.

Gerard sighs and lets go of my arm. I hold it close to me and it stings. I walk back to my bunk and crawl in, just laying there for a while and trying not to cry, but it ended up happening anyway.

After a while, Mikey stood at the side of my bunk and asked to come in. I slid over and he crawled to my side.

"You must be feeling really depressed right now. I'm so sorry."

"What?" I ask.

"Gerard might like this chick. I know how it feels to be rejected. It's rough dude."

"Wait...how did you know?" I asked him. "Am I really that obvious?"

"Nah, I've just always been really perceptive of this kind of stuff." he replied.

"What, love or heartbreak?"

"Physical attraction really. I've seen the way you look at him. I don't think anyone else knows though." he assured me.

There were a few minutes where he kept silent and let me cry, but then I was curious. "Does it bother you?" I asked.

"What?"

"Me being attracted to your brother.." I replied.

"Well... it did at first, because it felt like it was just you and Gerard always off together being best friends, and you like him and hes' my brother and everything, so that was a bit awkward, but I got over it eventually."

"Oh." was all I said.

"Is that why you-"

"Yep" I interrupted. I knew he was talking about my cuts.

"Look, it doesn't bother me that you love him, but I do get upset that you hurt yourself over him."

I didn't know what to say. I wasn't about to stop cutting but I don't want Mikey upset too.

"Look, Mikey. It's harder than it looks. I can't just stop while I'm going through a really depressing point in my life. If you did it, you'd understand."

His eyes got wide and he just looked at me.

"NO! no, no no... I'm not saying you should go do it. God, I'd never want for anyone else to have to turn to this to feel better, but it's just hard for you to understand at the moment. It's like... have you ever tried to quit smoking?"

"Yeah dude, it sucks."

"That's what it's like." I replied.

Just then, we heard Gerard's voice. "Guys! Come meet Eliza! Mikey! Frank!"

Mikey looked at me. "Are you gonna be able to do this, or do you want me to tell him you're sick?" he asked. He's such a good friend.

"No. I'll be able to. I have to meet her eventually anyway."

"You sure?" he asked. I just nodded and got out of the bunk.

"Where were you guys?" Gerard asked.

"Um..." I started.

"Just talking." Mikey said.

"Alright. Whatever. But anyway... this is Eliza!" He exclaimed and introduced us to a girl who was kind of pretty, but not all that great.

I didn't talk at all much for the next few hours. Eliza did most of it. She told us about how she's friends with Jeffree Star and how she knows all of the famous people. She bragged about how cool she is the entire night, but Gerard just smiled and kept his eyes on her the whole time.

When she left, it wasn't a moment too soon. I could tell that the rest of the guys didn't like her at all. I thought she was a total bitch.

"So what did you guys think?" he asked.

Mikey started off. "Er...she's...I don't know. She's not as great as I expected her to be...sorry."

Gerard's smile fell. "What?" he asked. Ray and Bob agreed with Mikey.

"I think she's a bitch, Gerard, and you can do better." I said before I stalked off to go back to bed.