Just to Hold You Close and Tight

I gave up on sleeping at eight in the morning. My friends were still sleeping, so I put in another movie and waited.

Chelsea woke up first. This didn’t surprise me in the least. She never slept in too late, and she was a light sleeper. Gabby, however, slept like a rock. It was also a bad idea to wake her up. She would most likely kill you.

“Good morning,” Chelsea said in a normal voice, not worrying about being too loud and waking up Gabby. That was impossible.

“’Morning.” I rubbed my eyes.

She scowled when she took in my appearance. “You don’t look very rested.”

I grimaced. “Does it show?”

Putting her arm around my shoulder as she had the day before, she said, “I can only tell because I know you so well. Is it really so bad that you can’t even sleep?”

“You’re two hours ahead here,” I mumbled, but I knew she saw through my feeble excuse.

Her frown deepened. “Talking might help, you know,” she said softly, cautiously.

I sighed and put my head on her shoulder, appreciating her support. Maybe she was right. I knew I couldn’t tell her everything – not even close – but maybe I could at least explain to her how I was feeling. Maybe it would help. Hesitantly, I said, “Well… maybe it couldn’t hurt.”

“It might, actually,” she warned me, “but it might help too. It’s not good to smother the feelings inside you and ignore them. I learned that when my mom died.”

I thought over her wise words carefully. If Ray had died, she probably would have been right, but I thought this was a different case. He wasn’t dead, he was alive, and I would see him soon. I honestly thought it couldn’t hurt. “Maybe… I should talk.”

“Whatever you want,” she said.

“I don’t know what to say,” I realized out loud.

“What are you thinking right now?” she asked.

I thought for a minute. I was thinking about how far away he was. “I miss him,” I whispered.

Chelsea rubbed my back sympathetically. “That’s not hard to believe,” she said, trying to lighten the conversation. It didn’t really work. “Is that why you couldn’t sleep?”

I nodded, and I realized that I had been wrong, and she had been right. It was hurting to talk; more than I had expected.

“What do you miss?”

What did I miss? I missed his voice, the care in his eyes, his expressions, the accomplishment I felt when I got him to open up and show his true self… I even missed his odd sense of humor and his strange way of looking at everything like it was a math problem. What I missed the most, though, was his touch. I hadn’t had access to simple things like holding his hand or hugging him for nearly long enough before I had to leave. I knew I was going to cry before I even finished my thought. I cried way too easily. It was embarrassing. “I miss everything,” I whimpered.

Now she stroked my hair comfortingly. “I’m sorry, Amber. This isn’t helping, is it?”

“No, it is,” I said quickly. Right then, I was able to let everything out without hiding an ounce of pain. I didn’t have to trap it inside of me. “I need this.”

I sobbed again, and I let my mind wander. This was worse than when he was a ghost. I couldn’t even see him, and I could only talk to him on occasion. This was torture, and it would’ve been my own personal hell if I didn’t have my friends. My hand went to my locket. I toyed with it absentmindedly. This wasn’t really a good idea, though. I vowed that I wouldn’t break down in front of either of them again.

“Pretty necklace,” she said thoughtfully.

More tears streamed down my face. “Thanks,” I choked out. “He gave it to me for my birthday.”

She seemed to be at a loss for words.

I laughed bitterly. “Thanks for trying. I do feel a little better.” I wasn’t lying. It wasn’t that I didn’t miss him as much, but I felt freer.

It was then that Gabby rolled over and groaned. Chelsea smiled and gave me the funniest look, so, naturally, I had to laugh. She laughed too, but we stopped abruptly when Gabby’s eyes flew open.

She frowned, noting my tear-streaked face. “How much fun did I miss?” she asked sarcastically.

Chelsea and I broke out in giggles. Gabby’s frown slowly faded until she was laughing too. Leave it to them to get me laughing thirty seconds after I was crying. “I guess all I need is to be distracted,” I said, smiling.

“We’re going shopping today,” Gabby announced. “That should keep us very busy.”

I opened my mouth to say I didn’t have enough money for that if I was going to be paying for everything but my apartment, but then I remembered the envelope filled with cash. I still hadn’t opened it; it was stuffed in my purse. I decided it wouldn’t be too bad if I used a little bit of it… Besides, Ray had said to use it for anything, and I hadn’t been able to pack all my clothes. There were a few things I actually needed…

A grin spread across my face. “Shopping sounds perfect,” I said.

“Of course it does,” Chelsea replied, rolling her eyes.

I laughed. We got dressed and made pancakes, careful not to let Chelsea do any of the actual cooking. We didn’t really want to burn the house down.

I looked at the clock every once and a while, wondering what time would be late enough to call Ray. At eleven, my phone rang, and I dashed up the stairs, saying I needed to get something.