Forever Fades Away

Pizza boxes and empty beer cans scattered my bedroom floor. There were high-heeled shoes sprawled about and empty DVD cases as well. It was my home, the home I now shared with no one but myself.

No one went home after the funeral. Everyone had gathered at Brian’s former home and never left.

I laid on the floor upstairs in my bedroom. I was on my back staring at the ceiling. Zack and I had proceeded to talk about everything and anything.

He was right, I needed to talk about everything and not hold things in. I can safely say that changed my mind about life.

Leana, Jimmy and Val were laying sideways on the bed watching some movie together. Matt brought up a recliner from downstairs and sat in the corner. Zack was on the floor next to me.

Everyone else that was still around were in and out of the bedroom and hung out downstairs and watched a game. Everyone felt somewhat peaceful.

“I’m so full from the pizza, but I kinda want something sweet,” I said to no one in particular. “I wish Cold-Stone was still open.” I glanced at the hanging clock on the wall; it read 10:35 PM.

“That sounds really good, we should send someone to the grocery store and pick up some ice cream,” Leana said. She popped up from the bed and glanced over our way.

Matt merely shifted his eyes between the television mounted on the wall and Leana.

“With whip cream, chocolate, caramel, cherries, nuts…” Val mumbled. She looked tired.

“Baby, will you go please?” she said to Matt.

Once again, his eyes went back and forth between the television but this time to Val.

“I’m exhausted. You girls go,” he replied.

I fiddled with my engagement ring, “We look like shit. None of us are wearing makeup,” I rolled over to my side and noticed Zack smiling at me.

“What are you smiling at?” I asked him.

“You care what you look like? It’s hard to believe that. You didn’t shower or change your clothes for the past how many days?”

“Hey, leave her alone. Besides, she’s right, you girls look like shit,” Jimmy added.

I heard everyone groan, in particular us girls.

“Some waffle cones and sprinkles too!” I said out loud.

“Some birthday cake ice cream, mmm,” Zack said. I quickly looked away and tried to keep my composure. Birthday cake ice cream was Brian’s favorite.

“Even more of a reason to go get it now, it was Brian’s favorite,” Zack said to everyone.

“All the grocery stores are closed,” Matt said. He really didn’t want to move. I think he had his eyes closed.

“Wal-Mart isn’t,” Zack said.

“I am so not going then,” Matt laughed. “I don’t want to get attacked by girls there.”

“Who said they’d go after you? They want this right here,” Zack pointed to himself.

“Oh that’s right, you love getting any sort of attention to boost your ego,” Val added.

“You guys should have seen him in Mexico. I never saw him by himself, always had a lady in tow,” I said.

“That’s just too hard to believe,” Matt said.

“Okay all this talking isn’t going to get us ice cream. Matthew, go. Now,” Val said.

“I’ll go Matt. I need to stretch a bit. C’mon Zack, drive me there. You guys write down what you want.”

I walked over to the walk-in closet. I looked myself over in the mirror. I looked horrible. My face was so swollen. My black eye was green and yellow, but it seemed to stand out with my red puffy eyes. My hair had no volume in it, and was tangled to the max.

My clothes were extremely wrinkled. I almost looked like a druggie.

“You look fine, lets go,” Zack said. He was standing at the door. He looked no different than me, except for the bruise and swollen face.

It was a beautiful night out. It was just the perfect weather for a stroll on the beach. I had put on a black cardigan but it wasn’t too hot for it. I felt warm and relaxed.

Zack opened up the windows on the drive to the store. The beautiful, intoxicating smell of the beach immediately filled up the car. I wanted to cry.

“Do you think it’ll ever get easy?” I shakily asked Zack. He knew immediately what I was talking about.

The city was engulfed with lights and people. There was certainly a crowd out tonight.

“No,” I looked away from the window and stared at him. The small smile I had on my mouth started to fade away. “Nothing is ever easy. We just learn to live with the pain. We put it away and store it forever, locked inside our hearts. Sometimes, we learn how to cover that part up, and we live as though it was our last day. But there’s always that something that will open it up again, certainly when you least expect it,” Zack never took his eyes off the road.

“Do you miss her?” I asked him about Gena. He hadn’t heard a word from her since they split up.

“I miss her more and more everyday. I’ve also started to miss her less and less, if that makes sense.” I shook my head. I didn’t understand him. “I miss her because today was one of the hardest days of my life. I didn’t think I’d make it through, but I did. I made it through because she was gone, meaning I didn’t need her. If I’m strong enough to make it through this, I can get over her just as easy.”

We stopped at a red light and neither of us said a word.

“I’m glad it happened though,” Zack said. He looked over to me and smiled.

“Why is that?”

“If she felt ignored and unappreciated, I can only imagine how I was towards others,”

“Zack, you are seriously someone I envy. You were always there for Brian when he needed you. Your family just absolutely loves you. You don’t ignore anyone,” I said before he could finish.

“Yeah well, I re-evaluated everything and I let everyone know how much I appreciated them. I know actions speak louder than words, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt if I just let them know. I’m just glad I talked to Brian…” he trailed off.

I smiled at the mention of Brian’s name. This time, it didn’t hurt as much.

“He wanted me to be his best man at the wedding,” Zack said.

“I’m sure no one would dispute his decision,” I said.

“Yeah, no kidding.” The light turned green and Zack started to drive again.

“Brian said everything would work out, what do you think he was talking about?” I asked him.

“That everything will get better?”

“Yeah, but what’s ‘everything’? What’s not working?” I truly had no idea. I knew what he said was not a general term for everything. It must have been something specific.

“Who knows. Maybe time is all we have now. I mean think about it, who knows what the future can bring?”

“But Brian won’t be there. How can things work out if I’m all alone, without Brian?” I was starting to feel sad again.

“Enough of that, lets get some ice cream. You’ll feel better,” Zack said. He shut off the engine and opened the door.

We loaded up on every sweet treat imaginable. I bought two boxes of ice cream sandwiches for myself. Zack checked off his list and made sure he had everyone’s requested sweet treat.

The drive home was relatively quiet. A few grunts and groans escaped both our mouths, but no actual words were spoken. I think Zack was okay with that though; I tended to blab about pointless things at times.

“What are you thinking of?” Zack asked.

I was caught off guard. I looked at him for a couple of seconds. Nothing registered.

“What?”

“I said what are you thinking of?” he laughed.

“Oh, nothing really. Well actually I was just thinking about how I tend to ramble a lot sometimes. The silence was sorta driving me insane…Zack?”

“Hmm?”

I fumbled with the seat belt on my lap, “What are you thinking of?”

He looked at me with curiosity, “What’s that suppose to mean?”

“Nothing, just you always know what to say to people. You care so much for others and ask for nothing in return.”

“I just want to see a smile on your face, that’s all I ask God for,” he said. I smiled and looked out the window.

“I know a lot of people have promised you so many things only to break them afterward. There’s nothing I can do about that, but I can keep the promise I made to Brian,”

“I believe you Zack, don’t worry,” I shrugged it off.

“I’ll always be here for you,” Zack reached over and grabbed my hand. He gently squeezed it.

I glanced down at it and a smile spread across my face.

Then and there I knew everything was going to be fine. I lost the love of my life but I didn’t lose the ability to live. I could still love someday, I just needed to give it time.

I’ll never forget Brian. He put up with me at my worst, and I did with him as well. I’ll always remember Brian. He showed me how to love and live together, and that’s something no one will ever be able to take away from me.

I can deal with Brian not being here with me physically now. I know he’ll always be a part of me deep inside. His heart may not have worked properly but mine does. I intend to use it for its purpose.

I started choking up with tears.

“Promise you won’t leave me Zack,” I said, trying to sound brave.

“Forever,” he replied.