Forever Fades Away

Brian

I sat in my new room alone. It was cold and smelled like bleach. It was just too much for me to handle. The doctor had refused to let me go out to smoke, and I needed a cigarette So I had a leaky valve, so what? That didn’t mean I had to quit today. The doctor said I had a great chance of recovery, and I’d only need a repair. I just wanted to go home…

“Knock, Knock” Jimmy said as he walked in with my parents. My spirits were immediately lifted. My step-mom Suzy looked like she’d been through hell and back. My dad merely looked solemn.

“Hey guys. Where’s everyone else?” I asked surprised. I tried to immediately keep the attention away from myself.

“They’re all in the waiting room. They’ll come up later on after us.” Jimmy replied. The room was quiet. “God you fucker! You scared the living shit out of us!” Jimmy added.

“Keep your voice down, Jimmy.” Suzy reminded him. He immediately look at the floor. As those words were spoken, Matt, Zack, Val and Johnny walked through the door.

“Fuckin’ Gates!” Johnny yelled. Everyone had a large smile on their face, no doubt to hide concern.

“What’s up short shit?” I was glad they were here. The more people in here, the less likely they’d probe with questions.

“So what’s going on? You okay? Gosh, I’m so glad Zack was there.” Val said. I guess I was wrong about them asking more questions.

“He still owes me a beer.” It was exactly what I needed right now. Val rolled her eyes.

“How long you gotta stay?” Matt asked. He stood the furthest away from me.

“Don’t know. My heart has been beating pretty irregular, but the nurse said its nothing to worry about so much. She says they’re shooting for tomorrow.” Matt leaned against the wall and stuck his hands into his pockets.

“We have a show coming up pretty soon. We’ll have JC play your solos man.” He smiled as Johnny threw him a dirty look. He was right, I had completely forgotten about the home show.

“Hardy har har. I’ll be fine by then.”

“Son, you gotta take things slow,” my dad said.

“Hey old man, I didn’t have a heart attack!” I laughed out loud. That caused an awkward silence. “You guys, I’m fine okay? I’ve talked to the doc already. We already have a plan in place. Don’t worry about it.” I was agitated by this point.

I don’t know how I’ll make it without snapping at them.

“So where’s your wife?” Johnny innocently asked. It had been a while since she left. That may have been the reason why I felt so alone. Jimmy got up from the seat next to my bed.

“I’ll call her. I’m on the way out anyways, gotta let you get your beauty sleep.”

“Oh what a good insult, fucker.” I shot back immediately. He stepped outside to make the call. I was feeling anxious once again. My heart rated started climbing. Val noticed and walked to my side. She placed her small hand on top of my own.

“Calm down Brian. I’m sure she’s on her way” she whispered and gave me a warm smile. Jimmy walked back in with his arm around a familiar girl.

“Hey everyone. Sorry I took so long Brian. I forgot your bag and had to drive back.” Mae said. Val moved from the side and let her in.

“She brought you your makeup and sleeping products” Zack said, beating Johnny to the punch.

“I’m glad someone keeps the shit talking up while I’m gone,“ my dad said. I shot him a dirty look.

“You put them to this, don’t you?” I asked.

“Take care son. We’re heading out to get your sister. If any of you guys need anything, don’t be afraid to ring.” He looked around the room. Suzy hugged Mae and Val and gently rubbed my hand. They both walked out. Everyone else felt as though they needed to leave suddenly too. While I was sad to see them leave so soon, I was relaxed about it as well. It meant I didn’t have to deal with pity, yes their pity.

They acted as though I was dying. They acted as though I had a terminal disease and I had little time left.

Fuck them…ok no. Just fuck their caring attitudes.

“How are you feeling? Do you need anything? I’m sorry I was gone for so long. Are you hurting?” Mae spat out. I didn’t even understand a word she said.

“Don’t start that.”

“Start what Brian?” she pulled her chair as close as she could get to the bed. Mae leaned forward and rested her head on the bed. She took her right hand and placed it on my own hand. The room was suddenly warmer.

“I’m sorry.” Mae said slowly. “I won’t ask anymore questions.”

I looked at her pleading eyes. She had tried covering up the puffiness with makeup.

“You look beautiful.” I suddenly spat out. She could do that to me. I only had to look into her eyes and I’d be captivated by her sweet face. She had stolen my heart completely, well my now nonfunctional heart that is.

Mae stood up and leaned in to kiss me. She gently placed her luscious lips to mine and placed her hand onto my chest, exactly over my heart. I placed my hand with the IV onto her cheek. I kissed her back now twice as hard.

I parted my lips and Mae gently sucked on my bottom lip. My other hand, I placed it on her gentle hips. I pulled her as close as I could get her, as she stood next to the bed. Our kissing continued as I slid my tongue into her mouth.

A loud beep was heard behind me. She pulled away from the kiss and glanced at the monitor. My heart rate was well above 100 beats per minute.

“Tachycardia” as all she said. She sat back down in her chair.

“What?” I reached for her hand. I needed her right now.

“Your heart rate. It means fast heart rate” she lightly smiled.

“How do you know that? Are you sleeping with the doctor?” There was some major need for comical relief in this room.

“No love. I remember from health class. Get some sleep okay?”

“As long as you’re here with me.” I reached for her hand and pulled her towards me. “Can you lay down with me?” I asked her. She smiled and climbed into the hospital bed. She positioned herself on my side and placed her head on my chest, no doubt to listen to my heart beat.

“I love you, Brian.” she lazily said.

“I love you too, baby.” I kissed her hair.

The best dreams come to me when I’ve gone to bed without worry. I wish I could say the same about these ones though because I most definitely went to bed stressed. I wanted to leave the hospital. I was sick of the food and sick of all the attention; but I had the best dreams while there.

The dreams were colorful and vivid; they were real. I could smell the autumn leaves around me. I could smell Mae’s perfume, light and flowery. Although it was autumn in my dreams, the sun radiated out from behind the clouds, which cast a warm glow all around.

I couldn’t see anyone else though. I heard their voices, but couldn’t see them. Jimmy’s laugh bounced off the trees all around us. Zack’s voice was barely above a whisper, but I knew it was him. My father’s hearty laugh echoed Jimmy’s only not as dominant. I don’t remember anyone else though.

I do remember Mae. She was bright and luminescent. Her smile radiated. She was beautiful. Her warm brown hair shone bright in the sun. She was certainly a sight to see in my dreams. Thing was though, her voice was barely above a whisper, much like Zack’s.

I reached out to her but she ran away and smiled, showing her bright, straight teeth. She was playing a game, yet I still could not hear her. I was growing angry now. She suddenly walked straight through me.

She was looking for someone, who I’m not sure. She started to panic. I tried to touch her again but she didn’t see me, or rather couldn’t. I was a ghost to the world.

I jolted from my dream. I realized Mae was in my arms and I calmed down. A beep was heard from the machines around us, again.

It had to have been the powerful bleach smell that messed up my dream.