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First paragraph of my first story. Comments/criticism/suggestions - Comments

  • Those Who Favor Fire

    Those Who Favor Fire (100)

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    Wow. sounds very interesting :D I wanna read!
    July 2nd, 2011 at 06:47am
  • The Beatles

    The Beatles (100)

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    I meant to censor that word. Woops.
    July 2nd, 2011 at 06:39am
  • luna phantomhive.

    luna phantomhive. (105)

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    Oh, damn. :D That sounds so awesome, I'm not even exaggerating. Great job.

    And it'd be better if you censor that last word fuck. xD
    July 2nd, 2011 at 06:38am
  • the power of justice

    the power of justice (100)

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    It sounds pretty good, I admit it didn't draw me in straight away but by the time you got down to the part where he says "That's why I, Noah Deesen..." and talks about why he sleeps with girls, it drew me in. He's obviously some sort of man wh*re andit seems like he's trying to justify it. x]
    July 2nd, 2011 at 06:29am
  • ladyschrei

    ladyschrei (550)

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    You have to censor your cursing, please. I know you won't have to in your story, but in your journal you do.

    However, I think it's interesting. Not in a bad way, but interesting to see where it's going.
    July 2nd, 2011 at 06:28am
  • renai.

    renai. (100)

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    :'D I like it. Me wanna read-ie.
    July 2nd, 2011 at 06:27am
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