What Had Happened Was...

I understand if this is locked, because I'm feeling lazy and can't be assed to search.

So my mom and I joke around with the saying in the title because it's always an introduction to bullshit excuses. So in this thread, the first person will ask a question, then the next person starts with "what had happened was..." and makes up the craziest story they can.

For example:

Why were you late for school?

What had happened was I was going out for breakfast because I hadn't eaten in days and when I got there the line was out the door and when I got to the front I got distracted by this transexual who started hitting on me and tried to show me his junk and I got scared and ran out and then got hit by a cab and I was fine but I had to go home and change my clothes then I came straight here.

----

Why didn't you come to my birthday party?

Okay, so what happened was a group of lions attacked me. I was on the way, and, seeing as your house is right beside the zoo, I had to pass it to get there. I was almost at your house when BAM a bunch of lions burst out of the front gate and started to attack my car. It was bad. I'm lucky to be alive.

So, why didn't you bring me that movie I asked for?

What happened was, I was walking to the movie store since I can't drive, when a gay pride parade came by and they were doing the maracrena, I couldn't resist.

Why did you eat my fruit?

See, what had happened was that when I got up this morning, I was tired and didn't have my glasses on, so I went to take what I thought was a pear to eat this morning, I actually bit into a lightbulb, and then the lightbulb cut up my tongue and I was bleeding and had to go to the hospital, and I couldn't eat in the hospital because they said my tongue was too cut up, and then I said, "Fuck this," and left and came to see you and I saw you had some fruit and I just ate it and yeah.

Why the hell weren't you in class?

Well, I wasn't going to... but then a fruit fairy came along. It was outraged by the fruit just sitting there unprotected. It threatened to kill me if I didn't eat it. If it makes you feel any better... I puked after.

What are you doing with your hand? (This happened during lunch, a teacher asked it and my friend came up with the best bullshit.)
Late. Ignore.

See, what had happened was that this morning my hand was possessed by a demon, and now I'm trying to stop it from killing us all.

Why didn't you show up to practice?

Well, what happened was I almost got hit by a car, and had to exchange insurance information, and by the time that was over practice was half over, and you know i don't like going late, so I went to get a milkshake and walked home.

Why are you humping my dog?

what had happened was he was on fire and yo' fire extinguisher is broken so i had to hump him to save his life.

why did you steal my lunch money?

what had happened was that mah emergancy fund was runnin' low, and youz looks like you could spare a few dollas.

why were you all up in my face?

SEE WHAT HAD HAPPENED WAS, tharr be was a bugg up in it, and i was like, whatthefuck. and so, mane, i was like...trying to examinize it and remove said insectoid from yo' grill, because you my homie. But...then I realized...you was just made like that. No bugggg. Plus, I'm nearsighted.

why was you petting my cat...backwards?
(:

Well what had happened was when I left my crib I saw a bee and it looked like it was tryin to start some shit so I chased it down the street and that muthafucka was teasin me cause it could fly then it landed on your nose and that didn't stop me cause I was pissed off and it was stopped and I was like WHAT MUTHSFUCKA WHAT!? I saw some fairies in the fur and I was like o shit they gon eat yo cat, so I was tryin to rub em out.

Why'd you kill my fish?

Well what had happened was that I thought he wuz drownin', becuz swimming in water wifout no air can't be good, yu know?

Why did you punch me?

What had happened was I was swingin my arm to play bowling on my iPod and you walked up right then and I released the ball into your face. -_-

Why didn't you stop when the police tried to pull you over.

Well y'see, what had happened was I had my music up really loud and didn't hear the sirens, so I just kept driving, and I didn't notice them either because I was headbanging to my favorite song.

Why are you dressing up my dog?

What happened was that yo dog was feelin' kinda left out, seeing as he's the only dog in yo subdivision, and he was so lonely that I decided to grab a dog suit and join him. So he wouldn't feel lonely any more.
COMPLETELY misread that one, sorry.

Because he told me that he was having low self esteem problems because he wanted to look like Lady Gaga. So I grabbed the nearest lamp shade and bits of lace and went to town.

Why are you stealing my television?

Well, this group of ninja hobos attacked me. One of them only have one arm. I felt kind of scared so I offered to give them a TV, so I took yours.

Why are you looking at me like that?

See, what had happened was, you had a bug on your face and the whole time I was staring at you, I was thinking, "Damn, I really want to smack that bug off her face."

Why are you such a bitch?

See, what had happened was, that I really needed money and I volunteered for some scientific studies. They're trying to isolate all sorts of genes and I got injected with the bitch gene yesterday.

Why are you all wet? (Not in the dirty way, peoples.)

Well, I was walking along the beach, and it started raining. I slipped in a puddle and fell into the sea, but was saved by a passing squid.

How did you break your arm?

What had happened was, I was on my way to your house and a bunch of kids and I started an epic snowball war, and I fell on a patch of ice while trying to Matrix dive out of the way.

Why are you running away with my computer?