If You Really Knew Me

If you really knew me, you'd know that I just put on a strong front.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I suffer from depression.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm trying to fight off relapsing back into alcoholism.

If you really knew me, you'd get me a medium Dr. Pepper when I'm stressed.

If you really knew me, you would know that I'm not always crazy and sarcastic.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm a very sensitive person and take almost every little thing seriously.
If you really knew me, you'd know not to talk to me when I feel sick because I don't have the energy to reply.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm not happy.

if you really knew me, you'd know I laugh at my own jokes all the time.
if you really knew me, you'd know I laugh at everything else, too.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I bullshit myself all the time.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I almost killed myself in middle school/beginning of high school.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I suffer from depression and fight to control my tendencies to cut.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I've been through problems pertaining to rape/molestation involving close friends and family.

If you really knew me, you'd know I chew on things when I get stressed out.
if you really knew me, you'd know I just act like I'm okay with my life.

If you really knew me, you'd know i used to cut.

If you knew me, you would know I how much i actually cared.

If you knew me, you'd know I laugh when I am embarssed or nervous.

If you knew me, you'd know I feel like I don't fit in.

If you knew me, you'd know I am terrified.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I have been struggling with cutting for three years.
If you really knew me, you would know that I was suicidal at the end of 2010.
If you really knew me, you would know that I am obsessed with Spider-Man.
If you really knew me, you would know that I want to be a hero.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I don't like apples and hate apple juice.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I secretly don't hate children as much as I say.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I have an extremely low libido.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I studying actually makes me happy.

If you really knew me, you'd know that my mother and brother were the only two people that have been there for me my entire life.
If you really knew me, you'd know that there is no one that I completely trust.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I have dependency issues.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I always look for faults in a person I care about so I have a reason to stop caring.

if you really knew me, you'd know that people who talk about their problems make me really desperately uncomfortable.
if you really knew me, you'd know that i hate being in the same place for more than three days, including home,
if you really knew me, you'd know that i'm really not at all interested in science or math or history and that i take those advanced classes so i don't get bored.
if you really knew me, you'd know that i am extremely clueless about my future.
if you really knew me, you'd know that i feel like such a bullshit drama queen writing these.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I hate people.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I want nothing more than to escape this country, and never come back.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I spend more time living in my imagination than I do in the real world.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I have severe mood swings, but I don't bother telling anyone because I don't feel the need to confuse or worry them.
If you really knew me, you'd know just how much about myself I never tell anyone.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I only truly trust 3 people in my life, and then I am hesitant
If you really knew me, you'd know that I was bullied in Catholic School
If you really knew me, you'd know that I am unhappy with how a lot of things are in my life, but there is physically nothing I can do about it.

If you really knew me, you'd know not to fuck with me.

If you really knew me, you'd know I don't care that my avatar and my signature don't match.

If you really knew me, you'd know that my fears of intimacy and the future are so socially crippling, it's not purely being shy when I'm awkward around new people.

If you really knew me, you would know how close I am to killing myself.
If you really knew me, you'd also know how I'm too much of a coward to ever do that.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm in love with someone who will never love me back.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I just want to be someone's first choice.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I wish nothing more than to have a beautiful voice.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I wish I could be in a broadway, but have not the courage to do such a thing.
If you really knew me, you'd know that I truly am in love with the man sitting in my living room right now.