Confess on My Wayward Son

I don't hate my job. I really don't. But...

I'm so damn tired, but I don't mean like... lay down and take a nap or go to bed. I mean it in a different way and I don't think anyone is paying attention. I don't want to sit here and be like no, really, I'm fucking done so I can't be upset that no one realizes, I really can't. I just want people to stop expecting things of me that I can't fucking deliver because I'm a shitty person with too much anxiety and issues and baggage. I feel like I'm giving my all just for everyone to turn around and tell me that it's not good enough, "give more, try harder." I can't. I mentally, emotionally, and physically can't fucking give any more than I'm giving, and that's the worst part. My all isn't enough and it doesn't matter how tired I am because it's not like I can ask for a pause. I'm about to be 22 and I have nothing to show for it. I have absolutely nothing to show for it and I can't keep doing this. I can't. I just can't. I'm so fucking tired. I want to go back to being 18. It seemed like the end of the world when I actually did turn 18 but at least it wasn't this and I didn't feel like sobbing myself into a coma because I'm going nowhere in life while everyone else my age seems to have a goddamn plan.

little me;:

I don't hate my job. I really don't. But...

I want to quit I want to quit I want to quit I want to quit
I'm so over this bs management and people who are only good at saying shit but never actually doing anything.

But I have to stay because if I go to another place now, I won't have the two weeks vacation time that I'll need in November to go to Japan.

I feel like with this and with my home life, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, all because I wanted to go on a vacation for once. Ugh.

Yep, mind's all made up. LOL.

Just why can't i fucking get over you. It's not fair that after all this time has passed you're still the one I want. The one I want to kiss, hold, do all the things I talk shit about because secretly I'm jealous I can't do all the typical "relationship" things most couples do that I want to do with you.

At the fair when you hugged me, for just a split second everything felt okay and then reality set back in. Just why. How can i feel all these feelings for you and can't even be with you. What did I ever fucking do so bad in life that karma is punshing me.

Fuck.

please just come back to me

My new asthetic is Dick Grayson complaining about how the Batman cape is too heavy to properly flip in.

matt murdock:

I want to quit I want to quit I want to quit I want to quit
I'm so over this bs management and people who are only good at saying shit but never actually doing anything.

This.

Consider this...maybe communication is poor because I don't like speaking to you...and maybe I don't like speaking to you because I don't respect you...and maybe that's because you're not a good manager.
You're so hung up on me sending emails to tell you statuses on things when 1. I (or whoever is working with me on the issue) will tell you the status once you arrive into the office; 2. Your email inbox is flooded to shit and I have no idea how you even find anything. So should I risk losing my email to you saying, "Did it, thanks," when I could have just easily done it face-to-face?
But maybe getting to not speak to you is a good thing. Maybe from now on, all our conversations will be primarily text based. I'm down, if it means interacting with you less.

God, every single day I have to reconsider working here because of how terribly things are done around here. So many employees are dropping like flies (even ones that have been with this company for years), you'd think you'd stop and take a look at what may be causing it.

Edit: PS. Maybe don't use an email that you sent to me after I left yesterday as an example of me not communicating with you.

When you want to express everything, but nothing comes out except an incoherent jumble of emotions.

I remembered why I'd keep trying. It was knowing you'd be there.

I like how you sit there with a bored look on your face but yet you refuse to do anything but sit there and look bored. Oh well.

Anxiety is bubbling under the surface. I don't want to be isolated, I don't want to feel like a trapped animal. I don't want to miss home and turn into a big baby. I want to be able to handle things and not freak out. I want to be able to be myself but still relate to other people. I want to feel like a real person instead of an entity floating around, lacking an identity, experiencing only pain and confusion. More than anything I just want to feel like myself, and I don't even really know what that means.

Yep not going. Told her I don't want to go but I already told her mom I'm actually torn between going but I think she's more upset that I told her to go to bed earlier tonight. Oh well. I do feel bad buti don't feel like traveling out of state this fall.... Winter... This year. I don't want to risk my mood sinking lower than I thought already is.

Before I thought I didn't feel ready to have kids but these past several days taught me that I don't like kids that much. I don't want them, I don't want any kids because i have my work cut out trying to keep my sanity. Just as I said in one of my last Confessions on here, there are better qualified people who like will make better parents than me because I'm a fucked up mess. So yeah no kids for me, even if someone says I have some great maternal/momly instincts but sadly those instincts are reserved for animals.

I learned today that my grandmother most likely has cancer but she won't tell me until after the wedding.

I feel anxious. I don't want to go to a damn supermarket by myself because I'm too scared. And that makes me ashamed.

i kinda hate how you keep asking me to get into the pool but im extremely pooled out and we don't need to be in the pool every single day. And lastly, stop saying you didn't get to do anything fun this summer. You got to go swimming, visit family out of state, play video games, and do a little shopping. If that's not fun then I don't know what your idea of fun is. Unless everybody jumping on your every whim (or however the saying goes) is your idea then fun then sorry. I'm not the kind of person who spends every single minute of the day with everyone. I tried getting you to do something i wanted to do, especially after you asked if we can watch movies, and you just left to do something else in ten or twenty minutes without telling me. So now is last straw of me being nice to you.

No job and no money = stressed Aubrey. I just wanna sleep forever right now.

She got a tattoo by the same artist who did mine and even though my tattoo is 4 years old I just want to rip hers from her skin. And I have no idea why.

Uh... Wow... Okay then.

-

I want so badly to walk out. I really do, I don't know how much more I can handle. They're so two faced in there and I just can't take it anymore. I'm a direct person, always have been, but god damn it, I can't say shit since they're my manager. I can't just outright say, 'look, your work is tearing my mental health apart' and walk away. I can't walk out, because I need the money and I'd lose my home if I did. Welp.

One of my favorite authors, Leigh Bardugo, is doing a book signing event next month near my hometown and I'm trying to decide if I should make the drive and request that day off work, or if I should just order a signed copy from their website. The thought of getting to be in the same room as one of my favorite authors is really cool, but at the same time I'm nervous? I dunno.

*is excited to dye my hair on thursday*