Confess on My Wayward Son

I bonded with the night shift nurses.
Ben made literally every move Anakin did and it breaks my heart

every time I miss you, I hate myself a little fucking more

& to you: please don't ever think I hate when you call me Aleksei

I finished my last exam of nursing school. I have no idea how it went, I think I passed at least, but I'm so relieved that I have no other exams until my licensing exam.

God it feels so good.

I don't wanna.

When there’s honestly nothing to watch on cable the past week so you’ve been watching Boondock Saints repeatedly. not like you’re complaining though

lol [edited]

@ losing control.
CONGRATS

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I think about the person I was before October 2016, and being so excited to meet people and be optimistic about the fate of things, and now here I am in January 2018 and I'm so different. That optimism and hope isn't there as much as it used to be. I don't know, but it's amazing how one thing changes you.

Guess it's good I'm more emotionally detached now.

I’m starting to excercise and try and dress nicer again. I am so looking forward to 2018

Hooooo boy I don't even know. But I do know I don't like you.

@ losing control.
GO YOU. I'm sure you did great!!

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Some weeks I hate reflective journals and other weeks I'm crazy thankful for them. I just feel like I did a hap hazard job today, i guess.

@ losing control.
CONGRATULATIONS!!! Proud of you!

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Uhhhhh, alrighty then. If you know that there is an 85% chance your reverse sterilisation isn't going to work, why are you still pestering your Doctor for it? Not only that, you're putting your body through the stress of surgery, and for what? For nothing.

I think I've reached a point where I'm not mad/acting like the victim. I think.

Still a bit sad though, but I think it's justified.

Sometimes I wanna die but that's cool.

I know all my friends are cute and I'm not but jeez, can't I catch a break just once?

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I know it's so bad, I know you don't really want me the way I wanted to be wanted, but I'm so desperate at this point that I'd take anything.

This class is going to be the death of me.

I am...... planning my future ten years in advance with my partner and I'm... happy as heck. The future. Wow. Kids and careers. Something concrete to hold onto that fits the emblem of this planet. c''':

I might annoy some people this year with my insta posts but you know what so fucking what. I am fucking proud of how much time I’ve put in lifting weights and seeing results I’ve always dreamed of. I’m glad I’ve found a little moment of peace and happiness that keeps me from spiraling down my depression. I’m also proud of the self esteem boost I’ve gotten back when I let him make me feel so damn insecure.

I am good enough damn it.
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It's really starting to piss me off that people get salty with me when I don't respond 'cause I'm in class. You guys realise part of the reason I made it to uni in the first place is 'cause I listened in class? I didn't fuck about with my mates, I didn't text, I listened to the teacher and wrote notes and got the answers right. I warn before the lecture that I'll be quiet for two hours; I'm in final year, this shit is important now. I'm not accumulating £50K worth of debt and spending four years of my life to get a piece of paper not even worth wiping my arse with. This has to matter, this is something I should be allowed to be selfish with, considering it has huge bearing on my future.

Really nervous to definitively close this chapter of my life. My friend told me to keep the book at my bedside table and go back to it if I need to, but to start another book so I don't become stuck. So I'm going to run with that and hope for the best.

Also really need a drink.

You can do whatever you want. If thinking you're superior helps you sleep at night, keep on keeping on. I won't stand in your way.