Okay, so that's over. I'm blindsided and bummed 'cause on paper it seemed like the perfect thing to work, but I guess I just didn't see the hidden layers of incompatibility. Oh well. Just also sucks this ended almost exactly when my ex and I got back together last year.
This is a weird month. I'm just gonna look forward to my trips.
I love writing Hannibal/Will. I love writing Thor/Loki. But Chris and Eddie, man, they just.... they transcend. They love each other crazily in ways no one else does and it makes me feel so human. I feel like their characters, even though I had to sculpt them out of bare bones canon information, tell me all this new information that I didn't have before. Somehow. It completes the circuit for me and I could go around with them forever.
I don't want to keep going, but I keep finding really dumb, small reasons to. I want to lay down and cry, but instead I open the folder of pictures in my phone titled "Happiness" and I stare at them for minutes on end, and I listen to the same 10 songs on repeat, and I smile when you smile, as pathetic as that sounds.
Today I slept until 3 and then curled up in a ball on the couch and the only thing keeping me going is the thought that my t-shirts come today. I guess I really am pathetic, for all I want to be a light and happiness for others, yet I can't even be that for myself.
I'll never be good enough for anyone. Not that I can blame them, I'm absolutely worthless. And my low libido doesn't help, it just makes me feel broken.
I'm going to be alone forever, I'm sure of it.I legit broke down crying when I got home from work because I just want a baby and to be a mother so badly and I feel like my time is running out.
I think it’s a good thing that I’ve really begun to make peace with my past and relationships. Even though I’m typically one to hold grudges, I have no bitterness anymore. I only wish the best for my past lovers and hope they find happiness. Now I just have to work on finding peace with my current relationship. /sigh
It really is 2018. It really has been 7 years. That's so crazy. I remember it all too well. I remember how happy I was. And I just think to myself, was that even the same person? Am I really that same person? I guess you could argue that none of us are really the same as we were 7 years ago, but truthfully I don't recognise that person, the me from 7 years ago. It was so wildly different then.
It leaves me wanting and wishing. If I hadn't been so blind and thick. If I had just said something.
What's to say that it would be any different? I don't like to think about it sometimes. I don't really know if different would mean better. If certain things had not happened when they did ... where would we be? Where would I be?
Okay, so cousin gets a French bulldog and you're all over her like a fucking shot. Cuddling her all the time, wanting her on your knee, always spoiling her, even though she's hyper, always playing, and mischievous.
And yet when I get a 3/4 collie, suddenly he's a mongrel who's going to be uncontrollable and too hyper and we're making a 'mistake' in getting him because we're going to regret it. Plus: "Why do you want another dog for anyway?" Fuck you, fuck your double standards.
If you only knew the hole that's been left in me from losing her. What I do in MY house with MY dogs and MY money is MY fucking business, you old bat.
One rule for one grandchild, one rule for another.
Now all I want to do is hold you tight. and breathe in the scent of your hair and stroke your collar bone. That wasn't incrediably triggering or anything.