Confess on My Wayward Son

I don’t want to see you tomorrow, never mind be around you. I don’t want to stand in the same room as you. And I’m tired of feeling like I’m being melodramatic or unreasonable because you haven’t done anything particularly condemning by the standards of others but everything about you reminds me of everything I’ve spent years compartmentalizing and coping with so I can move the fuck on.

I don’t want to be this skittish cat again. I don’t want you to have the power to retrogress me simply by being around you. I’ve come so far and it feels like it was all for nothing. It’s not fair that I spent all this time coping and you can just waltz in and take it all away from me and there’s nothing I can do about it and there’s no one I can talk to because this is how I chose for it to be.

I’m tired.

The small things make me happy, but the problem is that as soon as I stop them, I fall down again. I really can't get a grip on this.

wow I’m so sad.

So, I took the plunge and reached out to my ex-girlfriend/good friend and I’m hoping she doesn’t harbor too much animosity towards me. I feel slightly anxious about it, but a little excited because it would be nice to reconnect with her, we had a lovely friendship that I think would have been great had we stayed friends. Hopefully at the least we can make amends and I hope she’s doing alright.

I sat with the Devil last night and tamed her. Through the day she would sleep and wake and when she woke would glare at whoever was with her, unblinking, and talk about the horrors of Hell and how the demons were coming for our souls. And my God, it was terrifying in some moments. But I gained her trust. I was kind despite fear, I held her hand for 8 hours. I held her hand and told her through her ramblings that it would be okay until they came and that we should enjoy our lives in the now. She ate for me and drank for me, things she wouldn't do for anyone else. I showed someone who previously had mildly attacked employees (squeezing arms, throwing pillows) compassion instead of fear and the pay off was astronomical. It's amazing what treating a human like a human will do and I genuinely hope that the woman who relieved me for night duty was just as nice to her as I was.

RIP Venus. I may not be crying as hard as people think I should be but my heart is aching. You were actually the best dog I ever had. I only wish you hadn't died so young at seven years.

@ arrogant monk
People grieve in different ways, for someone to tell someone else how to grieve, that’s bullshit. I know the feeling. You can get through this, it does get easier

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8 week old puppy + 11 year old bitch = the funniest playtime I’ve ever seen.

I've picked out a haircut. Now it's just time to chop it.

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Contacted a stylist. Setting up an appointment.

Even after moving out I can't escape this stupid house. Morning text from brother about paying the mortgage is not how I wanted to start my morning, or any morning. I'm so tired of living frugally, I'm so tired of having to make sure I take care of my bills and the bills of everyone else around me.

I need to get a new job. And I need to accept that I won't be able to go anywhere this year. I need to accept that my life is nothing but hard work while being surrounded by people who are bad with money.

I want to drive my head into a spike. I hate being so stressed out. I hate that no one can help me.

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tfw you're having an inward nervous breakdown and dissociating so you can't focus on doing any work, but you're the one who has to do the important things today because the dude who usually does it is leaving early today

Driving could either be a very good thing or a very bad thing for me in this state. Let's see how it goes!

I miss my best friends so much but going to all these places that they've ended up in makes me feel so much fomo because I'm stuck here in AZ. Now I'm even more driven to move out of this state and go somewhere I can show off to my friends.

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MY TAX RETURN IS LIT

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I finished outlining Wonderland and I'm almost crying 'cause it's a really emotional story and it's something I've poured my heart into so it's surreal to actually have the details of the story come to fruition. Now I just have to stick to writing a chapter a week!!

Friday, I'm removing 90% of my hair on Friday.

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The amount that smooth jazz relaxes me is absolutely unreal.

I just applied for my Master's degree. And my dissertation is hours away from being done a week before deadline. And I'm not behind on housework. This isn't like me, usually I'd be having an anxiety attack staring at the page, panicking that I'm months away from being done (even when I'm not) and wasting precious time until it's the last minute and I hand in something sub-par. I'm doing it, I'm managing, and I'm managing properly. I really need to put more effort into my mental health and my physical health, but baby steps. Progress at all is still progress and I have to remember that. I have to cut myself some blooming slack once in a while.

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My Rheumatology appointment went alright. I feel sorry for the poor doctor having to hear me rifle off my many maladies. Stripping down to my undies was embarrassing, but she was so nice about my scars. I'm actually getting somewhere with this now, I've been referred for an MRI - hopefully that'll be after term has ended. Nervous as fuck about it, especially if they find something particularly nasty, but I can't wait to have answers. I can't wait to find out what's wrong because there'll be an explanation for the pain, finally, after a decade. And they might be able to help. This is the Jenga block that needs removing to bring it all down so I can start building back up, more stable and sturdy. I might get to be unconditionally, no-strings-attached, properly happy.

Ever since my dream about you yesterday, suddenly I find myself missing you. Not in a "I want you back" kinda way, but just that I miss your presence and your companionship. I don't know, it's really strange.

I will get better, I promise.

I like this feeling. It's nice.

I'm doing it today at 2!

I'm wondering what'll happen. If it'll happen. lol.\

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Figures. Oh well. Lesson learned.

He gave me flowers. But he knows I don’t care for flowers?? So I’m standing there awkwardly like, what do I do with these? I guess they’re nice but not really?

why the fuck can't I stop thinking about you

it's probably because your birthday (I think) is tomorrow and this time last year was just so different

I don't know

I need to finish going through and saving the raw text + screenshotting the layouts of all my stories here. I did a fuckton of 2014 but who KNOWS how much more content there is to get through. Times like these, I hate having been a prolific mibba writer. I need to get it all on my computer and then onto a USB so I never lose them.